I can't save my dad.

[Saorla]

Long story short - my dad has a lot of debts he is running away from and not even planning on paying back, no savings and no property. Luckily he has a job right now, but he often goes through prolonged periods of unemployement, mostly because we won't take jobs he is overqualified for (he's a site manager). 

What's worse than that, he has been on Xanax since last July and shows no signs of planning to stop. Started taking it because he has panic attacks connected to his financial state. A cherry on the top is his relationship with a selfish, toxic, golddigging woman who comes back to him everytime he has money again. She is of course a lot younger than him and leaves after she screws my dad over. He always swears he won't take her back but he always does and his mental state gets worse each time she leaves him. 

Me and my dad used to live abroad for many years. I moved back home a year ago and managed to convince my dad to move back as well and start his life anew. He never had any luck abroad. But that didn't last and he eventually ended up moving abroad again. His golddigging trashbag woman came right back to him when he got a site manager job again and now, instead of paying off his debts or saving up to buy property, he's supporting her and buying her fancy things. Again. Just this time he's also addicted to Xanax. 

My words always falls through, he doesn't hear me or he hears me for a little while and then continues on his way. As you understand, me and the rest of the family are the ones to weather his storms when he's in trouble. I love my dad very much and despite him being unable to fix his own life, we get along pretty well, he often calls me and when we were living in the same country we used to do a lot of things together. I even forgave that he cheated on my mom and left her although I had a lot of repressed anger about that right after their divorce. 

But I know that I cannot save him from his destructive path. Can't force him pay off his debts, save money, stop taking xanax and leave that woman for good. My question is how to make peace with that? When we laugh and joke and he's just being my cute little dad, my heart is breaking at the same time. I always have his actions at the back of my mind. 

Would appreciate some words of comfort here. I really tried to help him, both financially and speaking against what he does, trying to convince him to changr his ways, but I have now realised that I can't. I can't control an adult. Also, for many years I felt like a parent instead of a child. 

[LivingWaterPlease]

You have already taken the first step you need to take in that you realize you can't save your dad.  Period. He seems to have an addictive personality and he's the only one who can deal with it, if/when he's ready to do so.

You'd be surprised to learn of the percentage of the population who has had to come to terms with a parent who is a disappointment to them in big and/or little ways.

In your place I would forge my own pathway, as it seems you're doing. And enjoy the qualities about your dad that you treasure, such as his good-natured personality.

And if you're a prayerful person, pray for your dad. God works wonders with people but it takes time. It most likely won't happen suddenly or within the first years you begin to pray for him. But, if you pray for him consistently and daily, you will find that he'll change. God works strategically in a person's life and it takes time for the strategy to come to fruition.

[d0nnivain]

You are his child & it's hard when a parent makes decisions.  Alas you can't protect people from themselves.  Love him from afar but don't do anything that makes you disavow your own morals / sensibilities.  

[ShyViolet]

You are absolutely right.  You can't save him, you can't force him to make responsible choices and fix his life, you can't talk sense into him.  Understanding that is the first step.  You absolutely can't control other people.  Let go of this need for control, or this sense that his life is your responsibility.  He's been alive a lot longer than you and he is going to live his life the way he lives it.  He'll drag you down with him if you make his problems YOUR problems.  Maintain boundaries and let go of the need to control.

[glows]

It's empowering to continue to create your own path despite disappointments. Seeing any family member fumble is hard, whether young or old. Leave moments to grieve and feel sad, shed a tear, release that hurt and then come back to your own life and your own truth. 

Extremes like pushing away hurt or disappointment aren't great in the long run so accept the hurt and give yourself that time to feel and then be reminded that you have your life to live. Make it count and live each day to the fullest.