She's turned my world upside down. Update: she ended it

[LeojDon]

On 4/3/2021 at 9:04 PM, ExpatInItaly said:

Don't mistake intensity for true connection. 

It's hard not to conflate the two, but sometimes the heady sparks mask other issues. In this case, it was her drifting away. 

Also, because this is your first love, remember that you have nothing to compare this to - naturally, this is all going to feel a lot more confusing and hurtful because you have no frame of reference for breaking up. But first loves are almost never our last. 

You are going to need time and space to heal, but I can say that I have yet to see anyone never recover from their first loves. (I'm just shy of 40, for reference) You will get there. 

Thank you for this, it just makes me so worried for the future as I value her so much. She’s the only woman who ever truly got me and really cared for my feelings and had my interests in her heart, so I’m scared I’ll look for her in every other person.

Because of the magical way we met and how beautiful & romantic our memories are and how vulnerable I allowed myself to be in order to experience this deep love I’ve felt, I’m worried my expectations are so high now that nothing will compare.

Edited April 5, 2021 by LeojDon
Typo

[BaileyB]

5 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

Covid really made everything 10x more difficult and I feel powerless.

For many people...

[LeojDon]

On 4/3/2021 at 1:00 AM, glows said:

All you can do is accept it with some grace and be respectful to each other. 

About your travels, you can do that again and with someone else in the future. It's not going to look appealing now or seem like it'll ever happen for you nor is it something you might want to do with anyone else but time heals. 

Reach out to friends and family after you process that it's over and after your conversation. I'm not sure what the point of talking to her is. What will you talk about? Avoid staying friends with an ex. One of you might suggest it but it just prolongs and prevents healing and moving forward.

Thank you for your message. It was an extremely difficult conversation but it was needed after I could barely get my words out when she initially told me. I asked her why couldn’t she wait till May when travel begins & she told me she just couldn’t lie to me and pretend everything’s okay because I don’t deserve it. I suggested me visiting her in May face-to-face to truly understand but she said that she didn’t want to feel like she owed me something and force her feelings because I’m there, so I just cannot convince her to feel the same.

I know she’s hurting incredibly as much as me, saying that she feels like a monster and that I can blame her, that she never thought she’d be the one to hurt me. That makes me feel even worse as she’s lonely in Berlin but I can’t be there to console her. It’s just so heartbreaking as everything seemed fine last week, I’m utterly lost and numb.

[ExpatInItaly]

6 minutes ago, LeojDon said:

Because of the magical way we met and how beautiful & romantic our memories are and how vulnerable I allowed myself to be in order to experience this deep love I’ve felt, I’m worried my expectations are so high now that nothing will compare.

This is your inexperience speaking. It's normal to worry about those things, especially during your first real break-up. 

It rarely turns out to be true, though. First loves are important for many reasons, but they also tend to be the least developed and mature ones, simply because we're cutting out teeth for the first time on all this relationship stuff and inevitable stumble and fumble along the way. The vast majority of folks I know eventually move on. I actually can't think of anyone among my friends and family who's still holding a torch for their first love, to be honest. Even those of us who thought all the same things you did, and felt all the magic and intensity that first loves bring. What you felt and what you're feeling now are not at all unusual, is my point, and there is no reason to worry you will never again experience great love. 

It's far more likely that once you're past the immediate and intense pain, you will see the reasons this relationship wasn't the be-all and end-all of relationships. You will no doubt look back on it fondly, but you will probably also realize that it wasn't the one meant to last a lifetime for you. 

 

[LeojDon]

14 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This is your inexperience speaking. It's normal to worry about those things, especially during your first real break-up. 

It rarely turns out to be true, though. First loves are important for many reasons, but they also tend to be the least developed and mature ones, simply because we're cutting out teeth for the first time on all this relationship stuff and inevitable stumble and fumble along the way. The vast majority of folks I know eventually move on. I actually can't think of anyone among my friends and family who's still holding a torch for their first love, to be honest. Even those of us who thought all the same things you did, and felt all the magic and intensity that first loves bring. What you felt and what you're feeling now are not at all unusual, is my point, and there is no reason to worry you will never again experience great love. 

It's far more likely that once you're past the immediate and intense pain, you will see the reasons this relationship wasn't the be-all and end-all of relationships. You will no doubt look back on it fondly, but you will probably also realize that it wasn't the one meant to last a lifetime for you. 

 

I mean for me I’m 24 and this was my first, purely because I’m so picky so it stunned me to find someone who quite literally ticked every box. For her (also 24) I wasn’t her first boyfriend but I was her first true love, and it felt like we were at an age where it’s a great time to grow together & continue to learn with so many common interests and genuine deep love for each other. Also because I met her two years ago during probably the happiest time in my life while I was travelling, it’s almost. like I carry that with me while with her, because we shared the experience together. 

Although when she got back from Rome last week, a day before leaving I texted her saying ‘I love you’ and she said she never responded back because she said she just couldn’t bring herself to say it it & it killed her. When I heard that I was just heartbroken, it’s the last thing I would’ve ever thought could end our relationship.
 

and it’s not even just her I’m losing, it’s everything around it like her family in Rome which became like an extended family and I felt at home and they really liked me. Honestly if I could have found a job which interested me in Rome or Italy in general I would’ve took it (how did you find yourself working in Rome by the way and what is it you do there? I’d love to know). 

I guess it’s just made me feel so scared because I truly thought we were in it for the long haul and I was so excited to live life with her, it just feels like it’s been snatched away. I always thought it was ‘the best things come when you least expect it’ when I first met her in Thailand but now it seems to have the opposite meaning.
 

 

Edited April 5, 2021 by LeojDon

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, LeojDon said:

and it’s not even just her I’m losing, it’s everything around it like her family in Rome which became like an extended family and I felt at home and they really liked me. Honestly if I could have found a job which interested me in Rome or Italy in general I would’ve took it (how did you find yourself working in Rome by the way and what is it you do there? I’d love to know). 

I'm an English teacher, by profession. I did all of my schooling/training/teaching qualifications at home in Canada, and worked the first several years of my career at home teaching English to immigrants and refugees. I decided nearly 10 years ago to follow my dreams of living and teaching abroad, and chose Rome. I came here alone, and while I love this city, it's a challenging place to live. If you are not an English teacher or work as a tour guide/operator (which many expats default to), and do not speak good Italian, decent jobs are limited. (I have learned Italian over the years and it is nearly essential in getting by day-to-day here!) Even in teaching, it's not easy to come by regular, full-time work with a legitimate contract at a decent school. More than a few employers take full advantage of foreign employees who are unfamiliar with how things work here, and screw them over with paltry/shady contracts and unpaid wages. I've been lucky compared to others; you really have to be ready to withstand the challenges of Italian life, and take the bad with the good. There's a reason many younger Italians have gone abroad to pursue their dreams. 

Italy was in pretty rough shape financially before Covid, and since then, it's much worse. I know many people (both foreigners and Italians themselves) who have been out of work since March 2020 and support from the government is meagre and very slow in arriving. Trying to find a full-time, decent-paying job in Italy at this time as a foreigner with no Italian skills is just not a very realistic prospect, to be completely honest. It would be something to consider after the pandemic period has passed. I don't mean to discourage you from someday relocating here, as Italy does offer many wonderful things, but now is not a good time for it. 

As far as the rest of it, well, this comes with the territory of breaking up from a longer-term relaitonship. We lose our companions and their families. I've had to say sad goodbyes to exes' families over the years, and it's not easy, but you learn to live without them too. Time and space usually takes care of that. It's a cliché, but it's part of breaking up. You will get through it. You just need to have as limited contact with her as possible and remember that this was very unlikely your first and only shot at true love. It hurts, but you will manage it. Trust the healing process.  

Edited April 5, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[LeojDon]

16 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I'm an English teacher, by profession. I did all of my schooling/training/teaching qualifications at home in Canada, and worked the first several years of my career at home teaching English to immigrants and refugees. I decided nearly 10 years ago to follow my dreams of living and teaching abroad, and chose Rome. I came here alone, and while I love this city, it's a challenging place to live. If you are not an English teacher or work as a tour guide/operator (which many expats default to), and do not speak good Italian, decent jobs are limited. (I have learned Italian over the years and it is nearly essential in getting by day-to-day here!) Even in teaching, it's not easy to come by regular, full-time work with a legitimate contract at a decent school. More than a few employers take full advantage of foreign employees who are unfamiliar with how things work here, and screw them over with paltry/shady contracts and unpaid wages. I've been lucky compared to others; you really have to be ready to withstand the challenges of Italian life, and take the bad with the good. There's a reason many younger Italians have gone abroad to pursue their dreams. 

Italy was in pretty rough shape financially before Covid, and since then, it's much worse. I know many people (both foreigners and Italians themselves) who have been out of work since March 2020 and support from the government is meagre and very slow in arriving. Trying to find a full-time, decent-paying job in Italy at this time as a foreigner with no Italian skills is just not a very realistic prospect, to be completely honest. It would be something to consider after the pandemic period has passed. I don't mean to discourage you from someday relocating here, as Italy does offer many wonderful things, but now is not a good time for it. 

As far as the rest of it, well, this comes with the territory of breaking up from a longer-term relaitonship. We lose our companions and their families. I've had to say sad goodbyes to exes' families over the years, and it's not easy, but you learn to live without them too. Time and space usually takes care of that. It's a cliché, but it's part of breaking up. You will get through it. You just need to have as limited contact with her as possible and remember that this was very unlikely your first and only shot at true love. It hurts, but you will manage it. Trust the healing process.  

Yeah even she was finding it difficult to come by opportunities in Rome and she has a Masters too which seems the bare minimum, she’s from the Rocca di Papa area near the Ciampino airport if you’re familiar with it, such a peaceful area in contrast to the city. There’s also the Castel Gandolfo nearby with the huge lake where the Pope’s summer house is which is amazing in summer, and I highly recommended Frascati too which I fell in love with. 

I’ve encountered so many Italians abroad because opportunities and progression in those roles is scarce so it’s no wonder they’re moving around Europe, and so many of them speak multiple languages with many degrees it’s quite incredible.

And yes it’s just a difficult thought to process, after being introduced to such an amazing culture and person and to have it taken away hurts so much when I thought it was always going to be there, and even though the distance never eroded my love for her, now I am well and truly feeling it. I feel so helpless and not being able to just drive down the road to see her kills me.

[glows]

You've idealized her. Unfortunately that has to end. She's not the greatest woman on earth (it ended). It takes time to heal so take that time. I second the comments on not staying her friend. This is not realistic and not at all a great idea for you. Your world will continue to shrink into a dot keeping in contact with her and it will stop you from going out and meeting new people eventually. Take a breather, grieve, cry your heart out, keep in touch with friends and family and don't be afraid to try new hobbies and seek new interests. 

[ExpatInItaly]

2 hours ago, LeojDon said:

Yeah even she was finding it difficult to come by opportunities in Rome and she has a Masters too which seems the bare minimum, she’s from the Rocca di Papa area near the Ciampino airport if you’re familiar with it, such a peaceful area in contrast to the city. There’s also the Castel Gandolfo nearby with the huge lake where the Pope’s summer house is which is amazing in summer, and I highly recommended Frascati too which I fell in love with. 

Yes, I know all of these towns well, actually! I was just in Frascati in February for Sunday lunch, before we went back into lockdown. What a small world. Beautiful, absolutely. But limited job opportunities, being such small towns. That's why many people who live there work in Rome itself and commute daily (also a challenge, given the major issues with traffic and poor public transit)

But it's best not to focus on what you have lost, though. There is nothing stopping you from coming to Italy in the future, should you choose, and exploring more of this gorgeous country. 

You will come through this. She wasn't The One, but there will be others. Be patient and kind with yourself during your healing process. 

[LeojDon]

10 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, I know all of these towns well, actually! I was just in Frascati in February for Sunday lunch, before we went back into lockdown. What a small world. Beautiful, absolutely. But limited job opportunities, being such small towns. That's why many people who live there work in Rome itself and commute daily (also a challenge, given the major issues with traffic and poor public transit)

But it's best not to focus on what you have lost, though. There is nothing stopping you from coming to Italy in the future, should you choose, and exploring more of this gorgeous country. 

You will come through this. She wasn't The One, but there will be others. Be patient and kind with yourself during your healing process. 

Oh wow that’s crazy! The view of the city in front of that car park in Frascati is so beautiful, I was just there in October. 
 

And it’s so hard to think I’d ever want to visit Rome again since I just associate it with her and I’m sure I couldn’t enjoy it without thinking ‘this is where we ate near the Pantheon, this is the road we walked down’  knowing it’s her city it makes it’s really difficult. Same with Thailand too, I love the islands but I don’t know if I could ever go to the same places as I’d just be too nostalgic and melancholic, I’m quite a sentimental guy and the moments experienced in these places meant the world to me.

Edited April 5, 2021 by LeojDon

[ExpatInItaly]

I first came to Rome on holidays back in 2006, on an epic backpacking journey with my then-boyfriend. It was our last stop after 2 months of criss-crossing Europe, and I fell in love with the city. It was magical, especially experienced with him, whom I was convinced I would marry someday. So many amazing moments and wonderful memories. 

The relationship ended after 8 years together, for a number of reasons. As part of my healing gift to myself, I took myself on a solo trip to Italy for 2 weeks. I wanted to experience it all again, and I was already thinking of relocating here. I too was worried I might fall to pieces upon seeing some of the sights again, as I'd last seen them with my ex. But you know what? I made new memories and really didn't struggle with it. I was so excited to be back in a city I loved. And it's been that way ever since! 

You will be less effected by these things as time goes on. You can't imagine not being emotional at the thought of being back in certain spot or other such things but my experience (after a couple significant break-ups) is that as the initial sting wears off, those memories become fond one we can reflect on warmly - but without a lot of other emotion. 

[LeojDon]

50 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I first came to Rome on holidays back in 2006, on an epic backpacking journey with my then-boyfriend. It was our last stop after 2 months of criss-crossing Europe, and I fell in love with the city. It was magical, especially experienced with him, whom I was convinced I would marry someday. So many amazing moments and wonderful memories. 

The relationship ended after 8 years together, for a number of reasons. As part of my healing gift to myself, I took myself on a solo trip to Italy for 2 weeks. I wanted to experience it all again, and I was already thinking of relocating here. I too was worried I might fall to pieces upon seeing some of the sights again, as I'd last seen them with my ex. But you know what? I made new memories and really didn't struggle with it. I was so excited to be back in a city I loved. And it's been that way ever since! 

You will be less effected by these things as time goes on. You can't imagine not being emotional at the thought of being back in certain spot or other such things but my experience (after a couple significant break-ups) is that as the initial sting wears off, those memories become fond one we can reflect on warmly - but without a lot of other emotion. 

That sounds amazing! The shared experience of backpacking together is truly amazing, in my situation I met her while I was backpacking and just fell in love with every passing day, i think that’s why these places feel so sacred to me because they’re where I discovered pure love. 
 

I guess for me with Rome as much as I adore the city and it’s charm, because it’s her home with her family and friends and I just associate it with her and it makes it that much more difficult. From where she’d pick me up at Ciampino airport to her basically being a tour guide with me in the centre, they’re really precious moments to me & I was in awe during my time there & with her. Who knows in the future but like you said, right now I’m still in love and it hurts so much that I couldn’t comprehend it.

[ExpatInItaly]

9 hours ago, LeojDon said:

Who knows in the future but like you said, right now I’m still in love and it hurts so much that I couldn’t comprehend it.

Yes, that's something we all go through when a relationship ends and it was not mutual. (and sometimes even when it is)

The reminders are tough to deal with. We associate places, people, sounds, songs, etc. with the ex. But that does slowly fade as life trucks on and we make new memories. It won't always be this painful. 

[LeojDon]

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, that's something we all go through when a relationship ends and it was not mutual. (and sometimes even when it is)

The reminders are tough to deal with. We associate places, people, sounds, songs, etc. with the ex. But that does slowly fade as life trucks on and we make new memories. It won't always be this painful. 

Thank you for your comforting words these last days, it’s amazing that complete strangers can help give words of reassurance when you feel so alone. I’m hurting a lot at the moment and I hope I can get through this, and who knows, maybe even visit Rome again in future once my heart can accept it.