Should I be more open to dating women with kids?

[Miss Peach]

 

16 hours ago, Brooke02 said:

 

How about someone with older kids? Theres a huge difference between a women with a 3 year old vs. a woman with teenagers.

I totally agree with this. Part of why I never wanted kids again is I didn't want to go through the baby or toddler stage again.

21 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

This is unfortunately the story I hear from my single mom friends - a lot of men only want casual with them. 

I hear this from childless friends too who blame it on all sorts of things like our city is bad. I never seem to have problems finding guys who want to be my boyfriend. All my boyfriends have wanted to marry or cohabitate with me. I think a lot of this has to do with how well you present yourself, how much time to can arrange to give people, and having standards.

 

I'm in a single mom's group and a lot of the women there are struggling financially in life, are in and out of court, not emotionally open/bitter, etc. This is probably the bigger reason they are getting casual daters. Most men I know want a woman with her life together regardless of having kids. I feel the same way from my side and that's one of my biggest issues with finding someone too. It's not really a gender issue IMO.

Edited April 2, 2021 by Miss Peach

[ironpony]

Okay thanks for the advice so far, some good points.  Another thing is, I am on a couple of dating sites, and I noticed that in a city that is a few hours drive from mine, there seems to be more single women my age without kids possibly.  If this is true, that's strange, since the city is slightly smaller than the one I live in.  However, the city seems to be more, I guess you could say liberal, so are more liberal women in more liberal cities, more likely to not have kids in their 30s?

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

.... so are more liberal women in more liberal cities, more likely to not have kids in their 30s?

Having kids has more to do with education and socio-economics that political views...although the more education one has the more likely one is to not be today's form of conservative in the U.S.   

[Mysterio]

I think Age range of the Kids should be discussed.  Close to 20.  I don't think there is a problem to that.  2 to 15.  I would go slow.  Then again.  Its going to depends on the dynamic of the couple.  For me.  I am single and 50.  I think that best thing for me is to date single and childless if I can help it.  I don't have any desires to have kids.  

[chillii]

After divorce and no way l wanted a woman with 3 or 4 kids, there are sooo many angles to that but as well as the physically and then the kids themselves and that life. l met someone l really liked and thought she'd only had l child turned out she had 4 - holy hell . Said l'm really sorry but l thought you only had one- dunno, she said ahh, they're all over 20 and out in their own lives, some married. Great , so l'd have them , hubs n wives n babies coming and going too, forever,didn't say that but that's what l thought, and then there's still the physical side of it after 4kids. l was very firm on 1 or no kids , l preferred 1 bc l have 1 but l'd met one girl with no kids that straight away just didn't get the commitment and time , or the emotional side of feelings involved with your children , she didn't really get any of it.

But at any rate l've always been extremely selective and individual with the sort of woman l'd go for she's as rare as in best of times and it turned out she'd feel the same way l did anyway and she'd also been smart through her life and only had one child to one marriage and looking for all the same things l was . Point is it is all a very big deal and in many ways, but even at later 40s early 50s there were women around with 1 or no kids and my partner is one of them . So in your thirties they;ll be around finding love is about quality not quantity and l'd really stick to the guns on it if l was a single guy out there.

Edited April 9, 2021 by chillii

[dramafreezone]

On 4/2/2021 at 8:53 AM, Miss Peach said:

 

I totally agree with this. Part of why I never wanted kids again is I didn't want to go through the baby or toddler stage again.

I hear this from childless friends too who blame it on all sorts of things like our city is bad. I never seem to have problems finding guys who want to be my boyfriend. All my boyfriends have wanted to marry or cohabitate with me. I think a lot of this has to do with how well you present yourself, how much time to can arrange to give people, and having standards.

 

I'm in a single mom's group and a lot of the women there are struggling financially in life, are in and out of court, not emotionally open/bitter, etc. This is probably the bigger reason they are getting casual daters. Most men I know want a woman with her life together regardless of having kids. I feel the same way from my side and that's one of my biggest issues with finding someone too. It's not really a gender issue IMO.

Dating is just a matter of trade offs.

Let's think about what a single mother represents.  I'm not going to get into any moral discussion about having children out of wedlock, but I would say the biggest deterrent from a well-off man marrying a single mother is that she will never put him first.  The children will always come first from the very beginning.  You add to that all of the other stuff you mentioned, financial troubles, lack of availability, anger, what's the upside for a guy?

Dating a single mother I would never expect to come before her kids, but she can control the rest of that stuff.  Get your finances and life in order, and have a positive attitude, you'll have more options.  In fact I would say just the positive, cheerful attitude would go a long way.  That's all guys really want, someone who's a joy to be around and adds to his life instead of being a drain on it.

[ZA Dater]

20 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

  That's all guys really want, someone who's a joy to be around and adds to his life instead of being a drain on it.

I have never ever found this to be the case with single mothers I have gone on dates with.

[dramafreezone]

2 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

I have never ever found this to be the case with single mothers I have gone on dates with.

It's tough to pull off.  I know a lot of single mothers have been through difficult, trying times.  My heart goes out to the women who are trying to do the best they can, but that doesn't make them good candidates for me to date, much less marry.  I have dated a couple of single mothers that are putting forth genuine effort to be happy though.

[trident_2020]

I wouldn't say no outright to a single mom but I would proceed with extreme caution.

My 9 year live in relationship recently imploded because of her teenage son who turned into a prick 2 years ago and is selfish, manipulative, arrogant, lazy, irresponsible, abusive and violent. She continues to deny and enable and there's just no place for me in the midst of all that dysfunction.

So tread carefully and watch for the red flags. She's really gotta be worth it.

 

[Miss Peach]

On 4/10/2021 at 12:22 PM, ZA Dater said:

I have never ever found this to be the case with single mothers I have gone on dates with.

 

On 4/10/2021 at 12:28 PM, dramafreezone said:

It's tough to pull off.  I know a lot of single mothers have been through difficult, trying times.  My heart goes out to the women who are trying to do the best they can, but that doesn't make them good candidates for me to date, much less marry.  I have dated a couple of single mothers that are putting forth genuine effort to be happy though.

I can see your points there. I have an ex who thought I was a long shot saying similar things based on his past experiences. Then he realized I actually had my act together and he got to the point he was bringing up marriage.

 

Most single parents don't have their act together. I actually find it difficult to date a lot of them for the same reasons. But it's not the case for all of us. This is why I really suggest clarifying questions to see what the situation is before outright saying yes or no. The issue I find is people who haven't BDTD really don't know what to ask which is why I posted some things I would want to know dating a fellow single parent.

[LuckyM]

Would you rather have a LTR or marry a woman with 1 or more kids who become adults and be second or third priority in her life if she is into her kids lives. And take the risks with it maybe divorce.   OR. NEVER marry or have a ltr.  I took the latter and will be alone unhappily.  This may be your choice.   You want to be compared to her kids?  I don't. 

 

 

 

[ZA Dater]

Unfortunately the issue is how involved or not is the father of those kids in their lives, most of the time and this is going to sound terrible but many of the ladies I have met who are single mothers ended up with  ill suited guys to begin with. The level of bagged you are taking on can be considerable and you need to ask if this is worth it BUT I guess the chances of finding someone single 30+ with no kids is pretty remote really.

But I guess if you are after short term then perhaps a mother with kids might be ok.

[jspice]

 I hope all of you judging single mothers as is common to do on this board, come baggage free. 

[dramafreezone]

5 hours ago, jspice said:

 I hope all of you judging single mothers as is common to do on this board, come baggage free. 

We all judge to some extent.  And most of us have baggage, but all baggage doesn't weigh the same.

Dating is about trade-offs.  If a guy is potentially taking on someone else's kid (not to mention possible drama with the baby daddy) then what does he get for that?  It's really a risk/benefit analysis.

[ironpony]

On 4/18/2021 at 1:14 PM, ZA Dater said:

Unfortunately the issue is how involved or not is the father of those kids in their lives, most of the time and this is going to sound terrible but many of the ladies I have met who are single mothers ended up with  ill suited guys to begin with. The level of bagged you are taking on can be considerable and you need to ask if this is worth it BUT I guess the chances of finding someone single 30+ with no kids is pretty remote really.

But I guess if you are after short term then perhaps a mother with kids might be ok.

Well if I knew that so many women in their 30s would have kids by now, I would definitely taken marriage more seriously in my 20s. But let's say that even though I never wanted kids and I make the compromise to date a woman who has them?  Would it be better to date a woman who's kid are in their late teens then, compared to ones who's kids are under 10 still, or would that make a huge different I am guessing?

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, ironpony said:

  Would it be better to date a woman who's kid are in their late teens then, compared to ones who's kids are under 10 still, or would that make a huge different I am guessing?

Who knows? Each case is entirely different.
I get you want to increase your pool of women but it is a lot more complicated than that.
Do you even like kids? Are you prepared to be a step father?
Many will expect you to take an active role and ultimately provide for the family, can you do that?
Would you want to do that?

 

[ironpony]

I don't think I could do that or want to.  But I lost my one gf cause she didn't think I provided enough so maybe it's required in a relationship?

[Mysterio]

If the kids are close to 20.  Then I would feel a bit better about things.  If the kids are between 2-16.  I would be very weary about it.  I don't think I would chase a woman that has 3 kids or so.  The kids should come first.  

I look at myself.  In my head.  I should only be with a woman that is single and childless .   Thats just to be on the same level as she would be to me.  

[dangerous]

The problem with dating women with kids, who still live at home, is they will always come first.

Even if you are after casual dating, they will be unreliable: my kid needs me, I can't get a baby-sitter etc.

I'd avoid unless you get to know them through real life and build a strong connection gradually. 

PS: That's my experience. i have been open minded but it never worked.

Edited May 31, 2021 by dangerous

[dramafreezone]

I will kinda revise my answer to this, but not really.  In my last message I say that dating is about tradeoffs.  I have dated women with children, but as a guy if I'm getting involved with this woman I'm potentially dealing with the kid's father in the picture, so that's is a huge negative.   I think she would just have to be otherwise heads and shoulders above the average woman in terms of reliability, agreeableness, she would just have to be an absolute joy to be around to cancel out the negatives.

I think a major problem is that single mothers sometimes have a blind spot.  In their minds when they're dating they think they're the same woman that they were before their child and they're not.  They don't understand that even if they're still great looking, when men find out that they have a child that man is doing the calculus and it may sound callous or offensive, but downgrading her as a potential romantic interest.  I think single mothers that eventually do well dating understand where they stand and adjust to make themselves more desirable in other areas.  Those that make no changes or refuse to understand how differently they're viewed struggle mightily.

[ironpony]

Well I noticed that women who have kids are easier to get dates with it seems.  Why is this?  Is it because there are a lot of women with kids by the time they are in their 30s and that's why?  Or are women with kids just easier going in the dating world, and easier to date, compared to women without kids who are more of a challenge?

[chillii]

On 4/3/2021 at 5:03 AM, ironpony said:

Okay thanks for the advice so far, some good points.  Another thing is, I am on a couple of dating sites, and I noticed that in a city that is a few hours drive from mine, there seems to be more single women my age without kids possibly.  If this is true, that's strange, since the city is slightly smaller than the one I live in.  However, the city seems to be more, I guess you could say liberal, so are more liberal women in more liberal cities, more likely to not have kids in their 30s?

 

Yeah well that'd be why , it's pretty easy one and a different mentality. Country areas too , hard meeting a woman over 20 without at least one or two kids in a country area.

But nah no way it's not only about their emotional or bitter state from a guys point or view , or financial , those things just add to the very big stack . Not many guys wanna take on someone else's kids , or deal with ex's either for that matter. But another very very big one is if a guy hopes to have a family of he's own one day later on too wth would he take on a women with a tribe to other men already, no thanks.  Of course he'd by 1000 miles prefer they had their family together who wouldn't.

If your older and divorced or something though then yeah it becomes a whole nother story bc you'll probably both have kids anyway from your marriages so you'd expect her to have kids. For myself though after my divorce it was one kid ok , or no kids , but no more than one , no way known. My lady has only one son too, same as me.

 

 

 

 

Edited June 3, 2021 by chillii

[Donnas]

If you dont want kids,dont force it.

If in your area you cant find people with no kids, look harder or go outside of your area ,visit there and other places.

There are people that dont have and dont want kids.

Eventhou...its good for yourself to know why you dont want them.Because it can be lonely and hard when u get older.And have no kids to help you or look after you. And protect you.

[Daisydooks]

On 6/2/2021 at 10:06 PM, ironpony said:

Well I noticed that women who have kids are easier to get dates with it seems.  Why is this?  Is it because there are a lot of women with kids by the time they are in their 30s and that's why?  Or are women with kids just easier going in the dating world, and easier to date, compared to women without kids who are more of a challenge?

My best friend has said a few times "who wants a woman with 3 kids?" So I think she has downgraded herself and looks for less than optimal now because she feels she needs to settle. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

My neighbor is a lady who is helping her stepdad move. Her mom passed away. Her stepdad is elderly and is moving a great distance to be with his daughter.

Who is helping him every single day?  His stepdaughter.

Btw, this stepdaughter makes over six figures. She is cheerful, responsible, fantastic personality.  And she took three days off of work this week to put in ten hour days helping her stepfather pack so he can move.

Lucky for him he wasn't afraid to marry a woman who had three kids. His life has been enriched by her children.

Also, I know of many step parents whose lives have been enriched by their step kids.  Of course, there are situations where it's the opposite, the step kids have been a pain. I don't know anyone personally this has happened to but am sure it does.

Find a woman who has it together, IOW, she has been a wise parent, and chances are her children will be a delight. I know, I know, it's not a guarantee. But, it's often the case.

If you're dating women whose children are disrupting your R, chances are the mother has issues herself that would present in other ways than in her children, if she was childless.

Hang out around the kids. If they are normal well adjusted people, it says a lot for the parents, especially in this case, the mom.

It's actually another good way to evaluate the woman you're dating. If she seems wonderful but the kids are brats, you know she has some kind of issues herself that aren't showing up but would present later in the R.