Alvi Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, IrisZion said: He's already so stressed and unhappy. Me backing out will cause him more unhappiness. I don't want to treat him unkindly when he's only been nice to me Then ignore every single red flag about him and forget about your own happiness. Go marry him and have three kids with him just so that he can be happy. Kidding. But really, it's only been three dates. He cannot be that attached to you at this point, and if he is, then there is another red flag. You don't owe him anything at this point. You are not doing him any favors by pretending to like him just because you are afraid to hurt him. Pretty sure he'll bounce back. You sound like a compassionate person who puts the needs of another person ahead of your own. Good for you. But don't be afraid to end things with any guy if you don't see a future with him. Don't stay with a guy just because you feel sorry for him. It is perfectly fine to put yourself first when it comes to your own happiness. Edited May 9, 2021 by Alvi more stuff to write 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 9, 2021 Share Posted May 9, 2021 (edited) 1 hour ago, IrisZion said: He's already so stressed and unhappy. Me backing out will cause him more unhappiness. I don't want to treat him unkindly when he's only been nice to me I think you are over-estimating your importance to him, Iris. You two hardly know each other. It's not kind to date someone only because you feel obligated. Edited May 9, 2021 by ExpatInItaly Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 19 hours ago, IrisZion said: He's already so stressed and unhappy. Me backing out will cause him more unhappiness. I don't want to treat him unkindly when he's only been nice to me So you will date him out of pity. That should make him feel better. Right? It will suck for him but he'll survive. He left his country and everyone behind to build a new life there, you are not his first hardship or his last. Link to post Share on other sites
Author IrisZion Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 3 hours ago, Gaeta said: So you will date him out of pity. That should make him feel better. Right? It will suck for him but he'll survive. He left his country and everyone behind to build a new life there, you are not his first hardship or his last. Not pity. I like him and I think we have a good chemistry. But I do feel bad for him and he's already struggling so I don't want to add fuel to the fire. I feel like I can help him in career/other ways so don't want to leave Link to post Share on other sites
Author IrisZion Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 22 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: I think you are over-estimating your importance to him, Iris. You two hardly know each other. It's not kind to date someone only because you feel obligated. Now we know a lot about each other. Surprisingly he can speak English and his accent seems to have improved a bit. He told me he was trying to better his English just so that we could talk. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 (edited) 8 minutes ago, IrisZion said: Not pity. I like him and I think we have a good chemistry. But I do feel bad for him and he's already struggling so I don't want to add fuel to the fire. I feel like I can help him in career/other ways so don't want to leave It’ll hurt him more in the long run. You’re not doing him any favors. Unless you plan on staying with him for the rest of your life just to not upset him. His emotional stability/career is not your responsibility. If you don’t want to date him, your responsibility is to let him know sooner rather than later, so he can go through the process and move on. And chances 99% he will Edited May 10, 2021 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author IrisZion Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 (edited) 22 hours ago, Alvi said: Then ignore every single red flag about him and forget about your own happiness. Go marry him and have three kids with him just so that he can be happy. Kidding. But really, it's only been three dates. He cannot be that attached to you at this point, and if he is, then there is another red flag. You don't owe him anything at this point. You are not doing him any favors by pretending to like him just because you are afraid to hurt him. Pretty sure he'll bounce back. You sound like a compassionate person who puts the needs of another person ahead of your own. Good for you. But don't be afraid to end things with any guy if you don't see a future with him. Don't stay with a guy just because you feel sorry for him. It is perfectly fine to put yourself first when it comes to your own happiness. I do admit I don't see a romantic future for sure. A future as best friends or good friends? Sure. But as romantic partners, I don't see this lasting more than a few months or year at max as we are on different routes. He does seem a bit clingy as when we met in the park, he looked so upset (his hours have been cut a lot) and he came straight into my arms and had a mental breakdown. He also said the only reason he was feeling better at his job was seeing me and this whole feeling of crushing otherwise he would prefer being drunk at work than being normal. He also wants to hold hands which I wasn't fond of as it was too early. But he ultimately said something along how much he admires me in Italian and Spanish, kissed my hand and held it throughout the evening while we strolled. Then selfies and pics. I'm surprised he hasn't hinted something sexual as I was expecting. He also mentioned that he's not full Spanish but half Italian and is more connected to his Italian roots as he was raised by his mom who is Sicilian. Edited May 10, 2021 by IrisZion Link to post Share on other sites
Author IrisZion Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 10 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: It’ll hurt him more in the long run. You’re not doing him any favors. Unless you plan on staying with him for the rest of your life just not upset him. His emotional stability/career is not your responsibility. If you don’t want to date him, your responsibility is to let him know sooner rather than later, so he can go through the process and move on. And chances 99% he will He has been really sweet to me. From the things he did in the shop to now, he brought me flowers, earrings, a card with his feelings written, gave me the full packet of hot chocolate powder from his shop as I love soya hot chocolate, is very gentle with me and I see so much longing and affection in his eyes that I can't seem to gain the courage to tell him this. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 (edited) 6 minutes ago, IrisZion said: He has been really sweet to me. From the things he did in the shop to now, he brought me flowers, earrings, a card with his feelings written, gave me the full packet of hot chocolate powder from his shop as I love soya hot chocolate, is very gentle with me and I see so much longing and affection in his eyes that I can't seem to gain the courage to tell him this. Girl I get it, it’s hard. I think this is an instance you can just just text him a nice explanation on why it won’t work, block him, then find a new place for your hot Chocolate. No confrontation needed. Edited May 10, 2021 by Cookiesandough Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 5 minutes ago, IrisZion said: is very gentle with me and I see so much longing and affection in his eyes that I can't seem to gain the courage to tell him this. It's that Italian blood of his speaking, he'll be fine! Link to post Share on other sites
Author IrisZion Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 5 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It's that Italian blood of his speaking, he'll be fine! What do you mean by Italian blood of his speaking? Link to post Share on other sites
Author IrisZion Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 6 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Girl I get it, it’s hard. I think this is an instance you can just just text him a nice explanation on why it won’t work, block him, then find a new place for your hot Chocolate. No confrontation needed. I think I ll keep this on as a friendship? Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 1 minute ago, IrisZion said: I think I ll keep this on as a friendship? Only if he’s 100% clear that you only want that and vice versa. Won’t that make things more awkward and difficult if you suspect he likes you? I’d feel too much like I was taking advantage for some cocoa powder Link to post Share on other sites
Author IrisZion Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 19 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Only if he’s 100% clear that you only want that and vice versa. Won’t that make things more awkward and difficult if you suspect he likes you? I’d feel too much like I was taking advantage for some cocoa powder No I don't want anything from him. Just him as a friend would be nice Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 2 minutes ago, IrisZion said: No I don't want anything from him. Just him as a friend would be nice But do you think he wants to be your friend or something else? Gotta consider what he wants as well Link to post Share on other sites
Author IrisZion Posted May 10, 2021 Author Share Posted May 10, 2021 11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: But do you think he wants to be your friend or something else? Gotta consider what he wants as well He wants to be my boyfriend. I'm not sure how he will react to being my friend. All that staring is obviously not simply friendly right Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 8 minutes ago, IrisZion said: He wants to be my boyfriend. I'm not sure how he will react to being my friend. All that staring is obviously not simply friendly right Listen, when people part ways it's always the one that loves less that wants to remain friends. If you don't want to hurt this guy then tell him you're not feeling it and do him a HUGE favor block him and move on. Do not play friends, that would be cruel to him as he wants more. You want to be kind to him? don't play friends! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted May 10, 2021 Share Posted May 10, 2021 Sorry I probably should have read through more of the thread but I only read the OP and the last few posts. I don’t think staring in and of it’s self means as much as the earrings and the declaration of his feelings. Based on that it seems like he does not want to be just friends. I would guess he either wants to have sex with you or date you. To be kind, I would tell him that you appreciate his interest, but you only want to be friends and go from there . Shut down anything to contrary so you don’t lead him on. If he’s a hot Latin guy, I’m sure he’ll be just fine 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted May 11, 2021 Share Posted May 11, 2021 10 hours ago, IrisZion said: No I don't want anything from him. Just him as a friend would be nice Then you need to be honest and tell him this. Link to post Share on other sites
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