innocent flirting or something more

[penguins1010]

I have been feeling very tense about a situation. First off I am a woman and I am married to a woman. Before I meet my wife she had a fling with a woman who is bisexual. The other lady was married at the time and I guess her husband was okay with this. I tried to not give it much thought because this happened before I even knew her and I didn't feel like it concerned me. And she never tried to hide it from me. This was around 4 years ago. My wife and I have been married almost 3 years now.

Fast forward to today. Recently I have noticed that this girl has been liking everything my wife posts to Facebook. I looked at her page because curiosity got the best of me and I have noticed my wife has been liking everything on her page as well. Mainly selfies that she posts trying to look hot. What really got me though is she had posted one of those memes that said something about wanting people to post pictures they have with her in them. My wife replied with a wow face emoji and underneath that the girl posted a laughing emoji. I know that this is referring to a pic they took several years ago when they were in bed together. It has just been eating away at me and I don't know how to bring it up her. I'm sure I will be at fault in her eyes because I was looking at this girls page. But my gut just didn't and doesn't feel right. I don't think they have seen each other or anything like that. But I still find this very inappropriate. My question is how should I address this situation? Or should I just let it go? I hate feeling like this. We are in our 40's and this seems very silly to me. We have an almost 3 year old daughter, a nice house, I am a stable person with a stable job that I have been in for 21 years now. Why would she risk everything for something so childish?

[NYAG]

7 minutes ago, penguins1010 said:

I have been feeling very tense about a situation. First off I am a woman and I am married to a woman. Before I meet my wife she had a fling with a woman who is bisexual. The other lady was married at the time and I guess her husband was okay with this. I tried to not give it much thought because this happened before I even knew her and I didn't feel like it concerned me. And she never tried to hide it from me. This was around 4 years ago. My wife and I have been married almost 3 years now.

Fast forward to today. Recently I have noticed that this girl has been liking everything my wife posts to Facebook. I looked at her page because curiosity got the best of me and I have noticed my wife has been liking everything on her page as well. Mainly selfies that she posts trying to look hot. What really got me though is she had posted one of those memes that said something about wanting people to post pictures they have with her in them. My wife replied with a wow face emoji and underneath that the girl posted a laughing emoji. I know that this is referring to a pic they took several years ago when they were in bed together. It has just been eating away at me and I don't know how to bring it up her. I'm sure I will be at fault in her eyes because I was looking at this girls page. But my gut just didn't and doesn't feel right. I don't think they have seen each other or anything like that. But I still find this very inappropriate. My question is how should I address this situation? Or should I just let it go? I hate feeling like this. We are in our 40's and this seems very silly to me. We have an almost 3 year old daughter, a nice house, I am a stable person with a stable job that I have been in for 21 years now. Why would she risk everything for something so childish?

I struggle with stuff like this so my cynical response may be worth nothing at all. As soon as my trust is broken it's game over for me. It's just the way I am wired and the way my past experiences have shaped me. What does your gut instinct tell you? Go with that. It's how you feel. You don't have to settle.

[penguins1010]

Thank you. I feel like even if nothing physical becomes of this it is still very inappropriate. I'm not trying to tell her who or who not to talk to. But I don't see any positives of her communicating with this girl. It makes me feel very sad and disrespected. 

[NYAG]

1 minute ago, penguins1010 said:

Thank you. I feel like even if nothing physical becomes of this it is still very inappropriate. I'm not trying to tell her who or who not to talk to. But I don't see any positives of her communicating with this girl. It makes me feel very sad and disrespected. 

Infidelity doesn't have to just be sexual. It depends on the boundaries of your relationship. If it makes you feel like that, then it's overstepped the mark and it must be addressed. It will eat away at you otherwise. Face it head on. If you don't think the response is satisfactory, consider your options.

[d0nnivain]

The nature of their prior relationship makes this problematic.  It's why, IMO, when people break up they need to disconnect because even if they  can manage a friendship with the EX, the EX's presence in their lives makes their new SO uncomfortable. 

Admit to your wife that her friendship with this woman hurts your feelings.  Admit to being jealous.  Seriously . . . spell it out so your wife knows how much this hurts & how raw it makes you feel.  Ask your wife what she's willing to do to make you more comfortable & to feel more cherished, like you are the most important woman in her life. 

If your wife doesn't automatically agree to dial back her interactions with this other woman, you may have a problem on your hands.  If your wife tries to flip it around & gaslight you for being "controlling" you definitely have a problem.  If it's only social media be a little softer in your approach here but do not sit & stew, making yourself more & more upset. 

Perhaps you too can make comment or two on the woman's page just so she had a sense that you know about the interactions.  I'm envisioning that under your wife's "like' you write, "I'm so glad my wife likes your picture".  Depending on safety & some other issues, maybe you & your wife can have this woman & her husband over for dinner. Then you can see them interact & mark your territory so to speak.  For all you know the husband knows nothing about the real nature of the friendship so the possibility that an explanation will be required will be enough to make her back off. 

[smackie9]

I agree you will just have to have that conversation about how inappropriate their interaction is, and how it bothers you. Ask her how would she feel if you were doing this with an ex lover. Usually it makes them snap out of it, and realize how this behavior isn't right and that it is hurtful.

Edited April 1, 2021 by smackie9

[glows]

4 hours ago, penguins1010 said:

I'm sure I will be at fault in her eyes because I was looking at this girls page. 

Why do you say that? Try having that conversation with her. Both of you are married and should be able to communicate. If nothing else, do try communicating. The situation won't just go away on its own, nor your discomfort. If it's that pressing or upsetting to you she should know it's distressing to you. 

[penguins1010]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Why do you say that? Try having that conversation with her. Both of you are married and should be able to communicate. If nothing else, do try communicating. The situation won't just go away on its own, nor your discomfort. If it's that pressing or upsetting to you she should know it's distressing to you. 

That is the main problem. If I try to communicate she just stonewalls me. Which I know is a problem in itself. It's like do I rock the boat and hopefully I am heard this time, or will it make my life 100 times more stressful.

[glows]

4 minutes ago, penguins1010 said:

That is the main problem. If I try to communicate she just stonewalls me. Which I know is a problem in itself. It's like do I rock the boat and hopefully I am heard this time, or will it make my life 100 times more stressful.

If that's the case you've got bigger problems than this other woman. Has the stonewalling always been the case? This is a sign of disrespect and lots of resentment. 

[NYAG]

18 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

The nature of their prior relationship makes this problematic.  It's why, IMO, when people break up they need to disconnect because even if they  can manage a friendship with the EX, the EX's presence in their lives makes their new SO uncomfortable. 

Admit to your wife that her friendship with this woman hurts your feelings.  Admit to being jealous.  Seriously . . . spell it out so your wife knows how much this hurts & how raw it makes you feel.  Ask your wife what she's willing to do to make you more comfortable & to feel more cherished, like you are the most important woman in her life. 

If your wife doesn't automatically agree to dial back her interactions with this other woman, you may have a problem on your hands.  If your wife tries to flip it around & gaslight you for being "controlling" you definitely have a problem.  If it's only social media be a little softer in your approach here but do not sit & stew, making yourself more & more upset. 

Perhaps you too can make comment or two on the woman's page just so she had a sense that you know about the interactions.  I'm envisioning that under your wife's "like' you write, "I'm so glad my wife likes your picture".  Depending on safety & some other issues, maybe you & your wife can have this woman & her husband over for dinner. Then you can see them interact & mark your territory so to speak.  For all you know the husband knows nothing about the real nature of the friendship so the possibility that an explanation will be required will be enough to make her back off. 

All of this. Great advice!

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, penguins1010 said:

That is the main problem. If I try to communicate she just stonewalls me. Which I know is a problem in itself. It's like do I rock the boat and hopefully I am heard this time, or will it make my life 100 times more stressful.

Then maybe it's time to head off to MC so you both learn to communicate better.  Part of communication is being heard.  

[smackie9]

11 hours ago, penguins1010 said:

That is the main problem. If I try to communicate she just stonewalls me. Which I know is a problem in itself. It's like do I rock the boat and hopefully I am heard this time, or will it make my life 100 times more stressful.

the-four-horsemen-recognizing-criticism-contempt-defensiveness-and-stonewalling/

Note: I am not promoting this particular site. I just like the simplicity in how they describe, and give a solution in a short video.

Edited April 2, 2021 by smackie9

[penguins1010]

Didn't work out so well. I'm sleeping on the couch now. And I'm insane for checking the girls page. 

[glows]

42 minutes ago, penguins1010 said:

Didn't work out so well. I'm sleeping on the couch now. And I'm insane for checking the girls page. 

What did you say? If there was nothing going on between them, why would you be sleeping on the couch or why would she be so defensive?

[penguins1010]

I asked her a couple of times if there was someone else. She said I must have a guilty conscience to ask that. So I told her what I was referring to and she got angry that I would look that person up. She said she was just being funny and I didn't have any right to do that.

Fast forward to yesterday morning she got texts very early from a guy she used to go out to dinner with before me. I know I am wrong for doing this, but I looked at the texts. They weren't sexual but he was offering to pay for things that she needed done and saying how if he had the time he would be there to do it for her. I've never meet this man. She never tells me much about him. But yet they talk almost daily. He is about 15 years older than her.

So now I am on the couch and she won't say a word to me. I honestly think I would rather her scream at me then to act like I don't even exist anymore. It hurts.

[NYAG]

16 hours ago, penguins1010 said:

I asked her a couple of times if there was someone else. She said I must have a guilty conscience to ask that. So I told her what I was referring to and she got angry that I would look that person up. She said she was just being funny and I didn't have any right to do that.

Fast forward to yesterday morning she got texts very early from a guy she used to go out to dinner with before me. I know I am wrong for doing this, but I looked at the texts. They weren't sexual but he was offering to pay for things that she needed done and saying how if he had the time he would be there to do it for her. I've never meet this man. She never tells me much about him. But yet they talk almost daily. He is about 15 years older than her.

So now I am on the couch and she won't say a word to me. I honestly think I would rather her scream at me then to act like I don't even exist anymore. It hurts.

If there's nothing going on a) why did she flip it back to you as the one with the guilty conscience and b) why is she getting angry with you rather than not just allaying your fears. You're seeing texts. You're looking for evidence. Having been in relationships like this in the past I would run a mile if I started finding myself doing this behaviour again because it's a clear sign something has gone wrong in the relationship and the trust has gone. You're being made out to be the problem in this, and you're not and that, perhaps, is more of a worry than the evidence you have found.

[glows]

On 4/7/2021 at 10:37 AM, penguins1010 said:

I asked her a couple of times if there was someone else. She said I must have a guilty conscience to ask that. So I told her what I was referring to and she got angry that I would look that person up. She said she was just being funny and I didn't have any right to do that.

Fast forward to yesterday morning she got texts very early from a guy she used to go out to dinner with before me. I know I am wrong for doing this, but I looked at the texts. They weren't sexual but he was offering to pay for things that she needed done and saying how if he had the time he would be there to do it for her. I've never meet this man. She never tells me much about him. But yet they talk almost daily. He is about 15 years older than her.

So now I am on the couch and she won't say a word to me. I honestly think I would rather her scream at me then to act like I don't even exist anymore. It hurts.

I think both of you need a serious heart to heart. I don't mean asking if there's someone else either. I'm meaning letting her know that you are not happy in the marriage and listing the reasons why. I don't think you should be too passive about it. Let her know what's not working for you and what you're looking for in a partner. Both of you may have to come to some sort of agreement (or not) on whether you care enough about the marriage or each other to keep things going in a more respectful or inclusive (communicative) way. You'll have to be prepared for the worst. If you stay, consider your future and your child's future. 

Also consider what kind of mother and wife she is. If she shows you that she's a good mother and wife and is there for you when you need her or if you both communicate well in other ways, think of those too. She may genuinely be irritated that you're suspicious of her behaviour. Both of you may have very different/incompatible views to certain friendships while in a committed relationship. 

You both took a vow so it's best to figure out what that means to the both of you. One thing I did with my spouse before we finally decided to part was was to review what our vows meant to each other and what our future goals were or life was to look like. 

If there's continued lack of respect or just not enough in agreement from the way you approach different people in your lives to other big fundamental issues, there is no shame in going your separate ways. People will find all kinds of ways to blame you or judge you or look down on you but you pick what's right for you and don't let yourself be bullied into living miserably.

 

 

 

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by glows

[Wiseman2]

On 4/7/2021 at 1:37 PM, penguins1010 said:

. She never tells me much about him. But yet they talk almost daily. 

Is she bi?

[Crazelnut]

Those texts are NOT okay. Do not let her make you feel bad for being concerned. The fact that she disrespects you and your marriage is an issue that needs to be dealt with, preferably with a MC. 

[penguins1010]

On 4/8/2021 at 11:49 PM, glows said:

I think both of you need a serious heart to heart. I don't mean asking if there's someone else either. I'm meaning letting her know that you are not happy in the marriage and listing the reasons why. I don't think you should be too passive about it. Let her know what's not working for you and what you're looking for in a partner. Both of you may have to come to some sort of agreement (or not) on whether you care enough about the marriage or each other to keep things going in a more respectful or inclusive (communicative) way. You'll have to be prepared for the worst. If you stay, consider your future and your child's future. 

Also consider what kind of mother and wife she is. If she shows you that she's a good mother and wife and is there for you when you need her or if you both communicate well in other ways, think of those too. She may genuinely be irritated that you're suspicious of her behaviour. Both of you may have very different/incompatible views to certain friendships while in a committed relationship. 

You both took a vow so it's best to figure out what that means to the both of you. One thing I did with my spouse before we finally decided to part was was to review what our vows meant to each other and what our future goals were or life was to look like. 

If there's continued lack of respect or just not enough in agreement from the way you approach different people in your lives to other big fundamental issues, there is no shame in going your separate ways. People will find all kinds of ways to blame you or judge you or look down on you but you pick what's right for you and don't let yourself be bullied into living miserably.

 

 

 

 

It even gets weirder. We were getting our daughter a playset/swingset for her birthday. She told me she ordered it about a month ago. Well it came in last week and I found out the man that was texting her paid for it. That is why he was sending her texts early that morning. The thing cost $1700. I asked why she would hide that information from me and why would a friend shell out that kind of money. She said she hid it because I would get angry, and that he paid for it because his business has really taken off. This man is like 15 years older than her. She meet him several years ago at a running club she is in. I just don't find this appropriate in any way. And besides the fact that she didn't buy it, this thing is just way to much for a soon to be 3 year old. I just feel like we are not only on separate pages but totally different books. I think our daughter should have what we can afford. Not some man I don't even know buying things for her. She even told me I should be happy that he is doing this for us. But I'm not and I can't even wrap my head around it. I either have to deal with it or move on. We are just to different and I don't feel like I will never be able to talk to her. 

[glows]

9 minutes ago, penguins1010 said:

It even gets weirder. We were getting our daughter a playset/swingset for her birthday. She told me she ordered it about a month ago. Well it came in last week and I found out the man that was texting her paid for it. That is why he was sending her texts early that morning. The thing cost $1700. I asked why she would hide that information from me and why would a friend shell out that kind of money. She said she hid it because I would get angry, and that he paid for it because his business has really taken off. This man is like 15 years older than her. She meet him several years ago at a running club she is in. I just don't find this appropriate in any way. And besides the fact that she didn't buy it, this thing is just way to much for a soon to be 3 year old. I just feel like we are not only on separate pages but totally different books. I think our daughter should have what we can afford. Not some man I don't even know buying things for her. She even told me I should be happy that he is doing this for us. But I'm not and I can't even wrap my head around it. I either have to deal with it or move on. We are just to different and I don't feel like I will never be able to talk to her. 

I'm sorry to hear this. There is too much resentment under the surface. Hiding information for fear of another person is only one layer, upon other layers of dysfunction. if you're both not open to marriage counselling, I don't think this marriage will work.  

[vla1120]

At first I was going to mention that, instead of asking her whether there was someone else (therefore, making her defensive right off the bat), I would have simply told her that I think it is disrespectful to me and to our marriage to be communicating with an ex, unless she wants to introduce this woman and her husband to you and include you in the friendship. Now, she's also communicating with this other man outside your marriage and he's buying expensive gifts. Add to that, she's gaslighting you and accusing you of being insane for questioning her.

If the two of you cannot communicate about this, or if she refuses to be receptive, I would recommend marriage counseling. When you do try to talk to her, don't accuse or question her motives. Instead, explain to her how her actions make you feel. There are ways to deal with stonewalling, and learning about the four horsemen is a good place to start. 

 

[Crazelnut]

I'm gonna be blunt. You are being played, and your wife is (at best) leading on a man (who wants to have sex with her) in exchange for stuff. At worst, she's actually having sex with him, and he's buying her stuff. That is called prostitution.

How can you be ok with this?? You need to put your foot down. She must stop chatting/texting with them. She must stop accepting gifts from them. If not, you need to walk. You are being lied to, my friend.

[penguins1010]

1 hour ago, Crazelnut said:

I'm gonna be blunt. You are being played, and your wife is (at best) leading on a man (who wants to have sex with her) in exchange for stuff. At worst, she's actually having sex with him, and he's buying her stuff. That is called prostitution.

How can you be ok with this?? You need to put your foot down. She must stop chatting/texting with them. She must stop accepting gifts from them. If not, you need to walk. You are being lied to, my friend.

You are right. I don't think they are having sex. But I do feel like she is leading them on at least emotionally. I don't care how much money someone has, they don't just buy things like that. It makes me wonder if every other expensive thing she has comes from these guys as well. I think she needs the admiration of these other people. She stays friends, at least on social media, with all of her exes. She likes to be popular and to get likes. She loves to get free things. I think she just wants me around for stability and pictures. I feel so let down.

Edited April 15, 2021 by penguins1010

[Crazelnut]

^^^ So what are you going to do about it?