Jaylee Emme Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 I married my best friend in 2018. We've known each other for 2 decades and have always been really close. When we started dating we knew the transition from friends to romantic partners would be weird, but we figured we loved each other and would get past the initial awkwardness of it all. Eventually it stopped feeling awkward and we were increasingly attracted to one another sexually. We barely had any physical intimacy before marriage because we decided to wait until marriage to do anything physical (our first kiss was at the altar). We got married and our honeymoon was great, there was a lot of passion. But when we got home things changed. I see a lot of posts from women saying that they lost the passion in there marriage after a long time or because of kids. I can honestly say that I don't think my husband and I have ever had it, aside from the honeymoon. This is something we've talked about since year 1 of marriage. We are now entering year 3 and nothing has changed. We have sex once or twice a month. It's always when I'm ovulating as we were supposed to be trying for a baby. I usually have to remind him that I'm ovulating in any particular week so that I can be sure we have sex. Otherwise he won't touch me, well not passionately. I get really sad about how ling it's taking for us to get pregnant. Sometimes I think if we were having sex more often that would make a difference. We'll cuddle, he'll play with my breasts or try to play with my vagina (rarely) but not passionately. He'll be watching tv or on his phone and then decide he wants to start fondling me, while continuingto watch his show or scroll social media. It's never sensual and always seems like something to do to pass the time, or like he's playing or just feels like touching me. There are never any stolen kisses or hugs. He pecks me when he leaves the house and When he enters the house, that's it. The only other time he kisses me is when we're having sex, once or twice a month. That's actually the only time he kisses me deeply. He always wants me near him. Likes to hold my hand, lay on my chest or wants me to lay on his often. But most nights we can be in the bed watching tv and on our phones until we sleep. We tried date nights but those didn't last. I bought sex checks and put expiration dates on them but he never uses them. I've talked to him about this for years and I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be wanted and I don't feel wanted by my husband. It feels like we're still just best friends, and sometimes it feels like we're roommates. I don't know what it means to have a passionate marriage. Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 STOP trying to get pregnant right NOW. This is not a marriage to bring poor little kids into. Kids won't solve your issues. You could go to marriage counselling but I think you should end it asap before it turns really bad. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 have you talked about both of your sexual expectations? that may be a good place to start. You could also try MC 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 38 minutes ago, Jaylee Emme said: . He'll be watching tv or on his phone and then decide he wants to start fondling me, while continuing to watch his show or scroll social media. There is no fixing that IMO. Why are you putting up with this? 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jaylee Emme Posted March 26, 2021 Author Share Posted March 26, 2021 @elaine567 I don't want to leave him. I love him and hope that we can turn things around. I know that he loves me. It's weird to me that I have a higher sex drive than my husband, but I don't want to leave him. @d0nnivain We've discussed our sexual expectations. He says his drive isn't as high, and he just doesn't need sex as often. I've suggested we get counseling for other communication issues we've had, but never for our sexual problems. When I speak to him about it he says that things will change, it will get better and it will look different temporarily but then we fall back into the same pattern. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 (edited) At a minimum when she starts with you the phone has to be put down & the TV off (unless you two like to do it while watching porn but that is not what I understood from your post). You may never get the sweep you off your feet guy. What then? Edited March 26, 2021 by d0nnivain 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jaylee Emme Posted March 26, 2021 Author Share Posted March 26, 2021 @d0nnivain I think my confidence has decreased, but I think you're right about me being more direct in the moment and demanding the phone be put away and the TV turned off. I don't know if he'll ever be the sweep me off my feet kinda guy in the bedroom. He's sweet and tries to be romantic in other ways. He can plan an elaborate day, dinner, buy me gifts, and then knock out lol, the night 9 times out of 10 won't end with us having sex. It can be very frustrating. But I think I have to meet him halfway and not have unrealistic expectations given his low sex drive. I think it's something we can work on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Weezy1973 Posted March 26, 2021 Share Posted March 26, 2021 Try scheduling sex. If you’ve known each other a long time the spontaneous “throw you on the bed” sex might not materialize. Scheduling sex can make it an event, like a date night. Something to look forward to, think about prior. Set aside an hour or two. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
elaine567 Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 It is the usual pattern, things get better for a while when the subject is brought up for discussion. Things will change, promises are made, all is hunky dory, then they just go back to "normal" again. It is the sign of a person who doesn't really want to change, he is happy how things are, so quickly reverts to type. As you have been trying everything you can think of for years, it is a waste of time, IMO. You cannot negotiate or manufacture desire, it is either there or it isn't... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
IslandSanctuary Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 If you prioritize sex you get what you deserve. Explosive, mind blowing sex is an initial thing. Danger, nerves, risk - a new body to explore - these are things that make great sex. As you get comfortable with someone sex always decreases. Maybe this isn't as true for women as it is for men, but it is definitely very true for men. When (for men especially) you commit to someone it is with the expectation that you will be missing out on sex. I've had lots of great sex in my life and I got to a stage where I just found it to be overrated and wanted someone to care about me. Only this experience has made me ready for a relationship. Sex is easy to get - especially for women - but long term commitment is not. I've learned to value things like connection and just general intimacy - like lots of daily cuddles and kisses far above and beyond sex. If you expected mind blowing sex for the rest of your life or this magic never ending exploding passion beyond a feeling of connection and strong friendship(my partner is my best friend and this is definitely not a negative) then you have expectations that are too high. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jaylee Emme Posted March 27, 2021 Author Share Posted March 27, 2021 @IslandSanctuary I think it's safe to say that I haven't prioritized sex for the last three years. My sex life with my husband has been rocky since we got off the plane from our honeymoon in Italy. I understand that sex can decrease for many. My problem is that we went from not having sex at all before marriage, to having some sex on our honeymoon, to barely having sex when we got home. I get that it decreases, but we never had an abundance of passionate sex to begin with. Decrease for us means no sex at all. I, quite honestly, felt like we could only go up from where we started. I expected us to have a healthy sex life and a strong connection and friendship. My husband is my best friend and has been for 20 years. We've only been married for 3 and he was a virgin when we got married. We were never physically intimate while we dated and were engaged. We don't have a history of great sex together. I don't even know what it's like to get stolen kisses from him. He pecks me when he leaves the house and when he enters the house, most of the time. He kisses me deeply when we have sex. We don't kiss outside of those moments. There's nothing passionate about our intimacy. And our marriage is too young for me to continue to accept this. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 27, 2021 Share Posted March 27, 2021 Stop trying to have a kid for now. A kid will push you guys past any possible sex life. There is a reason ,most people don't choose this option. A best friend is not necessarily a good romantic partner. You may not have sexual chemistry with a good friend. Yes, sexual chemistry is real. What it means is that not only do you guys sync up sexually but what pleasures you also pleasures him. He touches you and you love the way he touches and you react with pleasure, which stimulates him more. You get a great effortless cycle going. To the immediate problem: the good news is that you want more sex and touch. Again, stop trying ot have a kid right now. That's like borrowing a million dollars when you're about to go bankrupt for $25.00. Parents often become very asexual. Parenting is notorious for killing romance. The bad news is that he seems content with platonic touch. He sounds almost asexual or afraid. Or ...he might not be attracted to you. I would get to a marriage counselor ASAP. You guys sound like you might be religious, so you wouldn't want to break up. The only hope--only!---is to get to a good marriage counselor. And it doesn't have to be religious person. Get to the best possible person. Marriage counseling holds a chance of helping him loosen up his sexuality so that he can initiate with you. Likely he is repeating some old family habit or has some personal pain that he has suppressed ... that is wiping out his sexual interest. The problem is that you asking for more touch (in the way people typically do) only sends the partner running. That's why marriage counseling is so important. Welcome to the real world of romance and love. Marrying our best friends is not a good strategy. Now, sometimes we can get together with a best friend because we both have become sexually attracted to each other. That works! Also, kissing before marriage is important just for the reason you identify. Kissing can help you identify sexual chemistry. Get to a counselor. Just a warning: your dissatisfaction will grow WORSE, much worse, over time with a child and if you guys don't immediately get to counseling. And I assume you're honorable and loyal, but I gotta break the bad news to you: women in your situation have wild fantasies of sexual fulfillment and sometimes they act on these fantasies outside the marriage. And/or they end up hating their husbands. They go through the motions, but there is some deep unhappiness. 3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jaylee Emme Posted March 27, 2021 Author Share Posted March 27, 2021 @Lotsgoingon Thank you!!! I really appreciate your perspective and advice. This was most helpful. I will speak to him about counseling. I believe we need to have a hard conversation about where we are and counseling will help us get through it. And I'll hold off on trying for a baby. It brings me anxiety anyway. I'd like to continue when we're in a better space. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Jaylee Emme Posted March 27, 2021 Author Share Posted March 27, 2021 Thank you all for your responses! It's all helping me to put things into proper perspective. Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 28, 2021 Share Posted March 28, 2021 Great to hear. BTW: every now and then you'll hear stories of people who married friends and the challenge of doing that. Kathy Lee Gifford had a marriage that reminded me of yours. https://www.the-sun.com/entertainment/1902450/kathie-lee-gifford-lost-virginity-first-husband-sexless-marriage/ 1 Link to post Share on other sites
submart Posted March 28, 2021 Share Posted March 28, 2021 How old are you both? What is your and his romantic relationship history before getting married? Did you did not engage in intimacy before marriage for religious reasons? Is there any change your husband could be gay, have low T, take medication which affects his sex drive, or be asexual? Link to post Share on other sites
DKT3 Posted March 28, 2021 Share Posted March 28, 2021 (edited) I believe when you go to the car dealership and buy a minivan you can't get home and expect it to be a sports car. There is a huge difference between behavioral expectations and expecting your partner to change fundamentally who they are. All you can do, really, is have the conversation and see if he moves the needle. I seriously doubt it will be the change you want long term. He still needs to understand how important it is to you. Edited March 28, 2021 by DKT3 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 28, 2021 Share Posted March 28, 2021 (edited) Forcing your husband to impregnate you is NOT the answer. A child is not responsible for fixing their parents broken marriage, and yet that seems to be your solution: having a child will fix the problems that exist between you and your husband. Please do not do that to an innocent child. Do you know how many dysfunctional marriages exist, that screwed up their children for this exact reason? I see it all the time as a teacher of kids whose parents divorced b/c they finally owned up to their own problems, instead of expecting their 5 year old to be the band-aid to their adult problems. It makes me angry. Adults are so selfish. Look, maybe you are better off as just being friends with your husband than being a married couple together. You tried and it isn't working. Maybe it was a huge mistake for you two friends to marry each other. Clearly, you have other issues that he refuses to go to marriage counseling for and you enable him b/c "you love him." That's enabling. That's not enforcing your boundaries with him, which is what a healthy person does to their partner in a relationship, when there is conflict. Yet you are making excuse after excuse for your husband "because you love him" instead of owning your part in this dysfunction that exists. It's not just your higher sex drive that's the problem. The lack of intimacy. The lack of respect. The lack of communication. Those are serious issues that should not be side swept "because you love him." Why do you agree with this state of your marriage so passively? Are you really going to let your husband walk all over you with his fake promises that everything will work out in the end, without any action taken from him to achieve change for the health of your marriage? I think you'd be much happier divorcing him, and healing from whatever wounds you have that aren't healed, that allowed you to enter into such an enmeshed relationship with a husband who doesn't even respect you to the point where he watches tv on his phone while he fondles you. That's horrifying. I would never allow that kind of cold treatment from a man who took marriage vows to love me. Edited March 28, 2021 by Watercolors 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 28, 2021 Share Posted March 28, 2021 On 3/26/2021 at 10:20 AM, Jaylee Emme said: He always wants me near him. Likes to hold my hand, lay on my chest or wants me to lay on his often. But most nights we can be in the bed watching tv and on our phones until we sleep. We tried date nights but those didn't last. I bought sex checks and put expiration dates on them but he never uses them. I've talked to him about this for years and I don't know what to do anymore. I want to be wanted and I don't feel wanted by my husband. It feels like we're still just best friends, and sometimes it feels like we're roommates. I don't know what it means to have a passionate marriage. He's objectifying you. That's why you feel like an object around him. There is no mutual love here. He still at his core only sees you as a platonic friend. Someone who fills a "void" for him; someone whom he doesn't prioritize as a sexual object to be worshipped. Someone he doesn't actually "love" in the way a woman is meant to be loved. It's as if he married you for outward appearances only. You are there as a warm body, to be fondled at his beck and call when he's bored while he watches tv on his cellphone next to you. How you can live with that kind of detachment from a "husband" makes me wonder what's so great about him. It's so clear he doesn't even respect you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Lotsgoingon Posted March 28, 2021 Share Posted March 28, 2021 He's treating you like you're a teddy bear, or a mommy. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 28, 2021 Share Posted March 28, 2021 Are you from a culture/religious belief that sex is only after marriage and only for procreation? You both seem on board with waiting until marriage and both seem on board with sex for procreation. He seems affectionate and kind to you but if your cultural upbringing align then you are both doing the same thing. Sex after marriage and sex for procreation. Would you like more sex/intimacy for enjoyment purposes? You two may have to learn about that through secular marriage therapy. Link to post Share on other sites
mark clemson Posted March 29, 2021 Share Posted March 29, 2021 (edited) As usual, a strongly mismatched partnership sexually causes genuine distress for one or both. We get posts similar to yours on a regular basis around here. MC is a good suggestion. (At the risk of stating the obvious) genuinely attempt to fix this before you start looking at other options. The other options tend to be both selfish and harmful, particularly when it comes to sex or emotional attention: divorce, affair, open marriage (which the low drive spouse is unlikely to genuinely get behind). There might be some other workable options too, but generally that's the problem with a marriage that causes a partner significant distress - you either get to be selfish or selfless (if you really can't figure out a way to keep yourself happy). I'd say deal with this now (which it sounds like you're willing to do). We sometimes get posts from folks who've tolerated this sort of thing for years, wondering what to do about their decades lost to "sucking it up". Edited March 29, 2021 by mark clemson Link to post Share on other sites
snowcones Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 (edited) One of my best friends just confided in me last night that she and her husband (of 20 years) have not had sex in 8 years. I had to hide my shock. They spend almost every waking moment together and are the best of friends. I've always believed that this (sexlessness) was more common in long-term couples than let on. Most of them are too embarrassed to admit it. What do you do about it? I have no idea but I believe this is a big reason why people start cheating. Edited March 30, 2021 by snowcones Link to post Share on other sites
giotto Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 There is really no solution to this. Your husband has no sex drive and he is not making any attempt to change in order to meet your needs. Unless he decides to change or "understand" you, you will be stuck in limbo. Or have the baby... you'll soon forget about him... 🙂 Link to post Share on other sites
Fletch Lives Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 That's why I don't suggest marrying a friend. Marriages need attraction. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
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