Kitty89S Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 (edited) Hi all. I am currently in a long distance relationship due to COVID and some work issues. I met my partner here in the UK and he is American. Due to covid he’s been back and forward but we are apart for months at a time, this time being 5 months and counting. While I understand to a certain extent, he can actually come here to spend some time as US flights aren’t in the red zone for us and I’m getting fed up now if I’m quite honest. I’m currently living and renting alone for the first time (just finished Masters studies) and paying rent, bills, council tax, everything alone. It’s hard at the moment as I live and work in London as a mental health nurse and I’ve been working 60 hlurs + every week to make sure everything is paid and I have some to put away for a rainy day. The last few months have been HELL at work (assaulted, constant threats of violence, new admissions) and I’ve reached my breaking point. I broke down at work the other day and an currently on a weeks compassionate leave for the stress and anxiety. My partner knows all the hours I’m working in an extremely stressful job and I hve asked him twice for a little help (£200) just so I can have a weekend to myself and not worry about work. his response was basically ‘no’, only bummy b****es’ asI for money, look after yourself like the rest of us. Let me make this clear - I am NOT asking for a big amount of money to buy a bag or a holiday. Just a couple of hundred so I can cancel a couple of shifts for my own sanity. This really upset me as he made me feel like I’m desperate and needy. Am I in the wrong and asking too much??? Baring in mind I live alone and I’m coming home every night stressed from the work environment and no one here with me. Edited March 31, 2021 by Kitty89S Link to post Share on other sites
Wiseman2 Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 4 minutes ago, Kitty89S said: I hve asked him twice for a little help (£200) just so I can have a weekend to myself and not worry about work. his response was basically ‘no’, only ‘ I’m b****es’ asI for money, look after yourself like the rest of us. How long have you been dating? See a physician about disability leave. Talk to your employer about your schedule. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitty89S Posted March 31, 2021 Author Share Posted March 31, 2021 1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said: How long have you been dating? See a physician about disability leave. Talk to your employer about your schedule. A little over a year, since Feb 2020. I’m working all the hours as overtime, they aren’t forced on me and I pick up the shifts because I need the money atm!!! Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 It's not his responsibility to support you. I feel for you. Burn out is real. But an SO is not financially obligated. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 It's not his responsibility to give you money. He was smart not to do so. Lending money is not a good idea. You need to deal with your financial issues on your own. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitty89S Posted March 31, 2021 Author Share Posted March 31, 2021 18 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: It's not his responsibility to support you. I feel for you. Burn out is real. But an SO is not financially obligated. I agree, it’s not his responsibility. But in a relationship you support each other in times of need, I’ve paid for things in the past when he needed it so I just wanted a little help. Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kitty89S Posted March 31, 2021 Author Share Posted March 31, 2021 5 minutes ago, ShyViolet said: It's not his responsibility to give you money. He was smart not to do so. Lending money is not a good idea. You need to deal with your financial issues on your own. I agree that it isn’t. But when you are in a relationship you support each other, I have done in the past when he needed something. I just wanted a little help not someone to rely on all the time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
d0nnivain Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 Then maybe this is a deal breaker for you. If you see this as him not being supportive or being stingy rather then generous, analyze the viability of continuing to date him in that context. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Shining One Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 1 hour ago, Kitty89S said: I agree, it’s not his responsibility. But in a relationship you support each other in times of need, I’ve paid for things in the past when he needed it so I just wanted a little help. How much have you given him in the past? Who handles the travel costs in your relationship? You may or may not be asking too much, but it depends on the whole financial picture. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Sun Seeker Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 Yes you are asking too much. You should take care of your financial situation yourself, instead of expecting him to help whenever you need it. If it was for an emergency or medical treatment etc then sure I can understand. But just so you can take a few days off work? No, that's your responsibility. Link to post Share on other sites
ShyViolet Posted March 31, 2021 Share Posted March 31, 2021 3 hours ago, Kitty89S said: I agree that it isn’t. But when you are in a relationship you support each other, I have done in the past when he needed something. No. This is not healthy and not a reasonable expectation. People don't typically give each other money and ask for money to help pay their bills in relationships that are a few months or a year, where they don't live together. Handle your financial issues yourself, or you are risking ruining relationships and creating messy drama. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
MsJayne Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 Sorry to hear you've had a breakdown, that's not good. Even under pressure, I'm confused as to why you think your BF should be giving you money. Your living arrangements are your responsibility, as is ensuring that you don't overwork yourself. I get that you're doing long hours to make ends meet, but why are you living beyond your means? The only situation in which he should be responsible for financially helping you out is if you'd agreed he was coming to live in the UK and you'd taken a more expensive place with that in mind. Would you hand over your hard-earned to someone who was living beyond their means? As an independent female I can never stress enough to women not to expect men to pay your way in life, ever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Av3ry Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 Ooh I'm going to agree with everyone here. It's not his responsibility to pay or give you any money. The relationship is a little over a year, that's still pretty new. You aren't living together, as well, so yeah, nah. No reason for him to help you out. Was it your choice to live on your own during this time? If it is, you should have had enough money saved to pay rent without needing any external help. Is there any household relief centres/organisations you can request for rent assistance? Link to post Share on other sites
Keridan Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 I'm gonna say it depends on the relationship and how often you have asked for help. I've never actually had a woman ask me for money in many relationships. Obviously I got to the point eventually where I had my finances combined in, but no direct money transfers. That being said ... I have done many things like buying something a girlfriend needed for her or whatever. It just depends on how much you are asking. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
dramafreezone Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 7 hours ago, Kitty89S said: Hi all. I am currently in a long distance relationship due to COVID and some work issues. I met my partner here in the UK and he is American. Due to covid he’s been back and forward but we are apart for months at a time, this time being 5 months and counting. While I understand to a certain extent, he can actually come here to spend some time as US flights aren’t in the red zone for us and I’m getting fed up now if I’m quite honest. I’m currently living and renting alone for the first time (just finished Masters studies) and paying rent, bills, council tax, everything alone. It’s hard at the moment as I live and work in London as a mental health nurse and I’ve been working 60 hlurs + every week to make sure everything is paid and I have some to put away for a rainy day. The last few months have been HELL at work (assaulted, constant threats of violence, new admissions) and I’ve reached my breaking point. I broke down at work the other day and an currently on a weeks compassionate leave for the stress and anxiety. My partner knows all the hours I’m working in an extremely stressful job and I hve asked him twice for a little help (£200) just so I can have a weekend to myself and not worry about work. his response was basically ‘no’, only bummy b****es’ asI for money, look after yourself like the rest of us. Let me make this clear - I am NOT asking for a big amount of money to buy a bag or a holiday. Just a couple of hundred so I can cancel a couple of shifts for my own sanity. This really upset me as he made me feel like I’m desperate and needy. Am I in the wrong and asking too much??? Baring in mind I live alone and I’m coming home every night stressed from the work environment and no one here with me. You have to learn how to manage stress and your finances better. Everyone has their own stuff going on, you're not the only one. I honestly would've helped you out but would probably break up with you. I would get the impression that you don't know how to budget, and what's that going to turn into say we get married? I'm not going to marry someone that's going to run up debt on me. You ask for money one time it's going to happen again and again. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
glows Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 I'm sorry you're going through a tough time. If he doesn't offer to help, don't ask. You also mentioned you've saved or put aside some savings for a rainy day. Can you not use some of that? Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 (edited) 15 hours ago, Kitty89S said: I agree that it isn’t. But when you are in a relationship you support each other, I have done in the past when he needed something. I just wanted a little help not someone to rely on all the time. Then you need a boyfriend who shares this view in terms of giving monetary support. He doesn't, and you would be unwise to pick this fight. It's not his responsibility. You can either accept that, or find someone more compatible with your own expectations. You asked if you were asking too much, and yes, I personally think you are. Edited April 1, 2021 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
chillii Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 (edited) l'm just wondering how the US could not be in a red zone , with by far the worst covid in the world right through it all last time l looked and what , yet he can still fly in and out , amazing. Pretty hard arse answer he gave you though , not exactly caring is he. Although l sort of agree but l sure wouldn't put it like that and admittedly if l was serious about us yeah , l probably would still help out though. Edited April 1, 2021 by chillii Link to post Share on other sites
poppyfields Posted April 1, 2021 Share Posted April 1, 2021 (edited) 5 hours ago, chillii said: l'm just wondering how the US could not be in a red zone , with by far the worst covid in the world right through it all last time l looked and what , yet he can still fly in and out , amazing. chillii, I am in the U.S. and although we are able to fly internationally to some countries, it's not that easy, there are forms, restrictions and government regulations. March 24, 2021 >>Many parts of the U.K. have begun easing lockdown restrictions. In England, schools have started reopening while in Scotland, public worship venues are set open before the end of March. More public places will open over the next few months. However, travel to the U.K. is still strongly discouraged. If you must visit, you’ll have to show proof of a negative coronavirus test taken no more than three days before arrival. Quarantine requirements are also country dependent, but most countries require visitors to abide by a 10-day quarantine or self-isolation and to take subsequent coronavirus tests. Breaking quarantine rules can lead to stiff fines. Visit the embassy's website or the U.K.’s coronavirus website for the latest details. OP, I think you are being unfair in negatively judging your boyfriend and being "fed up" because he is unwilling to fly to the UK right now; as far as expecting him to give you money, no not his responsibility as a boyfriend, although I think the way he responded to you was unnecessarily cold. I'm sorry you are having a tough go of it, and hope you feel better soon. Hugs Edited April 1, 2021 by poppyfields 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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