Slight Discovery-Day and now in precarious position

[Alexa007]

Quick background: I've been involved with MM/co-worker/ family friend for 18 months.  I'm divorced.  I've ended the Affair twice but we couldn't actual "end" it because we're always together at work and we would fall back into old habits after a week or two.  About a month ago, he told me he wanted to leave BS (I've never pressured him because it should be because he's miserable, not because of me). Since then, he's taken more and more steps each week towards that goal.  
 

This is going to be tricky to write to keep from being TMI but I'll try.  

We had a bit of a discovery and ended up having to come clean(ish) to close family (who are also involved in our work).  MM told them that he's planning on leaving BS for me.  They are supportive(ish).  Mine and his families are intertwined so my family all knows BS well so it's going to be an awkward situation.  BS is still in the dark.  

MM has contacted an attorney, moved important items to his mom's house, has a place he can stay, talks excitedly about our future, and has given me a time frame (sometime in the next 5-10 days).  We looked into the adultery laws in our state and it looks like we'll be fine not hiding anything.  

While I have never issued ultimatums or demands, I have a personal/private timeline now of 10 days.  If he doesn't do it next week (his reasoning for choosing next week is reasonable and makes sense), I'm going to walk away and go NC.  It will also require me to leave the job I love so much.  I can't fathom the pain but the affair has come to a boiling point where he can't have both anymore and I can't exist as the OW anymore.  

I should feel excited.  The past month has been like a fairytale with the love-bombing.  After our D-Day (about 8 days ago) MM was an absolute rock and didn't freak out.  He said it was a relief to have a few people know and told my mom and dad how much he loves me.  I hang out with his mom often and he told her the same as well as openly plans how he's going to leave BS.  

We've had a weird past two days, though although I'm guilty of over-thinking.  He's still making plans for us and saying the right things but the love-bombing has seemed to stop rather suddenly.  Basically, the past two days he hasn't been as touchy and lovey as usual.  I'm nervous.  The next 5-10 days are going to be super telling. One way or another, everything is going to come to a head.  

Also, even if/when he does leave, I personally know BS and she's going to fight like crazy for him.  MM deals with stress by withdrawing and ghosting.  It's basically going to be a mess either way.  

Also, I'm using this forum as the description says "support for the other woman/man".  Yes, I've read the grim statistics about how unlikely a relationship spawning from an affair is to succeed.  I know this man inside and out and would be happy to spend forever with him.  I'm also prepared to walk if need be, though.  

[BaileyB]

Alexa, tell him to contact you with divorce paper in hand. Seriously. That’s how you deal with the worry. You let go. If he is serious he will make it happen. If he is not... 

Unfortunately, there is no assurance that anyone can provide that he is going to follow through. People may know, but his wife doesn’t know and that is HUGE. You have chosen this man, the only thing you can do is wait. 

Quote

The past month has been like a fairytale with the love-bombing. 

I knew it wasn’t over. I’m worried about you, the reality of this situation is very different the fantasy you have been enjoying...

Edited March 31, 2021 by BaileyB

[Alexa007]

3 minutes ago, BaileyB said:

Alexa, tell him to contact you with divorce paper in hand. Seriously. That’s how you deal with the worry. You let go. If he is serious he will make it happen. If he is not... 

Unfortunately, there is no assurance that anyone can provide that he is going to follow through. People may know, but his wife doesn’t know and that is HUGE. You have chosen this man, the only thing you can do is wait. 

The only reason we're still in contact is because we work together (I ended the physical part of the relationship about a month ago but it's still very much an emotional affair).  I'm prepared to quit my job in a week if I have to, though 😭. 

[mark clemson]

3 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

MM has contacted an attorney, moved important items to his mom's house, has a place he can stay, talks excitedly about our future, and has given me a time frame (sometime in the next 5-10 days).  We looked into the adultery laws in our state and it looks like we'll be fine not hiding anything.  

 

While I have never issued ultimatums or demands, I have a personal/private timeline now of 10 days.  If he doesn't do it next week (his reasoning for choosing next week is reasonable and makes sense), I'm going to walk away and go NC.  It will also require me to leave the job I love so much.

Maybe you are at some sort of "emotional breaking point" but to me this sounds like you are sabotaging this just when it MIGHT go your way.

If he takes an extra 3 days to move out you walk??  Doesn't make any sense to me.

Now if he takes and extra 3 months, that might be a different story.

Even after he leaves (if he leaves, regardless of timing) there's no guarantee he'll stick with you. But guess what: that's true with any relationship, including "normal" ones.

IF you really want this guy, why are you pulling the rug out from under him/giving him no safe landing over trivial issues (a few days)? This makes zero sense to me.

[Snakesalive]

3 hours ago, Alexa007 said:

should feel excited

So what’s the problem? Are you feeling overwhelmed by the reality ? Nervous that he might change his mind ?  

[NYAG]

17 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Maybe you are at some sort of "emotional breaking point" but to me this sounds like you are sabotaging this just when it MIGHT go your way.

If he takes an extra 3 days to move out you walk??  Doesn't make any sense to me.

Now if he takes and extra 3 months, that might be a different story.

Even after he leaves (if he leaves, regardless of timing) there's no guarantee he'll stick with you. But guess what: that's true with any relationship, including "normal" ones.

IF you really want this guy, why are you pulling the rug out from under him/giving him no safe landing over trivial issues (a few days)? This makes zero sense to me.

I agree here. Presuming you want to be in a relationship with him if he does leave his BS, then give him the time, even if it's a few extra days. It SOUNDS like he's serious and if he's worth it hang on in there. I of course don't know your full story. If I got that from my MM I would wait (knowing the personal situation around mine). You know if they are worth the extra hassle. I hope things work out in your favour. Having to leave your job etc seems like such a painful choice to have to make with everything else that's going on. Best of luck, 

[Alexa007]

20 hours ago, mark clemson said:

Maybe you are at some sort of "emotional breaking point" but to me this sounds like you are sabotaging this just when it MIGHT go your way.

If he takes an extra 3 days to move out you walk??  Doesn't make any sense to me.

Now if he takes and extra 3 months, that might be a different story.

Even after he leaves (if he leaves, regardless of timing) there's no guarantee he'll stick with you. But guess what: that's true with any relationship, including "normal" ones.

IF you really want this guy, why are you pulling the rug out from under him/giving him no safe landing over trivial issues (a few days)? This makes zero sense to me.

Gah, you make a great point. Yesterday (the day I posted this) was a bad day for some reason. Today was much better.  

I think I'm just scared that a) he won't actually do it, (b) hell do it and it will be a disaster and he'll resent me, or (c) he'll do it and then want to enjoy the single life.  None of those fears hold weight based on any of his actions, though. 

He's been talking about leaving for a month but I planned my exit from my ex-husband for like 6 months (but I had to get kids in school, find a job, house, etc)... 

Today was a much better day in regards to his mood.  I think I'm so scared this isn't going to work that I'm over-analyzing a bit 😬

[mark clemson]

Certainly it would be a big change, so it's perfectly normal to be nervous. I'm also not going to try to claim this will all work out well, as IMO there's no way to tell. It might.

[elaine567]

Your other thread  posted yesterday is about how inconsistent he is...

On 3/31/2021 at 8:23 PM, Alexa007 said:

  He'll be super lovey, texting constantly, always holding me close when we're together, etc for weeks.  And then, without reason, he's suddenly avoiding touches, kissing, and texting way less.  It's a cycle. He never stops contacting me completely but it still sends me into a downward spiral.   

Even though I know this happens and that he eventually comes around, I hate it.  He's doing it right now and I'm just pulling away a bit.  Obviously I won't initiate any texts but do I respond to the ones he sends?  I don't want to appear petty/pouty.  

I am not surprised you are a bit nonplussed as regards his motives here and whether he will actually follow through.
Then you have the problem of  actually "winning" him...
To me he doesn't sound much of a prize...

[Mrin]

1 hour ago, Alexa007 said:

I think I'm just scared that a) he won't actually do it, (b) hell do it and it will be a disaster and he'll resent me, or (c) he'll do it and then want to enjoy the single life.  None of those fears hold weight based on any of his actions, though. 

Honestly I think this is spot on. When he was an unavailable MM then it was hard to become really invested. Not emotionally but I mean hopes-wise. It was hard to see a future together. Now all that is changing and it's normal to become scared like this. 

I've never been in your situation so I don't really have any good advice as to how to deal with it. Except that my gut says keep your hopes and dreams reigned way WAY in. 

[Snakesalive]

On 3/31/2021 at 7:47 PM, Alexa007 said:

He said it was a relief to have a few people know and told my mom and dad how much he loves me.

I could have written this . I had a very very similar experience,  my exMM told a  relative  and Close friend about me which he said made him feel better -in hindsight this was pure selfishness on his part -he never considered the position he put those  people in-dragging them into our deceit .  
He also told relatives of mine  how much he loved me and that he would look after me -I thought this was evidence of his commitment-but actually it was just words -his actions later proved that . When I challenged him on why he said those things he couldn’t give a straight answer -again I think his feelings were all over the place  and he said what he thought was the right thing to say at the time without really considering the impact on others -more selfish behaviour.  

I genuinely feel for you and for all the people that are/will be caught up in this situation .  I’m not sure at this stage you can know the outcome but I hope as a mom first and foremost you’ll put your children and their emotional well-being front and centre of everything. 

 

Edited April 1, 2021 by Snakesalive

[Birdies]

I hope it goes well. I had a similar situation, although we were both still married. The aftermath was completely awful for everyone, especially our former spouses of course. It’s a lot of horrible trauma to go through, regardless of which piece you are in the puzzle. 
 

I would just advise you to take it slow. My now-husband’s divorce took like 8 months and was very contentious. He’s going to have a lot of $hit going on and you don’t want to get too wrapped up in his every day tiny variances in behavior.
 

Don’t move in right away or anything. We didn’t move in together for 2 years, although we did spend most nights together.
 

You both will need to heal from your divorces and do a lot of introspection on what caused you to make such $hitty cruel decisions and how you have grown from it, before you can be truly happy together. If your answer to why you will never cheat again is because you would never cheat on MM...... wrong answer, time for more introspection. 
 

good luck in all of this. Happy to answer any questions about my experience walking this path if you want. 

[Fletch Lives]

I agree, he needs to get divorced if you are going to continue to see him, but isn't ten days a little ........I can't find the word........unreasonable?

[Allupinnit]

Hi @Alexa007 - any word from your MM?

I was trying to recall another poster here whose MM left his wife and kids for her.  Your situations are very similar.  We all said he wouldn't do it, but he did:

Seems like she had a lot of similar feelings to you.

[Kiki55]

31 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Hi @Alexa007 - any word from your MM?

I was trying to recall another poster here whose MM left his wife and kids for her.  Your situations are very similar.  We all said he wouldn't do it, but he did:

Seems like she had a lot of similar feelings to you.

Well, it seems like a blast from the past to receive a notification email from this site. 
 
this was my post originally and I am happy to tell you that we are still together. He lives in my house now with my daughter and me, my son chose to live with his father. We no longer work together, he got a new contract a couple of hours away but doing remote work so he is always home. We are planning to move to the area of his new job as it’s really nice there and I’m in the process of applying for work there along with a role at his office too. He still has a flat down the road from me which he sees his kids at. I am yet to meet them but this is on the cards shortly when we can meet on mutual ground and do fun things (lockdown has prevented meeting up) what I will say, is that it hasn’t been easy,  but it has been worth it. I trust him completely and him me. We were in wrong relationships we felt trapped in and had been so since we were teens. We are now (we feel) with who we were meant to be. We’ve got a couple of holidays booked, it’s his birthday soon and I’ve booked for a lovely boat trip for us both. We have so many happy times now and all of that drama and uncertainty is behind us. It’s now been over a year since our relationship ship began. If you need any support or advice please ask. All I will say is do not issue ultimatums. Having done that is what led to complete trauma for us, I backed him into a corner, I pressured him and in turn nearly ruined this. I think you know deep down in your gut whether somebody is being genuine or whether somebody will do what is required to be with you. Give yourself a quiet deadline and if he hasn’t done what is required by that point, you walk away... not aggressively ending it but telling him to get in touch when he’s done it - let him know the longer he leaves it the higher the chance that it’s too late... then get on with your life. Those that are meant for us will be... anything else doesn’t matter. 

[Kiki55]

Might I just add that every single thing he ever told me was true. He’s stood by everything he’s ever said. He loves my children and makes great effort with them, I am looking forward to doing the same with his. If you ever catch him out in a lie... you will end up in the same boat as his wife. I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater” or “he will do the same to you” some people are just not right for each other and yes, perhaps go about things the wrong way but the relationship I have with him is completely different to the relationship I had with my ex husband and I feel he thinks the exact same. People change, act differently with the right person. 

[Snakesalive]

2 hours ago, Kiki55 said:

Might I just add that every single thing he ever told me was true. He’s stood by everything he’s ever said. He loves my children and makes great effort with them, I am looking forward to doing the same with his. If you ever catch him out in a lie... you will end up in the same boat as his wife. I don’t believe “once a cheater always a cheater” or “he will do the same to you” some people are just not right for each other and yes, perhaps go about things the wrong way but the relationship I have with him is completely different to the relationship I had with my ex husband and I feel he thinks the exact same. People change, act differently with the right person. 

I’m so pleased things worked out for you 

[Stupidkupid]

I really hope this works out for you one way or another, and that you find happiness.

I've read the replies and wanted to add some of my own experience.

 

Years ago i had a 3 year on and off affair with a MM. I was just separated (divorced shortly after) and just... a little messed up.

I ended my affair after too many false promisdes and went NC for nearly 2 years. I had therapy. I healed. But I didn't forget. Dated. Nothing took.

Then, out of the blue, a D-Day in the form of contact from MMs wife.

Wanting answers. I gave some as honestly as i was able but i couldn't risk a collapse of my mental health after working so hard to pull myself back together. So I blocked her after telling her I'd said all that I could.

She persisted in contacting via withheld numbers. I eventually composed a cease and desist... e-mailed it to both of them.

Turns out that he'd told her he had long been in love with someone else and had filed for divorce a little while before, after giving the marriage another try post the affair. She had done some digging and found me. 

Anyway, the major point of this is that that person he was in love with turned out to be me and not another woman he had met. We have been officially together for over 3 years now but his divorce took nearly two years and was torturous. Lots of weird stuff and a lot of hurt.

A couple of things. He told me the minute he told her and asked for a divorce he felt a relief,, felt that he wasnt afraid of losing everything anymore. If she got it in the divorce, she got it. But 10 years of feeling low and miserable had come to an end.

Despite this he felt terrible guilt for hurting her and, indeed, had therapy himself. Helped him to take some responsbility etc

Now... first things first I am happy. We both are. Happiest i think I've ever been. We are comfortable with each other and we still talk about anything. Everything.  All the time.

But that first 6-12 months properly together were nearly as tough as the affair. I had doubts because I was constantly over thinking. Wondering if I could ever just completely let go of all the hurt he caused. Wondered if I would ever stop thinking he would just find the divorce too hard and go back to the marriage.

I don't know how common those feelings are but suggest, if he does leave, that you prepare yourself for stuff lile that.

It eased over time and now, none of that insecurity remains. In fact, it is the safest, warmest and most secure I have ever felt in a relationship.

So please update us about what happens.

I just wanted to say that affairs are painful. They suck. But every so often there is something real there and it can work out. 

[S2B]

On 4/1/2021 at 12:18 PM, Alexa007 said:

Gah, you make a great point. Yesterday (the day I posted this) was a bad day for some reason. Today was much better.  

I think I'm just scared that a) he won't actually do it, (b) hell do it and it will be a disaster and he'll resent me, or (c) he'll do it and then want to enjoy the single life.  None of those fears hold weight based on any of his actions, though. 

He's been talking about leaving for a month but I planned my exit from my ex-husband for like 6 months (but I had to get kids in school, find a job, house, etc)... 

Today was a much better day in regards to his mood.  I think I'm so scared this isn't going to work that I'm over-analyzing a bit 😬

What’s the update?

[Stupidkupid]

On 4/8/2021 at 12:37 AM, S2B said:

What’s the update?

Yes, @Alexa007 any update?