Jump to content

Exploited, but I allowed it. Hooray.


Recommended Posts

*Involves talk about symptoms of schizophrenia, if that makes you uncomfortable, please pass on this one!*

Hello, hope you're well. 

I don't know where else to post this, if I've missed the mark, I am sorry. I think I largely just want to vent, not really looking for advice as there isn't much that can be done. I guess I am largely reflecting and going over something that has turned into a pattern. But I appreciate you being here. 

I was in a rut for quite a few months, I came out of it some weeks ago. That's when I posted here about having schizophrenia, doing so was actually a big step for me. Social media, the internet, technology, all that jazz, is a massive trigger for me and something my condition tries to get me to fear. There was a time when my paranoia was uncontrollable, it may not sound like much, but I am very glad I finally had the guts to post about it publicly. I have been doing a lot better since. Anyway. 

I work full-time, at home I usually draw, crochet, knit or read. I spend a lot of time with my guinea pigs as well. Some months ago, before I entered my "depressed-phase", I was playing video games and happened to meet somebody who sounded fun and carefree. I am a 22-year old woman, he's a 27-year old man. He lives in America, I live in Europe. I don't care much for "connecting" with people these days, I want a lot of space currently and I'm just not ready for that. So the fact that we could just casually talk without any expectations was nice. 

Well, that lasted for about a week. Then he started pressuring me to call him, we had simply been texting up until that point. Looking back, that's actually when I started getting depressed. He was constantly whining about it, I believe he was already telling me he "loved me" or something. He said he meant it in a casual sense but all in all, it was weird. I ignored it, obviously, because I am naiive and I was lonely at that point. That's why I was playing video games. I laughed it off, every time he mentioned it, and called me knowing that I won't pick up, I just tried to laugh it all off. 

One day I just gave in. I know I am in full control over what I allow, but yet again, I managed to convince myself that I was being unfair and mean. He also kept telling me I was being "difficult". So we called. I admit, it was fun. We talked a lot over the phone for the next month, but not only was I starting to get depressed, my schizophrenia also got worse. I knew being on the phone was something I had to avoid at that time, but I ignored that thought, because I was being "too difficult" and he was right, not me. He always whined when I didn't call and I don't want to make people feel bad. He was always whining, actually. He was constantly nagging at me, about my work, about my phone, about my habits, about what I cook, he's one of those people that look for faults in everything and just whine. I laughed it off, obviously. At the time I didn't realise how cocky and disrespectful he was. I never realise it, 'till I look back and notice the things I allowed. He was constantly talking about "loving me", being "intimate" with me, "marrying" me or something. He was sending me GIFs of what he would "do to me". It was just creepy. Looking back it was like a perverted fantasy for him. I kept trying to laugh it off, though. I ignored those things, but he got so needy sometimes and was constantly asking me if I missed him and how much. How much, how much, tell me how much. Just weird. I always managed to dodge the questions with humour. Then one day he got butthurt and stayed butthurt for days because "I had friendzoned him". 

I must admit, I fully allowed all of it. I never truly said "stop". I didn't want to make him feel bad! Which is messed up! He was being a total creep. Stuff like that keeps happening, I only come to my senses after it's over and I've had time to think. How do I not realise those things as they are happening..

Two weeks or so after the first phone call, he started pressuring me to video call him. I was dodging it for a while, he video called me everyday knowing I won't pick up, then he started guilt-tripping me, and obviously I called because I felt bad. And because I am dumb. He knew about my schizophrenia and how it is hard for me to do such things. Water under the bridge. 

I don't want to come off as mean, I don't care about what people look like, really, I am not shallow. But it was bizarre, he always talked about how handsome and sexy he was (alright), how he has had so many girlfriends he can't count (fantastic), but the person on the other side was an overweight man with hair and beard that probably hadn't been taken care of, well, in a while. I stayed on for a while, but it was horrible for me. I was having constant hallucinations, I was paranoid, I was hearing voices. He knew it was happening. He knew I saw an old man sitting next to me, who was blocking my way off the bed, and somebody else at the door, blocking my way out the room altogether. I was becoming so so paranoid. I told him I have to get off the phone, he tried to stop me from doing that, saying he will "be there for me". It's so messed up. I know people don't always know how it works, but I told him video chatting was THE worst for me. He didn't care! I think in his mind, he was my "saviour". Eventually I just hung up on him. Never video called him again. 

Soon after he got very busy with work. So grateful for that.  I had time to pull back and think. That's when I realised, what the hell have I done. I was so weirded out, disgusted and so mad at myself. He wanted somebody he could exploit and be a creep to, I was perfect for that. I was a naiive 22-year old, no experience with healthy relationships, a schizo on top of that. But I allowed all of it! I forgot my boundaries because "he must be more sane than I am, he must be right, I am the crazy one". 

After he stopped being busy, I basically ignored him. I replied sometimes when he asked a question, but every single time he said some weird stuff, random stuff, or "I miss you", I ignored. 

He then asked me if I am alright, I said yes, I am perfectly fine. He said he is worried. I again said no need, I am perfectly ok. 

He then emailed the company I work at. Told them to "check on me" because my "schizophrenia must be out of control". 

I still can't believe he did that. I went off on him, called him every bad name in the book, told him he is insane (ironic coming from a schizo) and blocked him. 

He is now creating new accounts to talk to me. He hasn't apologised, he is sending me random texts like "Hey how is your week starting?". I block every account without replying. He has created 16 new accounts as of now. 

I hope THIS time I will actually learn. I am taking accountability for allowing this (again), in a sense I am blaming him because he also should have known better, but I have no control over others. Guess I'm just mad in general. But my boundaries aren't irrelevant because I have schizophrenia. I am not a lunatic. I have made it this far, currently I am at peace, life is beautiful, when it ever gets tough, life will get beautiful again, this won't be the last time I feel the joy it brings. I manage my life perfectly fine, I work, I have a good job, I am in-touch with myself, aware of what I am. I guess I'm just not aware of what I'm not.

End of rant!

Edited by Negotaurus
Link to post
Share on other sites

I am so, so sorry for what he did to you. Calling your company isn't right, it wasn't his call to make. 

Blocking him all of his accounts is the right thing to do. If anything, he sounds like he needs professional help! Who has the time to create multiple accounts?! How do you even keep track!?

I hope you feel safe now. Do you have anyone in person you can talk to? Are you doing CBT?

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
45 minutes ago, Av3ry said:

I am so, so sorry for what he did to you. Calling your company isn't right, it wasn't his call to make. 

Blocking him all of his accounts is the right thing to do. If anything, he sounds like he needs professional help! Who has the time to create multiple accounts?! How do you even keep track!?

I hope you feel safe now. Do you have anyone in person you can talk to? Are you doing CBT?

I am pretty okay, thank you for asking! It was a disgusting experience but I think it actually helped me a lot. I have grown up and can clearly see all the times I have been exploited like this in the past. I just really hope I finally learn.

I have a great team around me, doctors, a therapist and a psychotherapist that specifically works with schizophrenics. I'm very lucky! Journaling is also a great tool, posting here and letting it all out was also very helpful. 

Oh and by the way, it's 21 accounts as of now! He probably doesn't think he is in need of help, he dated a therapist for a few years and now thinks he's a master-psychologist :)

Link to post
Share on other sites
17 hours ago, Negotaurus said:

I am pretty okay, thank you for asking! It was a disgusting experience but I think it actually helped me a lot. I have grown up and can clearly see all the times I have been exploited like this in the past. I just really hope I finally learn.

I have a great team around me, doctors, a therapist and a psychotherapist that specifically works with schizophrenics. I'm very lucky! Journaling is also a great tool, posting here and letting it all out was also very helpful. 

Oh and by the way, it's 21 accounts as of now! He probably doesn't think he is in need of help, he dated a therapist for a few years and now thinks he's a master-psychologist :)

I'm so happy that you're seeing a great team of professionals. It's so important hey. My best friend's brother is schizo - diagnosed at the age of 19 or 20 BUT he doesn't want to see anyone. His parents also couldn't force him to given that he's an adult. But from what I know, he's doing well. 

Journalling always helps! I do a lot of journalling since I was diagnosed with CPTSD, extreme anxiety and DID. Working through things, processing trauma and all is a lot of work but so worth it.

Geez! Have you reported him? Someone needs to take away his Internet privileges! Ah he's one of those who diagnose people and think they all need a psych, but not himself, hey?

Link to post
Share on other sites
×
×
  • Create New...