Ran into ex after 4 months

[alphamale]

On 3/28/2021 at 6:49 PM, Marc878 said:

Think hard on what you’d be getting back.

Indeed kick her to the curb

[Marc878]

You went over to give presents to her son. Done.

She broke up with you before then gave you the brush off and and needs closure?

what is there to talk about?

[whatitdo]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

You went over to give presents to her son. Done.

She broke up with you before then gave you the brush off and and needs closure?

what is there to talk about?

It makes zero sense? You need closure?? Where you been for 4 months? 

It’s silly as can be 

[ExpatInItaly]

7 hours ago, whatitdo said:

It makes zero sense? You need closure?? Where you been for 4 months? 

It’s silly as can be 

You don't need to discuss any of this with her,  though. You owe her zero explanations. 

Let her figure it out for herself. 

Stop replying to this manipulative woman. If you don't, you have to ask yourself why you're enjoying her attention. From where I sit, that's how it looks. You don't necessarily want her back but you seem to be enjoying the fact that she's now "chasing" you. No? 

Edited April 5, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

What does she want? Attention or free babysitting or friendzone or what? 

Maybe it's time for a clean break with no rehashing or being friends?

[Marc878]

Break no contact reset the clock

Break no contact reset the clock

Break no contact reset the clock

Break no contact reset the clock

The only one that will keep you in this is you.

[whatitdo]

On 4/5/2021 at 2:32 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

You don't need to discuss any of this with her,  though. You owe her zero explanations. 

Let her figure it out for herself. 

Stop replying to this manipulative woman. If you don't, you have to ask yourself why you're enjoying her attention. From where I sit, that's how it looks. You don't necessarily want her back but you seem to be enjoying the fact that she's now "chasing" you. No? 

Ok so we met at the park and hung out. Hugged a few times, talked about going on a date next week as I was in Vegas all week. 

yet, while in Vegas she seemed so distant even though I tried to keep in contact and chat with her. It’s obvious there is somebody else in the pic. So I believe we will go to dinner / lunch next week and take it from there. 

 

She isn’t really chasing, rather I believe she wants me to be more of a back up option which I’m not willing to be. 
 

now that I’m back in town we shall see exactly what’s up. If she isn’t or doesn’t want anything more than a back up option.... ✌🏽 

[Acacia98]

The extent to which she's manipulating you and you didn't seem to recognize that she could use her own son to manipulate you leads me to believe that it may not be 90% your fault that things didn't work out.

You would be better off saying goodbye and blocking her everywhere, I think.

[Marc878]

3 hours ago, whatitdo said:

Ok so we met at the park and hung out. Hugged a few times, talked about going on a date next week as I was in Vegas all week.

 

She isn’t really chasing, rather I believe she wants me to be more of a back up option which I’m not willing to be. 
 

now that I’m back in town we shall see exactly what’s up. If she isn’t or doesn’t want anything more than a back up option.... ✌🏽 

You are showing her you are.

[whatitdo]

1 hour ago, Marc878 said:

You are showing her you are.

Interesting, I am trying to meet her half way. There were things about me that she didn’t oke or appreciate that we’re totally my fault.... hands down.

 

so I want to sit down with her and discuss the things I’m willing to change to make things right 

[Marc878]

7 minutes ago, whatitdo said:

Interesting, I am trying to meet her half way. There were things about me that she didn’t oke or appreciate that we’re totally my fault.... hands down.

 

so I want to sit down with her and discuss the things I’m willing to change to make things right 

If she wanted back you’d know it. Go read a few of these. They all follow the same pattern. Guy gets dumped. Then lives on hopium. 
 

Sorry man but you’ve got yourself stuck and like most you can’t stop.

Edited April 10, 2021 by Marc878

[ExpatInItaly]

You can't really complain when you're part of the problem in a dysfunctional situation. 

[Highndry]

You need to take more control of the situation. Never sit back and let a woman dictate things. They don't like that and you start to appear weak. You need to avoid talking about the past, period. If she brings it up you need to politely answer some questions she has, but other than that you need to be assertive and take her out and romance her as if you're beginning a new relationship, if that's what you want, and that includes taking her to bed. If she pulls away and shuns you, you have your answer and you move on. If she contacts you again you tell her you tried but she wasn't receptive so you've got plenty of other options worthy of your time. The end.

Edited April 14, 2021 by Highndry

[spiderowl]

I can see how difficult and confusing this must be for you, OP.

If she wants closure, that suggests there is something she doesn't understand.  However, why didn't she contact you earlier to find out about that?

I think you should not meet and should stick to talking on the phone.  It is best you do not go out of your way to engage with her while you are so confused and vulnerable.

In response to her message, I would arrange to speak to her on the phone and tell her she broke up with you.  Ask her what closure she wants as she made that decision.  If she goes into other things, like do you miss her, etc., tell her that she broke up with you so it doesn't make any difference whether you miss her or not, it was not your choice.  

If she wants to get back with you, let her ask in some way.  Let her ask to meet.  The onus is on her to build bridges if that's what she wants.  It would be harmful for you to be involved in her life just as a friend so avoid that.

It would not be fair to meet her anywhere where her child would be.  It is not fair on him.

Finally, if she does indicate she would like you back, you need to make it clear that you would not consider that if she is seeing anyone else.  It needs to be a fresh start for you both.

Edited April 21, 2021 by spiderowl

[whatitdo]

11 hours ago, spiderowl said:

I can see how difficult and confusing this must be for you, OP.

If she wants closure, that suggests there is something she doesn't understand.  However, why didn't she contact you earlier to find out about that?

I think you should not meet and should stick to talking on the phone.  It is best you do not go out of your way to engage with her while you are so confused and vulnerable.

In response to her message, I would arrange to speak to her on the phone and tell her she broke up with you.  Ask her what closure she wants as she made that decision.  If she goes into other things, like do you miss her, etc., tell her that she broke up with you so it doesn't make any difference whether you miss her or not, it was not your choice.  

If she wants to get back with you, let her ask in some way.  Let her ask to meet.  The onus is on her to build bridges if that's what she wants.  It would be harmful for you to be involved in her life just as a friend so avoid that.

It would not be fair to meet her anywhere where her child would be.  It is not fair on him.

Finally, if she does indicate she would like you back, you need to make it clear that you would not consider that if she is seeing anyone else.  It needs to be a fresh start for you both.

Ok everybody let me update on the situation. We have gone on one official date and going on another one tomorrow. He have hung out three times once at the park, once at her house and once at my house (other than first date). We have hooked up twice. 
 

she told me that she loves me and wants nothing more than us to be back together. She was acting funny at first because she was afraid of being hurt again. 

What we have agreed to is to take it slow and date for a while. 8-10 dates. After that, if our feelings are still strong and we feel we are still compatible then we will sit down and discuss in depth our likes and dislikes, what we are willing to compromise and not compromise on.

we agree that we love one another, and I explained that we are different people than we were four months ago so we have to start over and build a new relationship. So as of now we are dating, and tomorrow we are going to lunch for date two..... and she wants me to come spend the night for dessert tomorrow night. 

not overly excited yet but things are going in the right direction 

[Negotaurus]

So since you are "hanging out" at her place, is the child involved in this back and forth again?

[spiderowl]

I hope it works out for you OP

[whatitdo]

14 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

So since you are "hanging out" at her place, is the child involved in this back and forth again?

Well yes but we have only hung out at her place once and we’ll yeah...... 

[Wiseman2]

On 3/28/2021 at 8:51 AM, whatitdo said:

. Yet she said seeing him this weekend wouldn’t be good because she was going camping with a friend, but I’m not stupid. 

Is she still seeing Mr. Camping? It seems she's open to perhaps fwb or something like that. 

However on/off relationships usually just keep failing. People don't change in 16 weeks.

See how it goes but be prepared for a rerun of the past issues and most of all be prepared that she's still talking to meeting and seeing others.

Your interest in her was out of pure coincidence that you ran into her. She never reached out or sought out reconcilation, so there's a lot to consider.

 

[whatitdo]

On 4/23/2021 at 12:49 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Is she still seeing Mr. Camping? It seems she's open to perhaps fwb or something like that. 

However on/off relationships usually just keep failing. People don't change in 16 weeks.

See how it goes but be prepared for a rerun of the past issues and most of all be prepared that she's still talking to meeting and seeing others.

Your interest in her was out of pure coincidence that you ran into her. She never reached out or sought out reconcilation, so there's a lot to consider.

 

 

On 4/23/2021 at 12:49 AM, Wiseman2 said:

Is she still seeing Mr. Camping? It seems she's open to perhaps fwb or something like that. 

However on/off relationships usually just keep failing. People don't change in 16 weeks.

See how it goes but be prepared for a rerun of the past issues and most of all be prepared that she's still talking to meeting and seeing others.

Your interest in her was out of pure coincidence that you ran into her. She never reached out or sought out reconcilation, so there's a lot to consider.

 

Well another hiccup..... so had to do something and she was talking about coming over. Said I may have to leave so that may not work. Her response “well I can just stay there while you go.” 

i tried to explain that I do leave people in my house when I’m not there..... and we have been arguing ever since. 

her position is that I don’t trust her and if I trusted her then I would let her be there without me. She feels it’s the same issue as before when I was being secretive about where I live as I don’t like people knowing where I live. 

my position is I don’t leave anybody (other than mom) in my house when I’m not there. This isn’t a her thing. 

furthermore I tried to explain that it has nothing to do with trusting her or not it has to do with I’ve never left people in my house when I’m not home. 
 

so now it is well if we are just dating then we don’t need to be intimate. I explained that people that date are intimate not just those in relationships but if that’s what she wants then fine. 

my thing is that it seems like we are right back where we left off, that if I don’t give in to exactly what she wants then I’m not all in, or o don’t care about her, or fill in the blank. 

I tried to explain that everybody has their own boundaries and they should be respected 

[ExpatInItaly]

When you date messy people, you get messy "relationships."

Just don't get invested. This isn't going to last, OP. 

[whatitdo]

44 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

When you date messy people, you get messy "relationships."

Just don't get invested. This isn't going to last, OP. 

That doesn’t really answer my question..... although it is making me think real hard...

is it wrong of me not to leave people in my house without me. Yes we dated for 9 months but we didn’t talk for four months.... and been dating for idk 2-3 weeks (3 dates, hooked up twice) 

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, whatitdo said:

 Itried to explain that I do leave people in my house when I’m not there..... and we have been arguing ever since. 

 

Has she ever been to your home?

Actually both things make little sense. 1. That your living arrangements are this big secret.

2. That she (or anyone) wants to hang out while you're not there.

This seems to be more than "a hiccup". It's not working out. Don't torture yourself. Pull the plug so you can move forward.

Dragging this out into on/off, arguments over the same stuff,etc is a waste of your time.

[ExpatInItaly]

21 minutes ago, whatitdo said:

That doesn’t really answer my question..... although it is making me think real hard...

is it wrong of me not to leave people in my house without me. Yes we dated for 9 months but we didn’t talk for four months.... and been dating for idk 2-3 weeks (3 dates, hooked up twice) 

No, it's not wrong of you. You don't have to leave anyone at home without you. It's your home.  It's strange that you don't want anyone knowing where you live, though. Your secrecy about this is odd. 

But in the grand scheme of things, it's a rather irrelevant question. 

Edited April 30, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[whatitdo]

7 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

No, it's not wrong of you. You don't have to leave anyone at home without you. It's your home.  It's strange that you don't want anyone knowing where you live, though. Your secrecy about this is odd. 

But in the grand scheme of things, it's a rather irrelevant question. 

She knows where I live now..... I’ve cooked her dinner, and she has came and watched movies. 

 

It was an issue when we first dated