Husband tells me to leave his house whenever we argue. I love him, should I leave anyway?

[Janice451]

My husband and I have been married for 10 years. One daughter (6). 

 

Husband is a real neat freak. Apparently I left some food trash on the night stand (I was really sick from my COVID vaccine the day before) and he told my daughter to throw it away because I was nasty. 
 

I went to ask him about this and said if he had something to say to me tell me as an adult and not our daughter. He immediately said I can leave and get out his house. (I moved in with him and left my place after married so it’s only his name on everything.)

We were fine before this and were even intimate hours early. I have no reason to believe there is anyone else. But every time I try to talk to him calmly about any issues in our marriage, he doesn’t communicate or have any input. He lets me speak and he doesn’t say much. He says he cares but has very few words. He’s always been this way. 
 

Ive told him about him telling me to get out every time we argue and he said he won’t do it but does it every time. It really hurts me when he says it and I’ve expressed that.

I told him that if he says it again then I would consider divorce. Last week was him saying it again so I immediately became upset and started to get defensive and said I was done. I said things to him that were mean and he said things to me. He eventually said he didn’t mean I should leave but if I have a problem with him, I should go. 
 

He doesn’t like to talk about disagreements after we have them. He bought me breakfast the next morning and that’s normally his way of moving on from it...nothing is ever discussed unless I bring it up. I feel this is the bulk of our problems, they never get resolved. Any time I try to mention something that bothers me he says I’m being negative. We tried counseling twice and it did not work. 

I would rather apologize to each other and communicate but he doesn’t seem to know how to communicate at all. Im always the first to try to resolve things. This time I vowed to not. I haven’t said anything to him  and nothing to me. It has been a week. Nothing. Separate beds. Not even a good morning. Radio silence. Both of us are giving each other silent treatment. I normally break first but this time I won’t... it’s all very immature. We are both being childish and I would rather talk but I’m stonewalled when I do so I’ve stopped trying this time.

Ive looked for places but do not feel I can afford them daughter’s tuition. Getting my own place would take up about 80% of my income. I would survive but it would be tight. I’ve been Spending less time home and taking daughter to parks and such just to not be around him as it hurts me  with the silence and to feel what it’s like without him.

 

I have been trying to feel out what it would be like if we made a permanent move. How my daughter would cope. Daughter has started to cry for dad when we are away long periods, at stores, parks, family members house. We are never away for more than 8 hours or so throughout the day but she keeps saying she want to go home to see dad. This breaks my heart and makes me want to stay.

 

what should I do? 

 

 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

I think you & your husband could benefit from marriage counseling.  You both engage in behavior that undermines the foundation of your relationship.  

You have to communicate to fix what's wrong.  My husband is a man of few words too but we went to a communications work shop & both learned to bend a bit.  

If you do have to divorce, you will have to take a long hard look at your finances & figure out what is best for you daughter in terms of custodial parenting & the tuition.   She will not be the only child who's parents ever divorced; while there may be tears she will survive.  

[BaileyB]

Another vote for marriage counselling. You husband need to learn to communicate and deal with his anger. 

IF he refuses to go, then you have a decision to make... It says a lot that you are purposefully looking for other places to go for extended periods of time to avoid spending time with your husband, to avoid the conflict and the silence. 

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, Janice451 said:

He immediately said I can leave and get out his house. (I moved in with him and left my place after married so it’s only his name on everything.)

I would stop threatening divorce. Instead consult an attorney, not necessarily for divorcing, but to clear up his might-makes-right abusive rages and threats. He can not simply throw you and your child on the street because it's "his" house.

Do Not do joint marriage counselling. It's contraindicated in abusive situations like this. Instead confidentially and privately (do not tell him) consult with a therapist and explain the types of abuse and raging and threatening that is going on. 

[trident_2020]

Threatening divorce tends to be ineffective. If you threaten divorce and it doesn't stop the behavior and you threaten again you've lost complete credibility and he won't take your threats seriously.

Besides ultimatums don't really work, his behavior won't change until possibly after years of therapy if at all.

Don't escalate the situation with meaningless threats and don't let him bully you into leaving. You're married, you've got rights. Even if you weren't married you're somewhat protected under tenancy laws.

He's bluffing.

[Janice451]

16 hours ago, trident_2020 said:

Threatening divorce tends to be ineffective. If you threaten divorce and it doesn't stop the behavior and you threaten again you've lost complete credibility and he won't take your threats seriously.

Thank you all for replying. I don’t threaten divorce as an ultimatum. I’m really left feeling as I have no choice. I’m prepared to act on it even though it’s not what I want, I’m also wise enough to know that I can try every solution I can think of but if the other party is willing to throw in the towel there’s nothing I can do. 
 

I always schedule counseling. I’m the first to open the discussion after a disagreement or just when something is bothering me and I need to express it. Should I have to suggest counseling each time? It makes me feel like I’m the only one invested. It’s not about who does what or schedules it but because I’m the one always doing it, I feel like he doesn’t care. 

 

My conflict resolution is to talk about it and discuss how to move forward together. His conflict resolution is to walk away from me in the moment (not in a cool off way) in a gaslighting way where he’ll initially say/do something that I’m not okay with and when I come to him to talk about it, he says I’m starting things or being negative. And tell the whole world, “see look at her following me and continue to talk about negative things when I’m not even responding. I’m ignoring her and she’s still full of drama”

In this case the negative thing I was talking about was him coming to me when he has a problem with something I’m doing instead of being passive aggressive and telling my daughter something I did he doesn’t like. Especially when I’ve opened communication when times were calm and not hostile. 
 

He will “make up” by talking to me like nothing ever happened. Small gestures of kindness without ever discussing. And if enough time passes, he will ask why I’m still bringing up something that happened weeks ago. 
 

We’re in a cycle and I’m left feeling like he doesn’t care. Imagine being the only person to try to solve issues and being called the dramatic person for doing so. I’ve stopped trying. Stopped speaking, stopped apologizing, stopped offering counseling, etc. I feel backed into a wall. If I do nothing, we end. And he’s the “good guy” for extending the olive branch by buying me breakfast the next day and I’m still “mad”
 

He basically has the attitude that he wants me here but if I have any problems  with him then I should leave. I guess I have my answer and I should leave. I know I have rights to the home and he can’t kick me out but why stay where I’m unwanted. 

[d0nnivain]

It's not that you should have suggested counseling each time.  It's that if you go to counseling you will both learn how to communicate better in the future so you don't need to go back to counseling each time because you will have the tools you need to resolve your conflicts.  

[emprosnet7]

If you have a common friend, maybe he could help as a mediator.

[S2B]

So you want to talk about the issue and resolve it and he prefers to avoid the issue and sweep it under the rug.

did I get that right?

his communication style is very unhealthy and will cause more resentment.

if it doesn’t work for you and he’s unwilling to change - divorce him. Life is too short - the only one you can count on to change things is you. Especially since he knows this bothers you that much - yet he continues to move directly to the “leave now” solution.

yep, since you seem most invested in resolving this - he’s likely not going to do the changes you wish to see.

give him what he’s asked for - leave. You told him you would. That’s the agreement now.

it’s a hard lesson - but many times love isn’t enough to sustain a relationship.

[Hanging in]

Obsessive compulsive personality disorder. (Different than OCD). Learning my ex had this was life changing. Curious if you feel this fits. I also moved into his home was consistently threatened with eviction, me and all 4 kids. 7 years ...