I am astonished by a coworker behaviour, she avoided me blatantly

[marxman2015]

I am M/27 and she is F/24 we are colleagues

She has been showing me signs of interests for a long time and have been acting very approachable and enthusiastic in our interactions. We had a recent gathering of many colleagues. When meeting up, she greets me happily. Then, another girl colleague asked openly in front of others why she is dressing up so nicely today and if she is trying to seduce me. She exclaimed to the girl colleague saying such a question is absurd. Then she pull the girl colleague away to say something. After that, the girl colleague become absent from our gathering.

Then during the whole gathering, she purposefully avoided me very obviously. she cut out all eye contact, withdrawn herself from any conversation that I might be in, and stand as far away from me as possible, while chatting enthusiastically with others. Some other mutual friends find her actions very weird, as we (including her) are supposed to have a good time that night.

In the end, she left without saying good bye to even our mutual friends and basically ran off.

I texted her later at night, and she responded enthusiastically. What is actually going on?

[d0nnivain]

She was embarrassed by the colleague who pointed out her behavior.  She did not want the whole company to know she fancies you so she downplayed it at work.  She was upset about seeming obvious.  She did not want the bosses to know she was acting like a school girl & have them think less of her professionally. 

You best keep your personal interactions outside of work hours.  To that end, ask her on a proper date -- or as close to that as one can come in Covid -- already.  You have delayed & dithered too much already.   She may fear that others are noticing the signs she's clearly laying out for you & she may be embarrassed because if everybody knows yet you aren't making a move they will all know she got rejected.  

Edited April 3, 2021 by d0nnivain

[marxman2015]

Yep. So I just asked her out for dinner next week on text, she said yes but want to do it later.

Then, I ask what day do she have in mind. She said she is not sure, maybe end of april since she is unsure of her exam schedule ( she is going to leave the company next week and start distance learning for university ). I asked her to let me know when she figure out her schedule and she agreed. 

Usually when a girl say she is not sure or maybe, I have high doubt that she is interested.... (As many have said that anything other than a straight yes or a counter offer is a no, and is a way of letting you down gently)

 I don't want to keep my hopes up then have them destroyed.. what are your experience with that ? 😕

[d0nnivain]

I agree that her putting you off is not good.  She knows her schedule for this week so there is no reason to delay.  For your sake I hope she's the exception to the rule but proceed with caution & don't get your hopes up.  Her delay here now reads like major game playing given her other behavior.   

[glows]

She seems like a nervous sort, OP. Move on. When picking a partner, look for maturity. 

Date other women and keep your options open. 

[marxman2015]

Yea... that is what is bugging me

One more factor that I am sorry I didn't add before is that I just broke up with my ex girlfriend of 3 years recently which she knew. Don't know if it would affect her current behaviour or not (as in like she might fear I am looking for a rebound or that I am not emotionally ready enough etc.) plus that I haven't delete pictures of my ex on social media at of this point. 

It may be wise to not have hopes up and move with caution.... 😕

[glows]

I wouldn't read into this or feel too insecure. She's a coworker so keep things professional always. 

Things might be a little confusing for you now after your break up but that's personal and private. If she wanted to get to know you as a person, she would have made an attempt. Her actions or reaction to you only reads that she feels uncomfortable. This is also something to respect in another person. She didn't seem too comfortable at the work gathering so don't push it. You asked her out and that was it. She evaded or gave a vague answer, so it's time to leave it. Don't push anymore. 

At work, keep things professional and cordial only. Give her no reason to read into anything either and I would drop the matter about going out or a date. Don't approach her about it in person either. She knows you are more than interested now. 

If you're feeling a bit disappointed that is normal. You're also newly single so take the opportunity to enjoy that. Don't jump into anything too quickly and don't let one woman get you down, especially a coworker either with whom you have to see and interact with on a professional level.

[d0nnivain]

If she fears that she will be a rebound for her that could explain her hesitancy. 

[smackie9]

Maybe she just wants to think about it, and give you time to adjust which seems to be fair. Since you are now a free agent, free yourself of your ex on your social media. Start cleaning off the slate, keep busy, date other women.

[kendahke]

Sounds like there is some bad blood between the two involving guys and interest in the workplace and the colleague was outting her for "doing it again".

Does this chick have a boyfriend and the colleague knows she does, but you don't?

No behavior happens in a vacuum.

Also: don't poop where you eat.

Edited April 3, 2021 by kendahke

[marxman2015]

Maybe I shall wait for her to figure out her schedule as she agreed. I wouldn't let myself to hold high hope on this one because no one is actually that busy (at least not likely).... but on the off chance that my recent break up might deter her from going out with me immediately, and that she showed dramatic reaction after being called out (maybe she wants to have things or rumors quiet down first) or she really could be that busy,  maybe I should give her the benefit of the doubt and time to see how it goes. 

 

 

 

44 minutes ago, kendahke said:

Sounds like there is some bad blood between the two involving guys and interest in the workplace and the colleague was outting her for "doing it again".

Does this chick have a boyfriend and the colleague knows she does, but you don't?

No behavior happens in a vacuum.

Also: don't poop where you eat.

a few weeks ago, she told me that she does not have a boyfriend (2 other friends were also present when she said that), I would believe her words, plus she really does not seem to have a boyfriend.

Edited April 3, 2021 by marxman2015

[dramafreezone]

Are you serious dude?  She was embarassed by the other woman's comment, obviously.

You asked her out and she said she's not sure when.  She's not that interested right at this moment.  Just back off, act cordial at work.  Don't be a weirdo or creeper.

Quote

 I would believe her words, plus she really does not seem to have a boyfriend.

Some women have FWBs, they don't consider them boyfriends.  If she's attractive odds are there some guys always hovering around her.  I wouldn't pursue her anymore, you asked her out and she told you she'd get back to you, so stick to that.

Edited April 3, 2021 by dramafreezone

[ExpatInItaly]

I don't think she's interested the way you thought she was, OP. 

[marxman2015]

10 hours ago, dramafreezone said:

Are you serious dude?  She was embarassed by the other woman's comment, obviously.

You asked her out and she said she's not sure when.  She's not that interested right at this moment.  Just back off, act cordial at work.  Don't be a weirdo or creeper.

Some women have FWBs, they don't consider them boyfriends.  If she's attractive odds are there some guys always hovering around her.  I wouldn't pursue her anymore, you asked her out and she told you she'd get back to you, so stick to that.

Yep I'd stick to that.. of course I wouldn't attempt to ask her out again meanwhile as we already agreed to her clearing schedule and get back to me. and Let's see what happens. 

30 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I don't think she's interested the way you thought she was, OP. 

It could be that....

She have shown many signs of interest for a long while and uniquely towards me (it happened even before I had any interest in her), I was quite confident she at least "was" interested... maybe her interest dropped at some point. Or maybe she showed those signs for some reason despite not having any romantic interest.

[ExpatInItaly]

2 minutes ago, marxman2015 said:

She have shown many signs of interest for a long while and uniquely towards me (it happened even before I had any interest in her), I was quite confident she at least "was" interested... maybe her interest dropped at some point. Or maybe she showed those signs for some reason despite not having any romantic interest.

Yes, that could indeed be the case.

But, it doesn't appear she feels that way now. I think she would have responded a lot more enthusastically and decisively to your date invitation if she were still into you that way. 

[marxman2015]

36 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

Yes, that could indeed be the case.

But, it doesn't appear she feels that way now. I think she would have responded a lot more enthusastically and decisively to your date invitation if she were still into you that way. 

Very true, she could have made time for me if she is really interested and would not be wishy washy about it and suggest end of april. Although she seem enthusiastic on text with exclamation marks and emojis, I cannot gauge her facial expression and real life response. (Yep still not enthusiastic enough to give me a definite time)

Only trace of hope for me is that she might be giving me time to get over my recent break up and make sure she wont be a rebound. People around me including her could sense that I am sometimes in a sad mood. Of course that might be my wishful thinking. I can only hope it goes well after I remove my ex photos on social media soon and I become normal again. 

[glows]

6 hours ago, marxman2015 said:

Only trace of hope for me is that she might be giving me time to get over my recent break up and make sure she wont be a rebound. People around me including her could sense that I am sometimes in a sad mood. Of course that might be my wishful thinking. I can only hope it goes well after I remove my ex photos on social media soon and I become normal again. 

You're acting too desperate, man. This might be the effects of the recent break up. It's a good idea to take a breather, don't date for awhile. You're going back to back or monkey branching as they say. All this means is that when the next romance ends (the rebound) your fall will be harder as you try to figure out what happened with not one but two failed relationships. Give it a rest for now and be kind to yourself that way. 

Frankly, this woman is too skittish and easily spooked. Why not use the time review what you're looking for in a partner? One of my requirements or something I look for is a person who can repartee and keeps his wits about him. Of course what the other coworker said was dumb and insensitive but there are all types and if she can't bounce back in an informal gathering or banter back and forth, are you forever going to protect her when she can't handle herself in social situations? Just something to think about.

[marxman2015]

2 hours ago, glows said:

You're acting too desperate, man. This might be the effects of the recent break up. It's a good idea to take a breather, don't date for awhile. You're going back to back or monkey branching as they say. All this means is that when the next romance ends (the rebound) your fall will be harder as you try to figure out what happened with not one but two failed relationships. Give it a rest for now and be kind to yourself that way. 

Frankly, this woman is too skittish and easily spooked. Why not use the time review what you're looking for in a partner? One of my requirements or something I look for is a person who can repartee and keeps his wits about him. Of course what the other coworker said was dumb and insensitive but there are all types and if she can't bounce back in an informal gathering or banter back and forth, are you forever going to protect her when she can't handle herself in social situations? Just something to think about.

haha you got me there, yes. I could be. Now that she said she wants to do the dinner later, I have my time to take a break.

Yeah she over-reacted in that situation, which works against what she is trying to cover up i suppose. If weren't that I heard the comment of the other coworker at that time, I would have thought she must hate me to the guts for some reason to have gone to such great lengths to avoid me.

[marxman2015]

Update:

She will be leaving the country, and probably would stay there and never move back. She is actually free but claim she is busy. So I guess thats it. 

[d0nnivain]

Thanks for the update but at least you tried. Sorry it didn't work out

[marxman2015]

Update:

She couldn't leave right now because of the pandemic. We ended up having dates.

First date

we kept texting for about a month, and I asked her out for dinner again. This time she accepted the date and showed up. We had a great time, she told me alot about her childhood, her family and her personal life. We had a long walk in the rain after dinner under the same umbrella and her arms are touching mine the whole time. She was smiling and look estatic no matter what I ask her or what I say. And she wants to extend the date until the last bus of the night comes. I think she is interested.

Second date

I ask her out for a second date, she accepted but due to schedule clashes we had to reschedule and we finally met up again 1 month later. This time it was after her work late at night and she was tired. She told me that she is most likely leaving and not coming back. she said that it is okay to go out 1 on 1 but she is not especially eager for a relationship. ( I didn't confess to her or anything). Then, I took her near the sea for a walk and some chat.

And I thought since it has already came to this point, why not ask her about her behaviour on the gathering night? She at first refuse to admit of the behaviour I described, but later subtly admit to it and said that she did that because she didn't want others to think she is interested in me because "I am not her type". 

Despite her saying that, she doesn't mind me caressing her hair, neck or back, and we took pictures of us sticking our faces together. When I walk her home, she said I should ask her out for the days she have day off so that she won't be tired like this time, and she isn't free on saturday and sunday because of regular family gathering and church.

We texted after the date. She admitted that I made her feel uncomfortable (maybe due to that I ask her about her behaviour on the gathering night). I apologised for that and it was okay.

Now, I asked her when will be her day off so that I will take her to a fun restaurant, and 2 days has passed, she hasn't texted me back yet. (She always replied to me in the past every single time).

Short version

Eventually, we gone out twice and I asked her out the third time and she didn't respond for 2 days. She had always responded back in the past.

 

I would like to continue going out with her as long as she is still here, and if she leaves eventually there is nothing I can do and I would accept it. 

I am not sure what she is thinking. As she suggested me to ask her out for her day offs, I assume she is glad to see me. She could have rejected me directly if she doesn't want to go out.

Maybe I should text her one last time sincerely asking that "if she had missed my message or if it was for other reason that she is not interested to go out, and she can let me know, I would appreciate it"?

[elaine567]

You made her feel uncomfortable, by questioning her behaviour, she didn't like it, she got home told you about it, and now is ignoring you...

Give up. You are not her type, she is leaving for good as soon as she can get away,  and now you have upset her...
Nothing to see here, move on.

Don't ever waste your time chasing no hopers.

BTW no-one really likes their behaviour being "questioned" by people they hardly know, try to avoid doing that.
It is far too heavy.
Keep things light and fun at the start, but if you are truly peeved then just walk away

[kendahke]

On 7/26/2021 at 3:04 AM, marxman2015 said:

She told me that she is most likely leaving and not coming back. she said that it is okay to go out 1 on 1 but she is not especially eager for a relationship.

And there you go.  Put your interest back in its box and either toss it out or put it in the furthest, darkest corner of your garage and leave it there.

Quote

( I didn't confess to her or anything).

You didn't have to--you'd already made yourself obvious.

Quote

Maybe I should text her one last time

No... you shouldn't.  You're veering into pest territory.

Edited August 11, 2021 by kendahke

[Wiseman2]

On 4/3/2021 at 8:40 AM, marxman2015 said:

Then, another girl colleague asked openly in front of others why she is dressing up so nicely today and if she is trying to seduce me.

Sounds like this unprofessional remark upset your crush and she was embarrassed by the rudeness of it. Leave her alone for now.

[smackie9]

well she gave you a shot, and she changed her mind...you didn't turn out to be the guy she was looking for. Gotta give her an A for effort on that first date. You didn't even kiss her....maybe she doesn't like guys who don't have the courage to do such things. I know I was like that.