Friendship change of heart?

[lilly210]

Hello there!

I’ve been friends this this girl for over 25 years. She use to be my BFF, but we had a falling out. In the course of our relationship, there was a few of those. Each time, it was her not responding when I tried to initiate the communication to attempt to repair the damage. The last time this happened was a few years ago. We haven’t talked because she didn’t want to respond and I gave up at the point.

She reached out to me out of nowhere one day. She saw some of things I was posted in social media and assumed my marriage wasn’t doing well. She wanted to tell me not to divorce my husband and that she made a mistake with her relationship and she didn’t want me to do the same thing. For the record, my husband and I are doing just fine and nowhere near divorce. We’re happily married. I was having issues with something else and was feeling melancholy. Then towards the end of the conversation, she asked me to help coach her daughter??? Now we haven’t talked for 3 years. I felt odd, like did she just ask me that, but at the same time, I missed her so much. I just wanted her back. This time, I told her, if we do anything to make each other upset, we must be upfront and say it. No more of this, not talking for years and I can’t have that anymore. I thought I can work it out with her like before.

We’ve been communicating since then and just getting to know each other again. But, this time something about her is different. She’s not the same person. Of course, I’m not either. But, the relationship we had is gone. My feeling towards the relationship is different. I no longer see her the same way. She is an old friend that I know from childhood. The relationship was one sided for so long in the past that this time, I just keep her at a arms length. I don’t trust her the same way. I feel the jealousy coming from her sometimes, but I believe that we’re human and it’s natural so, I’m doing the best I can not being judgmental. People aren’t perfect. On the other hand, I feels like my rose color goggles has been removed and I’m seeing the truth of who she is. 

Recently, she’s been trying to put in my effort in communicating more. It happened after her friends told her, relationships with old friends are more reliable than the newer ones we bring in later on in life. Her effort only started in the past few months. I will always love her but things will never been the same again. 

IDK. Maybe this will pass and we’re in a rut. Maybe I’m expecting too much from the relationship. Just feels like if it doesn’t benefit her, she’s not going to put in effort. 

I’m curious if others have the same experience? Maybe some advice? 

Thanks for hearing me out. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by lilly210

[d0nnivain]

To many things have happened in here for either of you to be the same.  Enjoy the nostalgia part, where you knew each other for years & have shared history.  Keep her as an acquaintance but know you can't rely on her.  

[ShyViolet]

A big pet peeve of mine is when people think they have to stay friends with someone just because they had been friends for a long time.  If the friendship is not working for you now, then you shouldn't continue it.  

She reached out to you out of the blue, after not speaking for years, to tell you not to divorce your husband?  How absolutely bizarre, rude, and inappropriate.  She was making some big assumptions about your life which turned out to be incorrect, and sticking her nose in your business where it didn't belong.  I would be very wary of a person who approached me like that.  This friendship sounds totally counterproductive and not good for you.  You don't owe her anything.  Do what's best for YOU.

[glows]

Well, she is trying. It takes two. If you say you don't trust her, this is not going to work. There is no point to this at all and you're not capable of being a friend to her. That is your call and whatever you feel is appropriate to you. 

Given the issues between the both of you and ongoing lack of trust, move your separate ways.