I am devastated. Have I lost it all?

[Yokashin]

It all started in the end of Aug 20 when I used Tinder’s ‚travel’ mode to check out guys based in Stockholm. I matched with this lovely and interesting guy who I then learned was sharing so many things in common with and who I got along with like a house on fire, however it all started with a big lie on my side - in order not to lose him and his interest in me I told him that we matched while I was in Sweden for my job interviews and I got that job and will be moving to Sweden soon.

I thought to myself that I needed to meet him asap if this was going to work and tell him the truth but due to pandemic travelling from the UK where I live to Sweden became virtually impossible despite a number of attempts I have made. Yet he was very patient, he was very supportive, we talked on VC virtually every day, he even introduced me to his parents and I had started being sure that he is only focused on me, no one else.

So finally last weekend I managed to get to Sweden. It was such an exciting yet nerve-wrecking time. He was literally counting hours for my arrival and wanted to make sure everything was perfect.

When I arrived he kissed me and hugged me and I was feeling amazing. Then we went to his extremely fancy and posh apartment based on the most sought after street of the town. Everything there was pedantically clean and in order and costing fortune including his perfectly folded clothing and collection of hyper-expensive watches. I was a bit shocked and started feeling like a clumsy idiot worrying to destroy this perfection and making a fool of myself.

Still, he did not stop to impress me with how much effort he put into welcoming me with flowers, amazing foods and making sure I felt at ease.

When we went out that first day on a stroll, he was holding my hand and I was feeling head over heels. Finally for the first time in my life, I felt there was a guy who was really into me but I was feeling stressed that I could spoil it and despite wanting to just hold and kiss him, I did nothing all day. When we returned and had a few drinks we started feeling more relaxed and made out which led us to the bedroom...and it was not so good there and I felt it was my body complexes responsible for this.

The next day we woke up, everything seemed ok yet he was not very warm, he did not kiss me much etc. When we went out to town again he wouldnt hold my hand, he was jusy polite but distant. 

when we got back to his place, I could not help it but confronted him about this. He said that he conducted a psychological experiment and walked in my bag’s side so he did not have to hold my hand as wanted to check my reaction as he said I was not ‚opening up’ and he was feeling a barrier on my side. I asked him what he meant but he did not really answer my question. He also asked about my past relationship as apparently I acted like someone who never held a hand with a guy. He also said he thought that after 7 months of such an intense contact we would be much more advanced than at first date stage and we should just wait for my move to Sweden and date when I also have my own territory as he realises that staying together at his place was a jump into dewp waters for me. I was shocked as I could not understand it all and the effect was that despite wanting with the whole myself just kiss him and cuddle, It made me even more scared and intimidated.

then he asked me if I wanted to see some photos of his ex gf and it was a great mistake-she was very attractive and he also showed me a pic of her in bikini with her perfect ass which was opposite to me, a slighly overweight woman with many complexes and low self-esteem which he knew about.

it almost made me cry and I said I wanted to go to a hotel but it was not truth, yet it really hurt my feelings and I got myself even more distanced and worried to make any move towards him.

for the rest of my stay he was polite and chatty but he would barely kiss me and never held my hand again.

Since my departure a week ago we only spoke briefly once (I called him myself) when he was  kind yet he made it rather clear he wouldnt talk to me (not sure if he meant every day or not at all) and urged me to move on with my job so we can start dating normally in Stockholm.

i have been devastated since then as I can’t imagine how someone who made so much effort to be close to me for 7 months, suddenly just cut me off.

I have started thinking that he did not really like me when he met me for the first time in person and bad sex was only a cherry on top and next day he just introduced his ‚plan B’ of how to get rid of me using my own weaknesses (he also studied psychology for 2 years).

I can’t stop analyzing this which getting to me so much. I really don’t know what to do. Have I lost it all?

[basil67]

@Yokashin I'm not convinced that you lost anything at all.   I think that thanks to the distance, you were able envisage him as a much nicer man than he actually is.   But in real life, he was a weirdo who conducted phychological experiments, assumed that you'd be up for more sex than you were ready for, showed off his ex girlfriend for reasons I cannot fathom, then went cold on you.  

If I were you, I'd just block him.   It will hurt because even though you realise he wasn't the guy you thought he was, you'll still have to grieve the relationship you thought you'd have.   But it will free you up to start again with someone decent.

[Wiseman2]

Just curious why you sought out someone in Sweden?

What is wrong with dating locally?

It is probably not the best idea to start out catfishing and lying.

Also you have a paragraph about how impressed you were with his material surroundings,why is that?

It's quite reasonable for him to suggest that if you want to get a job in Sweden, you can resume dating then.

Why were you seeking long distance or hoping to get out of the UK?

Edited March 28, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

You broke UK coronavirus laws to go to Stockholm... you risked a £5000 fine.
And for what?
This was obviously a case of you not matching up to what he wanted. It is the risk you take with long distance online dating.
It was a first date that ended in sex and he had no desire to repeat it.
He then tried his best to burst your bubble and he succeeded. He has offered this "We can date when you get to Sweden", as an attempt to soften the blow. I guess he has no intention of following through with that.
You need to forget him, there is nothing for you here...
You did not meet expectations IRL and that is OK. He is likely either still hung up on his ex or he wants a close replacement, or  he makes a habit of luring girls to Stockholm for sex...
Next time date closer to home so you do not waste time spending months talking to a guy who will reject you once he meets you IRL.
First dates are first dates whether you have spoken for 6 days or 6 months, if the spark is not there IRL, then it is not there.
 

[Yokashin]

@Wiseman2 i have lived in the UK for a number of years but I have never been lucky locally and I wanted to move to Sweden but no, I did not expect to facilitate my move by meeting a local Swedish man. 
 

the paragraph about his „wealth” was more to show that he was kind of snobby and pedantic which did not make it that deep into my perception when we were talking. I am not a poor little girl myself, and fact that I am quite established in my London life, was clearly one of the factors why he invested time to meet someone who is his peer and who he got along with at all levels (we happened to even come from the same town in Poland).

When I met him on tinder I did not think it would go that far as I almost lost my hope of meeting anyone that way. I just thought he was another tinder loser so why telling him the truth? But I learned that you never know so one must be honest from the beginning.

[Yokashin]

@elaine567 My employer allowed me to work from Poland where I come from, where I have been residing for a while due to family issues so no, I did not break any UK laws! I travelled from Poland.

I know he was really into me and sure about this. why then even introducing me to his parents who I spoke with on a number of occassions. You do not do it with people you do not think seriously about. 

unfortunately despite a number of vc calls when he saw me looking from ugly and with no make up to glamourous, it was not good enough to ensure things go well when we meet but I will never find out what the real reason was and this is what has been killing me since. 
 

The only time when we spoke after my return to the country (initiated my me) I proposed that I would come for another weekend after Easter and see how it goes then but he rejected this saying it would not change anything. If he really wanted to make this work he would have agreed, but clearly he does not want anything to do with me any more.

[Wiseman2]

Ok, if and when you find work in Sweden you can see if you are still interested in him.

But why go out of your way to change tinder settings because you want to move to/work in Sweden?

If you think he's "snobby", don't follow up on your hookup with him..

Can you stay where you are and date locally? Why do you need distance situations?

 

Edited March 28, 2021 by Wiseman2

[elaine567]

17 minutes ago, Yokashin said:

The only time when we spoke after my return to the country (initiated my me) I proposed that I would come for another weekend after Easter and see how it goes then but he rejected this saying it would not change anything. If he really wanted to make this work he would have agreed, but clearly he does not want anything to do with me any more

 I suspected as much, the cold and distant treatment the next day was the giveaway.
Hugs.

23 minutes ago, Yokashin said:

even introducing me to his parents who I spoke with on a number of occassions. You do not do it with people you do not think seriously about. 

Not always true. Some guys do not see introducing parents/family as any big deal and will introduce any women he is seeing to parents, or take her to family gatherings, to then split up shortly after. He will then introduce the next one in exactly the same way...

[chillii]

Yep , sorry but he was done and sorry it all turned out that way it did too op. And don't worry it was obvious you were a little shocked at his apartment and stuff and nothing more. But that does in my book also say a lot about him as a person. in my experience anyone that fictitious fussy and perfectionist usually end up a pain in the arse to be around and it only took him one day, imagine 6mths. He didn't seem right to me , showing you pictures of his ex and wtf , in bikinis , he'd know damn well that'd hurt you, nice touch. And at any rate notice she was ex - the mind boggles, not. And this walking rubbish , tbh l think you dodged a bullet but l'm sorry it turned that way none the less. He put on his show but sorry , he just wasn't feeling it later.

ps and nope , the friends or family stuff means nothing , this place is full of posts - oh l don't understand l met his family and all - poof, he's gone anyway.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited March 28, 2021 by chillii

[Yokashin]

@chilliiNow from a little bit of perspective, I think he showed true colours that were not as bright as I thought and he was not the caring, warm guy I imagined he was. Unfortunately I feel big emptiness and I still miss him and it will not change for a while...

Edited March 28, 2021 by Yokashin
Adding @

[chillii]

Yeah , l know , really sorry it went that way.

[Wiseman2]

You chatted online 7mos and had one in person visit. It's not the end of the world.

With distance and overinvesting in that, can come the disappointments when you finally meet.

You both were disappointed in many things about each other and the visit seemed quite awkward.

Just put it behind you and date men who you can see on a regular basis and get to know better.

[d0nnivain]

He sounds like a self absorbed jerk.  All the gushing you did about his material wealth was kind of sickening to read.  

I don't care if you were talking for 7 months. That WAS your 1st date.  For him to claim that you should have been past the 1st date stage & ready to move in with him was arrogant & foolish at the same time.  You two don't even know each other. 

Since all of this was founded upon a lie, this was doomed from the start. 

Stop lying to people you meet on the internet.  Be truthful about who you are & where you live. Never give your heart away to people you haven't met in real life.  Until you get that 1st meeting, you don't really know them. All you know is what you think you know.  Your brain fills in the gaps & always in a positive way.  It's not realistic.  

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

For him to claim that you should have been past the 1st date stage & ready to move in with him was arrogant & foolish at the same time.

He didn't say that though. He never mentioned moving in...
He said he thought after talking intensely for 7 months they would be more advanced than first date stage.
He thought it would be easier and more comfortable than it was.
He had obviously built up an image in his mind of this relationship, and IRL it just didn't match up.

[Yokashin]

Funnily enough at the four attempts I made to go to Sweden and meet up with him, every time I had a hotel booked including this final time I made it there. He was upset that I did as he wanted to spend whole time with me (probably meaning giving him easier access to having sex with me) even though I treated this as my safety net. 
 

I told him that I would rather know if he didnt like me within the first hour he sees me and just stay at my hotel than find out later and cause awkwardness for both of us.

if he really did not like my looks from the first minute why kissing me, holding my hand and all that jazz? Honesty would have been better than what happened later especially because he kept telling me he liked staight talking and being honest.

[ShyViolet]

This is why it's never a good idea to seek out a person who lives in another country through a dating app, and "long-distance" date them.  I'll never understand why on earth people do this.  What a huge waste of time.  

So you chatted online for 7 months, built up a whole lot of anticipation, and then once you met in person you had no chemistry and the whole thing fell apart.  I can't say I'm surprised.  You used a lot of poor decision-making.  Going forward, date people LOCALLY and don't endlessly chat with them online before meeting in person.

[Versacehottie]

You already got lots of great responses. I would also say maybe he felt fine/lukewarm about about your looks but did not like the sex at all---and can't see going forward with you.  I mean look at when the moment after which things were different and the answer is right there....

One thing I dont think anyone has said is that if the date had gone well, then what?  You are still in the middle of a huge lie, right?  There is no job for you in Sweden and you've been lying about that the whole time. It's something you would have had to deal with if the date had gone well.  I doubt that part would have gone that successfully to be honest.  I think you speak at length about his material possessions because you hoped or got into this fantasy where you believed if the date went well, he would have you move there and he would take care of you.  All foolish IMO.

As much as a "talking" via meeting up through an app SEEMS to be going well, just take that as a bonus in a way in the future. You still need to treat every first date as a FIRST DATE as that is exactly what it is.  I think elaine had said which I totally agree with whether you've put 6 days or 6 months into it, it's STILL a first date.  It's fragile, fickle and can go any way.  It was wrong of you to over invest and to lie.  Something sounds off with him--actually you should be thanking your lucky stars that it didn't go better otherwise you might be stuck with a weirdo for a boyfriend or would keep investing more into something that just isn't good which would take you more time to figure out.  If you think about it, what guy in his right mind is going to talk to a girl and practically make her his girlfriend and set those expectations OVER a period of 7 months without ever having met them???? No normal guy would do that!!!  If it sounded too good to be true, it was. He's not 1/2 the things you fantasized.  Deep down I think you were looking for an easy way out of your life (ie the focus on his financial status).  

 

Edited March 28, 2021 by Versacehottie

[Yokashin]

@Versacehottie thank you for your input. The more people say what they think, the sooner at peace with this I will be as the main reason why I am seeking opinion is because I got totally confused by all of this.

there is one thing you are wrong about though. I was not shocked seeing his place as I saw it in photos and video calls he shared with me before but more  with the level of his snobism (everything had to be most expensive and designer etc) and being so extremely pedantic about everything that it made me feel intimidated. 

I hold a pretty senior position at a major UK bank so I am not poor myself either and it was one of the things that made him go for me in first place. He at one stage even called us a “power couple” which indicates he wanted ideally a successful in her career woman, a model who I am not, a perfect house wife who cooks well (he kept asking what I able to cook etc) and is going to be a great mother in one (he said he broke up with that “bikini model” as she would be a bad mother, not sharing his family values that I do coming from Poland as well).

you are right however about that big lie which had been haunting me since when I realised that I really liked him and wanted to be with him. I said to my friends that I wasn’t sure if I would rather he did not like me or liked me and I had to admit the truth. i maybe naively believed that he would forgive me and I would really find a job which was actually possible (I could try to relocated within my bank) and things would work out.

[Versacehottie]

Ok so why do you think so poorly of yourself? If you have a power position, why are you underselling yourself so much that you need to lie about job or feel insecure in the presence of his wealth?

Is it perhaps because you get the feeling he is all about the "trophies" and get the feeling that extends to women?  He probably might not be a guy who cares about power career in his girlfriend as evidenced when he pulls out bikini photos of his ex....I mean what was that about?  IMO, it can only be about one thing, to try to make you feel like that is what you need to be. Perhaps in the inadequacy that tainted the entire weekend was the little micro clues he'd given you all along in 7 months where you knew that he is someone who measures up via the exterior?  I think it was probably that and a combo of your insecure feelings and the fact that you were hiding a big lie.  I think having the foundation of a lie as the backstory under which you started and built this relationship was bound to play into feelings you already had regarding how insecure/secure you were.  Also that you over invested.  That you built your future around a guy who you'd never met in person and told a lie...It's a huge risk and deep down your mind knows that.

lastly, just because you make a good living yourself and have seen the photos of his place and materialism before, doesn't mean you aren't enamored by it.  I would actually say the way that you told the story says you are enamored by it as well as intimidated by it.  That can happen even if you are fine financially yourself.  

[Wiseman2]

If you think he's a "pedantic snob", you dodged a bullet by meeting him in person and getting a true feel for who he is.

[Yokashin]

@Versacehottie there are many things wrong about this whole thing - the big lie, letting it go on this way and most importantly my low self-esteem - the result of years of “dating” in London which was basically being rejected and  treated badly by many time-wasters out there. Now it may explain why I really wanted to change the climate and countries. 
 

he knew about my issues with self-acceptance and he could not understand why as he found me attractive and kept saying how much he liked me which boosted my confidence big time so I turned up in Sweden feeling re-assured that he would like me...naive me....instead when he actually did not like me, he decided to use my hiccups against me (ex gf ass photos etc) to get rid of me. It is really heart-breaking to realise this.

[Yokashin]

@Wiseman2 I hope you are right but still I feel really bad about this and a huge emptiness in my life 😞

[Wiseman2]

33 minutes ago, Yokashin said:

@Wiseman2 I hope you are right but still I feel really bad about this and a huge emptiness in my life 😞

Well you anticipated and invested 7 mos so there's a void and disappointment. That's ok. You'll heal with time.

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Yokashin said:

I know he was really into me and sure about this. why then even introducing me to his parents who I spoke with on a number of occassions. You do not do it with people you do not think seriously about. 

Yeah, actually people do do this.  My house sometimes feels like it has a revolving door with the boys my daughter had dated and I've met.  

[chillii]

5 hours ago, Yokashin said:

@Versacehottie thank you for your input. The more people say what they think, the sooner at peace with this I will be as the main reason why I am seeking opinion is because I got totally confused by all of this.

there is one thing you are wrong about though. I was not shocked seeing his place as I saw it in photos and video calls he shared with me before but more  with the level of his snobism (everything had to be most expensive and designer etc) and being so extremely pedantic about everything that it made me feel intimidated. 

I hold a pretty senior position at a major UK bank so I am not poor myself either and it was one of the things that made him go for me in first place. He at one stage even called us a “power couple” which indicates he wanted ideally a successful in her career woman, a model who I am not, a perfect house wife who cooks well (he kept asking what I able to cook etc) and is going to be a great mother in one (he said he broke up with that “bikini model” as she would be a bad mother, not sharing his family values that I do coming from Poland as well).

you are right however about that big lie which had been haunting me since when I realised that I really liked him and wanted to be with him. I said to my friends that I wasn’t sure if I would rather he did not like me or liked me and I had to admit the truth. i maybe naively believed that he would forgive me and I would really find a job which was actually possible (I could try to relocated within my bank) and things would work out.

 

Don't worry it was pretty obvious to me what and how you meant it but anyway sorry to say but this guy is basically a walking talking red flag , head to toe. Sadly l know but you've really dodged a biggie here.

 

 

 

Edited March 28, 2021 by chillii