Caregiver burnout at only 28 years old

[CalipsoRose]

I have been a caregiver for my dad since I was 12 years old. He started getting severely sick with chronic debilitating health issues when I was 8 years old but 12 was when I really took on the caregiver role. My mother left us so it was just me and him, and still is just me and him. I am now 28. His biggest health issue is his spine, he has degenerative spine disease which makes walking difficult for him. He is still able to walk but uses a cane. His pain is unmanageable after getting off tons of pain meds because they made him feel "out of it" all the time. He was constantly laying in bed throughout my childhood, often in a pain medication daze. But he is the sweetest dad ever, a heart of gold kind of person.

Anyway, I do everything for him in terms of food, groceries, cleaning, house duties, errands, taking him to the doctors, driving him places, literally everything other than helping him shower or use the bathroom which thankfully he can still do for himself. He refuses to learn how to use a computer or text which has been hard for me when it comes to giving him any independence so that it can help take some of the weight off my shoulders. He is 75 years old and doesn't understand that you cannot have an argument with a robot recording on the phone. Its frustrating. Ive tried many times to get him to learn but he won't do it.

I am honestly experiencing severe caretaker burnout. My life has been on hold throughout my 20s. I feel like I am so burnt out that I no longer want children because my emotional tank is on empty. I have been caring for him my entire life with no support from anyone. I get frustrated and snap at him easily now. It makes me feel so guilty. Its because I KNOW he is more capable than he lets on, he has just gotten so used to relying on me to do everything for him that he doesn't even try to figure anything out on his own. He didn't even want to go to the doctors to get his pain managed, I had to push him to do that. 

I'm wiped out. I feel like the roles have reversed. I am the mother and he is the child now. I am building resentment because I know he can help me and do things for himself or find out how to call so-and-so, or how to do a simple task or x-y and z but he shouts for me to do it instead. And if I don't do it immediately, he pesters me constantly until it gets done when he could have done it too. 

Please give me tips on how to manage this burnout and resentment. Also, how can I get him to rely on me less? It feels very codependent. 

Edited March 30, 2021 by CalipsoRose

[basil67]

Big hugs CalipsoRose.  Carer burnout is a real thing. 

The only way you can have him rely on you less is to have him rely on others more.   Have you connected with carer advocacy groups to see what options may be available to you in terms of respite?    What is his financial situation?  Is he able to afford community nurses to come and assist?   Or, if money is tight, is downsizing an option?  

Alternately, if he's on the breadline, does he qualify for support from social services?   

Last option being putting him in a nursing home.  If you really are this worn out, perhaps it's the best option for you both.

I know he's probably going to resist having to change, but when you make up your mind, stand firm. It's OK to look after yourself.

[ShyViolet]

Is there any way you could get another caregiver for him?  Or honestly, even put him in a nursing home?  I don't know where you live but does your city/state/country provide services for people who need caregiving?  You should look into that.  You shouldn't have to do this all yourself.