Breakup because of he/she is grieving

[CommanderCody799]

Hello, Im just curious, has anyone here experienced in a relationship where in their partner is going through grief and it affected your relationship which caused for a break up? Ive gone through the situation and I just want to see if there's any difference from what you would share with me to what I have actually done and if it would somehow have changed everything. Can you share your stories and the lessons you've learned from it? I would love to read and hear them. Thanks. 

Edited March 29, 2021 by CommanderCody799

[d0nnivain]

I had been dating a guy for a few years when his mother got sick.  I helped to take care of her but she eventually died.  He shut down for about a year.  I just stayed & love him.  Other issues broke us apart at the 10 year mark. 

I had been married for 3 years when my mother died.  I put a lot of my energy into propping up my grief stricken father.  My husband was OK with that because he liked my father.  When my father died 18 months later I was barely functional for 3 years but over that period from when mom died & for 3+ years after about 30 other people in my life died.  It was a really horrible time.  DH simply supported me, got a lot of take out, reminded me to take a shower, understood when I was too agoraphobic to go outside & encouraged me to go to therapy.   Most people would not have been so understanding.   

[CommanderCody799]

Damn, that's hard. I'm sorry to hear about those deaths in your life, it surely wasn't easy to cope. 

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I had been dating a guy for a few years when his mother got sick.  I helped to take care of her but she eventually died.  He shut down for about a year.  I just stayed & love him.  Other issues broke us apart at the 10 year mark.

Is alright to ask if what mainly broke you guys apart if it's not grief? Because in my situation, grief completely destroyed our relationship. I started to notice how slowly grief has been consuming her which resulted to break us off. I'm wondering if he had cut you out during his grieving process.

[d0nnivain]

1 hour ago, CommanderCody799 said:

Is alright to ask if what mainly broke you guys apart if it's not grief? 

We broke up 5 years after his mother died because he didn't "believe" in marriage.  Claims it's just a piece of paper.  He wanted us to go along living together forever.  I wanted more. He also said stupid garbage like only blood makes you family so even if we got married & had kids, the kids would be his family but I wouldn't.   Finally I gave up.  Ironically, if his mother was still alive at the time I started pushing for more, I firmly believe she would have whacked him upside the head & told him to marry me because he was being an idiot not marrying me & of course we were family.  

It worked out better in the long run.  About 4 years later I met my husband.  We are a much better match in temperament, in how we were raised, etc.  My EX is not a bad guy by any means.  He just wasn't my forever guy.   People talk about closure.  I got mine with respect to the EX while wedding planning with my husband.  We had a relatively easy time of it with no money struggles but it was still stressful.  I realized that even the relatively easy time DH & I had would have ripped me & the EX apart at the seams & we would not have had such an easy time because we would have disagreed about too much given our different cultural backgrounds.  So I'm very much at peace with how things worked out. 

Edited March 29, 2021 by d0nnivain

[robaday]

Yes its happened to me twice (I was the one grieving). The first time I was too weak to play a functional role in the relationship and was needy, jealous and controlling - she would never have been enough and understandably broke it off. It affected my sex drive too which further added to my depression.

The second time round I was much more functional and strong. However I was kinda the opposite - not emotionally available and not expressive of my feelings. That wasn't the only reason me and her failed - she often made my not sharing my grief about her and I felt that was unfair on me. Ultimately I ended the relationship because it wasn't helping me get through a very bad period and felt I needed to grieve on my own. 

Both of those relationships were only a year in length though. Perhaps if they had been longer relationships we would have pulled through. The last ex has been very supportive since the breakup and tried to get back together a fair few times. But for some reason my brain associates her with a very dark period in my life and I just want a fresh start. I think that is quite common with grieving people - it's not their partners that are the issue often. Just that you naturally run away from things that remind you of what you have lost (for instance if your partner was there throughout the grieving process). 

[CommanderCody799]

Thank you for sharing your story. I appreciate it and it somehow reminded me on what my ex had told me before also. 

On 3/31/2021 at 1:22 AM, robaday said:

That wasn't the only reason me and her failed - she often made my not sharing my grief about her and I felt that was unfair on me. Ultimately I ended the relationship because it wasn't helping me get through a very bad period and felt I needed to grieve on my own.

She said something similar like this to me back November (we're already broken up for 2 months). She told me that she felt unfair to me because somehow I was being strung along and to her problems. She also said that she wanted space because she needs to grieve on her own also. 

On 3/31/2021 at 1:22 AM, robaday said:

The last ex has been very supportive since the breakup and tried to get back together a fair few times. But for some reason my brain associates her with a very dark period in my life and I just want a fresh start.

I was very supportive of her also when she lost her dad and when I felt like she's slowly detaching from me, I felt anxious and had to tell her what I'm feeling. Funny thing is tho, when I told her that I feel like I'm not that as important to her as before, I teared up in front of her (which added more pressure to her) and later that day, we discussed via video call about our relationship and she ended it from there but we decided to work things out the following day. Would you say tho that your ex who was very supportive deserved so much more than what you were giving to her at the time? Did you regret breaking things off with her when you got to see on a clearer mind? 

 

Edited April 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[robaday]

How long were you with her?

"that I feel like I'm not that as important to her as before" - truth is you probably weren't and that's normal in a way. Grief really really messes with your mind and you are doing your best to navigate a world that no longer makes sense - you are grief stricken and the world around you is smiling and chatting amiably over cups of coffee. Its a process that takes time and for awhile you cant be the supportive partner you were. Is it fair on you? No it isn't. But I felt like she felt - it's enough to hold down a job, keep your health, keep your mental health in check during this already stressful pandemic without having to support a partner on top. 

No I know I was a decent partner to the ex was supportive, I broke it off because of arguments between us. She was very supportive AFTER I had broken off the relationship but I didn't really trust her intentions. Perhaps she knew she hadnt been a great partner so was trying to make up for it as a friend. 

 

 

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[CommanderCody799]

  

8 hours ago, robaday said:

How long were you with her?

It was a short one. We met last April 2020, became a couple on July, her dad died on August, we broke up on September, and we worked things out until December.

 

8 hours ago, robaday said:

Its a process that takes time and for awhile you cant be the supportive partner you were. Is it fair on you? No it isn't.

Yeah, she even told me she feels like she's not the same person who I once knew her. So it's the right thing to let go of the relationship and focused on myself instead no? 

8 hours ago, robaday said:

 

 

Edited April 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

@CommanderCody799  

You & this lady met at the height of the pandemic & have been together on & off through one of the worst times in modern history.  All the outside craziness probably had an effect on the foundation you were trying to build.  Then she had life changing deaths in her family.  Her connect to you did not yet have enough depth to withstand the outside forces.  

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[CommanderCody799]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

 

 

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You & this lady met at the height of the pandemic & have been together on & off through one of the worst times in modern history.  All the outside craziness probably had an effect on the foundation you were trying to build.  Then she had life changing deaths in her family.  Her connect to you did not yet have enough depth to withstand the outside forces

Yeah. And I dont think that even if our foundation is strong, things wouldve worked out between us because there are certain people who reacts with grief by letting go of a relationship and she is one of them. There are people who seeks support from friends and s/o but a lot of grievers sees relationship as a pressure and cant handle them. 

Edited April 1, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[d0nnivain]

26 minutes ago, CommanderCody799 said:

. There are people who seeks support from friends and s/o but a lot of grievers sees relationship as a pressure and cant handle them. 

Unfortunately for you in this scenario that is true.  At least for me it's not so much that the relationship is pressure but when you are that quagmired in grief you can't hold up your end of the relationship.  You are so sad you don't want to go out & have a good time.  Your tank is so empty you can't be there to give support to a partner about the daily life trials & tribulations.  In short the obligations of being a good SO are simply too much on top of the grief.  

Although It's not you, it's me is a cliché, here her decision to pull back genuinely had nothing to do with you & everything to do with her & the timing.   

[CommanderCody799]

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

At least for me it's not so much that the relationship is pressure but when you are that quagmired in grief you can't hold up your end of the relationship.

Yeah, thats one of the reasons she broke up with me because she told me she cant meet me halfway. 

16 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Although It's not you, it's me is a cliché, here her decision to pull back genuinely had nothing to do with you & everything to do with her & the timing.

As much as I wanted the relationship to work, its really difficult to do so since I have no experience on how to support a grieving partner and it was my first real relationship. Everything was just overwhelming that it's really something I cant control. 

 

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[d0nnivain]

15 minutes ago, CommanderCody799 said:

I have no experience on how to support a grieving partner and it was my first real relationship. Everything was just overwhelming that it's really something I cant control. 

It's unfortunate that this was your 1st real relationship because it came at such a difficult time in history.  The world is in chaos with all the lockdowns & the death & the fear, not to mention all the polarization.  

You support a partner sometimes by just being there but the support is different depending on the relationship.  In my 1st example from my own life, that guy & I had been together for 5 years, living together for 4, when his mom died.   During that time I sat with his mom when she nursed her own dying mother and I grieved with her when her mother died.  When she (my BF's mom) got sick 18 months earlier I was one of her caregivers.  We had an intimate mother - daughter like dynamic that developed as I changed her bandages & helped her dress.  I picked out the outfit she was buried in.  I was not removed from the grief.  

My husband & I were already married when I went into my grief depression.  We had vows holding us together so it was easier for me to rely on him.  If he had been a short term BF. like you were to your EX, I would have pushed him away.  The only reason I didn't is because he was my husband & I couldn't. I did offer to let him divorce me because I was useless.  He also just let me be, even when that meant I spent months on the couch or in bed, not going to work.  A BF/GF needs more.  You have to nurture a relationship but when you don't have the wherewithal to do that, releasing a BF/GF is the best, nicest thing you can do.  

Your take away from all this needs to be that you are a good guy & a decent human being.  Carry those wonderful qualities into your next relationship. 

[primer]

A relationship I was in for nearly ten years ended shortly (seven months) after his father passed away from COPD. My ex was depressed or something but he refused to get help. He took it out on me - always criticizing and picking fights. He told me I didn't know what it was like to lose a parent, when in fact I had lost my mother. 

Over the years I witnessed how everybody grieves differently. When a man is nearly 80, has COPD, and smokes, I don't expect him to last forever. In fact, I expect any elderly person to be nearing death. It could happen to anybody. I have been told I am a realist.

So, the answer to your question is yes. My partner was grieving, refused to get help, and we broke up. (To be fair, there were other issues too but his father's death contributed to the break up.) He just wasn't right in the head after his dad died.

 

 

[Thunder27]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

It's unfortunate that this was your 1st real relationship because it came at such a difficult time in history.  The world is in chaos with all the lockdowns & the death & the fear, not to mention all the polarization. 

Same thing happened to me: first relationship (and it was serious too, we were making plans to move out together) during covid, her grandfather was sick (and living with them with dementia) and slowly dying the entire relationship (5 months). We had to go LDR, and she broke up with me a week before he died. Still love her like crazy. She told me I would always be welcome in her home for everything I did for them, but things are just awkward between us now.

On 3/31/2021 at 3:22 AM, robaday said:

But for some reason my brain associates her with a very dark period in my life and I just want a fresh start.

This depresses me. I'm always sad to think about how sad our relationship was, and I know it would never work again because both of us have so many bad memories. It really does feel like a tragedy.

Edited April 1, 2021 by Thunder27

[Thunder27]

5 hours ago, primer said:

So, the answer to your question is yes. My partner was grieving, refused to get help, and we broke up. (To be fair, there were other issues too but his father's death contributed to the break up.) He just wasn't right in the head after his dad died.

I'm talking to someone who experienced this with her ex as well. Death of his mother messed him up pretty bad, she had to break up with him. He was supposed to go to therapy but just stopped. She had to deal with grief in her own family, but he refused to support her saying he couldn't, so she basically had to be the support while numbing herself to her own situation.

[Thunder27]

5 hours ago, primer said:

Over the years I witnessed how everybody grieves differently. When a man is nearly 80, has COPD, and smokes, I don't expect him to last forever. In fact, I expect any elderly person to be nearing death. It could happen to anybody. I have been told I am a realist.

Sorry for replying separately, but I feel the same. In every scenario of death in my life, they were already dying and its something I had no trouble coming to terms with. I've never grieved a death, and I was totally taken aback by how my ex was dealing with it, she was really scared. I listened to her cry and then tell me it was making her feel worse, and she just stopped making any effort to even pretend she still loved me.

[CommanderCody799]

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

You support a partner sometimes by just being there but the support is different depending on the relationship.

I did support her, in fact, all I knew back then on how to support a grieving partner was to be there for them - that your presence can mean a lot. Unfortunately, I didn't know that it's going to be more complicated than that. 

 

10 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Your take away from all this needs to be that you are a good guy & a decent human being.  Carry those wonderful qualities into your next relationship

Experiencing grief in a relationship is probably the hardest lesson I have learned in dating so far in my life. Despite the mistakes I've done, I've learned a whole lot more about myself - where I was lacking and where I was too overwhelming. At the start, I was convinced that this girl was the person I'm going to build a future with but obviously life just wanted to teach me a lesson. 

You can look up my story on google, it's called " Relationship ended due to that she lost her father" in grief healing discussions. I hope you could read it and share your insights to me. I'm curious to hear what you have to say.

[Wiseman2]

A death in the family can change a lot of dynamics as well as unearth a lot of things.

If a relationship is new or not too good in the first place, it will be the first thing jettisoned.

That's because whenever there is an emotional tsunami such as a death in the family, the least valuable thing needs to get thrown overboard to survive.

[Fletch Lives]

Greif is a funny thing........there is no rule.........it can bring people together or push them away.

 

My Friend who looks like Meg Ryan, her mother is in the hospital and she sees her everyday, poor Meg is very sad. And, she's stressed and very busy. Yet, she still wants to get together for dinner.

[WWYD]

This topic is a little raw for me! I ended a 3-year relationship fairly recently as a result of this. Lost my mum last year and at a time when I needed support and understanding, all I got was paranoia and suspicion. I knew she had been cheated on in at least one previous relationship, and I tried to take that into account - but she went way beyond what was reasonable. I think that actually affected me more (mentally) than the grief did. 

 

Such a shame, we had a pretty good relationship until that all happened. I still have a lot of admiration for her better qualities, and would've been happy if we could've remained on good terms - but her behaviour since has only served to vindicate my decision to move on.

[BaileyB]

I didn’t date for two years after my mom became ill and passed away. It would not have been fair to anyone, I had absolutely nothing to give. 

[BaileyB]

3 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

A death in the family can change a lot of dynamics as well as unearth a lot of things.

This is it. There is the grief, and then there is the fact that everyone must adjust. If others are having difficulty dealing with their grief, that makes things more complicated. So many reasons why someone who is grieving is not able to give to a relationship...