Emotionally Unavailable Man - Never contacted me again after emotional moment

March 29, 2021

This is a long post. I tried to put in as much as I can - writing it out was therapeutic to me. I would be happy to get some Feedback. Maybe someone has experienced something similar.

I met a guy in October and we hit it off. He was interested, called me a lot and told me so much about him. I felt a connection with him - and he seemed crazy about me. We had two dates in November and he told me he wanted to get to know me serious (mid-December). But first he had to resolve issues in his life (career change). He also said that from this point on he will only focus on me and would be happy if I do the same.

After one month he was back and from then on (mid-January) he strung me along telling me he’s very interested and that he really likes and is attracted to me. But that he has to focus on his career change. He also said that he likes to take things slow and really wants to get to know me. But apart from having long phone calls we didn’t really see each other. In the phone calls though we always talked how cool it would be to finally see each other more and talked about the future. He also searched for jobs that are close to the city I will move to in June and if they weren’t he made sure they have a remote option or an office near the city. I always thought that was a good sign.

After telling me he has a serious interest and wants to be exclusively dating but he has to take a short break first (mid-December) I texted him twice in three weeks but he didn’t reply or read my text. It wasn’t until the beginning/middle of January that he called back. He wouldn’t call or message for a few days, answer my texts late or promise to write or call and then don’t do it. He initiated phone calls or texting as well but it wasn’t like in the beginning. That frustrated me because I genuinely felt his attraction and interest in me but his behavior was showing me quite the opposite. He always seemed genuinely interested when we phoned but I also sensed that he was kind of blocked - emotionally I mean. It was like he was holding back and I couldn’t put my finger on it. I always thought it’s about his job and his job search.

In the two weeks leading up to us meeting each other again I had a few conversations with him about how it affects me when he doesn’t call or text for a few days or when we don’t see each other. I told him how it affected me that he ghosted me for a few weeks after telling me he has a serious interest in me. He assured me that he really likes me, he apologized and explained that it was just so much on his plate and said he is interested in me a lot. I remember telling him that I would love if he could show it to me. I knew at one point that something was off. I remember that one time he wrote me that he can’t stop thinking about me and I remember being so happy about it but that’s when things changed. That was at the end of November. I always thought it was about his job where he had many problems. I just didn’t know better, liked him a lot and was curious to see where things would go. That’s why I sat it out, even though I was frustrated and it was emotionally draining. Apart from that I went with the flow and was very gentle, nice and caring towards him.

At the end of February he told me that things are looking good for us to start meeting each other more regularly and he invited me over to his city. This was because his career change was in full progress and things started to look good (he is about to get a new job). Beforehand we had a call were we talked about past relationships. He told me his last relationship ended in April 2020 - I was confused because he never talked about it. I asked him whether he’s emotionally available and he told me he is. He said „I really want to try this with you“ and seemed genuinely happy and excited.

A few days later, the evening before I went to visit him, his energy was really off on the phone. I remember asking him whether he already thought about how we can see each other more regularly and he told me no. Which confused me. I told him that at this point he should be more confident in this, because I can at least say I like him and want to see him more regularly. He said we have to see how it goes, which confused me even more because it was so different from what he told me the days before and in all those calls beforehand. I said I don’t want to proceed if we’re not on the same page because I don’t want to get hurt and it’s better if we move on than to meet. He told me he wouldn’t invite me over if he wouldn’t care about and have feelings for me. I said well ok then. Let’s try this.

When I finally saw him again he was happy to see me but also really nervous. Which I thought was weird because I would’ve expected him to be more enthusiastic to see me - just as the first two times we saw each other. We spent time, talked to each other and had sex but it felt like he was not able to be intimate/vulnerable - it felt like it scared him when I touched him. We didn’t cuddle or kiss a lot. Only when we had sex we kissed and hugged each other tightly. But it felt off.

We had great conversations though, laughed a lot and told us so much about each other. I was so surprised that he was able to remember every small detail about me. Him being kind of uncomfortable to receive affectionate touch made me insecure. He very carefully caressed me, not a lot though, but it was like nothing I was used to from the men before him who were all over me. He was so nervous and it felt like he was driving with the handbrakes on. Another thing I noticed is how much he tried to impress me with his stories and he always made sure I’m feeling well at his place. But he also seemed insecure and not really confident. What I noticed was that he told me so much about his life. He shared many beautiful stories with me about his children, his ambitions and his dreams.

In the morning he was different. He didn’t kiss or hug me. There was no affection. He told me a story of how I woke up in the night and gently kissed him. He was touched and said that this was really cute. Then he became sad and told me it’s been a long time since he slept next to a woman. He had zoom meetings then and after that he and I talked. I had the feeling that he didn’t really like me (because of him not showing affection and not being able to receive it). When he asked me a personal question I told him I would rather not answer because I am unsure whether we are going to see each other again. I then asked him whether he enjoyed me visiting him.

When he answered he was all over the place with his thoughts. He told me that he noticed that we both aren’t crushing on each other. I told him that I’m crushing on him but it makes me insecure that he isn’t affectionate with me and seems to not be able to receive affection which made him tear up a bit. I told him that when we first met he seemed to be head over heels for me, now he seems different and then asked him whether he at least feels something for me and he told me that although he doesn’t have a crush on me he has feelings for me and that he feels drawn to me. But that he’s also scared and that after we talked about his ex-girlfriend he noticed that there are, in parts, still strong feelings for her and doesn’t know what he wants and is generally confused. He said that with his Ex-Girlfriend it was different. He was head over heels for her the whole time. He told me that when things ended with his Ex-Girlfriend he swore himself to never get lost in love again and that he no matter what wants to take things slow because he went into that relationship without thinking and he got burned pretty badly. He never wants to get hurt again and get into something without thinking.

He also said that it’s not really about the feelings that there are maybe still for her it’s more how this whole situation has left him. He said it was a difficult situation and he’s still very hurt about it. He left his wife for her, they’ve been with each other for a bit over a year (she wanted to have kids with him, he didn’t with her and she said he shouldn’t visit his kids and wife anymore). He still visits his wife and kids regularly. He doesn’t have a good interpersonal relationship with his wife that he’s separated with. From what he told me there was a lot of push and pull from both women and from what he told me it seems like both of them were abusive in their own way towards him. He didn’t specifically say that but it was the small things he said that scream abusive - maybe he hasn’t even realized this yet.

I asked him whether we will ever see each other again and he said he doesn’t know, he has to think about it. He doesn’t want to say something because he’s scared it’s not the right thing he wants. He’s scared of being close to me and doesn’t understand his feelings. I told him that then I’m not the right one for him because if I would then he wouldn’t worry about these things. And he told me it’s not about me, if he can’t make it work with me he can’t make it work with someone else. He then went on to say that I’m perfect for him and told me how amazing I am. That it’s just about him and not about me. He needs to figure this out. He also said that I’m the first one he has developed feelings for since things ended with his ex-girlfriend. He also said I’m the first woman he has let into his life after things ended with her.

But no matter what he really needs to think about this before he gives me a proper answer as to what this means to us. He told me he’s going to call in a few days. I said why, you’ve already told me everything I need to know. But he said he wants me to understand why he is like that. And I said but please don’t call me to tell me how much you love another woman.

He also said that he always knew what he wanted in life but this is the first time he doesn’t know what he wants - he was so frustrated when he said this. When he brought me to the train station he asked me whether I have planned my move to another city yet (I told him I’m going to move in a few months) and I told him no. He also said that if I wouldn’t pursue my graduate degree I could live and work from everywhere. And I told him that I really like the program I‘m enrolled in. It felt like he was asking this because he will move soon to another city (at least when he is about to get the job there) and we sometimes talked about how cool it would be to live in the same city. To me it seemed like he was always planning with me.

What has left me confused is that he was all over the place. He seemed to be so overwhelmed, stressed and confused - very conflicted. He said he wanted to take things slow but there was no progress and he already planned his future with me (thinking about being with each other and living in the same city). He talked about his Ex-Girlfriend and his feelings for her but this was literally the first time I’ve heard about her since I’ve met him in October - since October it was the first time I’ve heard him talking about how things ended with his wife and Ex-Girlfriend. The only thing he really talked about was his career change, his life and us. Maybe after all it wasn’t about her but really about how much he’s scared of being close to someone and getting hurt again. He says he needs to think about us and that he’s confused but on the way to the train station he asks whether I’ve planned my move yet and would drop me pursuing my degree (hinting towards moving to his new city with him). He says he doesn’t have a crush on me but feelings but when he talks about us he gets confused and tears in eyes - and doesn’t get specific whether he wants to see me again. He says he doesn’t have a crush on me but gets jealous when I talk about other guys. Huh? Im so confused. Wouldn’t he end things right then and there if he wouldn’t care?

During the whole conversation I was calm, collected and gentle. He spoke for the most part. I am still so proud I could be strong - I think I couldn’t have acted better.

When I met him, so in the beginning, he was head over heels for me and cute and I always thought that him being distant had more to do with him having a career change. I felt a connection. There were so many good moments over the phone were he talked about the future and how much he has planned with me. I remember I had to stop him a few times and telling him that we still have to get to know each other way more - and see each other and spend time with each other. I still can’t believe there were almost four months between the second and third date. But after a certain point (he once wrote that he can’t stop thinking about me) I felt like his energy has shifted. That’s when he became more distant and avoiding. It’s so confusing.

It’s been almost two weeks since I’ve seen him and I haven’t heard from him since (I haven’t written him as well). I really thought he liked me and I was so excited to spend time with him and get to know him more. But I’m also really sad because I think that this is it. And it’s so weird, we weren’t even in a relationship together.

This situation was very confusing to me. Him being distant and avoiding never made me anxious but it irritated and frustrated me because my needs weren’t met and I felt something was off despite also feeling he really likes me. I’m sad it’s over but I wonder whether he will ever come back or whether I should message him. I wonder what he thinks about me. I wonder whether he felt something for me and what role I played.

But man, I also wonder about myself. Why did I stick around after mid-December? I should’ve known better. I don’t think something like this is ever going to happen again because I feel now I know better. But I’m still very confused. I still have a lot of growing and learning to do. I can’t believe he strung me along from mid-January till now. He always said he wants to see and spend time with me ... but this and this and that. Awful.

What is the best way to cope with this? Can anyone make sense of this?

March 29, 2021

I would not continue dating him. He isn't ready at all.

My very strong suspicion is that all the "job" confusion at the end of 2020 was actually related to his ex. Perhaps they were trying again and he was dating you both at the same time. His vague explanations and disappearing for days or weeks and needing a break don't spell only "career change" to me.

I don't think he's done with the ex, personally. He might recognize that you're a good catch but his heart and mind are with her. Whether he's actually still dating her (which I wouldn't rule out, based on how skittish and dodgy he is with you), or just isn't over her, I would not hold out hope for this one and I would not contact him again. He doesn't feel the same way you do, that much is clear.

Edited March 29, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

March 29, 2021

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

I would not continue dating him. He isn't ready at all.

My very strong suspicion is that all the "job" confusion at the end of 2020 was actually related to his ex. Perhaps they were trying again and he was dating you both at the same time. His vague explanations and disappearing for days or weeks and needing a break don't spell only "career change" to me.

I don't think he's done with the ex, personally. He might recognize that you're a good catch but his heart and mind are with her. Whether he's actually still dating her (which I wouldn't rule out, based on how skittish and dodgy he is with you), or just isn't over her, I would not hold out hope for this one.

Thank you for your feedback. He told me that he hasn’t talked to her since last April. I fully trust him. But you could be right with this assumption.

March 29, 2021

Just now, mimic2021 said:

Thank you for your feedback. He told me that he hasn’t talked to her since last April. I fully trust him. But you could be right with this assumption.

You hardly know him. Why do you fully trust him?

March 29, 2021

6 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You hardly know him. Why do you fully trust him?

Fair enough. I just assumed it was a combination out of work stress (he works in a high pressure environment), searching and difficulties in finding a new job, stressors in his life (serious illness of a close loved one) and him spending lots of time during lockdown with his wife and kids (he has a seperate apartment). He was always very open with me and made the impression that „things add up“.

Edited March 29, 2021 by mimic2021
A sentence

March 29, 2021

My point is that you can only go on his word, but don't know him anywhere near well enough to know how honest those words are.

You have little tangible, real-life experience with him, given how little time you spent together in person. I personally think there are a few things that don't add up about his excuses for his shiftiness, but that's moot now.

He wanted to end this, is the take-away. It never really even got off the ground, so I would not try to contact him again. He isn't into it.

March 29, 2021

This was a painful read. Not because of the length, but because of this 'relationship' you have with this man. It's literally everything in how NOT to start a potential new relationship.

All he has been giving you is excuses after excuses, and you seem to be buying it and giving him more chances to sweet talk you.

You already know he is not interested in you as much as you are in him. His actions have shown that as well. It's plain as day.

Time to stop wasting your time and drop him once and for all.

Do not contact him ever again and find someone that is not so much hard work. It shouldn't be this hard.

March 29, 2021

This guy was acting as shady as hell from almost day one and you trusted him?
Why were you so gullible?
Why, when he stopped being "head over heels" and asked for a break did you stick on in there despite the rejection?
Where was your self respect?

March 29, 2021

9 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

This guy was acting as shady as hell from almost day one and you trusted him?
Why were you so gullible?
Why, when he stopped being "head over heels" and asked for a break did you stick on in there despite the rejection?
Where was your self respect?

Thank you for reading my post and for your feedback. His job situation seemed genuinely stressful and his interest in me seemed genuine as well. I believed him when he told me he wants to get to know me more serious and that he wants to be exclusive in dating me. He said he has planned a lot with me and he can’t wait for it to start between us but he really needs to focus on this first. I didn’t take that as a rejection.

It seemed like his work situation was really taking a toll on him (he talked about it all day in great detail) and it became clear that he had to search for a new job. He was focused on that. If I could go back I would have done things differently. Now I realize I have been very infatuated with him and overlooked some serious Red Flags because I believed him. I was a fool.

Edited March 29, 2021 by mimic2021
A sentence

March 29, 2021

Yeah, unfortunately, I think you've been played.

I don't believe for a hot minute that this was all job stress.

March 29, 2021

Just now, ExpatInItaly said:

Yeah, unfortunately, I think you've been played.

I don't believe for a hot minute that this was all job stress.

I don’t want to go into detail why I believe him but I do believe him. All I can say is he works in a high pressure position. I can’t fathom that he might played me. For what reason? I went into this contact saying I just want to have sex and talk here and there. He pursued me and invited me into his life. It wasn’t until mid-December that he told me he has a serious interest in me and won’t focus on anyone else. I was irritated the whole time given the fact that I just wanted to have sex. For a casual hook up everything he did was just ... different. That’s why I’m so confused.

And I get what you said in your earlier replies/comments (by the way thank you for taking the time and sharing your thoughts. I appreciate it). But I think his reaction at the end of the last meeting - and I wrote in great detail about it - was just too strong. He could’ve simply said: I don’t feel it. Bye. But why have this long conversation? The confusion, the all-over-the-place, the desperation, the being completely overwhelmed. It doesn’t add up.

I’ve been with many men and made my experiences but everything about this man was just so different. Never have I experienced something like this.

March 29, 2021

Nothing about what you posted made me think he was genuine in the least. I know plenty of people in very high stress jobs & none of them behave like this guy. This was never about work. It was always about stringing you along while he tried to sort out his failed marriage & whatever was going on with the "Ex" he left his wife for.

He's a player. He knows exactly what you need to hear (socially acceptable "work stress") for him to be in & out of your life. This BS about him moving cities to be with you . . .puhlease.

You have too much invested in a man who has never been straight with you about anything.

March 29, 2021

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Nothing about what you posted made me think he was genuine in the least.

That was my impression as well.

It all sounds so shady from start to finish.

March 29, 2021

18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Nothing about what you posted made me think he was genuine in the least. I know plenty of people in very high stress jobs & none of them behave like this guy. This was never about work. It was always about stringing you along while he tried to sort out his failed marriage & whatever was going on with the "Ex" he left his wife for.

He's a player. He knows exactly what you need to hear (socially acceptable "work stress") for him to be in & out of your life. This BS about him moving cities to be with you . . .puhlease.

You have too much invested in a man who has never been straight with you about anything.

Thank you for your feedback. I can agree, I’ve dated men that were in equal positions but they had more room than he had. But then again, they weren’t searching/interviewing for other jobs while working 50-60 hrs.

Lets assume your assessment is correct: He strung me along with no genuine interest. What was his benefit? Why keep up this narrative of getting to know me more? Why the strong emotional reaction at the end? If he knew he was not genuine about me why invite me over to his place and let me spend the night and not come to my apartment and quickly dip out?

What role did I play in his life/in all of this?

And I might add - I have been with many men before and I always took pride in being sensible and empathetic. I knew something was off but I just couldn’t put my finger on it. On the one hand literally everything he said felt so genuine. There was no doubt in my mind that he was genuine. On the other hand he showed so little for it. I always wondered: why would he do or say this when ... I just didn’t understand.

That’s why it’s so hard for me to believe that he just played me because I always thought it’s a bit too much for getting what even. What was it I gave him? Why jump through all this hoops for a woman that told you she just wants to have Sex?

Edited March 29, 2021 by mimic2021
Added some additional sentences at the end

March 29, 2021

You think it was a strong emotional attachment. I see him just lying to you, telling you what you wanted to here. The benefit to him was entertainment. You were somebody to talk to. Somebody to have sex with. Somebody to combat the loneliness of not having his EX. He did the effort he had to do to keep you where he needed you: available.

March 29, 2021

1 minute ago, d0nnivain said:

You think it was a strong emotional attachment. I see him just lying to you, telling you what you wanted to here. The benefit to him was entertainment. You were somebody to talk to. Somebody to have sex with. Somebody to combat the loneliness of not having his EX. He did the effort he had to do to keep you where he needed you: available.

That could be the case. But when I am available to him, why end it then and never contact me again?

March 29, 2021

5 minutes ago, mimic2021 said:

Thank you for your feedback. I can agree, I’ve dated men that were in equal positions but they had more room than he had. But then again, they weren’t searching/interviewing for other jobs while working 50-60 hrs.

Lets assume your assessment is correct: He strung me along with no genuine interest. What was his benefit? Why keep up this narrative of getting to know me more? Why the strong emotional reaction at the end? If he knew he was not genuine about me why invite me over to his place and let me spend the night and not come to my apartment and quickly dip out?

What role did I play in his life/in all of this?

This guy is stringing you along emotionally for sex. He's telling you the bare minimum required to get you to sleep with him. He is a narcissist and probably a sociopath who gets off on the idea of manipulating and controlling you. Delete this guys number.

March 29, 2021

1 minute ago, cleverusername said:

This guy is stringing you along emotionally for sex. He's telling you the bare minimum required to get you to sleep with him. He is a narcissist and probably a sociopath who gets off on the idea of manipulating and controlling you. Delete this guys number.

That could be a possibility. But for someone who just strung me along for sex we did have very little sex. But I completely get where you are coming from. I think it makes sense. Thank you for your input.

March 29, 2021

7 minutes ago, mimic2021 said:

That could be the case. But when I am available to him, why end it then and never contact me again?

I suspect because the EX came back.

March 29, 2021

27 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I suspect because the EX came back.

But when the Ex came back why invite me over to his place and spend two days with me trying to get to know me and telling me about his dreams and asking about mine? Why call me many times and talk hours on end with me about his life, what he experienced that day, how his interviews were and me and us the prior weeks leading up to this?

As much as I would love to believe what you say - and I do have the emotional and intellectual capabilities to handle the narrative that you and other posters have built - it still doesn’t really add up for me. I really want to believe this, but in doing so I would have to acknowledge that my intuition, my empathy and my intellect would have terribly failed me. I was the one talking to and spending time with him. There is so much that is not in this post because it’s been months. I would have never expected for things to unfold the way they did. And I feel sad about it and hurt.

After all we can’t really tell what’s on his mind and what’s in his heart. We can assess and judge this based only on patterns we see and past experiences we’ve made. The lenses from which we view the world.

I am confused as to why this happened. Why someone would do this. No matter what his intentions were: the outcome could have been expected, at least I think so from his side. That was a terribly selfish act from him. But I was also a fool, because I cared for him and I was curious. As said earlier, nothing like this has ever happened to me.

Edited March 29, 2021 by mimic2021
A sentence

March 29, 2021

I also think that he was spending time with another woman (be it the ex or someone else entirely) and was trying to decide between the two of you.

Maybe he nearly got caught, felt guilty, who knows.

The point is, don't make the mistake of assuming someone you hardly know is genuine or worthy of your full trust. You just don't have enough tangible information about this man to really verify anything he was telling you. I think that on this occasion, yes, you got carried away in your emotions.

March 29, 2021

This guy is all over the place like a train wreck. He's acting flakey and crazy. This is because he's on the rebound and you are the rebound girl.

March 29, 2021

He sounds really confused about what he wants in his romantic life. There are already two women he was (maybe still is) bouncing between beforehand. That’s a lot to step into to. Plus, he’s still married. Not a good way to start a solid relationship with anyone. Many times they’re still dealing with lots of raw emotion.

I think he’s keeping you on the back burner in the event something doesn’t work out with these other women. Everything you’ve written points to him leading you on by telling you what you want to hear. He’s filled you with false hope by telling you he wants something serious to keep you in place.

Other reasons he would go through so much to make you believe he wants a serious relationship: some people are really good at playing the game and love the initial rush. This was so common place when I was dating. In most cases, it was because they loved that rush/excitement...not a particular person.

Edited March 29, 2021 by Snow_Queen

March 29, 2021

2 minutes ago, Snow_Queen said:

He sounds really confused about what he wants in his romantic life. There are already two women he was (maybe still) bouncing between beforehand. That’s a lot to step into to. Plus, he’s still married. Not a good way to start a solid relationship with anyone. Many times they’re still dealing with lots of raw emotion.

I think he’s keeping you on the back burner in the event something doesn’t work out with these other women. Everything you’ve written points to him leading you on by telling you what you want to hear. He’s filled you with false hope by telling you he wants something serious to keep you in place.

Other reasons he would go through so much to make you believe he wants a serious relationship: some people are really good at playing the game and love the initial rush. This was so common place when I was dating. In most cases, it was because they loved that rush/excitement...not a particular person.

Thank you so much for your comment. I appreciate it.

Do you think he even remotely cared about me?

March 29, 2021

Your intellect, your empathy & your intuition didn't fail you. He was very good at hiding the whole picture from you. What you saw added up so you didn't feel the need to inquire further. You have to be able to trust the people you are in relationships with but the best cons know how to make it so you have no reason to question them.

Again we only know your side. We don't know his. There may be things you are still not seeing or that are still hidden from you. When you started to see the flakiness you asked questions & made further inquiry. You weren't passive. But now you just have accept that it's over & move yourself forward.

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Emotionally Unavailable Man - Never contacted me again after emotional moment

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