Wife seeing Dr for mental health but not sure I can wait.

[Renard99]

My wife and I have been together for 10 years and married for 4 and a half years.

She has always been open about some of the many traumas she's faced, such as losing her mother to a long battle with cancer, almost losing her father to ill health shortly after and, after her first marriage at 18, realising that her ex was willing to raise a fist for the duration of the marriage. The one thing I've always admired about her has always been that, no matter what life throws at her, she's always managed to get back up again and keep going. What I didn't realise was that her coping methods to do this were only papering over the cracks.

Things were fine in the early years of our relationship, however, about a year after marriage it became evident that she had never truly processed past events and the weight of what she had buried deep down was slowly coming to the surface. She had hidden it very well. Affection was sporadic and sex trailed off to nothing. She started to not cope with the ups and downs of life and began to keep me at arms length. To me it felt like we were becoming room mates, not lovers. I left it for a while as unexpected work stresses, purchasing our first house and then house renovations were on the go and I felt maybe these were triggers but they were not. We had a few small conversations about our relationship but I was always assured everything was fine. As time went on I stopped initiating sex (because I was always rejected) and started to touch and kiss her less because it became clear that it made her uncomfortable. I felt unwanted, physically and emotionally. 

Earlier this year I sat down with her and raised the subject again but this time stating that I love her to bits but being in a relationship where I don't feel like I'm in a relationship is not where I want to be. That I'm willing to work on us and will do whatever it takes but I don't know where to begin. She immediately burst into tears and explained that it's hard to love someone when you hate yourself and that she has become 'emotionally numb to everything', even things that used to give her pleasure like hobbies. She also proceeded to reel off a whole load of situations where people have 'used' or 'taken advantage' of her but in reality, these examples were actually good friends simply asking for opinions or simply asking a friend that knows more than they do (she worked as a zookeeper for 20 years. From spiders to rhinos, she's cared for them so when someone needs animal advice there's virtually nothing that she doesn't know). She also states her weight gain has made her 'grotesque' but in reality her weight gain, in terms of numbers, has been minor. I tried to reassure her as much as possible, as I genuinely love her and I let that be known, but there was nothing I could say or do that meant anything in that moment. 

Fast forward to a week later and she tells me she's booked a Dr's appointment and an appointment with a psychiatrist as she knows she's opened Pandora's box in terms of buried trauma. She's had two appointments so far with more booked, she's on medication and she's clearly trying make changes based on health care advice. However, in the mean time, we've gone back to living like housemates. 

My problem is that the longer we live as housemates, the more I see us as housemates. I've tried to be more like a couple to keep the spark alive but I get put back at arms length. I understand that mental health is a delicate thing to unravel, especially when it's been suppressed for so long and I would never ever want to rush the process or apply pressure but I feel like my view of our relationship ship is at a tipping point. On one side I feel like it'd be wrong to leave when she's not only acknowledged an issue but is trying to fix it and she may turn it around. On the other side, it's been nearly 18 months in this situation and I don't know how much longer I can go on before I genuinely only see her as a friend.

I really don't know what to do. 

 

P.S sorry for the long post. It's been cathartic to final get it off my chest. 

 

[FMW]

Is it possible to do counseling together while she's seeing the psychiatrist?  Working on her issues might take quite a while, and it sounds like you're already in danger of being past the point of no return for romantic love.  Once it's lost it's very unlikely to be able to revive it.  

[Renard99]

2 minutes ago, FMW said:

Is it possible to do counseling together while she's seeing the psychiatrist?  Working on her issues might take quite a while, and it sounds like you're already in danger of being past the point of no return for romantic love.  Once it's lost it's very unlikely to be able to revive it.  

I did suggest counselling together but she very much wants to face the demons of her past on her own initially. She hasn't ruled out doing it together at a later date but for now she says it's a journey she must start on her own and I respect that. 

[FMW]

Maybe you can talk to a counselor on your own and see if they have any suggestions for helping you to hold on and how to communicate with her about it without setting her back in her recovery. 

But I have to be honest, this doesn't sound good.  I was in a marriage where the romance and sex died.  Once my feelings (beyond caring about my xH in general) died, they were gone and buried.  I could never see him as a romantic/sexual partner again, and he probably felt the same.  Being in that situation makes you very vulnerable to being unfaithful.

[giotto]

oh dear... you married my wife... like yours, mine hid her mental issues very well, we went on having children, we raised them. After the last one, she basically went numb. She never told me what the real problem was, only that she had recurring catastrophic thoughts. She went on anti-depressants and our sex life went out of the window. I tried to help, but with very little information, I didn't know what to do. I wasn't equipped to deal with it and she refused therapy. Eventually, I started isolating myself and became difficult to live with. We nearly divorced, but she told me that she would go to therapy instead, only to change her mind again. But we compromised and we resumed our sex life - albeit once/month. For 10 years, I thought we were doing better, only to realise later on that she'd been detaching all this time. Yes, I got angry with her in the past. Never physical, just saying nasty things (I was frustrated... I wasn't getting anywhere). So, 3 years ago she told me that she didn't want to have sex with me anymore, quoting empty-nest syndrome, menopause, me being nasty to her in the past. I was destroyed and said I wanted to separate. Then I found her diary full of despair, depression, even suicidal thoughts and I decided to stay to support her. She doesn't know I know. This is were we are now.

Where am I getting at? I can't live like this for the rest of my life (I'm 57) so when this Covid madness ends, I will be off. Unfortunately, mental illness is very hard to deal with, but at least your wife is going to therapy. It's a difficult decision: I want to live my life but, at the same time, my wife needs help. And I also contributed to the disintegration of our marriage. I'm sure you feel the same. Take your time to reflect (even more) and then do what you have to do.

[Fletch Lives]

Even if she gets her mental health in check, there may be another stumbling block - she also has to love you. Her love level may have gone down or may be gone for you.

You can try doing the things that you did when she first fell in love with you, perhaps you can bring the spark back. Women need romance, respect, affection, and trust. This assumes things were once good.

[giotto]

1 hour ago, Fletch Lives said:

Even if she gets her mental health in check, there may be another stumbling block - she also has to love you. Her love level may have gone down or may be gone for you.

You can try doing the things that you did when she first fell in love with you, perhaps you can bring the spark back. Women need romance, respect, affection, and trust. This assumes things were once good.

Sometimes, for people with mental issues, the mental issues are their priorities - and understandibly so. For example, I believe my wife had no room left for me, after her issues, the kids and her job. Something had to give. And it was me. Unfortunately, I didn't know this. I probably made things worse.

Edited April 2, 2021 by giotto

[Renard99]

6 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

Even if she gets her mental health in check, there may be another stumbling block - she also has to love you. Her love level may have gone down or may be gone for you.

You can try doing the things that you did when she first fell in love with you, perhaps you can bring the spark back. Women need romance, respect, affection, and trust. This assumes things were once good.

That is a big fear for me and something that has crossed my mind. I've suffered with my mental health in the past and I know that your world shrinks.... you live inside yourself more and it can blind you to things around you...... But like you say, is the lack of affection/intimacy more to do with her slipping away, rather than her temporarily withdrawing? 

Things were definitely good for the first 6 or 7 years and I have certainly tried to do what we used to do, romantically and affectionately, but like I said in the original post, the longer I get no return for my efforts, the more it feels like I don't want to put the effort in. 

The one update since I wrote the post is that we had another conversation about our relationship and I outright asked, is the relationship part of the problem (or is a separate problem on its own) and she hugged me and said that "No, far from it, our relationship is part of the solution, my past is the problem". But the issue remains, her actions don't back up the words and I continue to feel like a friend. 

Edited April 2, 2021 by Renard99

[Wiseman2]

On 3/31/2021 at 1:19 PM, Renard99 said:

she's booked a Dr's appointment and an appointment with a psychiatrist as she knows she's opened Pandora's box in terms of buried trauma. She's had two appointments so far with more booked, she's on medication and she's clearly trying make changes based on health care advice.

You have some valid concerns. It takes a while for this to kick in so you could wait a bit longer but of course there's a risk of relapse, or recalcitrant depression.