I've lost ALL trust in my girlfriend.

[grazemiano]

I've been in a relationship with someone for 1.5 years now. I'm at a point of no return when It comes to trust, It hurts to even write this but - I do not trust her anymore. We first got together in September 2019, she lives in Belgium and I live in the UK. This story of how trust has been destroyed for me has a few layers to it, so, here goes. Lets call my girlfriend Molly for the sake of the story.

PART 1

In October of 2019 we went to a huge party together and it was my first time visiting Belgium, before we went to this part we met at a friend's house where she introduced me to everyone she knew and I met some good people, apart from one. This one guy approached me without even saying hello, introducing himself or anything polite for that matter, lets call him Nick. Anyway, Nick storms across the room and the conversation went like this - 

Nick: You're Molly's boyfriend?!

Me: Yeah I am, I'm XXX what's your name?

Nick: ... You are VERY lucky, I wish I had someone like her, or her for that matter

Me: Okay.

Nick: Good to meet you bro

And he walked away without saying a word. Molly walked over to me after she had been smoking and asked if he bothered me, which I said no but he's an idiot. Which she said 'Yeah the guy's a creep, he just told me I was amazing and walked away'. Anyway, when we are at the party, Nick keeps waiting until Molly is alone or away from me and walks over to her trying to talk to her subtly which she talks to him in general laughing at what he's saying almost flirting. Which was a little frustrating, but we had been together for a month so I didn't want to make an issue out of it. 

PART 2

Its February 2020, the pandemic is about to hit Europe like a tonne of bricks, and we're in Belgium together about to watch a movie with Molly and her roommates, the room is pitch black as we're about to watch a movie on a projector. I landed there at 8am and went to meet her at her place as she had been out drinking the night before with friends. She told me during the night by text that 'My friend's, friends are asking about me but I've told her to them that I'm with someone and that I'm in love' and then she told me that she danced with Nick because everyone else at their party was in couples. Which annoyed me but I could not change anything about it. Anyway, back to the movie - I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water while the movie started, both my phone and hers are on the kitchen counter next to each other. I hear a loud vibrate and see one of our phones light up, so I walk over to see that its actually her phone that lit up, its a text from Nick that said 'Would you like to meet up again? :)' ..... Obviously my immediate reaction is shock and confusion, but I decided to hold back and try to watch the movie and think through what to do next. I didn't watch the movie, I couldn't stop thinking about that text. We were about to go to bed, and she left her phone on the bed as she went out to smoke and then clean up before bed. Her phone lit up once again - It was him, again and he said 'We can go for a drink or something?' and I couldn't help myself, I did something that was out of character, against my better judgement and something I would advise anyone else not to do - I looked through her phone. They had been flirting over text the only messages I saw were - 'I think it was obvious we we're attracted to each other' from Molly! and she also text him back saying 'Yes, what would you like to do? :)' in reply to his first text! While I was sitting next to her watching a movie, she text another guy back... I started to scroll and saw they had been messaging for a while but I started to feel dizzy and I had a panic attack. When she came back to the room she noticed I wasn't okay and I asked her who Nick is, she said 'I knew you were going to ask me that' and she explained that she just danced with him because there was no one else around to talk to who wasn't in a couple already, and I said I think that more happened than that. She said that 'He tried to kiss me' and I said that she had conveniently not told me that until now, which she defended herself and tried to guilt trip me into the idea that i don't trust her. I chose not to mention the texts at this point...

PART 3

The pandemic hits Europe and It meant I had to fly home 2 weeks earlier than I planned, but with my flight cancelled I had to take a bus to London from Brussels and then a train to the north of England. We knew I had to go, but I wasn't ready. Molly's attitude was cold, distant and careless about me having to go early, it was like she couldn't wait to see the back of me. She even pat me on the back at one point and said 'You need to leave' which I did. I got on the bus, I hated the fact that I had to leave and take such a long route to get home, also the fact that I never got the chance to ask about Nick. So I did, on the way back to London I asked about him, I started with 'Who is Nick and what's going on with you two' She said there was nothing, which got me more curious. I asked if they were Facebook friends and she said yes and I asked if they had talked over messenger and she said... 'No we haven't, he only added me as a friend he never text me' so this is when I broke down. I told her that I knew they had been texting because I saw it, once again... I get the guilt trip about trust and that she feels betrayed. I told her that we have a long way to go when It comes to trust. When I get home I spend 3 months alone working from home in the pandemic, which was really hard, it was for everyone especially in the beginning. I was left wondering about her and Nick and what they were doing with each other.

PART 4

It's May time, the boarders of the UK are still open in the pandemic. She agrees to come to the UK and travels a long way to get to me, she spends 6 weeks with me. During these 6 weeks we grew stronger and built on our relationships strength got to know each other better and just had fund. This is the bad part of the story - Her phone started lighting up like a Christmas tree and she went out to smoke again. It took so much inner strength to not look at her phone, she came back from her smoke break and went onto a work call for an hour. Her phone was sitting there lighting up even more - It was a message from a new guy.... Phil... I couldn't help myself, the trust was gone now. The message said 'I think we get along really well and I'd love to meet sometime :)'.... You can imagine how freaked out and how betrayed I felt. Honestly I didn't want her im my apartment, I wanted her gone at that point. So looking at the rest of the messages I saw that it was a guy that she had started talking to from tinder... during the 3 months we were apart. She came back from her work meeting and I asked her to sit down for a minute and explained everything to her and admitted I had seen her phone. She guilt tripped me again, but denied it was her tinder and that it was her friends tinder account (Lie). I felt guiltly and I spent the next year, although it was a good year with her going on vacation and living with each other taking it in turns between the UK and Belgium. But I was left trying to get over the guilt of violating her privacy, but still with the question mark over my head of 'Why was she cheating, why did this happen?' 

PART 5

Its January 2021, the second lockdown hits the UK and my plan to return to Belgium on December 29th for the new year fails as the boarders of Europe and the UK close until further notice. Its also fast approaching one year since the first incident since I saw the text with her and Nick and Phil. I still had questions on my mind so I asked her straight up - Why did this happen? What was really going on? because this keeps me up at night and I never got answers. She admits it - She said that she was confused about me, our relationship and our future at the time and that she was scared. She also tried to pass the blamed away from herself saying that she was peer pressured into getting a tinder account, but I reminded her that this was her decision, she kept me in the dark no matter how long ago it was and that she lied. Which does no good for trust between us. 

PART 6 (END)

Fast forward to 23rd of March this year, I'm working from home in the UK as normal and its around 10am. I've had my coffee and I'm just getting into my work. I suddenly get 4 quick fire messages back to back from someone I haven't heard from in years, saying that he needs to talk to me over zoom urgently. I trust this person and I consider him a friend, so I join the call and the first two questions he asks me are - Are you and Molly still together? and Where is Molly right now? Which we are still together and she's in Brussels right now. He sighed loudly and put his head in his hands, he shows me his phone and there's a picture of molly on it, on a tinder account... He asked me 'Is this her?' which I said yes, he then scrolls through two other pictures and asks me these are both her as well. It's her, there's no doubt about it. He then tells me the painful words 'I'm really sorry mate, but it looks like she's on tinder' operating under the name 'M' instead of her actual name. I said I didn't believe him, which was denial. So he asked me where she lived exactly, I told him. Incase anyone doesn't know how tinder works, it bases your position off of your phones location. You cannot physically change where you are on the app, but you can change where you look. For example if I'm in London I can look within 3 mile radius of Manchester city centre. He changed the location to exactly where she lives, put the radius of the search too 'less than one mile' and put her age, he pressed search and she showed up right away. She was the first person to show up. Which I made me feel sick to my stomach. I still didn't want to believe it. He told me that if I didn't believe him then to do it myself, so I downloaded the app, made a fake account and followed the same instructions. She showed up right away. I thanked my friend and decided that I wasn't going to wait a year this time, I took screen shots and sent it to Molly, I asked what the hell she was doing on Tinder. She denies it, to the very end which I tell her that I don't believe. She then tries to sell me on the story that she already knew about the account and her friend told her about it and someone is impersonating her but she reported the account. But this is the first time I'm hearing about this, when we tell each other everything. I explain to her that I know she's lying because of how I found out, and the fact that its either her and she's lying or that its someone else who is stealing her identity and they are less than one mile from her. What does she do? She tries the guilt trip again and tries to make out that I don't trust her and that it's hurting our relationship, which I tell her that she's damn straight, it's hurting our relationship. I ask her that if it's not her then who is it, she said that 'Its obviously someone who wants to do harm to me, but what can I do? I'm not the first one that this happened to' how, just how on earth can you be okay with the idea that someone has stole your identity and is using it on a dating app. Anyone that's reading this, don't worry I'm not that delusional, I know she's lying. My friend even followed up with me later that night and said that her tinder profile has now magically disappeared. How convenient. She tells me that 'Despite you saying its me 100%, I say no. Its not about what you've seen this is about trust and you don't trust me' which is a lie. Trust has is a part of it sure, but the fact is that it's either her or someone else, and the fact that this profile has disappeared is too convenient for me. She says that she swears it's not her. But deep down I know she is lying.

Please, people of Love shack, tell me your opinions on my story so far. I don't know where else to turn, what would you do in this situation? at the moment I told her to take a few days to herself and really think about the truth and honesty, and to come back to me at the weekend. 

[grazemiano]

I've been in a relationship with someone for 1.5 years now. I'm at a point of no return when It comes to trust, It hurts to even write this but - I do not trust her anymore. We first got together in September 2019, she lives in Belgium and I live in the UK. This story of how trust has been destroyed for me has a few layers to it, so, here goes. Lets call my girlfriend Molly for the sake of the story.

PART 1

In October of 2019 we went to a huge party together and it was my first time visiting Belgium, before we went to this part we met at a friend's house where she introduced me to everyone she knew and I met some good people, apart from one. This one guy approached me without even saying hello, introducing himself or anything polite for that matter, lets call him Nick. Anyway, Nick storms across the room and the conversation went like this - 

Nick: You're Molly's boyfriend?!

Me: Yeah I am, I'm XXX what's your name?

Nick: ... You are VERY lucky, I wish I had someone like her, or her for that matter

Me: Okay.

Nick: Good to meet you bro

And he walked away without saying a word. Molly walked over to me after she had been smoking and asked if he bothered me, which I said no but he's an idiot. Which she said 'Yeah the guy's a creep, he just told me I was amazing and walked away'. Anyway, when we are at the party, Nick keeps waiting until Molly is alone or away from me and walks over to her trying to talk to her subtly which she talks to him in general laughing at what he's saying almost flirting. Which was a little frustrating, but we had been together for a month so I didn't want to make an issue out of it. 

PART 2

Its February 2020, the pandemic is about to hit Europe like a tonne of bricks, and we're in Belgium together about to watch a movie with Molly and her roommates, the room is pitch black as we're about to watch a movie on a projector. I landed there at 8am and went to meet her at her place as she had been out drinking the night before with friends. She told me during the night by text that 'My friend's, friends are asking about me but I've told her to them that I'm with someone and that I'm in love' and then she told me that she danced with Nick because everyone else at their party was in couples. Which annoyed me but I could not change anything about it. Anyway, back to the movie - I went into the kitchen to get a drink of water while the movie started, both my phone and hers are on the kitchen counter next to each other. I hear a loud vibrate and see one of our phones light up, so I walk over to see that its actually her phone that lit up, its a text from Nick that said 'Would you like to meet up again? :)' ..... Obviously my immediate reaction is shock and confusion, but I decided to hold back and try to watch the movie and think through what to do next. I didn't watch the movie, I couldn't stop thinking about that text. We were about to go to bed, and she left her phone on the bed as she went out to smoke and then clean up before bed. Her phone lit up once again - It was him, again and he said 'We can go for a drink or something?' and I couldn't help myself, I did something that was out of character, against my better judgement and something I would advise anyone else not to do - I looked through her phone. They had been flirting over text the only messages I saw were - 'I think it was obvious we we're attracted to each other' from Molly! and she also text him back saying 'Yes, what would you like to do? :)' in reply to his first text! While I was sitting next to her watching a movie, she text another guy back... I started to scroll and saw they had been messaging for a while but I started to feel dizzy and I had a panic attack. When she came back to the room she noticed I wasn't okay and I asked her who Nick is, she said 'I knew you were going to ask me that' and she explained that she just danced with him because there was no one else around to talk to who wasn't in a couple already, and I said I think that more happened than that. She said that 'He tried to kiss me' and I said that she had conveniently not told me that until now, which she defended herself and tried to guilt trip me into the idea that i don't trust her. I chose not to mention the texts at this point...

PART 3

The pandemic hits Europe and It meant I had to fly home 2 weeks earlier than I planned, but with my flight cancelled I had to take a bus to London from Brussels and then a train to the north of England. We knew I had to go, but I wasn't ready. Molly's attitude was cold, distant and careless about me having to go early, it was like she couldn't wait to see the back of me. She even pat me on the back at one point and said 'You need to leave' which I did. I got on the bus, I hated the fact that I had to leave and take such a long route to get home, also the fact that I never got the chance to ask about Nick. So I did, on the way back to London I asked about him, I started with 'Who is Nick and what's going on with you two' She said there was nothing, which got me more curious. I asked if they were Facebook friends and she said yes and I asked if they had talked over messenger and she said... 'No we haven't, he only added me as a friend he never text me' so this is when I broke down. I told her that I knew they had been texting because I saw it, once again... I get the guilt trip about trust and that she feels betrayed. I told her that we have a long way to go when It comes to trust. When I get home I spend 3 months alone working from home in the pandemic, which was really hard, it was for everyone especially in the beginning. I was left wondering about her and Nick and what they were doing with each other.

PART 4

It's May time, the boarders of the UK are still open in the pandemic. She agrees to come to the UK and travels a long way to get to me, she spends 6 weeks with me. During these 6 weeks we grew stronger and built on our relationships strength got to know each other better and just had fund. This is the bad part of the story - Her phone started lighting up like a Christmas tree and she went out to smoke again. It took so much inner strength to not look at her phone, she came back from her smoke break and went onto a work call for an hour. Her phone was sitting there lighting up even more - It was a message from a new guy.... Phil... I couldn't help myself, the trust was gone now. The message said 'I think we get along really well and I'd love to meet sometime :)'.... You can imagine how freaked out and how betrayed I felt. Honestly I didn't want her im my apartment, I wanted her gone at that point. So looking at the rest of the messages I saw that it was a guy that she had started talking to from tinder... during the 3 months we were apart. She came back from her work meeting and I asked her to sit down for a minute and explained everything to her and admitted I had seen her phone. She guilt tripped me again, but denied it was her tinder and that it was her friends tinder account (Lie). I felt guiltly and I spent the next year, although it was a good year with her going on vacation and living with each other taking it in turns between the UK and Belgium. But I was left trying to get over the guilt of violating her privacy, but still with the question mark over my head of 'Why was she cheating, why did this happen?' 

PART 5

Its January 2021, the second lockdown hits the UK and my plan to return to Belgium on December 29th for the new year fails as the boarders of Europe and the UK close until further notice. Its also fast approaching one year since the first incident since I saw the text with her and Nick and Phil. I still had questions on my mind so I asked her straight up - Why did this happen? What was really going on? because this keeps me up at night and I never got answers. She admits it - She said that she was confused about me, our relationship and our future at the time and that she was scared. She also tried to pass the blamed away from herself saying that she was peer pressured into getting a tinder account, but I reminded her that this was her decision, she kept me in the dark no matter how long ago it was and that she lied. Which does no good for trust between us. 

PART 6 (END)

Fast forward to 23rd of March this year, I'm working from home in the UK as normal and its around 10am. I've had my coffee and I'm just getting into my work. I suddenly get 4 quick fire messages back to back from someone I haven't heard from in years, saying that he needs to talk to me over zoom urgently. I trust this person and I consider him a friend, so I join the call and the first two questions he asks me are - Are you and Molly still together? and Where is Molly right now? Which we are still together and she's in Brussels right now. He sighed loudly and put his head in his hands, he shows me his phone and there's a picture of molly on it, on a tinder account... He asked me 'Is this her?' which I said yes, he then scrolls through two other pictures and asks me these are both her as well. It's her, there's no doubt about it. He then tells me the painful words 'I'm really sorry mate, but it looks like she's on tinder' operating under the name 'M' instead of her actual name. I said I didn't believe him, which was denial. So he asked me where she lived exactly, I told him. Incase anyone doesn't know how tinder works, it bases your position off of your phones location. You cannot physically change where you are on the app, but you can change where you look. For example if I'm in London I can look within 3 mile radius of Manchester city centre. He changed the location to exactly where she lives, put the radius of the search too 'less than one mile' and put her age, he pressed search and she showed up right away. She was the first person to show up. Which I made me feel sick to my stomach. I still didn't want to believe it. He told me that if I didn't believe him then to do it myself, so I downloaded the app, made a fake account and followed the same instructions. She showed up right away. I thanked my friend and decided that I wasn't going to wait a year this time, I took screen shots and sent it to Molly, I asked what the hell she was doing on Tinder. She denies it, to the very end which I tell her that I don't believe. She then tries to sell me on the story that she already knew about the account and her friend told her about it and someone is impersonating her but she reported the account. But this is the first time I'm hearing about this, when we tell each other everything. I explain to her that I know she's lying because of how I found out, and the fact that its either her and she's lying or that its someone else who is stealing her identity and they are less than one mile from her. What does she do? She tries the guilt trip again and tries to make out that I don't trust her and that it's hurting our relationship, which I tell her that she's damn straight, it's hurting our relationship. I ask her that if it's not her then who is it, she said that 'Its obviously someone who wants to do harm to me, but what can I do? I'm not the first one that this happened to' how, just how on earth can you be okay with the idea that someone has stole your identity and is using it on a dating app. Anyone that's reading this, don't worry I'm not that delusional, I know she's lying. My friend even followed up with me later that night and said that her tinder profile has now magically disappeared. How convenient. She tells me that 'Despite you saying its me 100%, I say no. Its not about what you've seen this is about trust and you don't trust me' which is a lie. Trust has is a part of it sure, but the fact is that it's either her or someone else, and the fact that this profile has disappeared is too convenient for me. She says that she swears it's not her. But deep down I know she is lying.

 

What do you all think? What is your opinion and if you were in my shoes what would you think and/or do next?

[d0nnivain]

When you have an LDR you need a great deal of trust.  For Molly you are out of sight, out of mind.  She has zero interest in being faithful to you.  She likes attention from men:  Nick, Phil & all the blokes on Tinder. 

There is no need to give her time to think.  She's been lying to you & playing you for a fool for some time now.  The only Q is why are you not just breaking up with the little hussy?  She's not going to change & you will never trust her again.  Without trust there is no point in continuing.  

[Keridan]

I would get the hell away from her, bud. 

This is serial cheating and lying behavior and will never end well for you. 

If you can catch a woman that draws this much attention, you can find one who makes you happy and comfortable instead.

Block everything, don't speak to her, just let it be over. I'm sorry, it's blunt, but you should never have questions like this. I've been married to a beautiful woman for over 12 years and we are breaking up, but not once did I ever have reason to distrust her and she draws plenty of attention. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, grazemiano said:

What do you think? If you were in my shoes, considering history and everything in this, what would you think and/or do next?

Dump her and never look back. 

She's not invested in you and never really has been. You can keep trying to convince yourself this isn't true, but the proof is in the pudding. It's pointless to continue this relationship. 

[BaileyB]

Nobody saying you need to date this woman. I’m sure there is someone you can find if you open yourself to the possibility.