How do you combat loneliness? Feeling Unworthy at the Moment

[Emotional_Pop93]

It’s been 13 weeks since I [27F] broke up with my now ex bf [36M]. We dated for about a year. I broke it off because he told me he never wanted to marry or even live with me. Saw it as a dead end relationship so I cut my losses and left him. 

I started going on dates again last week and I ended up sleeping with this guy on the first date. He has been trying to hang out since summer of 2020. I wasn’t really in to him before, but I thought I should finally go on a date with him. I slept with him because I wanted intimacy and feel somewhat attractive, but after sleeping with him I feel so needy and clingy. He doesn’t know that I feel this way though so thank heavens, but I keep looking forward to his texts and communication. I know that I probably just feel lonely and am rebounding. I hate feeling like this.  I hate the shallow cheap thrill. I miss the connection and intimacy I had with my ex bf actually and feel so discourage about dating. 

Rebounding made me feel even more lonely. Any tips on how to stay strong? I was staying strong, but now I am feeling weak. I feel lonely. I feel unworthy. I feel like there’s something wrong with me. Why didn’t my ex see a future with me? It’s just one of those days I guess. 

[Gaeta]

I'm sorry it's been hard lately. One nights are the last thing we need when we're getting over a breakup for the exact reasons you're naming here. The sex creates a false sense of intimacy and we go back to craving what we've lost. It won't last you just need to stay strong through it. Exercising is still the greatest way to get it out of our system. 

The 'why' your ex didn't see a future with you doesn't matter, knowing his reasons is not going to change the fact he's gone. Knowing the whys don't help. It just generates more questions and more missing answers. You are only 27 years old, you have so much time in front of you to fall in love again, and you will. 

[Keridan]

I couldn't possibly say it better than Gaeta did. They've got the right of it.

I am ending a 15 year relationship and I'm much older than you. However, I have the same problems. There is no easy answer. We just have to focus on things that improve how we feel about ourselves. We won't find it in someone else.

[d0nnivain]

Stop trying to think that a warm body in your bed will make you feel anything.  

What makes you happy?  what do you like to do?  Do you have any hobbies, especially ones that feel by the wayside when you were in your relationship?  Start doing them again or get a new hobby.  Hang out with your friends.  Have a girls' night, be silly.  Exercise.  Movement releases good endorphins that can elevate mood.  Keep busy.  Change up your routine & rearrange your living space.  This is a fresh start.  Treat it that way. Out with the old.  In with the new . . . spring cleaning for your heart & life.  

In a few months when you feel more emotionally steady on your feet then you can go looking for love again but not right now.  

[Alpacalia]

I'm sorry to hear you're in pain.

It's natural to feel lonely after a relationship ends; it's a natural reaction to every ending.

Where you are right now though is a necessary step. Perhaps now is a good time to focus on yourself and discover your intrinsic self.

What are some things you enjoy doing yourself, for yourself, for others?

[Lotsgoingon]

Sex does not solve loneliness any more than sex solves hunger or fatigue or a bad job or a mean boss.

You may need to build the rest of your life. This is the time to be burning up the phones with your women friends and favorite people. This is the time to do some fun activities. But sounds like you don't have that going.

And expecting sex to make you feel attractive--again, that doesn't happen. Sex makes us no better or worse than we already are. 

You can resolve your loneliness by clinging to someone new. You need to build a full life as a single person. Sounds like you didn't have that, because now would be the time to fall back on that life. In fact, what you really want to do is to keep up a lot of your separate life with friends and activities even while dating someone. Sounds like you didn't do that. 

 

 

[Happy Lemming]

On 3/26/2021 at 10:38 PM, Emotional_Pop93 said:

... ex bf [36M]. ...he told me he never wanted to marry or even live with me. Why didn’t my ex see a future with me?

A few questions:

(1) Has your ex-boyfriend been married before??

(2) Has he lived with anyone in the past??  Did he disclose any details about that experience??

(3) Did you bring up the "wanting to get married" subject or did the subject just come up organically??

(4) Some men never want to get married to anyone... I'm one of those men.  Is it possible that your ex is of the same mindset??

[Emotional_Pop93]

5 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

A few questions:

(1) Has your ex-boyfriend been married before??

(2) Has he lived with anyone in the past??  Did he disclose any details about that experience??

(3) Did you bring up the "wanting to get married" subject or did the subject just come up organically??

(4) Some men never want to get married to anyone... I'm one of those men.  Is it possible that your ex is of the same mindset??

Yes. He has been married before. He hasn't been divorced for long. 3 years according to him. He knew I wanted to get married eventually. I asked him when we were first dating if he would every re-marry and he said "yes, to the right person" so when he told me this out of nowhere after dating for more than a year, I broke it off. It's a dead end relationship. I now realized that he has a lot of emotional baggage so maybe its for the best.

[Wiseman2]

1 minute ago, Emotional_Pop93 said:

Yes. He has been married before. He hasn't been divorced for long. 3 years according to him. He knew I wanted to get married eventually. I asked him when we were first dating if he would every re-marry and he said "yes, to the right person" so when he told me this out of nowhere after dating for more than a year, I broke it off. It's a dead end relationship. I now realized that he has a lot of emotional baggage so maybe its for the best.

You did the right thing. 2 reasons. 1. Clearly has a chip on his shoulder. 2. Strung you along for a year with the "right person" line.

It hurts to break up but cutting your losses earlier is good. Overall you dodged a bullet.

[Happy Lemming]

1 hour ago, Emotional_Pop93 said:

Yes. He has been married before. He hasn't been divorced for long. 3 years according to him.

I'm guessing he's "gun-shy" about marriage, especially if he "got taken to the cleaners"  or the divorce was very emotionally draining.  He may still be angry/bitter over the divorce.

1 hour ago, Emotional_Pop93 said:

 I asked him when we were first dating if he would every re-marry and he said "yes, to the right person"...

Sounds like a "canned answer"... in actuality he may never want to re-marry.

[Lotsgoingon]

Oh my, the "right person" phrase is the give away. OF COURSE you would only marry the right person. Who thinks you're going to marry the wrong person or a random person?  So guys only say this when they are NOT really interested in marriage or they don't want to think about marriage with the particular person they're talking to. It's a way of slyly throwing up a wall. Really it's a slick way of saying "I'm not thinking at all of marriage and I don't have a goal of marriage with you."

The answer to the question---the only answer you want--is, "yes!" You don't lose any ground by simply answering "yes." By saying "yes," you're not saying you want to marry the person in front of you right now. 

This phrase reminds me of a thread a few years back about the meaning of a guy saying, "I'm not looking for anything serious right now."

 That "right now" is so deceptive. What the guy really means is he wants to have no-strings-attached sex and that he is not open to things changing (at least with this person) down the line. The "right person" is similarly deceptive. 

 

 

[Emotional_Pop93]

10 hours ago, Happy Lemming said:

Sounds like a "canned answer"... in actuality he may never want to re-marry.

My friends and I were talking about this. I think it was a line to hook me. He knew that not wanting to marry eventually was a deal breaker for me and he thought he had a hook on me enough that I would stay after "being honest". He told me this himself. He straight up said he thought he would be honest and thought I'd stick around.

[d0nnivain]

Your friends may be right.  He could have changed his mind.  Or he decided that you weren't that "right" person.  Doesn't really matter. 

You & him are done.  Stay done.  Now you are free to find somebody who does want to marry. 

[Emotional_Pop93]

5 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 

You & him are done.  Stay done.  Now you are free to find somebody who does want to marry. 

You are right  Just hoping that the next partner I find doesn't lie about wanting to marry in the future. I know now what signs to look for too. This relationship also made me realize that I don't wanna date someone who has been married before nor I want to date someone significantly older than me.

[spiderowl]

I know you feel sad and lonely at the moment, OP.  It's a natural reaction to a state of loss.  But what you have lost is what will show you your direction for the future.  You now know what to avoid!

You sound a lovely person and you should feel proud of yourself for dumping a guy who was not going in the same direction as you.  You have made a statement in your own mind and his about your personal worth.  You are worth more then he was offering.

Although you might not think it yourself, you are still young and have a lot of time to meet people in your life.  I know this is not the easiest of times to make new contacts and there is a lot of sadness around generally because of the pandemic, but things still happen.  I do believe in my heart of hearts that turning down one option unconsciously opens up possibilities for another.  As long as you were stuck with your ex, those other opportunities could not materialise, but now they can.  It may not be fast, but just keep doing the things you like in life and making contacts where possible and you will find your happiness again.

Edited April 16, 2021 by spiderowl