the experience of heartbreak

[custard]

Hello. Yesterday I broke up with my girlfriend, we had been together almost 5 years. It was a long distance relationship, and I loved her so much, but the past few months she made it clear she was unable to be there for me as a reliable partner, even though she still loved me. I don't want to get into the details beyond that. Even though I initiated the breakup because I needed to do what was best for me, it still hurts like hell. This is the longest I have ever been with anyone, and the deepest love I have felt, and for a while there we both thought we had a real future together.

But I wanted to write about the experience of heartbreak. I'm only on day 2 after the breakup so it's still pretty fresh, but it feels so strange... all day today I felt eerily fine. There was a subtle empty feeling, but I still felt ok, together, making jokes with people, had energy and got through my day fine, etc. Then this evening I was arguing with my family at dinner (this is normal for my family lol) and something just pushed me over the edge and I had to leave the room and sob like a baby for 20 minutes. Now I feel so drained, but also more in touch with myself. And it's weird because earlier today when I felt fine I almost wanted to feel worse, and maybe it's because I was sort of numb or detached without realizing it? I don't know. I just wish I felt more balanced, instead of feeling totally ok but a bit hollow, and then suddenly complete despair. Maybe somewhere in between would feel a little more grounding, but nobody ever said heartbreak was an even-keeled process.. Anyway just wondering what other people's experiences are feeling heartbroken. It's been over a decade since I have felt truly heartbroken like this so it's taking some getting used to...

[Cersei]

It's an emotional roller coaster. You will feel ups and downs. Certain things can trigger a memory, then feelings set in. Whatever you do, don't suppress those feelings. Be sure to feel. 

[Brooke02]

The emotion will come in waves. You feel ok then you get that icky feeling....Once you get a good cry it will make you feel better for a bit.  It will get tougher the further out you go NC but then it subsides and you will start to feel more like yourself. 

[custard]

Thanks. I feel like I'm "ok" for a bit (but I'm not really, I'm a bit out of my body and more anxious) and then music tends to trigger me. The other day it was a song in a store, today it was a song someone sent me. Songs that remind me of her destroy me.. but then I am much more grounded afterwards. Sad, lost, in pain.. but somehow better.. more real.

It's weird how I feel out of my body a bit when I don't cry for a while, like it's some strange coping mechanism, but I always feel more myself after I do for a while. It's like I can be functional and out of my body, or shaky, fragile and non-functional but in my body. Doesn't seem to be much of a middle ground. Anyone else experience that?

[Beachead]

Hey Custard,

I'm sorry for your breakup.  5 years was a long time and it's not an easy thing to get through. 

Your feelings and experiences will vary, depending on the nature of your breakup and how resolved you were with it..but one thing common to all breakups when you are the dumpee or someone who was simply forced to end it..and that is you go through a sporadic process of ups and downs.  Again, the intensity and frequency of those emotional changes will depend on the nature of your breakup and how resolved you were with it.  

I was a trainwreck for all my breakups.  I went through intense periods of sadness, numbness/denial and anger but it in the beginning, it was really a serious of physiological changes, denial and sadness though.    Everything reminded me of them.  Minutes felt like eternity and so getting through just 5 of them without checking my phone, was terrible.  It was anxiety, all day, everyday.   I slept through the day and would be wide awake at night.  If I fell asleep, I'd have bad dreams, wake up and feel 100X worse.  Then I'd have to get up the next morning and do life, putting on my best act on for family, friends, coworkers, when really, I had no motivation to do anything. 

To deal with the pain, I plunged into denial telling myself nonsense like  "She'll reach out" for example.   I wasn't looking at the longterm picture.  I didn't care.  Didn't matter to me that things were always going to end this way, because I had given the best I had in that relationship, and it just wasn't for her.  All I cared about was  my ex to come back to me so that she could make the pain go away.  It wasn't even about a relationship anymore..it was just about feeling too weak to deal with the withdrawal and wanting her (The fix).

But when the day post-breakup, accumulate, and weeks turn to months and your ex doesn't contact you or does contact you but it leads to nothing ..you start to understand that they can get through their life without you, just fine..and the reality is sobering.  Heartbreaking, but sobering.   Time therefore does a good job of forcing acceptance, and reoriented your focus towards the direction it needs to be going in.  When that happens for a person depends on them.   You may not feel 100% at that point, but it will all be uphill progress from there.

It's slow process and you'll need patience and understanding for yourself.   Don't do a disservice to yourself by diving into dating to bury the pain, putting a deadline on your grief and having expectations on how you should feel.  If you want the most out of it, take this one solo.  Learn to be comfortable by yourself.  Get acquainted with your pain and your feelings so that you can process them, work through them, and grow from them.   And let the process be.  Let the feelings be.  Getting through a breakup and going through that road to recovery, can be a very enlightening, growing experience that can teach you about yourself, if you keep your mind open.   Perhaps, that may not be what you want to hear, but if you do that, you'll make the hell you feel at the moment, ultimately worth it, because you became your best self from it.

- Beach

Edited April 3, 2021 by Beachead

[custard]

Hi Beach,

Thanks for your thoughtful reply. The breakup you speak of sounds rough, I'm sorry to hear that. Some of my past breakups have been pretty dark, in some ways similar to what you describe, and I self-medicated with drugs and promiscuity. But that was years ago and I'm a little older and wiser now. I did initiate the breakup, but as you put I did feel I was forced to end it. She had become very absent for months and very poor with communicating - I tried to salvage the relationship and be patient but it just became too painful to bear and my trust had been broken so many times that I just had to do what was best for me even if it hurt. She asked if we could still be in touch and I said I thought it would be better not to for a while, so I haven't had trouble with that and so far she is respecting that. I guess because I'm older now and have had my heart broken a few times, I'm more concerned with taking care of myself than looking for the quick fix to numb the pain, which always makes it worse in the end. I just don't have that desire anymore.

That being said, this is still very hard. Your last paragraph had some wise words in there. I am notoriously hard on myself, and I seem to have hidden expectations of myself that I'm not even aware of. I have been distracted and anxious with a big decision I need to make soon about college, and that has made me less in touch with my emotions and my body. It's kinda more painful to be in this state because I feel more depressed/anxious and numb than actually releasing the pain and feeling more grounded and whole, but as you said to just let the process be and let the feelings be that is helpful. To be patient with myself and realize there is no linear path to this. I've had a lot on my plate these past few months that forced me to put my emotions aside (partially) so I could get work done for deadlines. While that tactic served me and I was able to meet many goals, I think it's also ingrained this knee-jerk reaction now to numb my emotions when there are difficult things I am dealing with in other areas of life. The integration of feeling the sadness and also being functional is difficult. But I will try to let it be.

Edited April 7, 2021 by custard