Partner wants an open relationship; I do not

[annoymous13177]

My boyfriend (27M) has asked me (25F) whether I would be open to us having an open relationship. We have been together for 6 years and are committed to once another and have discussed kids in the near future however before this happens he has requested some time to explore sexually as we got together young. I have no interest in being with other people and it took me long time to feel comfortable with my current partner but he wants to experiment a little before settling down. I love him very much and he claims to love me too, we have been through a lot together and I know some more modernised takes on relationships has lead to people thinking that love and sex are separate however I struggle with this notion, more traditional I guess. What do I do? I am scared that if I let him be with other people it could ruin us, but he may break up with me anyway if he feels trapped, this ultimatum has me incredibly anxious what do I do. 

[Sun Seeker]

Fair play to him for communicating his feelings to you, instead of just acting them out behind your back (I'm assuming..)

Unfortunately if this is how he feels, he already has one foot out of the door. He has come to the conclusion that he does not want you to be the last woman he sleeps with. As you say you got together when he was 21, so he hasn't really had the chance to explore. I know when i was 20 I broke up with my first girlfriend at the time for this exact reason - there was no way I was going to go through life experiencing only one person.

You have two choices - accept his offer, and forever be worrying about what he is getting up to, and if one day he will decide to get serious with someone else.

The second choice, which is a lot more realistic, and a lot better for both of you, is to break up. Let him do what he needs to do, and you find someone that is at the same stage of life as you are - ready to commit and have no need to explore. Long-term you will BOTH end up being a lot happier.

[Wiseman2]

54 minutes ago, annoymous13177 said:

I know some more modernised takes on relationships has lead to people thinking that love and sex 

Sorry this is happening. He wants a license to cheat. That's all this is, no matter how "cool" he phrased it.

He's put you in an untenable situation by playing this as a cool 'exploration' thing rather than what it is. Basically it's damned if you do damned if you don't.

Dump him. Save your dignity.  Don't let him dump this on you as if you're not modern or cool enough . 

[ExpatInItaly]

12 hours ago, annoymous13177 said:

I know some more modernised takes on relationships has lead to people thinking that love and sex are separate however I struggle with this notion, more traditional I guess. What do I do? I am scared that if I let him be with other people it could ruin us, but he may break up with me anyway if he feels trapped, this ultimatum has me incredibly anxious what do I do. 

This is your cue not to agree to this. It will be a disaster for you. Did he actually present this as an ultimatum? Either we open things up, or break up?

And yes, it might mean you two have to separate. But the truth is that if he's that eager to explore others sexually that it would spell the end of your relationship if you say no, then he is not invested anymore anyway. Your relationship is already on very thin ice, even if you hadn't realized it until now. Someone who values the relaitonship the same way you do is not going to put you in such an impossible position. 

It's good that he was honest with you about his desire to have more experience, but he can't have it both ways if both parties are not entering into this arrangement of their own volition. If one person does it just to appease the other, well, it usually spells the end anyway. Either the exploring partner hits it off with someone else on a level that is not just sexual, or the other winds up feeling so hurt and resentful for not listening to their own needs that it destroys the relationship. It has nothing to do with being "modern" and everything to do with incompatible boundaries and expectations. 

I feel for you. You've been hit with a huge blow here. Did you have any idea he felt this way?

 

[d0nnivain]

Just say no.  He's either committed to you or he wants to go sow wild oats.  If that is the case, let him go.  If you met young & have been together 6 years, you are still young.  

The minute he gets a taste of "strange" he will be gone anyway.  At least by letting him walk away now you don't lose your dignity.  if you give in to this idea that you don't like & aren't comfortable with, you will lose your soul.  

[BaileyB]

17 hours ago, annoymous13177 said:

My boyfriend (27M) has asked me (25F) whether I would be open to us having an open relationship. We have been together for 6 years and are committed to once another and have discussed kids in the near future however before this happens he has requested some time to explore sexually as we got together young. I have no interest in being with other people and it took me long time to feel comfortable with my current partner but he wants to experiment a little before settling down. 

My answer would be an absolute no. 

Open marriages only work when BOTH partners want the same thing. What you have here is a man who is asking to cheat, and it is going to make you miserable. 

If he wants to have sex with other people, he can do so as a single man. 

Do NOT have children with this man. 

You are so young. You don’t need to put up with this. Find a man who wants to build a life with you. This isn’t the one. 

 

Edited April 4, 2021 by BaileyB

[pepperbird2]

Good for you for recognizing what you are not looking for in a relationship. There's nothing wrong with an open relationship so long as both partners are happy with it. there shoudl never be coercion, pushing or guilting.
I could be wrong, but I think your BF has already cheated. He's looking for a retrograde hall pass, so to speak. If you know an open relationship will not be a good fit for you, you really need to tell him that.

[dramafreezone]

This one isn't complicated.  You two want different things so aren't right for each other, at least at this time.

I doubt he'd actually be ok with you having sex with other men.  i imagine in his mind he'd be in an open relationship and you wouldn't be.

On 4/3/2021 at 2:15 PM, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. He wants a license to cheat. That's all this is, no matter how "cool" he phrased it.

He's put you in an untenable situation by playing this as a cool 'exploration' thing rather than what it is. Basically it's damned if you do damned if you don't.

Dump him. Save your dignity.  Don't let him dump this on you as if you're not modern or cool enough . 

Meh, it's not cheating if it's something agreed upon by both people.

[glows]

First, please make sure this is a serious request. People shoot this out of their mouths all the time trying to appear exciting and witty in regular conversation. "Ooh, threesomes. I wonder that would be like. Something to do before we get married, ey, honey?" I've also known men who felt pressured to say it or be into it around other men because the general consensus is that it's more manly to want to be more sexually experienced or able to handle multiple relationships. What I've found is that men are just as insecure as women when it comes to their partners having sex with other people and there are often a lot of other ifs, buts, maybes, so much so, that the scenario never actually does end up unfolding itself or happening anyway. 

One exciting threesome with a close friend of yours for example is also not an open relationship. One is sex only and the other involves emotions and is more involved. 

Clarify with him what he's actually looking for and if he's serious about it. If so do some thinking together and see whether it's something that both of you are on-board with. If you have reservations be truthful and honest with each other.

 

[Gagirl]

He might be cheating already.  Start doing some research. 

[mark clemson]

My understanding is that an open relationship that isn't looked at with at least mild enthusiasm by BOTH partners is a bad idea generally. This stuff is NOT for everyone, including some people who may THINK it is for them before they actually try it.

If it's not something you ALSO want, then you should consider whether it's fair to even ask this of you and/or what lengths you might go to (in an attempt to) maintain a relationship that you may very well regret later.

Since you indicate you have no interest, moving forward with this would IMO be a mistake. "Standing your ground" might cause some regret, and MIGHT cause the end of the relationship, but if this is something your partner truly needs, and that you have zero taste for, then it would seem you are incompatible anyhow, which is, unfortunately, something you need to be thinking about now that he has asked this of you.

[Wiseman2]

"Open relationship" is when both people have outside lovers, no? You don't want that so I guess we'll have to coin a new term in the already confusing lexicon of situationships.  "Open cheating"? 

Edited April 6, 2021 by Wiseman2

[central]

I have a different perspective, having had an open/poly relationship for 21 years.  It's not cheating if he asks and you agree to it, for starters.  And relationships can also be mono/open or mono/poly, as some people are very happy to be monogamous but are also happy for their partner to be open/poly.  Every relationship is different.  The key here is what YOU want and/or can handle.  Now, you could just break up, but then your options are closed forever with this guy.  You could experiment with this, and see if you can find an accommodation, and if not, break up later.  You could simply say no to this, and then it's HIS decision about what to do next (stay with limitations, leave to experiment, or - IMO, unlikely - cheat).

As for always worrying about him finding someone else, that could happen, but from such relationships I've seen (and been in) that's not a given.  And it happens in monogamous relationships, so monogamy isn't really any protection, especially if the relationship is troubled.  If your relationship is good now, it is likely to remain that way if you remain open, honest, and considerate of each other's needs and concerns, whether or not you experiment with opening.  It is also possible that this will be a passing concern; he may find that he isn't missing anything important, and be able to commit to monogamy unreservedly.

[introverted1]

Sounds like the relationship has run its course, which is not uncommon given how young you both were when you got together.  Your bf is acknowledging, however, inelegantly, that he is not satisfied with the status quo.  My guess would be that he is looking to monkey branch and/or enjoy the single life rather than that he actually wants an open r/s. Whether you say yes or no, my bet is that he's leaving either way; it's just a matter of time.

[NYAG]

On 4/3/2021 at 9:15 PM, annoymous13177 said:

My boyfriend (27M) has asked me (25F) whether I would be open to us having an open relationship. We have been together for 6 years and are committed to once another and have discussed kids in the near future however before this happens he has requested some time to explore sexually as we got together young. I have no interest in being with other people and it took me long time to feel comfortable with my current partner but he wants to experiment a little before settling down. I love him very much and he claims to love me too, we have been through a lot together and I know some more modernised takes on relationships has lead to people thinking that love and sex are separate however I struggle with this notion, more traditional I guess. What do I do? I am scared that if I let him be with other people it could ruin us, but he may break up with me anyway if he feels trapped, this ultimatum has me incredibly anxious what do I do. 

Having been put into a similar position with an ex once, I can tell you if you are not up for it, it will just eat you up. Tell him no, then hope he respects it and doesn't go behind your back anyway. As others have said, he's looking for a licence to cheat right in your face so he doesn't have to feel guilty about it. He's made it clear he wants to sleep with other people. As someone who also has trust issues, I have to say that him now broaching this subject would make me distrusting of him going forward, because if you say no, who's to say he will respect that and stay faithful. Discuss it openly and often until you feel one way or the other you have all the information you need.

[SCFenway]

Contrary to most of the opinions stated here, poly can work. If it's not for you than that's all you need to tell him. The price of admission to being with you is monogamy. If he can't do that you two should split before you have kids. It's really that simple.

[Miss Peach]

I went through something similar with an ex. He had only been with me and his college GF he later married. He was still wanting to sow some oats when we met. He said he was OK if that didn't happen but I did get pressured a fair amount since I had been in more open relationships and he wanted the same from me.

 

If it truly is a no for you then it's boundary and right to have that point of view. There are a lot of things in between that could be done as well if you're open to it. For example you could go to a sex party and agree to watch but not touch other people. Or role play. Or do other things that may fill the need without touching other people. Or allow him to flirt one night or you flirt as a couple. Just wanted to point out there is a range within monogamy and it doesn't have to be all or nothing. There could be a compromise in there if you're comfortable with it.

[HappilyMarried]

Hey @annoymous13177just read your thread and understand your dilemma. It had been almost a month since your original post and was just seeing how things were going or if you had a update or had resolved any of the issues. Best of luck!