My girlfriend doesn't know if she can stay with me because of how I acted.

[jmilk]

When coming down to her reaching out and wanting to talk. Should i have her and I meet up to talk about it? like bring the flowers and what not after she agrees to meetup?

[Acacia98]

16 minutes ago, jmilk said:

@Wiseman2 Although what i did was aggressive and controlling. I was not aggressive or controlling towards her throughout the entire relationship. 

Yes. But she doesn't know what it means. It may have frightened her. She may not know if it means that one day you'll slap her because you're feeling insecure and think she's cheating or if it was a one-off. You need to give her room to process what happened so that she can figure out which of the two it's more likely to be.

Also, like someone else said, I think it's a good idea for you to really focus on yourself. Why were you so aggressive? I mean, I have insecurities and have been cheated on, but I've never felt entitled to grab anyone's phone and have them prove anything to me. You've done it once. Might you do it again? You've got some work to do.

[jmilk]

@Acacia98 You actually described it almost perfect. She was frightened. I feel so disgusted with myself and over these past 2 days ive done a lot of thinking and in the process of fixing these problems. Im really willing to fix myself not just for but for myself. I just hope she realizes that one big over reaction wasnt me and that i can do better. 

[Acacia98]

39 minutes ago, jmilk said:

When coming down to her reaching out and wanting to talk. Should i have her and I meet up to talk about it? like bring the flowers and what not after she agrees to meetup?

I think that would be a good time to take the flowers. But I have to confess I'm not really a flowers person, so I'm not the ideal person to weigh in on this one.

24 minutes ago, jmilk said:

@Acacia98 You actually described it almost perfect. She was frightened. I feel so disgusted with myself and over these past 2 days ive done a lot of thinking and in the process of fixing these problems. Im really willing to fix myself not just for but for myself. I just hope she realizes that one big over reaction wasnt me and that i can do better. 

I know it can't be easy having to examine your own actions in this way, but I'm glad you're working on it, @jmilk. I wish you well.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, why do you think you went from 0 to 60 like that?

It seems very strange to me that everything has been fine and you two have never really had issues, and suddenly one random notification had you triggered so badly. I have a hard time believing you were just having a bad day and suddenly accused your girlfriend of 2 years of cheating on you. 

Where are these sudden insecurities coming from? What is the context here?

 

[Yosemite]

2 years of a wonderful relationship wasn't enough to keep you from believing that she cheated based off of one notification on her phone...so why should 2 yrs of a great relationship be enough for her to forgive you?

Even if she does forgive you, she now knows what you really think of her. A cheater, someone with no integrity, someone you don't trust and who you're suspicious of. That's going to make her feel horrible since she did nothing wrong and has treated you well for 2 yrs.

Also, accusing someone of cheating over nothing makes it look like you're the one that's cheating or you're planning/wanting to cheat.

It'll be very hard to come back from this and even if she gets back together with you, I doubt the relationship will be the same as it was before. Sometimes once something is broken, it can't be fixed.

Why did you think she was cheating anyway? One notification from an app that you don't recognize and you instantly accuse her of cheating and demand to see her phone? What if it was Candy Crush? There has to be something more that made you think she was cheating.

Edited March 26, 2021 by Yosemite

[trident_2020]

I think her reaction to your suspicions was over the top. So what you might have over reacted, she's going to throw a way a 2 year relationship because of that?

Lots of people go through much worse with their partners and don't consider throwing in the towel because of one isolated incident.

I'm leaning more towards there being something going on with her and another guy and she's using this as an excuse to bolt.

 

[elaine567]

He frightened her. That is a pretty big deal in most women's lives.
Women know men can kill them in an instant if he wanted to but most women put that to the back of their mind.
Faced with a yelling screaming man who is angry AT her is scary and makes her feel vulnerable.
The thought that at any point he could have hit her will make her wonder if she wants to go back and walk on eggshells just in case he does it again.  
HE knows he would never hit her, SHE doesn't know that.
Some women especially if brought up in yelling screaming families will tolerate a lot, those who have never been exposed to men "losing it" will want to run.

[Gaeta]

I will go against the grain here. 

I think she is cheating, or is maintaining inappropriate contact with someone that would end up in cheating. That is why she reacted the way she did and that's why she broke up. A woman in love does not breakup all of a sudden like this, your girlfriend has decided to pursue someone else. Someone she was keeping in orbit already. 

[jmilk]

19 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

OP, why do you think you went from 0 to 60 like that?

It seems very strange to me that everything has been fine and you two have never really had issues, and suddenly one random notification had you triggered so badly. I have a hard time believing you were just having a bad day and suddenly accused your girlfriend of 2 years of cheating on you. 

Where are these sudden insecurities coming from? What is the context here?

 

the insecurities come from a previous relationship i had where something similar. the reason why it triggered at that moment, i really dont know, it was at the back of my mind and i always tried to keep it out but i loved her so much that i was scared there was something i wasnt seeing. I thought i lost her already so i freaked but now im scared because now i potentially lost her by thinking i lost her. its crazy to think. As of rn she is still taking the break i havent gotten any confirmation of her saying we are over.

[jmilk]

19 hours ago, Yosemite said:

2 years of a wonderful relationship wasn't enough to keep you from believing that she cheated based off of one notification on her phone...so why should 2 yrs of a great relationship be enough for her to forgive you?

Even if she does forgive you, she now knows what you really think of her. A cheater, someone with no integrity, someone you don't trust and who you're suspicious of. That's going to make her feel horrible since she did nothing wrong and has treated you well for 2 yrs.

Also, accusing someone of cheating over nothing makes it look like you're the one that's cheating or you're planning/wanting to cheat.

It'll be very hard to come back from this and even if she gets back together with you, I doubt the relationship will be the same as it was before. Sometimes once something is broken, it can't be fixed.

Why did you think she was cheating anyway? One notification from an app that you don't recognize and you instantly accuse her of cheating and demand to see her phone? What if it was Candy Crush? There has to be something more that made you think she was cheating.

I know what app it was. It was a notification that popped up while she was on her phone looking at tik tok. I asked “whats that?” and she goes “whats what?” i asked her to show me and she hesitated which kind of got me suspicious. she showed me and let me see the group chat that message was from. there was people she never told me about so when i went to see who they were she grabbed the phone in an aggressive manner. Thats what got me going and the rest is history. The reason i also acted like this was due to a past experience. After looking at the situation, there was no reason to do that and was completely inappropriate. Ive done what i could. I apologized, told her i love her and that i would do my best to change and that im here for when your ready. she told me she needed time so thats what im giving her. thats all

[trident_2020]

She's  covering up something. There's more going on here than she wants you to believe.

At any rate whatever it is, it's enough for her to consider breaking it off with you. You really want to invest more time and emotional energy into this woman who is ready to bolt for whatever reasons?

It would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm not just armchair quarterbacking this one. I've broken up with girls for less serious transgressions. Simply the suggestion she might want to break up would be enough for me to beat her to it and say she doesn't have the choice because I'm gone.

 

[jmilk]

2 minutes ago, trident_2020 said:

She's  covering up something. There's more going on here than she wants you to believe.

At any rate whatever it is, it's enough for her to consider breaking it off with you. You really want to invest more time and emotional energy into this woman who is ready to bolt for whatever reasons?

It would be a dealbreaker for me. I'm not just armchair quarterbacking this one. I've broken up with girls for less serious transgressions. Simply the suggestion she might want to break up would be enough for me to beat her to it and say she doesn't have the choice because I'm gone.

 

I would agree with you but she means everything to me and I wanna try to fix things real bad. This girl just means too much to me to just break off like that.

[dramafreezone]

On 3/26/2021 at 7:50 AM, jmilk said:

I told her that if she gave me the chance Id do anything to change for the better and that I want to work this out with her. She then preceded to say she needed the break so im giving her the break. I want to know whats the likely case for this? what does it mean? and whats the best thing for me to do during the break so that I can get her back? this is my first ever true relationship and first ever real heartbreak

If you don't do anything to fix the root cause of your behavior, it will happen again.  It appears to me that you don't trust her.

We guys focus too much on "how do I get her back" instead of how to improve as a man.  You lost her because you demonstrated a major instance of weakness.  Sure some relationships last after the breakup, but most eventually fail.  Best thing you can do is analyze your behavior and learn to be a better man in the future, not for her but for yourself.

Edited March 27, 2021 by dramafreezone

[jmilk]

45 minutes ago, dramafreezone said:

If you don't do anything to fix the root cause of your behavior, it will happen again.  It appears to me that you don't trust her.

We guys focus too much on "how do I get her back" instead of how to improve as a man.  You lost her because you demonstrated a major instance of weakness.  Sure some relationships last after the breakup, but most eventually fail.  Best thing you can do is analyze your behavior and learn to be a better man in the future, not for her but for yourself.

You’re absolutely right, its what im doing now. Ive talked to multiple people now. Its helped and im working on it now.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, jmilk said:

the insecurities come from a previous relationship i had where something similar. the reason why it triggered at that moment, i really dont know, it was at the back of my mind and i always tried to keep it out but i loved her so much that i was scared there was something i wasnt seeing. 

Had she recently been more distant from you or something? 

I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that one random, isolated incident had you panic like this after 2 years of smooth sailing. Something doesn't quite add up here. 

If you're being totally honest with youself, how has your relationship been the last couple months? 

[jmilk]

1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Had she recently been more distant from you or something? 

I'm still having trouble wrapping my mind around the fact that one random, isolated incident had you panic like this after 2 years of smooth sailing. Something doesn't quite add up here. 

If you're being totally honest with youself, how has your relationship been the last couple months? 

I mean our relationship wasnt really any different. Obv not as strong as it was when we first started but it seemed smooth to me. 

[Poutrew]

Listen to me, Jmilk. your girlfriend keeps secrets. If the incident happened the way you describe it as happening, that she reluctantly gave you her phone, and aggressively snatched it away from you, there is something she doesn't want you to see. Your past experience with cheaters has given you just enough wisdom to recognize that were there is smoke, there is fire... don't apologize for that. You caught her in the act of monkey-branching. As it stands now, she is keeping the door open with you  in case the other man turns out to be a dud. If he isn't, you will never hear from her again. If he doesn't meet up , then she will be back to knocking on your door, ready to give you another chance (lucky you)... my advice is to not answer it. If you do, this will happen all over again when the next dude that makes her wet comes along. My advice for the next relationship: don't be such a nice guy. Lay out your rules, and be prepared to live by them. Don't be a nasty SOB, but don't be a wet rug either. Good luck.

[Miss Spider]

9 minutes ago, Poutrew said:

Listen to me, Jmilk. your girlfriend keeps secrets. If the incident happened the way you describe it as happening, that she reluctantly gave you her phone, and aggressively snatched it away from you, there is something she doesn't want you to

This. That is a huge red flag. There is some thing on there that is incriminating.   Maybe not cheating, but I guarantee that it would change your perception of your relationship quite startlingly. I’m very private with my phone bc I keep a lot of secrets from bfs. for example, I would come on here and talk about how I want to be single. I also talk to my friends about it. So when one bf would use my phone to look something up, I’d snatch it away or hover to make sure he didn’t go through messages or whatever. One of my exes actually did get my phone and found a bunch of messages I sent to my friends about how I was never that crazy about him and wanted to date others since the beginning of the relationship... so yeah. The only person I think I wouldn’t be private with my phone is the one I settle down with and had no secrets from, because I have nothing to hide from that person and I’m committed. She’s super sketch right there. Just my 2 cent. 

Edited March 27, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[dangerous]

Don;t be weak. You have been going out for 2 years so a "break" is nkt appropriate. You need to talk it through and sort it, if she is avoiding then that says volumes for her lack of problem-solving skills. 

You haven't said how you over-reacted, or what you did to scare her, but I'll bet al lot of this is her "guilt-tripping" you?

In my experience if a woman says give me space, and I am all co-operation ("oh yes, take your time, I'm here if you need me...) it is showing weakness not sympathy, and she will get even more distant. The other thing to consider, is if she "allows" you back, then you will forever be walking on eggshells, so not to upset her again.

Its probably over, But if she won't even meet you to discuss, then its definitely over.

Just IMHO.  

[jmilk]

12 minutes ago, dangerous said:

Don;t be weak. You have been going out for 2 years so a "break" is nkt appropriate. You need to talk it through and sort it, if she is avoiding then that says volumes for her lack of problem-solving skills. 

You haven't said how you over-reacted, or what you did to scare her, but I'll bet al lot of this is her "guilt-tripping" you?

In my experience if a woman says give me space, and I am all co-operation ("oh yes, take your time, I'm here if you need me...) it is showing weakness not sympathy, and she will get even more distant. The other thing to consider, is if she "allows" you back, then you will forever be walking on eggshells, so not to upset her again.

Its probably over, But if she won't even meet you to discuss, then its definitely over.

Just IMHO.  

Yea that is true, that might as well be the case but im going to try anyway. it really doesnt seem like her to do that to me but what do i know. 

[Miss Spider]

Agree with what dangerous said too. If someone says they need space and say you’ll be waiting, it’s a major sign of weakness and reduces your value therefore desirability to get back with in the eyes of most women. It’s better to make her think you won’t be waiting ( not with rudeness or passive aggressiveness though). Like it’s fine if she wants a “break“ but a break is breaking up and it means that you are guys are no longer together and you’re back on the market

Edited March 27, 2021 by Cookiesandough

[jmilk]

1 minute ago, Cookiesandough said:

Agree with what dangerous said too. If someone says they need space and say you’ll be waiting, it’s a major sign of weakness and reduces your value therefore desirability to get back with in the eyes of most women. It’s better to make her think you won’t be waiting ( not with rudeness or passive aggressiveness though). Like it’s fine if she wants a “break“ but a break is breaking up and it means that you are guys are no longer together and you’re back on the market

i mean i understand what you mean but i asked her to tell me straight up if we are over and she says she doesnt know and she needs time to think. its confusing

[hippychick3]

I agree that she’s hiding something and to break up with you after 2 years for one transgression that doesn’t involve laying your hands on her doesn’t add up. She used the fight as an excuse to break up. My guess is that there is someone else, and deep down you feel the same way but don’t want to believe it. 

[jmilk]

1 minute ago, hippychick3 said:

I agree that she’s hiding something and to break up with you after 2 years for one transgression that doesn’t involve laying your hands on her doesn’t add up. She used the fight as an excuse to break up. My guess is that there is someone else, and deep down you feel the same way but don’t want to believe it. 

That makes sense in those terms but she has never been that type of person to do so. it just doesnt seem totally right