I realized I did not really love my wife after marriage for 4 years

[cityzen85]

Hi guys, I am new to this forum and I am currently in a mess right now.

I have been married to my wife for 4 years and we did not consummate our marriage during these 4 years. I always cited the reason of my skin condition psoriasis as a reason even though I am on medication to control it now. I always find myself not sexually attracted to my wife and even though she always took the approach, I am always the one to reject her. Being in this marriage have been a burden for me but I have kept it within myself all these while. I did not know how to tell my wife what and how I am feeling towards her as I did not want to break her heart. I just cannot bear to do so.

Refusing sex with with my wife have simply provided me an excuse to seek gratification outside of my marriage. For these few years, I have been living a secret life where I would have anonymous sexual encounters with both men/women whom I got to know from local sex forums. It was only until recently a few weeks ago when my wife checked my computer and found out the photos I took with them during our make-out sessions. That's when my world came crashing down.. I was forced to admit of my gratification to my wife, parents and brother/sister. That's when I decided I needed to put a stop to all these and seek professional help. I am now currently living separately with my wife. She is staying in our matrimonial home while I stay at my parents.

My wife accuses me of being gay, which I vehemently denied that accusation. I have attached an article link which my therapist suggested me to read up here.
Straight Men who have Sex with Men

I am currently seeing a sex addiction therapist and undergoing a recovery program. All these days of living separately with my wife have made me thought a lot about our future. During our dating stage, I admit there was some kind of puppy love between us. But knowing myself, I am a selfish and self-centered person. I do not like to be tied down. It was due to pressure from my parents' which made me propose to my wife and got married right after my elder brother did.

Thinking back, I realized marriage has been a mistake for me and it is my fault for dragging so long and getting into such a messy situation right now. I also realized I do not love my wife anymore, I really wanted a separation. I would rather admit to her that I am gay to make her give up on me. She has cried during a few calls to ask why am I such a cold hearted person. What I have for her now is not love anymore but sympathy because it was all my fault and never hers. I would even give up the HDB flat and transfer to her name if I could, but sadly we bought it for less than 5 years (must sell back to HDB). I know I need to be tell her honestly how I felt towards her now as I do not want to give her any false hope and even if we managed to "salvage" our relationship, I swore I could not fulfill her intimacy and emotional need as a husband.

What should I do now please?

[d0nnivain]

Your poor wife feels blindsided.  Show her some compassion & explain how life will be better for her once you divorce.  She will be free to find a man who wants & cherishes her.  She probably feels shame that she was somehow not enough for you or that she will be viewed as a bad wife.  

Go see a lawyer & work out a fair settlement with your wife.  

[FMW]

You need to go ahead and end the marriage, talk to your wife and talk to an attorney.  Don't drag this out any longer.  Tell your wife whatever you are most comfortable telling her, but tell her the marriage is over.  Keep it simple and don't do or say anything to make her think there may still be a chance to save the marriage.  You'll both get through it and have the opportunity to be happy once it's all behind you.  

[cityzen85]

Have tried very hard to tell my wife over the phone but I do not know why I am just unable to bring those hard-truth words out..

I have hinted her many times too. I would really want to apply for an annulment but in her current state of mind, I do not think she will agree.

Her therapist also advised her to think things out when she is in a clear state of mind instead of making decision to want continue the marriage due to not able to let it go as we have known each other since 2013, she still believes there is a small chance that I may still have feelings for her. She has told me to show her more concern, but I have second thoughts as I do not want to say or do anything to make her think there may still be a chance to save the marriage as mentioned by FMY above.. you may say I am trying to run away from my problems, but until she can think clearly and know there is no hope left for us, I try to avoid meeting her if possible.. 

We are both 36 this year, and she is worried she might not be able to find her right one after me.. which sad to say.. I was also never the right one for her 😭 

I feel very sorry and regretful for damaging her psychologically.. 

[Wiseman2]

Is this an arranged marriage? Are you using the marriage to obscure your sexuality? 

[cityzen85]

14 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Is this an arranged marriage? Are you using the marriage to obscure your sexuality? 

Definitely not an arranged marriage. Could say i was some sort of a "mummy's boy" and listened to my mum to get married.

And no i am not gay.

[d0nnivain]

20 hours ago, cityzen85 said:

 I have been living a secret life where I would have anonymous sexual encounters with both men/women whom I got to know from local sex forums. 

 

9 minutes ago, cityzen85 said:

And no i am not gay.

I think you are lying to yourself.  You are at least BI if you have sex with men.  Having sex with your own gender certainly gets you out of the straight camp. 

The only label that matters here is HUSBAND & you are not a good one.  You have been married for 4 years but never had sex with your wife. That is so unfair to her.  Do the right thing & let the poor woman be free to find real love.  You need to be kind a generous to this woman in this divorce because you have been lying to her & stringing her along for 8 years.  That is cruel.   Your idea now to stay away from her & only talk to her by phone benefits you but continues to hurt her.  Get a lawyer & get this divorce ball rolling.  Anything else is just more stringing her along.  Her therapist will help her get through the emotional damage you caused.  All you have to do is stop causing more damage by sticking around.  

[cityzen85]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 

I think you are lying to yourself.  You are at least BI if you have sex with men.  Having sex with your own gender certainly gets you out of the straight camp. 

The only label that matters here is HUSBAND & you are not a good one.  You have been married for 4 years but never had sex with your wife. That is so unfair to her.  Do the right thing & let the poor woman be free to find real love.  You need to be kind a generous to this woman in this divorce because you have been lying to her & stringing her along for 8 years.  That is cruel.   Your idea now to stay away from her & only talk to her by phone benefits you but continues to hurt her.  Get a lawyer & get this divorce ball rolling.  Anything else is just more stringing her along.  Her therapist will help her get through the emotional damage you caused.  All you have to do is stop causing more damage by sticking around.  

Why i say im not gay because i do not have any emotional feeling towards Men. But what if she still harbor some hope of reviving our marriage?? How can i make her totally give up on me?? I also want to stop causing anymore damage! I want her to be free and look for someone else who truly love her for who she is. I know I am definitely not the one. She just can't believe after all these years, I do not have any feelings for her?

 

I realised i forgot to attach the article here. So here it it.

'Straight' Men who have sex with Men

[emprosnet7]

3 hours ago, cityzen85 said:

Definitely not an arranged marriage. Could say i was some sort of a "mummy's boy" and listened to my mum to get married.

And no i am not gay.

I don't know what is your religious background but I suspect it has alot to do with the marriage. The first thing to do is to accept your sexuality and the fact that you like sleeping with men. I wonder how is it possible for your wife to accept a marriage for 4 years without sex at least once. The upside is that you don't have kids and you can go on with your lives as friends. 

Edited April 1, 2021 by emprosnet7

[cityzen85]

I do not sleep with Men, i only had "quickies" encounters with anonymous men. I do not sleep with MEN!!!

And i also cheated on my wife with escorts, freelances ladies.

I am a jerk i know that,

[HiCrunchy]

15 minutes ago, cityzen85 said:

I do not sleep with Men, i only had "quickies" encounters with anonymous men. I do not sleep with MEN!!!

And i also cheated on my wife with escorts, freelances ladies.

I am a jerk i know that,

Straight men don't have quickies with other men??????

[mark clemson]

I suppose anyone can self-identify however they wish. However, for clarification, it strongly appears that in the eyes of most other people you would be considered Bi or Pan, since you have sexual encounters (of whatever kind, but sexual ones) with both genders.

It is true that a sexless marriage will cause some partners a great deal of distress, which is what appears to be happening with your wife. We get posts of people in a similar situation to her here on a fairly regular basis. While I personally don't advise people to divorce, I think one can also say fairly that it's really not fair to either of you to continue being married, particularly to her, but really to both.

Edited April 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[Soul-shards]

End the marriage. You don't even have children. This is easy, no hand-wringing needed because this is the fairest and best thing you can do for your wife anyway. She will be thankful to you later. 

[glows]

As this is not improving or progressing (not to mention your actions would be hard to forgive for any wife), please do end the marriage.

Speak to a lawyer on your own and start the process filing for divorce and getting things ready. You're in Singapore from what I see and it's still a conservative culture. Your wife will have to leave and move back in with her parents if necessary but she will recover and both of you are free to remarry. Four years is a long time to deceive someone like this.