Unhappily married

[Madxhatter]

I've been with my wife 15 years her ex was abusive, stole from her and her family and their kids. I'm the only father her kids have ever known yet they cling relentlessly to the man whose never given them anything but broken promises.

 

Add to that not that her kids are grown their almost as bad as their bio dad. Lying drugs abusing their mom even though theres alot of good times she forgets the bad and holds them all in higher esteem than me. Maybe I'm being selfish there I dunno.

Flash forward the past 8 years her health's declined and I'm the only one taking care of her. Giving her meds running errands talking to drs waiting on her hand and foot. We watch what she wants eat what and when she wants and my only me time is when shes asleep or I'm running errands. I haven't ever cheated but I find myself longing for someone to hug me listen to me respect me. If leave but I cant work because shes disabled I have no friends or family no money no car and shed likely die under anyone else's care. 

I'm not respected or appreciated I'd love to have someone else In my life to fulfill the emotional needs i have. Hell i haven't had sex but twice in the past 4 years masturbations all i have and that's been old years ago. Somedays I contemplate suicide I just feel trapped and unloved made worse by having no one to talk to. 

[d0nnivain]

I feel for you & you sound like a compassionate guy who is getting the short end of the stick.  That said, I believe marital vows mean something.  You promised for better or worse and in sickness & in health.  Unfortunately you got sickness & worse.  

Caregiver burn out is a real thing & you are there.  

Let's talk about the things you can control.  

1.  Talk to her.  Tell her you are exhausted & you need some cooperation.  Once in a while you'd like to watch what you want & from now on meals will be at your convenience & on your schedule.  Do have some easy things in the house like fruit or a casserole that can be heated up quickly if she needs food immediately or doesn't want to eat when you are eating because her illness is disrupting her digestion.  

2.  You say you can't work because she's disabled.  That doesn't make sense.  Everybody's working from home these days.  What did you do for work before she got sick?   If your only skills require you to work in person, talk to your wife & get her to force the kids to be part-time care givers while you earn money.   If your wife is so disabled that she can't be left alone at all, perhaps it's time to consider putting her in a nursing home. 

3.  Make some friends in the neighborhood.  Invite a neighbor over to visit or for dinner.  Maybe you can turn that person into a back up support system in case of emergency so you can go to work.  

4.  Look into getting some respite care so that you have a few hours off from caring for your wife each week.  If she's not that bad, you can go to work & somebody can come in 1-2 hours each day to check on her.  

Please do not kill yourself.  Look into getting therapy.  There are telehealth appointments available.  Also connect with a caregiver support group.  You need an outlet for your burnout & the group may be a place where you can make friends.  Be careful of the other women you find in the group.  You don't want to become a cheater.  That will make things worse.  

[mark clemson]

It sounds like one of those situations where there are no easy answers. Is there a way you can improve your relationship with her? If not, unfortunately there are some life situations where you get to be selfish (leaving, cheating) or selfless (sticking it out) and there isn't much middle ground.

In case you need someone to talk to on the suicide issue, there is a list of hotlines (link below). You also might want to look into any local ones that may be available JIC you feel the need to call someone at some point. While you're at it, consider checking there are any support/volunteer organizations that might be able to e.g. provide food, some level of care-giving, or similar support for you. If/when you both get vaccinated, you could consider if there is e.g. a community center or similar where you or she could spend some time, make some friends, etc.

 

 

Edited April 1, 2021 by mark clemson

[Madxhatter]

I understand the better or worse part some days are better than others at this point I'm feeling the burn. When she got sick is when I got to heat and see just where I stand on the hierarchy of importance below her kids who mistreat her and neglect her. Most days I just feel like a caretaker or roommate. I wouldn't mind this all so bad if there was some respect associated with it. 

Example I've been fighting off something like the flu for almost a month now. Despite me feeling sick I've had to go get her fast food when we have plenty at home and she knows I'll cook anything at home. 

As for working I cant because if I make more than 80.00 a month she loses her disability and insurance. It's a crap law I'm effectively punished because I fell in love with someone who became disabled early in life. 

Our neighbors are too old to care for her in my stead. As I mentioned I've nowhere else to be if we did have someone close. 

The loneliness is all encompassing some times. I'm not a social person by any means but I am still a man and do miss an affectionate touch. 

[Wiseman2]

5 hours ago, Madxhatter said:

As for working I cant because if I make more than 80.00 a month she loses her disability and insurance. 

Are you both living off her disability insurance?. 

If you are a full time caretaker, can you be compensated?

 

[Madxhatter]

Yes we both live off her disability benefits. Sadly the only way I can get compensated for my efforts is If I wasn't married to her and didnt live with her I could be compensated. Theres no programs In tn that would aid me financially at least not without jeopardizing her insurance.