Blocking on Social Media--do it, or not?

[UghOyVey]

I'm having a hard time deciding whether to unfriend and block four people on Facebook and am hoping you all can help. I was in a group with four other women that met weekly over Zoom for seven months. It was a blend of social and professional, though our current professional tie is that we study (non-degree) at the same place. I had a separate friendship with one woman that developed over the course of the group. None of the other women knew we spent time together in person every weekend and texted daily.

I was told after the fact that this woman was known for attaching quickly to people and then abruptly leaving. That's what happened with me, and when she dropped me, she also abruptly dropped our group and the group dissolved. I was the one who started the group, by the way. For a while the other women communicated with me individually over text and Facebook, and then all of a sudden they stopped liking my posts and gave very minimal answers to my texts that clearly felt like a brush-off. I took the hint but felt very confused, unless the woman who cut me off bad-mouthed me to the other women. 

Not since the fifth grade have I found myself in a situation like this. It was very hurtful especially as I'm new to the area and in the pandemic, these women were one of my only regular social outlets. 

I just want to put the whole thing behind me. I don't want to be friends with any of them. I don't want to see their posts and like staring at a car wreck, I can't not look. It hurts to see them liking each other's posts and it's clear the woman who cut me off "monkey-branched" to another woman in the group, with whom she's doing the same things she and I did and they fawn all over each other on social media. 

The only thing that gives me pause is that I might end up in a class with one or several of them once things reopen. They are intimate seminars and I do not feel safe having any of them in one with me, to the point that I'm considering no longer studying at this place. I'm afraid if I block all of them, the one who cut me off might badmouth me or they might gang up on me. Basically, I don't know what to expect; I just know that right now I really don't want to be connected to them in any way anymore. I feel very vulnerable--I think the pandemic exacerbated the vulnerability that comes with being new in town and alone. I regret having met them and if I could never see them again, that would be ideal. Alas, that might be impossible. 

So what should I do? Is it a bad idea to block them? I don't block people lightly; usually I just unfollow them on Facebook. I do know that if I block them, they'll notice--two of them in particular. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Delete and block all of them from all your social media and messaging apps.

You can take a break from this litter box for a while that way.

It also frees up your headspace to join new groups and make new friends.

[d0nnivain]

Go ahead & block.  Use technology to give yourself peace of mind.  If you end up in some other class with them, be polite. Nothing else is required of you.  

[UghOyVey]

You don't think blocking looks petty on my part and could make things with them worse when we see each other live? 

The other thing that scares me is the woman, let's call her Shelly, with whom I had an outside friendship told me she'd been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, and indeed her swift and intense hot-and-cold with me seems demonstrative of that. I know people with borderline traits are very reactive to any kind of abandonment. I'm afraid blocking her could lead to some kind of retaliation against me. Already she triangulated against me with the group months before the group ended, where she humiliated me in front of the group about something she should've taken up with me privately. She apologized for that but it struck me at the time as concerningly petty. Then, several months later when she dropped me and our group, I worry that the reason the rest of the women eventually all stopped responding to me might be Shelly's influence. She's very subtly manipulative. She's also influential in the field I'm aiming to make a career change to enter and I fear her retaliation there, too. 

Lastly, Shelly is active not only on Facebook but on Twitter, as well. We do not follow each other but a few nights ago I got a notification that she liked a reply to one of my tweets from days earlier. She must've accidentally clicked "Like" as she undid it, but I got the notification anyway. This means she's stalking my Twitter and even if I block her there, she still can log out of her account and see my tweets. 

Truly, I fear her as she seems like a subtle (thus scarier) bully who is capable of anything. Two of the three other women fawn over her in a way that is utterly creepy for women in their fifties. 

I feel I scored a really bad bunch with this group and being new in town, honestly I feel afraid. But I also just want to free myself of the social media anguish. Maybe I just need to vent here to get my fears assuaged somewhat. Thanks for listening. 

[d0nnivain]

I doubt they will notice.  They have cut you out of their lives, remember?  

If you are really nervous about blocking them, try muting them for 30 days.   It's all about you not seeing them.  

Frankly, if you have to be nervous about somebody's reaction, that's all the more reason to block.  If someone is that unstable, get them out of your life.  

Certain people in a club where I am a member blocked me over politics.  I had the temerity to disagree with them.  I haven't been back to that club in more than 1 year due to Covid.  Nobody over there follows any sort of Covid protocols, no social distance, no masks, . . ..no thanks.  They have had some deaths but they don't change.  It's a really sad situation.  Anyway, if there comes a time when DH & I go back, I will smile politely (tight lipped) & nod my head in greeting but otherwise not bother about them.  If they come up to me with anything other than a full throated apology, I will simply murmur "I'm sorry you feel that way" over & over until they retreat.  If they don't retreat, DH & I will simply leave. That chapter of that club isn't that important to me but I will still pay my dues because it's important to me in other ways.  

[ShyViolet]

Yes, block them.  And you need to stop being so afraid of them and what they might think.  These are not elementary school bullies.  You are all grown women. Why exactly are you so afraid of them?  You shouldn't change anything about your life just to avoid them, like no longer studying at the place where you study.  That would be an unhealthy reaction.  If you end up in the same class as one of them you ignore them, don't speak to them and stand your ground... you have every right to be there and you shouldn't run and hide and alter your life just to avoid people.

[glows]

Can't you just not see their posts by deleting them off your feed? They exist in the periphery but you don't get any stories about them or updates. I did this on facebook years ago and totally forgot I even knew some of those people! If you don't like them enough, completely delete off and block them. Who cares what they think? 

Stay the course with your studies and don't let these people get you down.

[lana-banana]

Isn't this exactly what the mute/silence feature is for? They won't appear blocked and they will get no notification whatsoever, but you will no longer see their posts or activity.

[Acacia98]

On 3/29/2021 at 4:57 PM, UghOyVey said:

You don't think blocking looks petty on my part and could make things with them worse when we see each other live? 

(...)

I know people with borderline traits are very reactive to any kind of abandonment. I'm afraid blocking her could lead to some kind of retaliation against me. Already she triangulated against me with the group months before the group ended, where she humiliated me in front of the group about something she should've taken up with me privately. She apologized for that but it struck me at the time as concerningly petty. Then, several months later when she dropped me and our group, I worry that the reason the rest of the women eventually all stopped responding to me might be Shelly's influence. She's very subtly manipulative. She's also influential in the field I'm aiming to make a career change to enter and I fear her retaliation there, too. 

 (...)

Truly, I fear her as she seems like a subtle (thus scarier) bully who is capable of anything. Two of the three other women fawn over her in a way that is utterly creepy for women in their fifties. 

Why are you worried about looking petty when they have already been beyond petty in their treatment of you? You do a good job of describing the ways in which these "friends" have manipulated you etc. So you are very much aware that they do not mean you well. The instinctive response to being attacked (and you have been attacked at the emotional level) is to remove oneself from harm's way. So do that.

Personally, I'd block them all. If I felt that negative about anyone (fearful, anticipating revenge), I wouldn't want them to be connected to me and to be able to observe who I was interacting with and what I was doing/saying. I actually think the fact that she can stalk you day and night and gather all sorts of info about you while casting this dark cloud over you (because you will always be aware of her presence and will have to constantly be careful not to say the wrong thing on your timeline) is a more immediate danger than whatever she might do to you in the future.

I suspect that her power over you is boosted by your fear. If you remove yourself from this situation long enough to become indifferent, she will no longer have a hold over you.

Regarding having to take classes together or work together, I'd cross that bridge when I got to it. By that point, I'd be indifferent towards her, so the situation wouldn't be threatening.