do unattractive guys struggle with unrequited love much more?

[LuckyM]

I totally agree. Looks are about 85 to 90% of meeting and dating. It may be called shallow but that's life. Unrequited reactions also occur with married women whom unattractive guys are in love with.  Most of these women will never know or even care. All the other reasons for dating and marrying are valid but trail behind good looks because that is what we see

[Envy123]

6 hours ago, Weezy1973 said:

Do you experience unrequited love often? 
 

Congrats on losing the weight!

Thank you.

I experienced way more unrequited love back when I was thinner, compared to now when I'm obese. I chalk it down to a difference in attitudes.

I was arrogant when I was thinner, while now, I'm more humble.

I sure hope to not pick up the arrogant personality again when I lose more weight.

[mark clemson]

Quote

do unattractive guys struggle with unrequited love much more?

 

I'll take "unrequited love" to mean the guy is interested in a woman he knows as a romantic partner, but she is not interested in return.

I doubt there is any data, but it doesn't sound completely unreasonable to speculate that, statistically on average, they might.

[ZA Dater]

4 hours ago, SumGuy said:

I will agree that the more physically attractive one is found to be the lower the bar on personality, but in my experience not much and only in the short term.  Annoying traits rationalized because of physical attraction come back and build over time if not addressed.   

Not a bad way to think of it, I'll admit there are worlds (social circles, etc.) where the majority of people (but not all) are all about looks, and money from what you describe.  In my experience it really is not hard to find the world of which I speak, of course if one still believes it is still all about looks and money/status and/or that is what is all one cares about, it will be hard to fit into the world of which I speak.

Have you read "The City and The City"  perhaps it is like that?

I'd like to believe all of the above. 

[Weezy1973]

2 hours ago, Envy123 said:

I experienced way more unrequited love back when I was thinner, compared to now when I'm obese. I chalk it down to a difference in attitudes.

I was arrogant when I was thinner, while now, I'm more humble.

So you’re getting mutual attraction now? Are the women you’re attracted to the same as when you were thinner? Or has your taste changed?

[Envy123]

1 hour ago, Weezy1973 said:

So you’re getting mutual attraction now? Are the women you’re attracted to the same as when you were thinner? Or has your taste changed?

Way more mutual attraction compared to the sporadic attraction before.

I’ve gone from being desperate and wanting to be with any girl, to being pickier.

[DrasticMeasurements]

On 4/7/2021 at 9:49 AM, SumGuy said:

Thought is you are thinking about it all wrong.   

First, if there is no relationship it is not so much unrequited love but unrequited lust. 

Second you are wrong that personality has no role in initial attraction it has every role, legion are the women who thought a guy looked good and then he opened his mouth.  

Third, from your phrasing it appears you completely misunderstand the role of looks, "good looks" is so subjective as to be near meaningless, each woman has a different look she likes and if you speak with enough women you'd likely be very surprised how broad that is.  I may be reading "good looks" too narrowly, if you mean by bad looks grossly out of shape, bad hygiene and the like yah, that is a problem for many.

Fourth, if one is getting crushed from unrequited lust, that bespeaks insecurity, and insecurity shows, and insecurity is often unattractive.  Being shy and reserved is not necessarily insecurity of the unattractive kind.   Being brash, cocky and obnoxious (essentially) is not being secure... and is also unattractive to many.

I'm sure a guy with the look she likes has a better chance of getting her attention by looks alone, but keeping it or having it returned...depends on what comes out of his mouth.

The guy who has looks that are OK but maybe not good in her eyes, yet can really impress her with his personality has the best chance of having it returned.  

I’d probably agree with point one that it’s unrequited lust/attraction, since that happens before love, even though you can have one without the other. 
 

As far as personality is concerned, I think you mean CHARACTER. Because that’s more important in long term relationships, compared to charisma. I would agree that a guy who opens his mouth and goes on about drugs or cheating people off is an instant attraction killer to women, at least those with a head on their shoulders. I’m personally interested in women who share my faith/values and don’t like clubbing. A youth ministry could be a good place.
 

I would believe that obesity (I’m 40 lbs Overweight) is a much bigger turnoff because it’s more about your personal lifestyle rather than just your looks. I’ve read studies which surprised me, such as about 40-50% of nurses being disgusted with treating obese patients and seeing them as lazy. Nurses are saints compared to most people and even they’re far more conscious others’ health than we are.
 

I’m not self-conscious about how I look, because I often forget to look in the mirror. It’s a stereotype that women spend an hour in the mirror while guys just glance and go. It should kind of be both ways. If you want to date someone attractive, be attractive. When I was skinnier years ago, I got a lot more looks and attention from the opposite sex, all else equal, but I wasn’t keen on the signs.

[DrasticMeasurements]

As Wiseman2 states earlier, “everybody has been rejected by a crush”. The difference is that if you’re constantly being rejected by the same type of people, it’s time to change yourself or the type of people you’re pursuing relationships with.

I have to quote statistics to get a better idea. CDC states that around 15% of people in the 20-24 age group are virgins. The vast majority have been sexually experienced or dated. It doesn’t mean those who dated haven’t been rejected, it just means it wasn’t perpetual.

Edited April 12, 2021 by DrasticMeasurements

[SumGuy]

On 4/12/2021 at 10:04 AM, DrasticMeasurements said:

...
As far as personality is concerned, I think you mean CHARACTER. Because that’s more important in long term relationships, compared to charisma. I would agree that a guy who opens his mouth and goes on about drugs or cheating people off is an instant attraction killer to women, at least those with a head on their shoulders. I’m personally interested in women who share my faith/values and don’t like clubbing. A youth ministry could be a good place....

Agree in part and disagree in part.  Yes character is very important for long term, and it can show in personality.   I do mean personality though when a good looking guy opens his mouth, he may come off as stupid, dull, obnoxious, creepy, arrogant, overbearing, not hear her, etc.  Several of those are not incompatible with fidelity, faith/values.   

Quote

I would believe that obesity (I’m 40 lbs Overweight) is a much bigger turnoff because it’s more about your personal lifestyle rather than just your looks. I’ve read studies which surprised me, such as about 40-50% of nurses being disgusted with treating obese patients and seeing them as lazy. Nurses are saints compared to most people and even they’re far more conscious others’ health than we are.

Yah being so out of shape can be a turn off, although depending on how tall you are 40lb may not be so bad, yet I've seen obese guys (and they were not rich) with hot women not so rarely, but in each case the guys were a blast to be around.

I've dated nurses, sure there are saints, but a lot of really control freak ones (reported from the nurses themselves).

[DrasticMeasurements]

On 4/14/2021 at 3:09 PM, SumGuy said:

Yah being so out of shape can be a turn off, although depending on how tall you are 40lb may not be so bad, yet I've seen obese guys (and they were not rich) with hot women not so rarely, but in each case the guys were a blast to be around.

 

When you say “blast to be around” you’re probably saying they were very extroverted, witty, and had great comebacks. I used to be insecure around such guys because they would typically suck up the conversation and wouldn’t let me talk because of all the noise. Then I did my research and found that almost none of them are married. Basically, they would find dates at clubs or pubs and most women wouldn’t take them seriously, in fact, they’d use their lighthearted personality as a ploy to avoid responsibility in life.

While I don’t disagree that women want someone who is fun, I’d say it’s less common among conservative, churchgoing types. Otherwise, you’d see them with the fun, atheist guys who get smoked at bars every weekend. What they look for first is: faith and character. Although that takes quite a while to assess which is why most of my close friends encourage friendship with women and then ask them serious questions about their family and beliefs. 
 

Interestingly enough, I asked a few couples if they were physically attracted when they first met, and they all said yes.

[SumGuy]

19 hours ago, DrasticMeasurements said:

When you say “blast to be around” you’re probably saying they were very extroverted, witty, and had great comebacks. I used to be insecure around such guys because they would typically suck up the conversation and wouldn’t let me talk because of all the noise. Then I did my research and found that almost none of them are married. Basically, they would find dates at clubs or pubs and most women wouldn’t take them seriously, in fact, they’d use their lighthearted personality as a ploy to avoid responsibility in life.

While I don’t disagree that women want someone who is fun, I’d say it’s less common among conservative, churchgoing types. Otherwise, you’d see them with the fun, atheist guys who get smoked at bars every weekend. What they look for first is: faith and character. Although that takes quite a while to assess which is why most of my close friends encourage friendship with women and then ask them serious questions about their family and beliefs. 
 

Interestingly enough, I asked a few couples if they were physically attracted when they first met, and they all said yes.

Such guys I am thinking of were a blast because they incorporated you into things, so very much the opposite of the attention hog (actually the attention hog guys were usually the "good-looking" ones).  The guys I knew brought people together, inclusive, thoughtful and encourage others to join in.  Invariably very kind guys socially, you felt good about yourself being around them.  A blast in that way.

Some married, some not.  Really more an age thing.  Not counting people who got married then let themselves go.  Had nothing to do with clubs, drinking or partying.  In general they seemed as responsible as anyone else, more so when it came to work in many ways.  Yes, though not necessarily a church going crowd, not what brought us together; some went to  church, others not.

[dramafreezone]

On 4/12/2021 at 7:04 AM, DrasticMeasurements said:

I’d probably agree with point one that it’s unrequited lust/attraction, since that happens before love, even though you can have one without the other. 
 

As far as personality is concerned, I think you mean CHARACTER. Because that’s more important in long term relationships, compared to charisma. I would agree that a guy who opens his mouth and goes on about drugs or cheating people off is an instant attraction killer to women, at least those with a head on their shoulders. I’m personally interested in women who share my faith/values and don’t like clubbing. A youth ministry could be a good place.
 

I would believe that obesity (I’m 40 lbs Overweight) is a much bigger turnoff because it’s more about your personal lifestyle rather than just your looks. I’ve read studies which surprised me, such as about 40-50% of nurses being disgusted with treating obese patients and seeing them as lazy. Nurses are saints compared to most people and even they’re far more conscious others’ health than we are.
 

I’m not self-conscious about how I look, because I often forget to look in the mirror. It’s a stereotype that women spend an hour in the mirror while guys just glance and go. It should kind of be both ways. If you want to date someone attractive, be attractive. When I was skinnier years ago, I got a lot more looks and attention from the opposite sex, all else equal, but I wasn’t keen on the signs.

Slightly off topic, but what does "nurses are saints" mean?  Hope you're not implying that they're of higher moral character because of their chosen profession, that's certainly not the case.

[Stupidkupid]

On 4/14/2021 at 9:09 PM, SumGuy said:

Agree in part and disagree in part.  Yes character is very important for long term, and it can show in personality.   I do mean personality though when a good looking guy opens his mouth, he may come off as stupid, dull, obnoxious, creepy, arrogant, overbearing, not hear her, etc.  Several of those are not incompatible with fidelity, faith/values.   

Yah being so out of shape can be a turn off, although depending on how tall you are 40lb may not be so bad, yet I've seen obese guys (and they were not rich) with hot women not so rarely, but in each case the guys were a blast to be around.

I've dated nurses, sure there are saints, but a lot of really control freak ones (reported from the nurses themselves).

I'm fairly atrractive (not knock your socks off but not bad, scrub up okay). My partner is overweight. He is kind, intelligent and we share values. He supports my career, i his and many of our notivations and interests are the same.

Hes funny so... yes.

[Stupidkupid]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

Slightly off topic, but what does "nurses are saints" mean?  Hope you're not implying that they're of higher moral character because of their chosen profession, that's certainly not the case.

Indeed. Because if it was they wouldn't be expressing their disgust about a cohort of their patients eh?

[DrasticMeasurements]

On 4/19/2021 at 4:23 PM, Stupidkupid said:

Indeed. Because if it was they wouldn't be expressing their disgust about a cohort of their patients eh?

Not necessarily better than the rest of us, but many of them worked 12 hours a day in the heat of COVID and dealt with all types of grim situations. That requires a ton of patience. The fact that obese patients bring negative responses to them shows that being out of shape isn’t easy on the eyes.

If two men ask a woman out (One of them looks good and the other is not) and she’s not very free in schedule, chances are she’ll go with the former. Unless he’s a jerk or total dunce. But it’s common sense that you can look good and be decent in character.

 

[ZA Dater]

On 4/19/2021 at 7:42 PM, SumGuy said:

Such guys I am thinking of were a blast because they incorporated you into things, so very much the opposite of the attention hog (actually the attention hog guys were usually the "good-looking" ones).  The guys I knew brought people together, inclusive, thoughtful and encourage others to join in.  Invariably very kind guys socially, you felt good about yourself being around them.  A blast in that way.

Some married, some not.  Really more an age thing.  Not counting people who got married then let themselves go.  Had nothing to do with clubs, drinking or partying.  In general they seemed as responsible as anyone else, more so when it came to work in many ways.  Yes, though not necessarily a church going crowd, not what brought us together; some went to  church, others not.

Those type of guys typically do very well at dating because they incorporate others and this is seen as kindness and inclusivity. Attraction is very subjective so ugly to one is ok to someone else but the important thing, as people we should not allow the opinions others taint the way we see ourselves.

 

[ZA Dater]

Of course there is an alternative, you cant control who likes you but you can to some extent control what you look like.....

[BaileyB]

Personally, I think “good looks” matter much more to men than women. 

Women are very capable of having a relationship with a man who is average looking. 

While good lucks may get you noticed, attraction is much more complicated for a woman. 

Unrequited love occurs when one develops feelings or a crush on another and those feelings are not reciprocated. That may have little or nothing to do with physical appearance. 

Edited April 25, 2021 by BaileyB

[ZA Dater]

12 hours ago, BaileyB said:

Personally, I think “good looks” matter much more to men than women. 

Women are very capable of having a relationship with a man who is average looking. 

While good lucks may get you noticed, attraction is much more complicated for a woman. 

Unrequited love occurs when one develops feelings or a crush on another and those feelings are not reciprocated. That may have little or nothing to do with physical appearance. 

With respect as someone who has cat fished before I can tell some people find my personality to be great but when they see what I look like all attraction is gone. Looks open the door for the interview and if you do not have them then the door is never opened. Personality of connection cannot ever make up for looks. In my opinion at least.

I do think "unattractive" guys do struggle more, how could they not when they are not getting interviews? So it stands to reason they will struggle a lot more because well why would miss whoever bother with someone she does not find physically attractive. I will go one further and say very few women under 40 will give a guy with average looks the benefit of the doubt.

[Weezy1973]

15 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I will go one further and say very few women under 40 will give a guy with average looks the benefit of the doubt.

Average looking women certainly will. The problem comes when average looking men are holding out for above average looking women (and vice versa). 

[ZA Dater]

On 4/27/2021 at 2:21 AM, Weezy1973 said:

Average looking women certainly will. The problem comes when average looking men are holding out for above average looking women (and vice versa). 

I do not think anyone on this planet should ever aspire to be "average".

[Weezy1973]

4 hours ago, ZA Dater said:

I do not think anyone on this planet should ever aspire to be "average".

Average is just a statistical term. One can’t control the genetics they were given regardless of aspirations.

[ZA Dater]

22 minutes ago, Weezy1973 said:

Average is just a statistical term. One can’t control the genetics they were given regardless of aspirations.

Well nobody should ever give up. I mean we are told about opposites attracting so surely that happens?

I think people who lack success at anything struggle at that very thing and will continue to do so until they find success because as soon as someone has some success they grow in confidence and their approach changes from a defeatist one to an optimistic "I can do this" one.

Another think I think is and I have been there is guys who do not enjoy success become ever more creepy because desperation starts leaking out and that is probably very unattractive so when you think you it, guy A with no success likes girl B who has had lots of success and lots of admirers. Guy A has no real way to get girl B interested but he nevertheless tries but because guy A has no experience he misreads a friendly  hello and a smile from Girl B as "she likes me". He might not be unattractive but the way he tries to communicate makes him unattractive.

Sadly this cycle goes on and on. So my view is guys who get involved in this end up making themselves unattractive.

[elaine567]

29 minutes ago, ZA Dater said:

Well nobody should ever give up

But unrequited love is love that is not returned, a love that is not felt by the other, so there is no other option but to give up...
It would be madness to do otherwise.

[elaine567]

I believe anyone can struggle with unrequited love, but I have a feeling unattractive/undesirable people probably do struggle more as they have no other options to take their mind off the rejection of their object of desire.
They cannot rely on a steady stream of people who do find them attractive, so the rejection of their "one true love" can cut very deep.
They can I suppose get stuck on hope regarding this one  beloved person as no-one else is showing any interest whatsoever...

Of course some never get into an unrequited love situation because for them no reciprocation equals no love, so any feelings they did have get shut off immediately.
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