Difficult Times - Advice

[Klt]

My partner and I have been together for a year, and we moved in after the first 3 months of dating. It felt like love at first sight for both of us, as we immediately clicked and became inseparable. We’ve never even had a fight or argument since being together. We really just felt like the best of friends, on the same level with the same mindset. Usually we would talk non stop, even messaging while at work. We would have date nights and even movie nights on Mondays etc. We adopted a cat together a month ago and applied for a partnership visa (for him) a couple weeks ago as well.

However, a week ago he seemed a little off. He wasn’t his usual goofy self and I just knew something was wrong. He asked if we could talk, and said he felt that we didn’t talk as much anymore and how we weren’t having sex as frequently as we used to. By this point we hadn’t been intimate in about 2-3 weeks. He said it had nothing to do with me, he just didn’t have the desire and although he still loves me, his feelings had faded a little, but he didn’t know why since I’ve been the healthiest relationship and best girlfriend he’s ever had.

I thought maybe it was stress from the visa. He never wanted to do a partner visa, because he wanted to know he could become a resident all on his own. But being on a student visa was a waste of time, and since we saw a future together we figured a partner visa would be the best opportunity long term.

Since having the chat, our conversations have become more serious in tone, and we still haven’t been intimate. I can tell that I’ve become very reserved as a way to protect myself in case things end. Ive always been poor at initiating sex (and he knows), but now I’m worried that if I try, that he’ll reject me because his feelings have faded a little.

I don’t know if taking a break for a couple weeks would help us reevaluate what we want, or if it’ll bring everything to an end. I haven’t spoken to any friends or family about this as they’ve been helping us with the visa and it would be an embarrassing slap in the face.

[Keridan]

23 minutes ago, Klt said:

My partner and I have been together for a year, and we moved in after the first 3 months of dating. It felt like love at first sight for both of us, as we immediately clicked and became inseparable. We’ve never even had a fight or argument since being together. We really just felt like the best of friends, on the same level with the same mindset. Usually we would talk non stop, even messaging while at work. We would have date nights and even movie nights on Mondays etc. We adopted a cat together a month ago and applied for a partnership visa (for him) a couple weeks ago as well.

However, a week ago he seemed a little off. He wasn’t his usual goofy self and I just knew something was wrong. He asked if we could talk, and said he felt that we didn’t talk as much anymore and how we weren’t having sex as frequently as we used to. By this point we hadn’t been intimate in about 2-3 weeks. He said it had nothing to do with me, he just didn’t have the desire and although he still loves me, his feelings had faded a little, but he didn’t know why since I’ve been the healthiest relationship and best girlfriend he’s ever had.

I thought maybe it was stress from the visa. He never wanted to do a partner visa, because he wanted to know he could become a resident all on his own. But being on a student visa was a waste of time, and since we saw a future together we figured a partner visa would be the best opportunity long term.

Since having the chat, our conversations have become more serious in tone, and we still haven’t been intimate. I can tell that I’ve become very reserved as a way to protect myself in case things end. Ive always been poor at initiating sex (and he knows), but now I’m worried that if I try, that he’ll reject me because his feelings have faded a little.

I don’t know if taking a break for a couple weeks would help us reevaluate what we want, or if it’ll bring everything to an end. I haven’t spoken to any friends or family about this as they’ve been helping us with the visa and it would be an embarrassing slap in the face.

So I give him points for being upfront about it first of all. Second, I think he's wrong. I think he's afraid of commitment and that things will continue to change as you get more comfortable together.

Truth is, the why doesn't matter as much as what you do about it. It seems you think the relationship is worth saving, so do that.

Start with returning the favor he did to you and confront it directly. That would always be my first step. Tell him how you feel about initiating sex and your fear of rejection. Ask him if there is something you can do to help that (nice undies, romantic weekend, date night, whatever). Also tell him about your feelings. Are yours fading? Are you just getting more comfortable with him? That type of stuff.

Then follow through on any plans you make from that conversation. Make sure you both have responsibilities in what is going to happen to rekindle.

By the way, for what it's worth, surprise romantic gestures can mean a lot a year in.

[d0nnivain]

I never understand people who move at lightening speed.  Moving in with somebody you have only know for 90 days seem rash.  I don't care how in love you think you are.  At that early stage the other person is a relative stranger to you. 

If you are thinking long term, 2-3 weeks of trouble is barely a drop in the bucket but you are both right to be concerned.  

This relationship may have run it's course.  He's where you are on a student visa & you are applying for a partner visa.  That means he's thinking about leaving his country forever (or close to it) & putting down roots where you are.  That is a lot to ask.  He may be realizing he wants to go home.  

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Klt said:

 we moved in after the first 3 months of dating. applied for a partnership visa (for him) 

. He never wanted to do a partner visa, because he wanted to know he could become a resident all on his own. 

Wow. Way too much way too soon. Stop fast forwarding this. Stop micromanaging his life. Stop with the visa thing.

Step back and breathe. Give him some space. You're trying to make him into a husband asap. Stop. 

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Weezy1973]

Yup, this is a common theme for people who fall in “love” at first sight. The relationship fades as the early infatuation does. You moved way too fast based on early stage hormones, and now that they’re fading, the relationship doesn’t seem as sparkly anymore. Who knows what will happen, but slowing down is a good idea.