She's turned my world upside down. Update: she ended it

[LeojDon]

Hey guys!

So long story short, I've been with my girlfriend for two years now after magically meeting in Thailand. Shortly after, she came to live in my city for 4 months and then after that it's been just meeting each other where she'd worked and vice versa. 

Right now she's living in Berlin for her job and I'm living in my own city in the UK. With the pandemic, as i'm sure it's been for many, it's been quite challenging to not see each other. Currently she doesn't like her job and is looking for jobs in Milan (she's Italian), although it's not like her heart is dead-set on moving back there. 

This is the part of the relationship I was already quite anxious about a year ago as although it was in the horizon, I knew it's a bridge we would have to cross. We're in our mid-twenties and can't exactly pick and choose where to live/work and be completely happy with the two. Obviously jobs in Milan for me as a solely English speaker are quite difficult to find, especially in the industry i'd like to go into, and so I just really worry about when and how we'll ever be able to bridge the distance, or if we'll continue to just be long-distance for the next years and just see each other a weekend each month. 

How did some of you guys manage to overcome this?

Edited April 3, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
merged threads, update title

[chillii]

l suppose your just going to have to agree on something and you have a future on not agree and you can't really. lf you can though in the foreseeable future sometime and it's a long term thing with her- marriage or whatever, then you can survive as a couple until , we did well over 2yrs.

[Wiseman2]

On 3/24/2021 at 6:11 PM, LeojDon said:

.Currently she doesn't like her job and is looking for jobs in Milan (she's Italian), although it's not like her heart is dead-set on moving back there

What do you make of the fact that she's looking for jobs everywhere on earth, except near you?

How long have you been dating? What is the commitment to each other? Does she have any reason or incentive to live/work in the UK?

[ExpatInItaly]

Ciao!

Italian resident here, though I live in Rome. I can tell you that in light of the pandemic in particular, regular and full-time jobs for non-Italian speakers are extremely difficult to find right now, in just about every industry. Covid has deeply rocked this already-fragile country so it unlikely that you would find gainful employment for a while. Many Italians are out of work and cannot find long-term, sustainable income so you can imagine how difficult is is for foreigners who don't speak the language. 

But it seems to me that she is not as invested as you are, if she's looking for work in her home city rather than trying to meet you in the middle. Maybe it's time to have a difficult talk about the future viability of this relationship. 

[LeojDon]

7 hours ago, chillii said:

l suppose your just going to have to agree on something and you have a future on not agree and you can't really. lf you can though in the foreseeable future sometime and it's a long term thing with her- marriage or whatever, then you can survive as a couple until , we did well over 2yrs.

How did you manage for 2 years when both in full time jobs in different countries (which is how we will be) or hours apart? This is the part that makes me slightly nervous with being in different countries and working full time, is getting time to see each other. But for sure, I do see her in the long term future.

[LeojDon]

7 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

What do you make of the fact that she's looking for jobs everywhere on earth, except near you?

How long have you been dating? What is the commitment to each other? Does she have any reason or incentive to live/work in the UK?

I'm in my city which hasn't got a massive amount of opportunities but also i'm not looking to stay here myself so I wouldn't like to feel as though i'd be stuck here. 

We've been together since 2019 but of course the pandemic has really limited our opportunities to see each other. I recently when to visit her in Germany in December and also stayed with her and family in Italy in October so it's definitely serious and committed. 

Of course since she's Italian the weather isn't a great factor here! But for myself, I really want to go work abroad for a couple years but haven't found anything yet. I guess her incentive to living in the UK would be that i'm here but i'm not exactly wanting to stay here in the short-term myself so it seems like a game of cat and mouse at the moment.

[LeojDon]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Ciao!

Italian resident here, though I live in Rome. I can tell you that in light of the pandemic in particular, regular and full-time jobs for non-Italian speakers are extremely difficult to find right now, in just about every industry. Covid has deeply rocked this already-fragile country so it unlikely that you would find gainful employment for a while. Many Italians are out of work and cannot find long-term, sustainable income so you can imagine how difficult is is for foreigners who don't speak the language. 

But it seems to me that she is not as invested as you are, if she's looking for work in her home city rather than trying to meet you in the middle. Maybe it's time to have a difficult talk about the future viability of this relationship. 

Ciao! Yes she's from Rome actually and i'm surprised anyone would want to leave there as it's so beautiful! But she doesn't want to move back there and she mentioned that she'd be open to looking at roles in Milan. As you say, even for Italians it will be difficult to find a job, let alone someone who doesn't speak Italian at all. 

I don't see it as though she's not invested, as she's currently living in Berlin which I guess is in the middle but i've not yet managed to find something there and she's not very keen on staying since she's not enjoying her job. It's just difficult trying to find a job in the same city that we'll both enjoy, as if that opportunity arose regardless of which city it is, we would do it. It's just that if she did move to Milan, it almost completely rules out our prospect of living in the same city for the foreseeable future as options in Milan for a foreigner even in corporate are quite limited. So this is why i'm slightly nervous about it!

[chillii]

7 hours ago, LeojDon said:

How did you manage for 2 years when both in full time jobs in different countries (which is how we will be) or hours apart? This is the part that makes me slightly nervous with being in different countries and working full time, is getting time to see each other. But for sure, I do see her in the long term future.

 

Well we are in the same country but 12hrs drive apart or even flying is still a 7hr trip all up with getting to and from airports too and what have you so further than some countries really. She;d come down for a wk or a mth , or 2 or 3 a time, whatever we could swing.

But expat might have a point you would think she'd wanna make it easier not harder. But anyway good luck with everything hope you can work something out.

 

 

 

 

 

[basil67]

Have you started learning Italian yet?  If you want a future with her, being able to speak her language would give you far more options.

[LeojDon]

On 3/27/2021 at 1:12 AM, basil67 said:

Have you started learning Italian yet?  If you want a future with her, being able to speak her language would give you far more options.

It would take a long time to learn it to the standard needed in the workplace. As much as it would be beneficial its quite a long term thing and not very viable for the next couple of years at least, but i'd love to learn it to a good level.

[LeojDon]

On 3/26/2021 at 10:43 PM, chillii said:

 

Well we are in the same country but 12hrs drive apart or even flying is still a 7hr trip all up with getting to and from airports too and what have you so further than some countries really. She;d come down for a wk or a mth , or 2 or 3 a time, whatever we could swing.

But expat might have a point you would think she'd wanna make it easier not harder. But anyway good luck with everything hope you can work something out.

 

 

 

 

 

Do you both work full time too? As when we met we were both in Uni so we had plenty of spare time to meet each other whenever we wanted. Now this full time bridge is one that we haven't crossed since while she has been working full time these last 6 months, I haven't so if it wasn't for the pandemic we would've seen more of each other.

 

How do you manage to find time, or do your jobs allow for it?

[LeojDon]

Safe to say the pandemic has been a nightmare, especially for long distance relationships.

I actually wrote about my relationship with a special Italian girl I met in Thailand this time two years ago on here, and it was so special. I stayed with her family in Rome, said I love you for the first time, she lived in my city for Uni for 4 months. We've been intensely in love and I never met any girl like her. I love her, her culture, she's the only one who ever truly understood me and truly cared for my interests and really appreciated me - and vice versa. 

Now, it's been 4 months since we met due to the pandemic. She's living in Berlin now with her job and i'm in Manchester, UK and she's not particularly enjoying it at all there. I'd been trying to find a job there but with no luck so far, so we continue as usual to keep talking whilst she's been overworked in her job. Yesterday she dropped a bomb I didn't see coming.

I called her after she went back to Berlin after staying a week back home in Rome, and instantly she said I want to talk to you, I don't think I see you in a romantic way anymore, it's more platonic. My heart just sank. I never expected her to begin to fall out of love with me and I was just oblivious to it. She said it's the most difficult decision she'll have to make and may regret it but doesn't want to keep prolonging it when it's difficult to close the distance, but the bottom line was that her feelings altered. I asked her whats changed in the space of two weeks? She was so loving and attentive literally a couple weeks before, and she said she can't pin point but that she's changed and stopped fighting for it.

I feel like it's so unfair that she told me all this now when we'll be able to see each other possibly next month (if travel begins to reopen) - we can see the finish line and i've been so patient and so excited to finally see her again because when we meet, it's fireworks every single time, no matter what issues we had when distanced, being together is always like home. It's like she forgot what it means to be with me and in my presence, and I feel you can surely only be sure if we meet and truly understand if that's the case - how can you know after not seeing someone for four months and not really facetiming as much due to work? I think we at least owe that to each other after such a magical two years.

So now my heart is crushed. I saw her as my future, someone i'd live with and travel more with, and now I just feel so empty. So alone and isolated despite people around me. I really wanted to move into a European country to be with her, start my career and live life with her and now I feel scared to do that, like it was our thing and now I just feel so lost. 

 

What do you make of this and what steps would you next make? We plan to video call again in a couple of days after collecting our thoughts and although I always have a glimmer of hope, this time my heart feels shattered. 

 

Edited April 2, 2021 by LeojDon
edited country name

[BaileyB]

1 hour ago, LeojDon said:

I feel like it's so unfair that she told me all this now when we'll be able to see each other possibly next month (if travel begins to reopen) - we can see the finish line

It’s not the finish line though. You were potentially going to see each other again but there there are big barriers here that aren’t just going to go away... She is just being realistic. 

Distance and the fact that it is so challenging to bring this together would kill any feelings I had too. 

I’m sorry, I know this hurts... but, as was said in your other thread - best to think of this as a lovely relationship and a special time in your life. Not every relationship is meant to go the distance...

Edited April 2, 2021 by BaileyB

[TeddyBundy1993]

My man hold your horses.  You want to move to another country change your jobs for a girl who already have informed you that she doesn't see you as a romantic partner anymore? You are much more invested than she is! Period!

Long distance does possess a few challenges and I personally have seen couples making their way through all these troubles but effort is required from both side. Clearly  she is not into you that much. There can be multiple reason for it! Pandemic stress, work, missing physical presence of romantic partner or maybe she met someone else. I smell something fishy tho 1 st red flag comes as she changes her mind all of sudden in 2 weeks ? This don't happen overnight man! From being all lovely to altered feeling. 2nd one is she pushing you away right before a month before you both can meet possibly. 

Since you ask then I must tell you,  I have been there and give her space that's the real deal. Don't cry or beg her to meet you if she deny.Don't contact her let process her feelings what she wants and let you know rest for yourself prepare yourself for whatever outcome this will bring to you. I know your are crushed and it happens that way not all things goes by the way we want them to. Don't blame yourself you seems to be a nice guy.  Rest is fate accept as it comes, in your favour or against you. Good luck man

[glows]

All you can do is accept it with some grace and be respectful to each other. 

About your travels, you can do that again and with someone else in the future. It's not going to look appealing now or seem like it'll ever happen for you nor is it something you might want to do with anyone else but time heals. 

Reach out to friends and family after you process that it's over and after your conversation. I'm not sure what the point of talking to her is. What will you talk about? Avoid staying friends with an ex. One of you might suggest it but it just prolongs and prevents healing and moving forward.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, LeojDon said:

she said I want to talk to you, I don't think I see you in a romantic way anymore, it's more platonic. My heart just sank. I never expected her to begin to fall out of love with me and I was just oblivious to it. She said it's the most difficult decision she'll have to make and may regret it but doesn't want to keep prolonging it when it's difficult to close the distance, but the bottom line was that her feelings altered. I asked her whats changed in the space of two weeks? She was so loving and attentive literally a couple weeks before, and she said she can't pin point but that she's changed and stopped fighting for it.

What do you make of this and what steps would you next make? We plan to video call again in a couple of days after collecting our thoughts and although I always have a glimmer of hope, this time my heart feels shattered.

My next step would be to accept that it's over, unfortunately. 

She doesn't feel the way you do, and I have to say that this is not totally shocking given that she didn't seem interested in finding a city where you could meet each other halfway. You perhaps didn't see the underlying trouble with that, but it was there. 

I'm sorry, OP. It would be best to work on letting go. 

(For the record, since you were surprised that anyone would want to move away from Rome: This city has my heart and is very much my second home. But, it also has many problems: poor and outdated infrastructure, nightmarish bureaucracy, high cost of living, low salary, and so on. It's the most beautiful city I've ever seen, but it's definitely not an easy place to live. That is especially true for people who are not from this country and not familiar with the language and chaos of Rome.  Milan is much more economically-sound, with better job opportunities, higher salaries and more organized infrastructure) 

[Kwijiboe]

Mate, I'm sorry to hear the end of your story.

I'm going through kind of the same thing so I feel your pain and anguish.  I hope you can find inner peace and eventually find the light at the end of the tunnel.  Who knows, maybe there might be a day where both of you will cross paths again.

[LeojDon]

29 minutes ago, Kwijiboe said:

Mate, I'm sorry to hear the end of your story.

I'm going through kind of the same thing so I feel your pain and anguish.  I hope you can find inner peace and eventually find the light at the end of the tunnel.  Who knows, maybe there might be a day where both of you will cross paths again.

Thanks mate. My world is just upside-down at the moment, I feel so lost and just want to run to her but know I can’t. What makes it worse is that we are in different countries during a pandemic and I can’t just quickly go to see her which is so painful. I’m speaking to her today after a few days of collecting thoughts but I feel that her mind is made up.

[LeojDon]

6 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

My next step would be to accept that it's over, unfortunately. 

She doesn't feel the way you do, and I have to say that this is not totally shocking given that she didn't seem interested in finding a city where you could meet each other halfway. You perhaps didn't see the underlying trouble with that, but it was there. 

I'm sorry, OP. It would be best to work on letting go. 

(For the record, since you were surprised that anyone would want to move away from Rome: This city has my heart and is very much my second home. But, it also has many problems: poor and outdated infrastructure, nightmarish bureaucracy, high cost of living, low salary, and so on. It's the most beautiful city I've ever seen, but it's definitely not an easy place to live. That is especially true for people who are not from this country and not familiar with the language and chaos of Rome.  Milan is much more economically-sound, with better job opportunities, higher salaries and more organized infrastructure) 

It’s just so tough to take as when we’re together we’re amazing. This pandemic has truly killed everything and without it I’m sure we’d be still on a nice path.I honestly would’ve moved to Italy had the right opportunity came around.

She is from Rome but doesn’t want to move back there as like you said, she really doesn’t enjoy the chaos and traffic which makes it less enjoyable. I’m just devastated and keep thinking if I could’ve been more attentive or each time she said there’s nothing to look forward to just reassured her.

[LeojDon]

13 hours ago, glows said:

All you can do is accept it with some grace and be respectful to each other. 

About your travels, you can do that again and with someone else in the future. It's not going to look appealing now or seem like it'll ever happen for you nor is it something you might want to do with anyone else but time heals. 

Reach out to friends and family after you process that it's over and after your conversation. I'm not sure what the point of talking to her is. What will you talk about? Avoid staying friends with an ex. One of you might suggest it but it just prolongs and prevents healing and moving forward.

It’s more so just to understand more as it came as such a shock to me, and It doesn’t sit right with me that after 4 months of not seeing each other it’s now a firm conclusion when each time we’re together we’re so intense.

after the conversation and getting more clarity, she is happy to continue talking but of course that’s because she doesn’t see me in that way whereas I do, so it’s way easier for her. I feel so empty as she’s my best friend and cutting her off would seriously destroy me but I understand that while I still truly love her, it just seems like talking to her after this will be in vain as if I think there’s a chance again.

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by LeojDon
Typo

[LeojDon]

15 hours ago, BaileyB said:

It’s not the finish line though. You were potentially going to see each other again but there there are big barriers here that aren’t just going to go away... She is just being realistic. 

Distance and the fact that it is so challenging to bring this together would kill any feelings I had too. 

I’m sorry, I know this hurts... but, as was said in your other thread - best to think of this as a lovely relationship and a special time in your life. Not every relationship is meant to go the distance...

I’m just so scared that the magical way in which we met and and how intense it was can never be replicated, that I’ll never ever find something that matches my expectations as she’s my first true love. I’m scared I’ll search for her in others but right now I can’t even bare to think of others, I just want to run to her.

[ExpatInItaly]

Don't mistake intensity for true connection. 

It's hard not to conflate the two, but sometimes the heady sparks mask other issues. In this case, it was her drifting away. 

Also, because this is your first love, remember that you have nothing to compare this to - naturally, this is all going to feel a lot more confusing and hurtful because you have no frame of reference for breaking up. But first loves are almost never our last. 

You are going to need time and space to heal, but I can say that I have yet to see anyone never recover from their first loves. (I'm just shy of 40, for reference) You will get there. 

[BaileyB]

54 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Also, because this is your first love, remember that you have nothing to compare this to - naturally, this is all going to feel a lot more confusing and hurtful because you have no frame of reference for breaking up. But first loves are almost never our last. 

Indeed. You may find that you are pleasantly surprised by just how wonderful it is to love a woman and live in the same city/have an actual relationship in person! Something to look forward too... 

[TeddyBundy1993]

Don't be her friend. Trust be being friend after break up is nothing but a technique where dumper moves on without any stress and dumpee gets buried deeper. Go  no contact. She moved on so should you. By being in her friend zone you won't give up on hopes to get her back. Yeah we all think we won't get this "special " again and it's true but everyone is different and every relationship is. Save yourself now.  Think wisely dude . TC

[LeojDon]

On 4/3/2021 at 10:00 PM, BaileyB said:

Indeed. You may find that you are pleasantly surprised by just how wonderful it is to love a woman and live in the same city/have an actual relationship in person! Something to look forward too... 

this is the difficult part to accept as she lived in my city for 4 months last year and it was amazing, we’d never been so excited and happy to live daily life together. Covid really made everything 10x more difficult and I feel powerless.