do unattractive guys struggle with unrequited love much more?

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Well nobody should ever give up. I mean we are told about opposites attracting so surely that happens?

If the goal is to be an unattractive person, but to “land” an attractive partner, then I think that has a much likelier outcome involving unrequited love. And unrequited love is useless. But if the goal is to have a healthy, long term relationship, than “giving up” on the fantasy, and embracing reality will do wonders.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

But unrequited love is love that is not returned, a love that is not felt by the other, so there is no other option but to give up...
It would be madness to do otherwise.

My not give up comment is more that if you really want something then keep looking but I wonder how many guys eventually give up after struggling for a certain amount of time, the question that interest me though is what do these guys find attractive in the people they find attractive? Logic would say that at some point they would need to find some success or is that a perfect world scenario. I do think many would benefit from looking at themselves and try to determine what makes them unattractive to begin with.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, elaine567 said:

I believe anyone can struggle with unrequited love, but I have a feeling unattractive/undesirable people probably do struggle more as they have no other options to take their mind off the rejection of their object of desire.
They cannot rely on a steady stream of people who do find them attractive, so the rejection of their "one true love" can cut very deep.
They can I suppose get stuck on hope regarding this one  beloved person as no-one else is showing any interest whatsoever...

Of course some never get into an unrequited love situation because for them no reciprocation equals no love, so any feelings they did have get shut off immediately.
Next...

Exactly this, the lack of options I think exacerbates a very bad cycle that these people typically find themselves in, hence my belief that if many had one good experience the cycle could in theory be turned the other way. Many I think go through the same thing over and over again and it would be interesting to know the long term effects of that.

Again if the person has no options the option of "next" is largely irrelevant to them and its the lack of next which gets them into the situation to begin with. This topic makes me wish the world was sometimes a gentler and kinder place.

Ultimately all people can do is be the best version of themselves which is a terrible cliche but its the only hope many can realistically cling to. In some respects this topic is like a person looking for a job and they get turned down endlessly, the principle is really fundamentally the same. In neither instance does the person know why they were unsuccessful which again means the cycle continues.

I believe its exactly this market which benefits the owners of dating sites. They rely on this cycle, the marketable guy will be gone after a month, the unattractive guy will be there years hoping miss whoever will like him.

[ZA Dater]

2 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

If the goal is to be an unattractive person, but to “land” an attractive partner, then I think that has a much likelier outcome involving unrequited love. And unrequited love is useless. But if the goal is to have a healthy, long term relationship, than “giving up” on the fantasy, and embracing reality will do wonders.

I think for many reality differs, it is how you perceive it to be. The guy who never finds mutual attraction lives in a very different one to someone who does find that fairly often, so much of how people see things is based on their own experience, I know some people who never get the dating thing right but they get lots of dates with people who find them really attractive, ask yourself if the guy who never gets any dates would benefit from that experience.

The guy who lands up with unrequited love issues typically has no experience and probably none of it good if he does have experience so its easier for someone like that to get into this cycle and never actually get out it but become very unattractive because of it. 

To be honest I find the entire thing very sad and my view is people who struggle with this, struggle not because they are unattractive but because they do not know how to be attractive to others, they do not know what to say, how to act, what to do and they then hang onto an idea. 

I'd also bet that guys who struggle with this have very niche interests in life.

[elaine567]

This thread seems to concentrate on finding dates, but there are also people suffering who are actually dating or indeed living with or married to people who do not love them and have never loved them.. They are in love but their partner has never said it back, refuses to say it back or point blank says they are not in love...
The one in love lives in hope that one day their love will be reciprocated. 

[Syd8]

On 4/2/2021 at 8:37 PM, DrasticMeasurements said:

Unrequited love is when you have feelings for somebody but they don’t feel the same. While personality is important in MAINTAINING relationships. Good looks play a role in developing relationships. It’s very common for guys who are not good looking to have feelings for a very pretty woman, only to get crushed when she doesn’t like him back.

 

I’m sure a good looking guy would have better chances of her returning the love favor. 
 

Thoughts?

Being an unattractive and down right ugly male myself I can tell you that yes, we do get crushed over and over. It's not fun at all and leads to depression and even suicidal thoughts. Unattractive males are always told "it's what's on the inside that matters" . It's suppose to give us hope but it doesn't. But sooner or later you just accept the fact that love is only meant for the beautiful people. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Syd8 said:

But sooner or later you just accept the fact that love is only meant for the beautiful people. 

I’m sure at the extreme end of the curve this may be true (in general) for both men and women. But there’s a continuum. I’ve seen very “ugly” couples many times. I personally knew quite an ugly couple, and they seemed quite happy. For context, the woman in the relationship looked like Gimli from the Lord of the Rings movies. Without the beard of course. But she had a long time boyfriend who I met. He was also unattractive by most standards. 
 

I think what being unattractive actually does is decreases confidence, and depending on other factors, can also impact self worth if it’s your beliefs that external looks are what makes people worthy of being loved. And it’s that lack of confidence and self-worth that actually impedes developing relationships more than anything. 

[flitzanu]

On 4/2/2021 at 10:37 PM, DrasticMeasurements said:

Unrequited love is when you have feelings for somebody but they don’t feel the same. While personality is important in MAINTAINING relationships. Good looks play a role in developing relationships. It’s very common for guys who are not good looking to have feelings for a very pretty woman, only to get crushed when she doesn’t like him back.

 

I’m sure a good looking guy would have better chances of her returning the love favor. 
 

Thoughts?

no way.  i'm gorgeous and full of unrequited love from women.

[DrasticMeasurements]

9 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think what being unattractive actually does is decreases confidence, and depending on other factors, can also impact self worth if it’s your beliefs that external looks are what makes people worthy of being loved. And it’s that lack of confidence and self-worth that actually impedes developing relationships more than anything. 

It’s stuff like this that pushes me to quote statistics. I’ve heard from CDC studies that 95% of people ages 25-34 have had a relationship or sex. Given that at least 10% of the population suffers regularly from depression, that would infer that even the majority of depressed people have been in relationship, that’s even if 100% of non-depressed people have dated.

Depression is commonly associated with lacking confidence and self worth, yet it doesn’t stop dating if we look at the numbers. The issue with dating outside your league is that, for example, an attractive woman gets far more attention; so an average guy who talks to her tends to be lumped into the “like every other guy” category. I don’t believe that women are less visual than men are because that’s what pickup artists claim that it’s all game to get people to buy their baloney.

Btw, it’s pointed out that Julia Roberts married Lyle Lovett to “prove” a point. Well, they divorced. I’m not saying looks still matter after the dating phase, but their divorce showed that personality wasn’t helping them.
 

[elaine567]

I think there is a difference between "depression" that is borne out of poor social skills, jadedness. bitterness and failure to secure a mate, and clinically diagnosed depression.
A clinically depressed person, when not actually depressed or when taking medication may be witty, charming, confident and very successful in securing a mate.  

[ZA Dater]

On 5/1/2021 at 9:33 AM, elaine567 said:

I think there is a difference between "depression" that is borne out of poor social skills, jadedness. bitterness and failure to secure a mate, and clinically diagnosed depression.
A clinically depressed person, when not actually depressed or when taking medication may be witty, charming, confident and very successful in securing a mate.  

I think there is some truth to this but for the bold part. One can have decent social skills and still fail over and over again, its about having the RIGHT social skills which I believe are dating specific. 

I think with anything, if you try and try and try and never get anywhere the natural feeling is to be despondent, that is quite normal but the issue really is at what point does a lack of success have a fundamental impact on the person? 

[Weezy1973]

6 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

at what point does a lack of success have a fundamental impact on the person? 

It’s going to depend on the person. Someone with low self worth will likely think there lack of success means there’s something fundamentally wrong with themselves and get demoralized, whereas someone with healthy self worth will will shrug it off and try again a different way until they succeed.

[ZA Dater]

3 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

It’s going to depend on the person. Someone with low self worth will likely think there lack of success means there’s something fundamentally wrong with themselves and get demoralized, whereas someone with healthy self worth will will shrug it off and try again a different way until they succeed.

Perhaps but how much self worth do people attach to having a partner? Logically a lack of success over a prolonged period of time does indicate there is something wrong with the person, that is a logical deduction to make. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Perhaps but how much self worth do people attach to having a partner?

None, if you have healthy self worth. You’re always worthy regardless of what happens.

2 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

Logically a lack of success over a prolonged period of time does indicate there is something wrong with the person, that is a logical deduction to make. 

No. Logically a lack of success means you’re doing things the wrong way. Nothing wrong with you, just what you’re doing.

[ZA Dater]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

None, if you have healthy self worth. You’re always worthy regardless of what happens.

No. Logically a lack of success means you’re doing things the wrong way. Nothing wrong with you, just what you’re doing.

I am glad you can think that way because I suspect most would not. Ultimately while guys who never get much "love" in return do become damaged they do have choices too. Settle for someone they do not find attractive or improve themselves to attract someone they do find attractive. What I do find amazing is how its always guys who seem to struggle more with this, I guess because eventually these guys just settle for whoever will show them a modicum of interest so ladies have a whole ton of choice.

[Weezy1973]

41 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Ultimately while guys who never get much "love" in return do become damaged they do have choices too.

They don’t become damaged by unrequited love. Nobody does. They may lack resilience due to a difficult childhood, but the actual unrequited love in adulthood does no damage. It’s just a story they tell themselves. 

 

43 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Settle for someone they do not find attractive or improve themselves to attract someone they do find attractive.

These are a couple options. There are more. For most people as they mature the qualities they find attractive change. So normal growth can change the dynamic. Also opening oneself to the possibility of attraction growing over time is helpful. 

 

45 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

What I do find amazing is how its always guys who seem to struggle more with this,

Um what? Read the threads in here; men and women struggle with these things equally. 

 

47 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

, I guess because eventually these guys just settle for whoever will show them a modicum of interest so ladies have a whole ton of choice.

Nope.

[DrasticMeasurements]

On 5/2/2021 at 8:21 AM, Weezy1973 said:

It’s going to depend on the person. Someone with low self worth will likely think there lack of success means there’s something fundamentally wrong with themselves and get demoralized, whereas someone with healthy self worth will will shrug it off and try again a different way until they succeed.

Self worth isn’t determined by whether you win or lose, but the issue is there may not be a different approach, sometimes it’s the people or places you pursue. Example, you can run as a liberal Democrat in South Alabama over and over again. The issue is that the electorate there will not accept that. But in other states, they will. Similar with dating.

Looks don’t determine your self worth, but others may perceive you based on certain aspects of your looks. Just go to a job interview in gym clothes and act like no one cares. You’ll see what I mean. Also, would you hire someone with a neck tattoo? Even if they regretted putting it on, this takes toll on them.
 

Obesity is a major turnoff because it’s seen as laziness and lacking self control of ones life. Since gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, it’s also making it difficult to mingle in Christian youth groups. The idea is that everyone has natural beauty, but the choices people make tends to ruin it.

[Weezy1973]

35 minutes ago, DrasticMeasurements said:

.Example, you can run as a liberal Democrat in South Alabama over and over again. The issue is that the electorate there will not accept that. But in other states, they will. Similar with dating.

Like I said, trying things a different way is the best option. Moving, and running in a more liberal area could work. Or perhaps staying and starting a grassroots organization to start changing minds. 

 

37 minutes ago, DrasticMeasurements said:

The idea is that everyone has natural beauty, but the choices people make tends to ruin it.

Not everyone has natural beauty. That’s a false premise. And life choices can detract or enhance one’s attractiveness depending on the choices. But most importantly, one’s natural beauty, something that is merely genetic, has nothing to do with one’s self worth. Or ability to find love.

[ZA Dater]

I think guys who suffer from this issue do have ONE thing in their power and that is to control how they react to rejection and how they move forward after it. I do not believe there is anything wrong with chasing what you like but then you need to realize that the chase is as good as its ever going to get because you wont be able to actually get across the finish line.

[Weezy1973]

3 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I do not believe there is anything wrong with chasing what you like but then you need to realize that the chase is as good as its ever going to get because you wont be able to actually get across the finish line.

I think guys who see things this way only see women as objects. They’re not really interested in a relationship. Expending energy in “chasing” something that they’ll never get is a colossal waste of time and speaks to deeper mental issues.

[ZA Dater]

50 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

I think guys who see things this way only see women as objects. They’re not really interested in a relationship. Expending energy in “chasing” something that they’ll never get is a colossal waste of time and speaks to deeper mental issues.

Well not because like everything some people like to just keep busy, its better to aspire to something than to aspire to nothing.

[dramafreezone]

On 5/3/2021 at 7:59 AM, DrasticMeasurements said:

Self worth isn’t determined by whether you win or lose, but the issue is there may not be a different approach, sometimes it’s the people or places you pursue. Example, you can run as a liberal Democrat in South Alabama over and over again. The issue is that the electorate there will not accept that. But in other states, they will. Similar with dating.

Looks don’t determine your self worth, but others may perceive you based on certain aspects of your looks. Just go to a job interview in gym clothes and act like no one cares. You’ll see what I mean. Also, would you hire someone with a neck tattoo? Even if they regretted putting it on, this takes toll on them.
 

Obesity is a major turnoff because it’s seen as laziness and lacking self control of ones life. Since gluttony is one of the seven deadly sins, it’s also making it difficult to mingle in Christian youth groups. The idea is that everyone has natural beauty, but the choices people make tends to ruin it.

The liberal Democrat in South Alabama has a significant disadvantage, but it's not impossible for that candidate to win.  They just have to make up for that in some extraordinary way.  We vote for who we like over everything.  If that Democrat has an extraordinary ability to connect with people and make them feel good about themselves, and can make people believe that he has their best interests at heart, he could absolutely win.  Most politicians go the opposite route though, they tear someone else down to build themselves up, which is the easier road.  Doing that, the Democrat doesn't have a shot.

Similarly, your job candidate that comes to the interview in gym clothes is at a significant disadvantage.  But that person could be so far ahead in every other aspect of the job that he would at least merit serious consideration.  Can this candidate be an asset to the company despite his appearance?  Or is image essential to your business?  If the latter, then of course he doesn't have a shot.  If the bottom line is what matters, he has a shot.

And that translates into dating.  If you're short, obese, lacking in charisma, or broke, those are disadvantages.  People that say they aren't are lying.  And there will be some that disqualify the guy simply based on their disadvantage.  Can't worry about them, they're not even an option. 

You worry about the ones that don't care, or at least that disadvantage doesn't loom in their minds as much as others.  Try to flip the votes of those people with the remaining qualities that you do have.  You can't be average in everything else though.  If you have a disadvantage, you always have to make up for it by being extraordinary elsewhere. 

"Pick a struggle" is what the kids say these days.  You can't be broke and obese.  If you're obese, stack money.  If you're broke, get into the best shape of your life.  Ideally you do all of it.

Edited May 4, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Envy123]

I definitely agree with trying to ramp up one benefit (like charisma) to make up for a drawback (like obesity). I have done exactly that, and I've had more success while being obese. My boring and childish behaviour when I was thinner, was such a turn-off for girls. But I'd advise to not go overboard on this for those who want to ramp up the charisma. I had the misfortune of knowing an ex-coworker, who tried to do the same thing but ended up acting arrogant and entitled.

Attitude is so important.