Lost love

[mortensorchid]

Do you think that there is a One for everyone?  And if so, do you have the knowledge, intelligence, etc.  to know if and when you see them?  I keep thinking that someday, somehow it can and will happen but it never does.  There is lust of course, but at my age I know the difference between that and something deeper.  

There are times I think about my high school sweetheart - first love, we were together for four years (most of it was him away at college for two of them then the last year I was away as well and we grew apart).  He was a good guy but we were not mature enough and we both needed to grow and change.  Well... All the guys I have been with as adults have all been disappointments.  Why?  They were guys in rock bands.  And I realized that fact alone does not make them bad guys but they turned out to not be good people to begin with.

It's so frustrating to not ever meet a decent man.  I feel like the only one who can't.  Needed to vent rather than cry, because I have in the past.  And then I realized that someone said to me that I will never marry or have children.   Children didn't happen for me but I am okay with that.  And I still cry thinking of the love of my life who left 15 years ago and I'll never love anyone ever again as much as I did him... 

[Angelle]

I don't know. I don't have a "one". I have a sort-of one, but we're even more different than we were a decade ago. My parents re-married after being divorced for a decade, and one of my uncles re-married his first wife, after his second wife died. They weren't the happiest, from what I've heard, but she the mum of his grown children, and now they seem to be over the moon to be back together. She considers him to be the love of her life. 

Edited April 2, 2021 by Angelle

[mortensorchid]

I am just frustrated as all hell.  I feel like I have given up or the world has given up on me.  And people do nothing but give me pats on the head and say "there there".  And nothing ever changes. 

[glows]

I don't believe in 'the One'. It's a lot of burden to place on an ordinary person who will undoubtedly also make mistakes and cause disappointments along the way. I prefer a more realistic approach where two people respect each other to make it work and respect each other enough also to go their separate ways if it is not working. 

 

[Angelle]

59 minutes ago, mortensorchid said:

I am just frustrated as all hell.  I feel like I have given up or the world has given up on me.  And people do nothing but give me pats on the head and say "there there".  And nothing ever changes. 

I am, too. 

[Keridan]

I think there could easily be a mix of personalities that makes someone feel like the one. You just gotta find someone who not only blows your mind, but makes you comfortable. There are many options out there in a world of 7 billion.

[MeadowFlower]

3 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Do you think that there is a One for everyone?  

It's so frustrating to not ever meet a decent man.  I feel like the only one who can't.  Needed to vent rather than cry, because I have in the past.  And then I realized that someone said to me that I will never marry or have children.   Children didn't happen for me but I am okay with that.  

Nope. I don't believe that there is a 'one' for everyone. I'm probably not the best person to ask though. But it is true that not everyone ends up with someone. I have little faith in a guy being interested in me for a life-time relationship. I don't have a lot of faith in their loyalty, commitment and yea interest in me. 

I don't mind not being able to have children, as I don't want children anyway. 

 

[basil67]

Are you talking about a pre-designated One or someone who you meet who suits you perfectly?

[Weezy1973]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Are you talking about a pre-designated One or someone who you meet who suits you perfectly?

Even being suited to someone “perfectly” isn’t realistic, especially if you meet in your 30s or later. Nobody was designed to be put on the planet for our happiness.  

[Alpacalia]

Rosy retrospection.

Someone with whom you had a good connection and fond memories, but who didn't work out for you.

11 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

There are times I think about my high school sweetheart - first love, we were together for four years (most of it was him away at college for two of them then the last year I was away as well and we grew apart). 

 

[notbroken]

You keep shopping in the same place and are surprised when you get the same products.    Seriously, mix it up and don't go with a band member next time.  If you want something different then do something different.   There are decent men out there (and women).      

[understand50]

11 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Do you think that there is a One for everyone?  And if so, do you have the knowledge, intelligence, etc.  to know if and when you see them?  I keep thinking that someday, somehow it can and will happen but it never does.  There is lust of course, but at my age I know the difference between that and something deeper.  

There are times I think about my high school sweetheart - first love, we were together for four years (most of it was him away at college for two of them then the last year I was away as well and we grew apart).  He was a good guy but we were not mature enough and we both needed to grow and change.  Well... All the guys I have been with as adults have all been disappointments.  Why?  They were guys in rock bands.  And I realized that fact alone does not make them bad guys but they turned out to not be good people to begin with.

It's so frustrating to not ever meet a decent man.  I feel like the only one who can't.  Needed to vent rather than cry, because I have in the past.  And then I realized that someone said to me that I will never marry or have children.   Children didn't happen for me but I am okay with that.  And I still cry thinking of the love of my life who left 15 years ago and I'll never love anyone ever again as much as I did him... 

ok,

You seem to be one of those women, who have made many bad choices in men, and then wonder why you can not attract a "good" man.  You point out that the guys you have gone with are with "Rock" bands, so I assume that you have with the same "type" pf guy.  Some guy that can get women easy, and really has no need to settle down.  If you want to  find a decent guy, you are going to have to look at where they hang out.  It is not at a bar.  It is not in a rock band (generally), and it is not the hard drinking self absorbed guy who is playing the field.  Most "good" men are married.  Have kids and are mostly happy. I think you need to look at your life style, your core values and see what you can change, or where you are repelling the type of man you say you want. As you get old, it is going to get harder.  You may have to look at a man who has a Ex, and kids.  You may have to look at dull but hard working guy.  In any case, these are good men, you just have not worked to date them. 

Another thing.  Men who have standards, will want to know about you.  Be open and honest.  Think what you bring to the table, not just what he is giving to you.  The best marriage, is one with honesty, and a balance between both man and woman.  You also need to get over your HS sweetheart.  Missed opportunity, but you never know he may have not worked out.  The fact that you did not become one speaks volumes.  In many ways, he is the perfect man, all others will never measure up to.  Nor will they want too.  I married my HS sweetheart,  at 18.  We are pushing 50 years together marriage wise and over just 50 years being a couple.  You can read my story here if you wan the ins and out.  Bottom line, relationship take work, there is heart ache, but much love and satisfaction as well.  It all rolled up as one.  Be willing to take on all of this if you want to be married.

I wish you luck...

Edited April 2, 2021 by understand50

[prince0fgame]

11 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

I am just frustrated as all hell.  I feel like I have given up or the world has given up on me.  And people do nothing but give me pats on the head and say "there there".  And nothing ever changes. 

 

Romance is a man made invention. And most romance is petty. It's based on delusions.

What is real is universal principles. 

One universal principle is you are what you attract. If you are needy, you will attract nothing but frustration. 

You need to be complete in your own world before you have any true value to give to a romantic partner. 

Most people don't want to work on themselves. They rather have someone magically show up and fix them. This is petty romance. The Disney kind.

Unfortunately real life does not work that way.

Every time I've operated on my full potential, I've always manifested many "ones." It's the law of abundance. That's another universal principle. 

You have to complete yourself. It's an inside job. Noone can do it for you. The "one" DOES exist. You are what you've been searching, hoping, and aspiring for.

Once you realize that, you will roll out the red carpet for the "one" and treat yourself kindly.  You will see her in the mirror. And when you truly feel this way about yourself, the world will reflect that. And the right guy will show up.

Treat the "one" to a better mind, body, and spirit. You are it. There's nothing out there that can complete you. Believing in something that can save you is petty romance.

True romance is self love. And once you truly love yourself, the world will reflect it. And the right people will show up. 

Edited April 2, 2021 by prince0fgame

[mortensorchid]

3 hours ago, Alpaca said:

Rosy retrospection.

Someone with whom you had a good connection and fond memories, but who didn't work out for you.

 

Yes, we did have a good connection but we were too young and we needed to move on and grow/mature apart from each other.  I got all my rowdiness out of me, and I realized I chose bad men in the past.  It was such a frustrating situation not just because he and I broke up, but how my mom reacted to it and would make it into a nightmare for the next 2 years but that's another story.  

And I do love myself, I care for myself and I know I am worthy.  I just wish IT would happen for me is all. 

[poppyfields]

16 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Do you think that there is a One for everyone?  And if so, do you have the knowledge, intelligence, etc.  to know if and when you see them?  I keep thinking that someday, somehow it can and will happen but it never does.  There is lust of course, but at my age I know the difference between that and something deeper.  

Hi mort, I don't believe in "the one" as society defines it.  I believe there are many "the ones" and each "one" serves a purpose at whatever evolutionary point we are at in our lives at any given time.

It's quite okay and even good to reminisce about past experiences (both good and bad), boyfriends, lovers; our first important "love" always holds a special place, perhaps more so than others but it doesn't mean you were meant to be with that person or even should.  

I posted this a few months back but I think, ideally, everyone should be happy being single, unless and until they meet that special someone who makes them not want to be single. 

Not "the one" cause I don't believe in that.  Again, I think we might meet lots of "the ones" throughout our lives; he/she is "the one" at that point and time, and you should enjoy it, cherish it, cherish them, cherish the relationship. They may continue being "the one" for a short while, a long while or forever. If it ends, you will find another "the one." In the meantime, embrace your singleness, enjoy your life!  

I very much agree with what princeofgame just posted about the Law of Abundance, it's much too lengthy to get into here, but it may be worth your while to read about it, there is a ton of information circulating out there relating to all the universal laws of nature, take advantage of it, it might help in your overall perspective.  It certainly helped me!  

Lastly, I think we are all feeling a bit low right now, I know I am, just having ended a LTR relationship, and going through a sort of transition about life, love, relationships.

Positive attracts positive.

Negative attracts negative.

It can become a vicious cycle mort. 

So hang in, strive to see the glass half full versus half empty.  xo

Edited April 2, 2021 by poppyfields

[prince0fgame]

5 minutes ago, poppyfields said:

Hi mort, I don't believe in "the one" as society defines it.  I believe there are many "the ones" and each "one" serves a purpose at whatever evolutionary point we are at in our lives at any given time.

It's quite okay and even good to reminisce about experiences we've had in our past, including past boyfriends, lovers and the like; our first important "love" always holds a special place, perhaps more so than others but it doesn't mean you were meant to be with that person or even should.  

I posted this a few months back but I think, ideally, everyone should be happy being single, unless and until they meet that special someone who makes them not want to be single. 

Not "the one" cause I don't believe in that.  I think we might meet lots of "the ones" throughout our lives; he/she is "the one" at that point and time, and you should enjoy it, cherish it, cherish them, cherish the relationship. They may continue being "the one" for a short while, a long while or forever. If it ends, you will find another "the one." In the meantime, embrace your singleness, enjoy your life!  

I very much agree with what princeofgame just posted about the Law of Abundance, it's much too lengthy to get into here, but it may be worth your while to read about it, there is a ton of information circulating out there, take advantage of it, it might help in your overall perspective.

Lastly, I think we are all feeling a bit low right now, I know I am, just having ended a LTR relationship, and going through a sort of transition about life, love, relationships.

So hang in, and try to see the glass half full versus half empty. xoxo

Nice post. I agree that everyone should be happy being single. It is the bedrock of all abundance and serendipity. The springboard that launches epic romances. Two complete people sharing their completeness. Nothing is more beautiful The universe rejoices when such people find each other. Two needy and neurotic people seeking completeness in one another is how most relationships are. This is the ego's version of romance and it usually leads to many threads on this forum.

[flitzanu]

16 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Do you think that there is a One for everyone?  And if so, do you have the knowledge, intelligence, etc.  to know if and when you see them?  I keep thinking that someday, somehow it can and will happen but it never does.  There is lust of course, but at my age I know the difference between that and something deeper.  

There are times I think about my high school sweetheart - first love, we were together for four years (most of it was him away at college for two of them then the last year I was away as well and we grew apart).  He was a good guy but we were not mature enough and we both needed to grow and change.  Well... All the guys I have been with as adults have all been disappointments.  Why?  They were guys in rock bands.  And I realized that fact alone does not make them bad guys but they turned out to not be good people to begin with.

It's so frustrating to not ever meet a decent man.  I feel like the only one who can't.  Needed to vent rather than cry, because I have in the past.  And then I realized that someone said to me that I will never marry or have children.   Children didn't happen for me but I am okay with that.  And I still cry thinking of the love of my life who left 15 years ago and I'll never love anyone ever again as much as I did him... 

are we the same person?

it's hard to believe there's only "one" out there, i mean, scientifically with a jillion people in the world, but i think the figurative side of that is, that i'd agree/believe we do encounter "the one" or possibly two of them that melds with us better than anyone else.  i guess it's in line with the idea of twin flames, the "better than soulmates" type of connection. 

and, same as reliving the past, i can relate that there seems to have been only one girl that stood above the rest, and at the time it wasn't as clear as it became as the years went on and every other relationship just became a failed experiment.

at first it's freeing, not having to be tied down to relationship responsibilities, as you watch your friends miss out on events because their partner hates "things" or that they can't find a babysitter, and you revel in being able to do anything you want...but it comes with a price.  those staggering moments of weakness, realizing you're going to be alone forever and no one is going to love you / love you the way you had in the past, yeah...those moments suck.  those are the moments that the freedom of being single feels like it isn't worth price.

i'm curious, maybe i've missed the story or reasons, but is there something keeping you from reaching out to this old lost love from high school?  i mean, if anything, it might be worth it just to find out if your rose colored glasses are broken.

[Alpacalia]

1 hour ago, mortensorchid said:

Yes, we did have a good connection but we were too young and we needed to move on and grow/mature apart from each other.  I got all my rowdiness out of me, and I realized I chose bad men in the past.  It was such a frustrating situation not just because he and I broke up, but how my mom reacted to it and would make it into a nightmare for the next 2 years but that's another story.  

And I do love myself, I care for myself and I know I am worthy.  I just wish IT would happen for me is all. 

Well the good news is that you can have more than one love in your lifetime. You just have to be open to it. And if you're not, then that just means you have some more internal work to do.

[poppyfields]

7 minutes ago, prince0fgame said:

Nice post. I agree that everyone should be happy being single. It is the bedrock of all abundance and serendipity. The springboard that launches epic romances. Two complete people sharing their completeness. Nothing is more beautiful The universe rejoices when such people find each other. Two needy and neurotic people seeking completeness in one another is how most relationships are. This is the ego's version of romance and it usually leads to many threads on this forum.

Thank you, I agree.  I love that word "serendipity," I haven't heard it for a long time; this morning I just researched it for a more complete understanding of it. 

It's a great attitude to embrace.

[SumGuy]

16 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Do you think that there is a One for everyone?  And if so, do you have the knowledge, intelligence, etc.  to know if and when you see them?  I keep thinking that someday, somehow it can and will happen but it never does.  There is lust of course, but at my age I know the difference between that and something deeper.  

There are times I think about my high school sweetheart - first love, we were together for four years (most of it was him away at college for two of them then the last year I was away as well and we grew apart).  He was a good guy but we were not mature enough and we both needed to grow and change.  Well... All the guys I have been with as adults have all been disappointments.  Why?  They were guys in rock bands.  And I realized that fact alone does not make them bad guys but they turned out to not be good people to begin with.

It's so frustrating to not ever meet a decent man.  I feel like the only one who can't.  Needed to vent rather than cry, because I have in the past.  And then I realized that someone said to me that I will never marry or have children.   Children didn't happen for me but I am okay with that.  And I still cry thinking of the love of my life who left 15 years ago and I'll never love anyone ever again as much as I did him... 

I've a similar story to yours, but I found the second love of my life...it didn't happen overnight, took 3-4 years of looking/dating.

[mark clemson]

I don't believe there is "a one". I believed there was a one. I lost her when we broke up and then I moved out of state (after college). At the time I was emotionally "pining" for her and even turned down some very direct offers to start new relationships. It's something I now regret as at least one girl appeared to be really into me. But, alas, I was holding out for "the one" who didn't want me.

After I moved out of state I got over her and moved on with new GFs and now my wife. When I looked "the one" up 20ish years later, she was friendly and amenable to "catching up". Turns out there wasn't much there for me to be attracted to. We had both changed substantively. I wouldn't say I "dodged a bullet" but I DO suspect I've actually had a better life than I would have if I had stayed with her.

Mortensorchid, you mention being under a dark cloud and struggling. But I've noticed from your posts here you appear to sometimes have "communication issues" and other difficulties when connecting with new potential men (although you DO at least have some FWBs if I'm not mistaken). I've heard that some folks "expect rejection" at some level and so, unconsciously, push away or otherwise sabotage things with potential partners, sort of preemptively. Not sure if that's actually an issue for you, but perhaps something to consider.

Edited April 2, 2021 by mark clemson

[lana-banana]

Nah. There can be people you truly love, or feel wildly infatuated with, but there's no one person, singular, that you're meant to be with. The vast majority of a relationship involves work: the choice to wake up every day and be committed to someone. You can have super strong feelings for someone, but if they won't put in the work, they can't be The One (and if they aren't motivated to move heaven and earth for you, are they really The One?)

There were three men in my life about whom I felt so strongly that I was SURE I'd marry them, or at least that I was meant to. The record will show that I only married one of the three. At the end of the day, even the strongest feelings are just feelings.

[prince0fgame]

1 minute ago, lana-banana said:

Nah. There can be people you truly love, or feel wildly infatuated with, but there's no one person, singular, that you're meant to be with. The vast majority of a relationship involves work: the choice to wake up every day and be committed to someone. You can have super strong feelings for someone, but if they won't put in the work, they can't be The One (and if they aren't motivated to move heaven and earth for you, are they really The One?)

There were three men in my life about whom I felt so strongly that I was SURE I'd marry them, or at least that I was meant to. The record will show that I only married one of the three. At the end of the day, even the strongest feelings are just feelings.

Nice post.

Every relationship is subject to the law of equal value exchange.

Romance, by its very definition, is two people giving EQUAL value. Equal effort. Equal investment.

Each party has to do their part. This is the only way the romantic bubble can exist.

If one party slacks off, then the romantic bubble bursts. it is no longer a romantic relationship. But a supplicating relationship. 

Romance is like a chemistry. It requires equal energy from both parties. Without this perfect chemistry, the H20 becomes C02. The oxygen becomes carbon monoxide. It becomes a totally different element altogether. 

[Soul-shards]

17 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

Do you think that there is a One for everyone? 

It is very unlikely that anyone would have only ONE fantastic match out there. However, just because there is more than ONE person who'd make fantastic life partners, doesn't mean that a perfect-for-you person can't be called THE ONE. Great matches are difficult to come by even for the most common of folk, let alone for the more rare types. This is because people need compatibility on several dimensions to claim marriage with a 'THE ONE,' and the more complex they are, the more dimensions need to be reconciled.   Everything else is...well, 'good enough - make it work."

Quote

And if so, do you have the knowledge, intelligence, etc.  to know if and when you see them?  I keep thinking that someday, somehow it can and will happen but it never does. 

It obviously depends on the person and life stage.

People are not equally intelligent - academically, socially, etc. Some have better reasoning and instincts than others. Some are more easily swayed by social pressures than others, etc. 

I would say intelligent people are better able to confidently identify a great match, but at the same time, they also have lower odds of coming across ONE simply because people of their ilk are few and far between. If social and timetable pressures are high, they may cave in and settle for someone less than "THE ONE." This requires engaging in rationalization work (nobody's perfect, had I waited for THE ONE, X would have happened, people change anyway, the type I wanted tends to have x,y,z flaws which I wouldn't have wanted to deal with either, etc). 

In the end, everyone needs to convince themselves that their choice was fine and that any other paths would have been less desirable. Of course, this is rarely objectively true, but humans need to believe that because such "positive" attitudes are needed to maintain self-esteem and mental health. Otherwise we snap.  

As for life stage, the older one is, the more lucid they (hopefully) become. This means they become more aware about specific traits they need in a partner. Unfortunately, time is not our friend. At older ages, pools of eligibles are smaller, marital statuses are "taken," and even if you 'wise up' due to age, you may no longer be free to put your wisdom to good use in the selection process. At that point in life people may already be in a marriage which wasn't the best match to begin with, but now it just IS. 

Do-overs in life don't always make sense even if modern society allows it. In fact, it now encourages it. Modern customs and laws may say "go ahead, divorce and pick better this time around - we allow it now!" But Daddy Time and Mommy Life Course, and the Grandmama of them all - REALITY, can be ruthless and laugh in your face. Time and continuity matter because human life spans are limited. A do-over may not allow enough time for meaningful happiness to solidify. So you stay where you are if you are a realist. You don't keep picking when 'lifelong happiness' odds are no longer in your favor. 

The trick is to spot an available THE ONE early on in life. It's a shame people don't realize that magnitude of the Twenties - how this decade is the most important in life because hugely impactful decisions are made at this stage. Nobody teaches the young that and this is literally, a tragedy. It is not lax divorce laws that society needs but wiser, more mature, more self-reflective (as opposed to self-absorbed) and better informed 20 yo-s.      

17 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

There are times I think about my high school sweetheart - first love, we were together for four years (most of it was him away at college for two of them then the last year I was away as well and we grew apart).  He was a good guy but we were not mature enough and we both needed to grow and change.  Well... All the guys I have been with as adults have all been disappointments.  Why?  They were guys in rock bands.  And I realized that fact alone does not make them bad guys but they turned out to not be good people to begin with.

Guys in rock bands often have a lot of growing up to do, even though some of them can be quite smart, special people. The exciting type who know how to give color to life. So I can see the addiction - but if they don't work out for you, why do you keep dating guys in rock bands?

 

17 hours ago, mortensorchid said:

It's so frustrating to not ever meet a decent man.  I feel like the only one who can't.  Needed to vent rather than cry, because I have in the past.  And then I realized that someone said to me that I will never marry or have children.   Children didn't happen for me but I am okay with that.  And I still cry thinking of the love of my life who left 15 years ago and I'll never love anyone ever again as much as I did him... 

The best you can do is get very specific about what you need in a man, narrow down your pool of eligibles and look for them in the right places. Try something other than rock bands. This is the part where you set up your pool to maximize chances of running across Mr. THE ONE, instead of Mr. GOOD ENOUGH (else die alone and childless, and other real threats).

An early knack for marital selection is vital for women. This is not only because their window of fertility, eligibility, etc. is narrower than men's (an inconvenient and unpopular truth but truth nevertheless), but also because the need to marry a 'THE ONE' seems much more acute in women than in men.

In my experience, women seem to fret more over landing THE REAL ONE than men do. After many years, if not decades of playing the field comfortably (no hurry, no pressures), men finally become ready to settle down, at which point any good, loyal, supportive and fertile woman who doesn't require a bag over her face can be 'ONE ENOUGH.' Guys will be perfectly fine with such a selection. She will be ceremoniously placed into the role of 'wife' - which means he takes care of her, doesn't cheat on her, brings home the bacon, opens doors, kills bugs, opens jar pickles -all the functionals.  This is LOVE for men. Pragamatic, functional, goal-oriented.

In my experience, however, most men don't fall 'head-over-heels-in-love' with their wives (maximum emoting), neither do they lose sleep over THE ONE who may have "gotten away." At least not to the same extent women do. Love in male brain: "time to impregnate and commit." Love in female brain: "time to find the BEST to impregnate me! But wait a minute...is he the BEST for me?" Notice the calm on the former front, fretting on the latter.    

Yes, these are generalizations and exceptions to the rule DO apply. There are many women perfectly happy in merely functional marriages, with men they had never been ga-ga over,  and men who pine for THE ONE for all eternity. But the trend is the other way around.

Good luck!        

 

 

 

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, lana-banana said:

There can be people you truly love, or feel wildly infatuated with, but there's no one person, singular, that you're meant to be with.

Not to mention that people change. Someone who may have been “the One” in your 20s isn’t in your 30s as you’ve grown apart. 
 

And also how self centered and selfish to think another human being was designed to be perfect for you. As if you’re the centre of the universe and they exist to serve your needs. Yikes, such a mistaken belief.