[Dumped by Fiance] Emotional disconnection and security

[Kwijiboe]

Hi all,

This is my story.

My fiance broke up with me on Monday, just a few days ago.  We both met in Japan in August of 2018 and were workmates and we worked together for a while before I finally asked her out as I admired her, quite openly from day 1.  Over time we got closer and closer and we became accustomed to spending nights at each other's apartments depending on where we were closest to.  Fast forward to the following year in March 2019 where things spiraled out of control due my past history with lies and deception.  She felt betrayed and hurt and I lost a few friends in the process as well. Normally, I would shield myself and escape, seriously.  But after having met her, for the first time in my life I decided no, enough is enough and I needed to seek help.  Seeing her emotionally distressed, betrayed and hurt crushed me to levels I never thought possible because I usually ran away from problems such as these.

I messaged her and accepted all my faults and apologized to her what all that I had done and acknowledge that no matter how many times I can say sorry, words mean nothing until action is taken.  So action is what I took.  Over the course of a couple of days she finally replied to my messages absolutely bashing me, which I accepted as I deserved it, but glad she reached out to me.  The day before my first session with the therapist she texted me again, with the verbal bashing but at the end saying that she wanted to come to therapy with me.  To me that was the best news I could've asked for.  So, the following day I went to my first session, met her at the front who, understandably was very guarded and quiet, hardly said a word to me.  I accepted it but treated her warmly.  During my first session I finally let go of all my problems, with bottling emotions inside me, my ego and pride, the lies I created.  The analogy of "weight being lifted off your shoulders" was pinpoint true.  Never have I had that feeling until then and it felt so welcome and fresh, honest and relieving.  My therapist gave me her thoughts regarding my situation and even gave me homework.  I had quite a lot to think about despite me feeling relief and open after vomiting up all my problems.  I asked my ex if she wanted to go grab a cup of coffee, and whilst we were at the cafe, I could see signs of her starting to crack in opening up.  We went for lunch and then sat quietly again in the mall where she finally opened up on her feelings about her sadness, disappointment and anxiety.  We talked for hours and I dropped her off home where I left amicably with her despite once or twice wishing to see her again.  

Moving on, we met up a few times and we went on dates and I would end up coming back to her house not because I wanted to but because I actually feared for what she could do to herself as she was smoking, drinking excessively and to the point of almost cutting.  I regularly went for therapy sessions and the rest of my time in Japan was healthy.  I was open about my feelings, I never lied again and my ego was in check.  I was so loving of her and could see spending the rest of my life with her and in the end, I ended up proposing and she became my fiance.  

I left a few weeks later back to Australia after we promised to make things work.  For a time, it did.  She became inseparable via social media and facecam.  She came to Australia for a holiday where we visited potential wedding venues and ended up signing a celebrant.  The following month we met in Indonesia where she's originally from so I could meet with her family and formally apologize for the s*** I had done and to request her hand in marriage.  It seemed we had it right and we were heading in the right direction.  However, Covid-19 hit and that was our first sign of downward spiraling. She had already left Japan and was transiting for a few days in Indonesia with her family before making the move to Australia.  However, during that time the borders had closed and there was no way of her getting here.  During the months she was there she became depressed and aloof and she relied on me to provide her emotional security and empathy.  I did for a time, but then somehow I lost my way in the midst of working and keeping occupied during the pandemic.  Because of my inability to emotionally satisfy her and my growing frustrations I ended up taking a mini-break for 3 weeks from her before she contacted me and we re-ignited.  However, following that, she was never the same.  Fast forward to a few days ago and she finally had enough of me never being able to open up to her, tell her about my days, how I"m feeling etc.  All the things I thought I had overcome in Japan, was lost in me, and finally she just could not see herself with me to provide her that emotional security that she needed.

I was so heartbroken and from her pattern this time, I can feel it may be for the last time as she had broken up with me over messenger, and when we did have moments where we broke up or had big situations, her anger was dominant.  However this case was far too different.  She was pleasant and soft-spoken, as if she were speaking lovingly to me, however it was a breakup talk.  She ended it with me in the most loving way saying that she couldn't feel the emotional security anymore.  She had tried telling me but I was too ignorant of it and still never listened.  She had gone through her darkest times during COVID stuck in Indonesia and I didn't help her mentality.  I had a problem with my ego and pride, was unable to apologize and tried to shift the blame to either her or something else.  For too long it continued, I had lost track of myself and I was losing her and I even saw signs of her losing a bit of attraction to me.  We didn't spend as much time face-camming, texting etc.  But I attributed it all to just comfort.  And in the end, my emotional unavailability, pride and ego was too much for her and she called it quits.

During the breakup I pleaded and begged, as a lot of inexperienced breakup men do.  She was calm in rejecting me, and explained her reasons and why she was doing this.  She said she was happier by herself and that it felt like a weight had been lifted off her chest.  She thanked me and apologized her the hurt she caused me as well, and said that she'll be wanting her things she had sent to Australia back soon, her friend will contact me.  She said it was ok for us to still be friends as she held no grudges.  I resigned to it and accepted the fact that I could not reason with her, as most outside perspectives would.

Following that day, I soul searched and thought about my mistakes and how I had hurt her, put it all onto a document, contacted her the next day and before I sent it to her, she was extremely indifferent.  One word responses, as if completely disconnected and polar opposite of the day before where she was calm and collected and even warm with emojis and laughing around despite the situation.  Now, she would respond with, "Why?", "Good", "So?" when I told her I wanted to properly apologize to her and that the day before I was speaking from a highly strung position.  I tried to be positive about it and explained it wasn't a tactic to win her back and sent her the document anyway.  She replied soon saying she read it and explained in a short-lengthy message that there was no need to apologize as she forgave me already and she was over it and that she found closure a long time ago.  The break-up was it and she was genuinely fine about it.

All conversations after that were about her things, again, in an indifferent approach.  She just keeps reminding me of things to send back but she hasn't actually done anything about getting them back yet.

I genuinely love her and respect her, so much that I've given her some space, and only replied back when she initiates contact with me, which usually is just about her things.  I understand I need to work on self-improvement, and have already contacted therapy and signed up for some sessions again to get my life back on track.  I've joined a gym to go to some classes, focusing on studies to be a Pilot, but I keep finding myself still thinking about her.  She unfriended me on Discord, instagram and blocked me on WhatsApp after I wouldn't cease my status updates (unrelated to her and the breakup).  She doesn't have FB but she has messenger which she still keeps open in case of emergencies or about re-acquiring her things I guess.

I'm absolutely shattered, and have been looking at ways to really overcome this, be confident again, fix my damn problems which I beat before but regressed.  If I can't fix these I'll never be a true human being capable of loving and being in a family.  To this end I still love the woman, and I yearn for her all the time.  I know coaches recommend "no contact" or "focusing on improvement", I get that, but it's extremely hard to do.  I try and go out to take my mind of her and it works, but then I come home and it all comes back.  I know there's a good chance I may not get her back but I want to focus on fixing myself first to show not just to herself, but everyone and myself because if I can't then I'll never progress in my life.

I'd love some feedback and advice if anyone can give me, whether getting her back long term is feasible or not.  She was my life.

Thanks for listening to my story.

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this happened. What type of lies and deception was there? Cheating? 

Work on yourself. She'll be fine with her friends and family support.

[d0nnivain]

International relationships are always tough.  Throw Covid & lock downs on top of that & you have a recipe for disaster.  The stress on your relationship was too much & it broke.  

You met & fell in love but you had issues.  You got therapy -- good for you & tried to address them.  Still you two had distance working against you.  The fact that you have broken up before but gotten back together says that this was dysfunctional all along.  That break up make up cycle is a sign that your relationship is NOT working.  

I really don't understand what your pride or ego have to do with this.  Were you purposefully ignoring her or belittling her?  Covid has been mentally taxing on everybody.  You acknowledge that you were emotionally unavailable & you saw signs she was unhappy.  That is when you should have stepped up to address the issue & made a course correction.  You didn't.  Now that you have lost her you claim you want to change.  That rings hollow (& untrue ) to her because she knows you. 

It's wonderful that you now recognize that you have to work to fix yourself.  That work will take time -- years -- and therapy.  By the time you are finished you & she may no longer have enough in common to sustain a relationship.  Too much time will have passed. 

Going forward, in the future when you see problems developing in a relationship address them right then & there.  When you ignore the problems eventually they tank the relationship.    

[Kwijiboe]

13 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this happened. What type of lies and deception was there? Cheating? 

Work on yourself. She'll be fine with her friends and family support.

@Wiseman2 Hi mate,

Thanks for replying, and so fast too!

No cheating involved.  Basically I was insecure about my life I always talked myself up and pretended to be someone I wasn't.  I can understand people were hurt to find out my life was much different, although now I understand too that people still accepted my life as it were.  I know now just to be more honest about my life.

Thanks for the advice, really.  I know she'll be fine with her family and friends, and if she's happy, someday I'll learn to be happy for her, but right now I'm not in that phase yet.

Thanks again for replying. 🙂

[Kwijiboe]

10 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

International relationships are always tough.  Throw Covid & lock downs on top of that & you have a recipe for disaster.  The stress on your relationship was too much & it broke.  

You met & fell in love but you had issues.  You got therapy -- good for you & tried to address them.  Still you two had distance working against you.  The fact that you have broken up before but gotten back together says that this was dysfunctional all along.  That break up make up cycle is a sign that your relationship is NOT working.  

I really don't understand what your pride or ego have to do with this.  Were you purposefully ignoring her or belittling her?  Covid has been mentally taxing on everybody.  You acknowledge that you were emotionally unavailable & you saw signs she was unhappy.  That is when you should have stepped up to address the issue & made a course correction.  You didn't.  Now that you have lost her you claim you want to change.  That rings hollow (& untrue ) to her because she knows you. 

It's wonderful that you now recognize that you have to work to fix yourself.  That work will take time -- years -- and therapy.  By the time you are finished you & she may no longer have enough in common to sustain a relationship.  Too much time will have passed. 

Going forward, in the future when you see problems developing in a relationship address them right then & there.  When you ignore the problems eventually they tank the relationship.    

@d0nnivain Hi mate,

Thanks for replying!

There were times where I just ignored her, in terms of replying to questions like how I was, or responding to crucial questions regarding our relationship.  In particular, we were talking about ways to fix our relationship towards the end, and I just went days without a response, and that's when she cut things off.  No belittling involved.  I know I should stepped up and addressed the issue but I didn't.  You're possibly right in the sense that I claim to want to change and that it rings hollow and untrue.  I just don't know how to go about it.  In the end, I do need to change anyway or else situations like this will happen again. 

That's true about time.  If that's the case where in the future once I'm able to overcome my flaws, if communication has all but ceased, by then I should be able to carry on with my life.  Who knows, I may have met someone else along the way.  It's wishful thinking right now but yeah, I don't know.  I really don't know.  I'm actually quite emotional right now, haha.  Everytime i think I'm coping, something else will pop up and I'll fall again.

Thanks for the advice.  I'm hoping this mistake won't arise again and that I can recognize the signs earlier and work through my problems to prevent this from happening again.

[d0nnivain]

If it was an effort for you to even respond to your FI something else was going on.  Are you otherwise depressed?  I get closed off & can't muster the energy to communicate when I'm depressed.  I ignored a friend once for so long she sent the cops to my house on a wellness check.  

Otherwise, maybe that was your subconcious reaction to knowing this was not the right relationship with you. When it's good you want to connect. Even when you don't have the energy you make the effort to make your SO feel better / heard / acknowledged .. ..to make sure they don't worry. 

[Kwijiboe]

13 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

 Are you otherwise depressed? 

Somewhat.  Not to the point where I consider myself suicidal or unable to cope with life completely, but teetering on the edges of complete lethargy.  After that, like you, I get closed off and can't find a way to communicate in a timely manner.  I know what I want to say because I've read the messages but I just can't find myself replying and I procrastinate too often.  Unfortunately I let it go too long this time.

[Kwijiboe]

4th April 2021 - Sunday

Day 6 of post-breakup and self-recovery and improvement.

Day 2 of No Contact.

 

Last week (31st March - Wednesday) asked for her belongings back within the month which were still in boxes here in my house.  I replied to her messages positively without any mention of our relationship.  She was very straight and to the point and had lost her warm approach to me.  Now she was quite indifferent I guess with one word responses.  This was only DAY 2.

She asked for a list of her things and I made a video list for her showing her all the items in most of the boxes.  She replied with a couple of things that she thought were missing.  I replied I would find them and put them in her box.  Once or twice throughout the day over Thursday and Friday she would send reminders of a few things to put in the box.  Yesterday ( 3rd April - Saturday), she did not message me at all.  I think she had exhausted things to remind me of to put in the boxes after I had finished completing her requests.  Since then, I had started No Contact and have pursued it into today.

I'm not entirely sure whether I should reach out to her to ask where I'm supposed to be sending this too or to let her approach me first.  In the breakup message she mentioned that her friend would get in contact with me.  Then, on Wednesday she said that she's told me that she's given me the list of what to put in the boxes and that she needs her stuff sent back within the month without her asking. I've done what she wanted and put everything into the boxes and am not sure if I'm supposed to tell her, "Hey, I'm completely done and ready to send them off, who's your friend and what's their address?"   I was just going off what she said before in that her friend would contact me sometime?

I'm in NC to do a little bit of reflecting myself and healing.  I've done putting all her belongings in boxes, just need to wrap them up really.  But what am I supposed to do here?  Reach out to her and re-iterate to her that I've finished?  Send her another video list of all her things done?  Ask for her friend's address?  Or just wait for her to approach me.  Keep in mind that our relationship fell because I wasn't emotionally available to her and that I was quite fond of leaving responses extremely late.

I honestly don't know what to do.  Just yesterday I signed up for my first lot of therapy sessions to help me get through this.  

My cycle throughout the day is like a see saw.  I wake up with sorrow, despair and thoughts about her and start reminiscing and longing.  I get past that and drink some coffee to get my brain charged and I push her out of my head.  Usually I have gym class in the morning so that helps me suppress everything.  After gym class I spend about an hour just driving and video blogging myself expressing my thoughts, feelings and talking about all my faults and flaws and about stories of good and bad vibes.  I figured it was a start to releasing up all my pent up stress and feelings.

Around midday I try and find something else to do, whether it be flight school or just going to the library to study a little bit.  I'm off for another week from work or else I'd just focus all my time into work.  I visit friends if they're available, or message them.  It keeps my mind off negative feelings.  It's the night I dread because as I lay down to bed all thoughts come rushing to my head about her and I repeat the cycle.  She's blocked me on WhatsApp, unfriended me on IG and Discord, she doesn't have FB but keeps me on messenger to talk about her things I guess, so it makes not stalking her a little bit easy.

I'm lost, down, disappointed at myself and as much as I try combat it, I always get pricks of negativity throughout the day and I find myself floating back to despair and longing for her.

I'm honestly, quite f*cked.

 

 

 

Edited April 3, 2021 by Kwijiboe

[Sun Seeker]

There's not much point saying I know I should have done xyz. The fact is you didn't.

Sounds like breaking up was for the best. You are clearly not in the right frame of mind for a serious long term relationship. I'm struggling to understand how you can say you love her so much etc, then admit to taking forever to respond to her? What were you so busy doing that is more important than the apparent love of your life?

Anyway what you do now is you get her stuff ready (I'm not sure how there can be stuff missing and she's telling you things to add, surely you know what's hers, just put it all together) and tell her you need the address to send it to. When she gives it to you, send it, and do not contact her again.

You then focus on sorting yourself out, so you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. If she reaches out to you then sure respond, but let her be.

Edited April 4, 2021 by Punterxx

[Kwijiboe]

49 minutes ago, Punterxx said:

There's not much point saying I know I should have done xyz. The fact is you didn't.

Sounds like breaking up was for the best. You are clearly not in the right frame of mind for a serious long term relationship. I'm struggling to understand how you can say you love her so much etc, then admit to taking forever to respond to her? What were you so busy doing that is more important than the apparent love of your life?

Anyway what you do now is you get her stuff ready (I'm not sure how there can be stuff missing and she's telling you things to add, surely you know what's hers, just put it all together) and tell her you need the address to send it to. When she gives it to you, send it, and do not contact her again.

You then focus on sorting yourself out, so you don't make the same mistakes in your next relationship. If she reaches out to you then sure respond, but let her be.

@Punterxx Hi mate,

Thanks for the tough love.  I really do appreciate it and see your points regarding my situation.  I'll try and follow your advice.

[basil67]

I agree that you need to reach out and ask for the delivery address.  Make sure to get the tracking details and send them to her when it's posted so that she has no reason to get back in contact with you.  

[Kwijiboe]

3 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I agree that you need to reach out and ask for the delivery address.  Make sure to get the tracking details and send them to her when it's posted so that she has no reason to get back in contact with you.  

@basil67 Hi mate,

Thanks for your response.  I see, so based off all the replies it looks like I have to completely cut ties with her despite my bond to her.  I understand where everyone comes from and I'll have to try to work towards that but it's not as easy as it sounds.

The hardest part is just mustering up the courage to reach out to her and ask for the address knowing that could well be the final time I ever talk to her for the rest of my life.  Accepting that is extremely difficult.  I love the outside perspectives from others, but for the person experiencing it, it's on a whole different level.

In any case, I see and hear your point along with the others as well.  Somehow I have to find a way through this.

Cheers!

[ExpatInItaly]

13 hours ago, Kwijiboe said:

I'm in NC to do a little bit of reflecting myself and healing.  I've done putting all her belongings in boxes, just need to wrap them up really.  But what am I supposed to do here?  Reach out to her and re-iterate to her that I've finished?  Send her another video list of all her things done?  Ask for her friend's address?  Or just wait for her to approach me.  Keep in mind that our relationship fell because I wasn't emotionally available to her and that I was quite fond of leaving responses extremely late.

That's why the way you respond to her now makes little difference at this point, in terms of the outcome. 

It's over for her and she just wants her things back. You might as well ask for the address so you can be done with it, too. I get the sense that you're hoping to now show her you're avaiable and cooperative and maybe that will somehow turn this around. But it's too late, man. 

Take the lessons learned here and apply them moving forward. 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 4/3/2021 at 2:22 PM, Kwijiboe said:

There were times where I just ignored her, in terms of replying to questions like how I was, or responding to crucial questions regarding our relationship.  In particular, we were talking about ways to fix our relationship towards the end, and I just went days without a response, and that's when she cut things off.  

I think she just got tired of being treated so poorly and lost feelings for you. Being neglected can kill a relationship. 

Couple that with the previous deception and lying, and I don't see what other outcome this situation could have possibly had. 

What exactly did you lie about, anyway? Job history or education, or? I am thinking it must have been fairly serious and prolonged deceit, if you also lost friends over it. 

[d0nnivain]

Giver her her stuff back.  Don't hold it hostage.  It's in boxes.  Take it to her or ship it but don't drag this out.  Communicate with her as necessary to undo any wedding planning& secure an refunds.  

[Kwijiboe]

@ExpatInItaly

@d0nnivain

Hi guys,

Thanks for replying.

32 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

That's why the way you respond to her now makes little difference at this point, in terms of the outcome. 

It's over for her and she just wants her things back. You might as well ask for the address so you can be done with it, too. I get the sense that you're hoping to now show her you're avaiable and cooperative and maybe that will somehow turn this around. But it's too late, man. 

Take the lessons learned here and apply them moving forward. 

 

I read you.  I've already asked for the address and began taping up the boxes ready for shipping.  Once I get the address from her I'll ship them off and then maybe wish her goodbye.  That'll be it.

26 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think she just got tired of being treated so poorly and lost feelings for you. Being neglected can kill a relationship. 

Couple that with the previous deception and lying, and I don't see what other outcome this situation could have possibly had. 

What exactly did you lie about, anyway? Job history or education, or? I am thinking it must have been fairly serious and prolonged deceit, if you also lost friends over it. 

Yes, in my understanding it was exactly that.  Being treated poorly, no emotional security and feeling neglected killed all future aspirations of marriage with me.  It was mainly job history.  

20 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Giver her her stuff back.  Don't hold it hostage.  It's in boxes.  Take it to her or ship it but don't drag this out.  Communicate with her as necessary to undo any wedding planning& secure an refunds.  

I will be.  As mentioned to @ExpatInItaly, I've asked for the address to send all her stuff back to and began taping up the boxes and getting ready to ship them.  We've done all we can regarding refunds and plans etc.  

Thanks for giving me the truth of it all.  I guess I was blind in false hope.

I know I'm that kind of shitty person, but yeah, I appreciate the advice anyway.  Thanks guys. 🙂