Should I make an effort to be more friendly with a friend?

[Av3ry]

5 years ago, I moved to Sydney and met many people. I got along very well with Chrissy (not her real name) and texted each other almost every day. I shared my past with her (mostly horrible stuff that happened to me, but that's for another thread, maybe) and so did she. 

As months and years went by, I realised that it's a one-sided friendship. She would text me daily to ask how I was doing, and soon as I said, "I'm alright, just taking it one day at a time", she'd start dumping her worries and insecurities on me. This would go on almost every day. Every time we met up for coffee or lunch along with another friend, she'd end up bringing down the happy moment with her worries or catastrophic thinking. I thought I was the only one that noticed this but a mutual friend noticed the same.

One day, I texted Chrissy to confide in her that I wasn't feeling very well (putting it mildly here) and that I just needed to talk to her. She replied to my message by saying that it would all go away, and proceeded to tell me about what was going on with her. I felt like she was being insensitive but shrugged it off and continued to soothe her. Fast forward to a few days later, she texted to tell me that she was struggling with work, and that she needed someone to talk to. I was going through a hard time that day - I lost a client and I wasn't feeling myself. I replied by saying that "everyone struggles these days", to which she replied, "yes, I know that, but you didn't have to be a b**** about it". I couldn't even tell her what was going on because she was busy telling me about how unhappy she was with her job (she has resigned now).

After that incident, we stopped talking, or rather I did because I was "bettering" myself and doing the work I needed to stop blaming myself for losing my client. Then, I texted Chrissy to tell her how I felt very sad by what she said (there were more things than just what I shared above) and I needed some time to think about our friendship - we were very codependent, but I don't think she was/is aware of that. She then told me that she felt like I should apologise to her for what I said.

I was taken aback and because I didn't want to prolong this entire situation, I said I was sorry. 

Now, things have changed between us - I don't care to text her every day and I think she caught on on that, so she doesn't as well. I feel as if I'm at fault here, but a few mutual friends said no. I thought I'd the forum since I'd be getting unbiased point of view. 

Should I make an effort to text her more often? Honestly, in the past, every time I did and I heard back from her, I'd feel anxious reading her messages. I felt as if I had to constantly make her feel better but when it came to me, she'd say a few "nice, comforting things" and go back to her worries. Am I being a prick here?

[Acacia98]

23 minutes ago, Av3ry said:

Am I being a prick here?

No. You're not. Your "friend" sounds very self-absorbed. She doesn't seem to actually care about you. So I wouldn't call it a friendship. You're more like the therapist she visits regularly to unload her woes on, except that she doesn't actually pay for your services. 

Personally, I'd just stop communicating with her. 

Also, look up "conversational narcissism" on Google.

[d0nnivain]

Chrissy is never going to be someone who supports you.  She's too self absorbed.  Instead of just recognizing that, you tried to get her to change which set her off.  You were mistaken in your belief that she cared.  She liked the dynamic you two had -- she dumped on you & you took it but she never had the responsibility to be there for you.  You failed to realize there was nothing you could do or say that would ever change that.  She is & always will be a taker.  When you tried to address the issue, things got worse which was foreseeable.  

In every relationship somebody will always give more & somebody will always take more on some aspects.  It's just the way things are.  

Your other error was trying to address any of this over text.  Communication is 90+% non-verbal.  You need tone, facial expression & body language to be able to read somebody.  All of that is missing in text.  Never, ever address emotionally charged issues in that medium.  

[ShyViolet]

3 hours ago, Av3ry said:

I replied by saying that "everyone struggles these days", to which she replied, "yes, I know that, but you didn't have to be a b**** about it". 

This would have been the moment where I tell her off and then never speak to her again.

Why are you asking if you should text her more often?  This person doesn't benefit your life in any way, only causes you problems and bad feelings.  You are not obligated to stay friends with a toxic person.  You are allowed to cut this person out of your life.  Get some self-respect and do what is best for YOU.

[Av3ry]

15 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

No. You're not. Your "friend" sounds very self-absorbed. She doesn't seem to actually care about you. So I wouldn't call it a friendship. You're more like the therapist she visits regularly to unload her woes on, except that she doesn't actually pay for your services. 

Personally, I'd just stop communicating with her. 

Also, look up "conversational narcissism" on Google.

Thanks, Acacia98 - yeah, thing is I do see and feel all the above that you mentioned. I just needed some outside perspective before I actually talk to her. 

[Av3ry]

13 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Chrissy is never going to be someone who supports you.  She's too self absorbed.  Instead of just recognizing that, you tried to get her to change which set her off.  You were mistaken in your belief that she cared.  She liked the dynamic you two had -- she dumped on you & you took it but she never had the responsibility to be there for you.  You failed to realize there was nothing you could do or say that would ever change that.  She is & always will be a taker.  When you tried to address the issue, things got worse which was foreseeable.  

In every relationship somebody will always give more & somebody will always take more on some aspects.  It's just the way things are.  

Your other error was trying to address any of this over text.  Communication is 90+% non-verbal.  You need tone, facial expression & body language to be able to read somebody.  All of that is missing in text.  Never, ever address emotionally charged issues in that medium.  

Thank you, d0nnivain. A friend of mine calls her a vampire, which makes sense. 
Yeah, I actually invited her for coffee to talk but she had excuses, and I couldn't wait no longer, so I just said the things I said. 

[Av3ry]

12 hours ago, ShyViolet said:

This would have been the moment where I tell her off and then never speak to her again.

Why are you asking if you should text her more often?  This person doesn't benefit your life in any way, only causes you problems and bad feelings.  You are not obligated to stay friends with a toxic person.  You are allowed to cut this person out of your life.  Get some self-respect and do what is best for YOU.

Thanks, ShyViolet. Yup, I can see that I wasn't valuing myself as a person and let her walk all over me. Never again! Thanks for the tough love.

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, Av3ry said:

 A friend of mine calls her a vampire, which makes sense. 

Energy vampires are like that.  We all have them in our lives.  Some have other uses.  I have a friend who can be one so I know she can't ever be emotionally supportive of me for more than 5-10 minutes, if that, but she's otherwise a nice person.  She walks my dog in a pinch & keeps an eye on our house when we travel.  In exchange I listen when she rants but I don't expect her to be a sympathetic ear for me. I have other friends for that.  There may be days that I am the energy vampire from their perspective. Everybody is needy at times.  

[Av3ry]

14 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Energy vampires are like that.  We all have them in our lives.  Some have other uses.  I have a friend who can be one so I know she can't ever be emotionally supportive of me for more than 5-10 minutes, if that, but she's otherwise a nice person.  She walks my dog in a pinch & keeps an eye on our house when we travel.  In exchange I listen when she rants but I don't expect her to be a sympathetic ear for me. I have other friends for that.  There may be days that I am the energy vampire from their perspective. Everybody is needy at times.  

I don't disagree that we're a vampire to someone else. I'm glad your friend helps out whenever you need it!

So this morning, Jessie (not her real name), a mutual friend of mine and Chrissy's, invited us out for breakfast. I haven't seen Jessie in a while, so I said yes. It was rather pleasant and every time Chrissy was being a downer, I breathed and didn't say anything. I don't plan to hang out with her - one-on-one - anymore. I do have to keep it friendly, coz we're all in the same choir and other members know we were close. I don't feel drained out after I left, which I feel is a good thing.

[glows]

Good work managing your reactions and emotions at the breakfast. I always regard overall wellbeing as an accumulation of thoughts and actions. Keep it at an even keel with everyone and pay no mind to the ones that don't matter. You do it for you. Keep it up.

As for Chrissy, take her at basic, surface level only. You're both entitled to your opinions but make no mistakes about your boundaries. Keep up also with your hobbies, interests, other friendships, check in with family and others you trust and admire and respect. Sometimes we have things going on with someone who rubs us the wrong way. Move away from that and spend more time with those who uplift you. 

 

[Av3ry]

21 minutes ago, glows said:

Good work managing your reactions and emotions at the breakfast. I always regard overall wellbeing as an accumulation of thoughts and actions. Keep it at an even keel with everyone and pay no mind to the ones that don't matter. You do it for you. Keep it up.

As for Chrissy, take her at basic, surface level only. You're both entitled to your opinions but make no mistakes about your boundaries. Keep up also with your hobbies, interests, other friendships, check in with family and others you trust and admire and respect. Sometimes we have things going on with someone who rubs us the wrong way. Move away from that and spend more time with those who uplift you. 

 

Hi glows, thank you - you're absolutely right that I need to move away from things that don't work for me. I do spend lots of time with those who uplift me  I used to spend a lot of time with her and I didn't want to admit that she was bringing me down, because at the of it, it was still MY CHOICE to hang out with her. But not anymore. I know better now and I do need to put myself first.

[Noproblem]

I honestly would tell her how crappy she has been and end it right there or she can work on bettering herself as a friend.

One thing I might add, she might have anxiety and adhd which can make her like that and in such case you can just learn to accept how she is! But since she is not brining happiness to your life or adding anything and you are not happy with her, so you shouldn't prolong this "friendship"

Edited April 2, 2021 by Noproblem