FudgeSwirl Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 About a couple of months before lockdown I started a great relationship but a few months into lockdown I had sought advice on here because my SO and I started to see each other less because he became a bit of a workaholic. He even stopped seeing his friends and seldom saw his family anymore. Even though his overtime was voluntary I was very understanding at first of how covid has affected everybody's jobs but took everybody's advice and had a talk with him. He was very responsive and agreed that letting more than even a week go by before seeing each other was wrong. At this point I even asked if he did not want to see me because he did not have time for a relationship anymore or for whatever other reason and he insisted neither was the case. For a few months we were seeing each other weekly minus one skipped week a couple of times until December when he started to let large gaps of time go by before we saw each other. The last time we saw each other was early January where I basically told him that this was unacceptable in a relationship. He apologized saying he felt horrible and that he didn't at all want to lose me. He promised we would at least see each other once a week but that never happened. I stopped making plans and he never made any. However in spite of all this he still keeps in touch with me most days via text. Some days he will be flirty and call me "baby" but most of our texts are just normal conversation tidbits and his occasional vents about his job. When my birthday passed he didn't wish me a happy birthday though I suspect he forgot the date anyway and when Valentine's Day rolled around he did not take that as an opportunity to rekindle anything. I have never been in this situation before where there was no official break-up and that things were on good terms. He and I never fought but at the same time I feel like our relationship never got to develop normally after the gaps of not seeing each other. We never said I love you to each other. A couple of my friends said the reason why he is satisfied with a texting relationship is in case anything does rekindle down the line. One of them even went farther to say that she suspects he doesn't receive the caring interactions I give him (concern for his well-being, being a good listener, etc.) from anyone else in his life which sadly is likely true. I do not think there is anything wrong with people reheating an old relationship down the line but for now I have emotionally moved on and am ready to see what's out there especially with restrictions here having been lifted to meet people again. Even though he texts me often and as I said is sometimes flirty it is clear he has the same mindset as each time I have logged into my elected dating website when I decided I was ready recently his profile has been active. I was just curious about others' perspectives on this and the concept of a texting relationship. Link to post Share on other sites
Highndry Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 A texting relationship sounds like the most dreadful situation I can imagine. I HATE TEXTING. I think it's time to say goodbye and find somebody else. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 How long have you been dating? Are you exclusive? No one is " too busy" for what's important to them. Stop allowing the texting. Just don't reply. It seems he's tiptoeing out of the relationship or getting lazy/complacent or...has his eye on someone else. Do not enable this texting nonsense when someone is giving you the busy signal. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 30, 2021 Share Posted March 30, 2021 It's not working for you. You told him your expectations. He promised to meet them then repeatedly broke his promise. Be done. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FudgeSwirl Posted March 31, 2021 Author Share Posted March 31, 2021 Thanks so much for the feedback, everybody! I haven't heard from him in a couple of days but when he does text me next I am just going to start to ignore them. @Wiseman2, we started dating in February 2020 and were exclusive. He actually was the one that broached the subject of being exclusive first. Since he clearly does not want a real relationship with me I do not understand his logic of staying in contact with me and even more so since in the past I gave him the opportunity to be honest upfront with no hard feelings. Instead he acted appalled apologizing profusely and insisting he did not want to lost me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 I would not ignore him. Instead, I would use my words and tell him this isn't working for you and it's time to go your separate ways. Then, you can put this behind you. He doesn't want what you want, so I would make a clean break. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 6 hours ago, FudgeSwirl said: I do not understand his logic of staying in contact with me Because there is no logic. Frankly he's being a jerk, so it's fine to just free yourself from this nonsense and end it. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Watercolors Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 On 3/30/2021 at 2:31 AM, Highndry said: A texting relationship sounds like the most dreadful situation I can imagine. I HATE TEXTING. I think it's time to say goodbye and find somebody else. Same here. I HATE TEXTING too. In fact, I ignore texts right now from everyone. I only call people back. I refuse to text. Sounds like you are enabling your boyfriend's texting behavior OP because you are long distance. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FudgeSwirl Posted April 1, 2021 Author Share Posted April 1, 2021 @Wiseman2 I am not new to dating of course but I am a divorcee who started dating again a couple of years ago and things with the other two men I was with were not at all like how this relationship ended. Therefore I was seeking logic to maybe learn something out of this but I feel better from your comment knowing that I do not have to analyze this for any logic. @ExpatInItaly Thank you so much for your advice! What was so frustrating with him was having to make myself clear all the time and he would just agree with me, apologize, and promise things would get better because he couldn't imagine not being with me. If it weren't for covid after the first round of him letting our time together lapse I would have ended things much sooner. 😔 @Watercolors I prefer either a phone call too or face to face conversation over texting. We live about 40 minutes away from one another. You are right that I allowed his behavior as texting became easier for us to communicate when he started to work excessively and I believed his promise that this was all temporary. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 1 hour ago, FudgeSwirl said: @Wiseman2 I feel better from your comment knowing that I do not have to analyze this for any logic. @ExpatInItaly 😔 @Watercolors Exactly. Think about it. "Texting relationship". That phrase in itself is an oxymoron. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 (edited) Hey Fudgeswirl, When a person is interested in you, you feel the love and the forward momentum. But when a person is uninterested or uninvested, you feel distance. They make choices that leave you feeling confused and alone and neglected. You feel the breaks being applied and yourself trying harder and harder to hold the relationship together, with no positive result. The general momentum that was once there just slowed down and grinded to a halt. You talked to him a few times and gave him the benefit of the doubt which was a reasonable thing to do, but despite his claim to feeling bad and promising to do better..nothing changed did it? It's not you. It's him. Look at your title; "Texting Relationship." Reread your own post and look some of the things you wrote: Quote When my birthday passed he didn't wish me a happy birthday though I suspect he forgot the date anyway and when Valentine's Day rolled around he did not take that as an opportunity to rekindle anything. Don't waste your own time and energy on this person. It's not being dramatic to say you gave him a chance at your heart, and he was irresponsible with it, and now you feel this way because of it. Be real careful about giving him a second chance. - Beach Edited April 2, 2021 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
kendahke Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 (edited) On 3/29/2021 at 11:52 PM, FudgeSwirl said: Even though he texts me often and as I said is sometimes flirty it is clear he has the same mindset as each time I have logged into my elected dating website when I decided I was ready recently his profile has been active. Block his number, block him on the dating site and delete his number and move on. He's been wasting your time for over a year---and you can never get that time back. Don't make it two. And don't announce to him that you are doing it. Just do it and let him take the "why's" to his grave. He gave up the right to an explanation. If he felt you were worth his time, you'd know that like you know your name right now. Edited April 2, 2021 by kendahke 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FudgeSwirl Posted April 2, 2021 Author Share Posted April 2, 2021 @Wiseman2 Oxymoron is a very clever word for the phrase. @Beachead Thanks so much for your feedback. All the feelings you mentioned were how I absolutely felt when this first happened and you described the whole momentum thing perfectly because even for me the first disruption in spite of giving him the benefit of the doubt made me feel like in a way emotionally I was almost starting over emotionally. That's why I never said I love you once - that dip in momentum made me not feel close to it anymore. I appreciate you saying it isn't me. I definitely wouldn't give him a second chance. @kendahke Thank you very much for your feedback. When I think back to when things were good and when he asked to be exclusive he said is goal in dating is always to find a partner. It makes me annoyed now with all the wasted time. What you said is a good idea because I realize now that even I said to him it's clear he doesn't want a relationship me he would refute it like he did the other two times saying he never wants to lose. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 A "texting relationship" is not a relationship. It's a waste of time. It didn't work when you actually tried to date him, so this texting is kind of meaningless. You should put an end to this. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted April 2, 2021 Share Posted April 2, 2021 (edited) @FudgeSwirl It definitely isn't you. - Beach Edited April 2, 2021 by Beachead 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FudgeSwirl Posted April 3, 2021 Author Share Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) @ShyViolet Thank you so much. This morning was the first time he texted me in a few days with his customary, "Good morning, gorgeous." I didn't reply and so far he hasn't sent a second text. Edited April 3, 2021 by FudgeSwirl The username I used after @ did not come up correctly. Link to post Share on other sites
Beachead Posted April 3, 2021 Share Posted April 3, 2021 (edited) @FudgeSwirl That's good but I would block his number and remove him from social media as well if you have him there because the only thing that can result from that are an infinite supply of opportunities for him to continue reaching out and inadvertedly messing with you. Even if you ignore the texts, you'll still be affected by it in some way. You'll still see it. You may feel tempted to read it. If you don't, you might wonder what he wrote. And thus, he'll remain in your thoughts, holding you hostage. Don't underestimate the power people like this can have. - Beach Edited April 3, 2021 by Beachead 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author FudgeSwirl Posted April 8, 2021 Author Share Posted April 8, 2021 @Beachead I am so sorry I did not get a chance to see what you wrote and thank you until now. So far he still hasn't thought to text me or reach out since I ignored that one text but you made really great points and could randomly contact me trying to mess with my head with his "sweetness" even if it is not a flirty message. I'll definitely block him. Link to post Share on other sites
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