Why can I not let go of you?

[EAM19]

Hi, 21 years young here! Got my heartbroken 2 years ago by my first boyfriend and sometimes I write to him and never hit send

I'm crying, 2 years later. Because I miss you still. We have the same friends, and every time I see you I miss you. I date others, have feelings for others, but I miss you when I'm with you.

And last week you were kissing me, and holding me and reminiscing to me. And now nothing. And I cant handle the hot and cold. And I want you to speak to me. And I wonder why you haven't. If you wanted to you could, so who knows.

Everyone I date I'm just trying to fill the void left by you. I want it to be over for me but deep down I know I don't. Because I still want you. I want you to want me. Even though you don't look good anymore, even though you broke my heart, even though you treated me like s***. I let go of the hurt and anger and I'm left with the sadness.

Because I still think of you all the time. I pretend I don't, I lie and say I don't want you. But I do. And I'd take the embarrassment and hurt and pain again if it meant that you'd hold me again and love me.

[d0nnivain]

If you broke up 2 years ago. still have the same friend group, see each other all the time & were kissing last week no wonder you can't get over him & you are still crying.  The proximity is preventing you from heeling.  You really have to disconnect from him to give yourself a real chance to heal.  Now it's like you pick the scab & bleed all over again each time  That's no good.  

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, EAM19 said:

I'm crying, 2 years later. Because I miss you still. We have the same friends, and every time I see you I miss you. I date others, have feelings for others, but I miss you when I'm with you.

And last week you were kissing me, and holding me and reminiscing to me. And now nothing. And I cant handle the hot and cold. And I want you to speak to me. And I wonder why you haven't. If you wanted to you could, so who knows.

You need to not be your own worst enemy here, OP.

You won't move on if you keep hooking up with him. 

[EAM19]

18 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You need to not be your own worst enemy here, OP.

You won't move on if you keep hooking up with him. 

I know. I always say to myself that i won't and then when I'm with him it's all I want to do

[Wiseman2]

It's good you are journalling about it.

When extended sadness and obsessing are becoming issues it's time to get evaluated by a physician and get a referral to a therapist.

A qualified therapist will help you reframe things and help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive thoughts and behaviors.

This isn't really about this guy. It's about you. When you get help and feel better, you won't worship guys who treat you like trash.

 

[EAM19]

10 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

It's good you are journalling about it.

When extended sadness and obsessing are becoming issues it's time to get evaluated by a physician and get a referral to a therapist.

A qualified therapist will help you reframe things and help you replace self-defeating thoughts and behaviors with productive thoughts and behaviors.

This isn't really about this guy. It's about you. When you get help and feel better, you won't worship guys who treat you like trash.

 

Been in therapy twice from it. I'm like this as a person, I take everything to mean too much. He kisses me one night and I'm back crying. Very confusing for me and if I had more self respect I wouldn't have let him

[d0nnivain]

So stay in therapy & read some self help books about building self esteem