HugosVoice Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 Hi guys. I talked about this a few years ago and sadly it is still going on. To refresh, my partner and I have been together for 17 years. 8 years ago we bought a home together and he has taken the place over. He sells things on eBay and all his stock fills our home. We don’t need the money at all, and it’s more of a hobby for him. What was meant to be our guest bedroom is just a room full of containers, boxes, bags and mess from floor to ceiling. Boxes, bags and containers cover almost every corner and spare space in our home, including making some places (eg our linen cupboard) inaccessible without having to spend 15 minutes moving boxes and bags out of the way. He keeps expressing desire to clean it up but also makes constant excuses, and has a way of making me feel like the bad guy, an "annoying nag" who doesn't trust him whenever I try to talk about it. I can’t take it anymore. I just want to live like a normal human being. We haven’t had friends over in years because I’m so embarrassed. I feel sick at the thought if anyone asking to come over or even to use our bathroom. My mother recently passed away and not being able to offer my Dad a place to stay if he was ever feeling lonely because the mess lives there absolutely killed me... I don’t want to break up but I can’t physically live with him anymore if this is how it’s going to continue to be. I’ve never given an ultimatum in my life but I think it might be time. What do you think? Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 42 minutes ago, HugosVoice said: I’ve never given an ultimatum in my life but I think it might be time. What do you think? An ultimatum won't work. Hoarding is a complex psychiatric disorder that you will never fix. Why have you tolerated this for so long? Hoarders are very attached to their trash. It's a form of self regulation and control. See how much it controls your life? The junk and trash becomes the center of your life. It's unhealthy and associated with increased physical and mental health issues. All you can do is move out. Consider living with your father until you get on your feet. You need to get to an organized environment to reflect and plan. The chaos and despair the clutter creates, is clouding your judgement. Read up on hoarding disorders. Hoarding is not a hobby like collecting specific things. It's a mental illnesses. He just tells you it's a hobby to normalize and protect his illness. See how controlling this is. You're paralyzed by it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
salparadise Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 2 hours ago, HugosVoice said: He keeps expressing desire to clean it up but also makes constant excuses, and has a way of making me feel like the bad guy... I’ve never given an ultimatum in my life but I think it might be time. What do you think? I can relate. My ex-w was a mini-hoarder with a shopping habit. I won't go on about it, but it's a mind mode that's hard to escape. If I were in your position, I'd try a reasoning ultimatum. Tell him you have something to say and you don't want to be interrupted until you're finished, and that it's not a negotiation. Explain that you just can't live this way any longer and things are going to change. Tell him that if he wants to continue operating a business he needs to move it out of the house, and if it's not making enough to cover the cost of a space of its own, then it's not worth what it's costing you in terms of the loss of your home. Don't allow him turn it around on you. If he tries just interrupt, and say, nope I'm not the one being unreasonable here, and we're done talking about it. The problem though, is that you have to be willing to back it up and follow through. Don't do empty threats or half-hearted bluffs. It sounds like to me that you aren't used to being assertive with him. I think that will have to change too. In other words, don't nag- be understated with the words but mean what you say. Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 Being with a compulsive hoarder is just like the compulsive gambler, and substance abuser. The compulsion/addiction becomes the relationship. His relationship is with his precious trash and junk that he uses as a barbed wire fense around him. Just like any other compulsive disorders he uses it to cope, so you would be wasting your time talking about it. You need to leave. It's that simple. Just as with the drinker, gambler, drug addict, etc. your life is in shambles. There are significant health risks living in this environment. Basically, he's turned your home into a dumpster. And he doesn't care. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Crazelnut Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 See a lawyer about how to untangle yourself with the house, then follow through and leave. You don't deserve to live in a dumpster. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts