I'm not well, how or if I tell my friends

[maybejune]

I haven't been well lately, due to unemployment and covid isolation. I have friends sending me email and ask how I am doing. I don't know how to reply to them,so I left the email sitting in my inbox...

From my experience, people usually ask how I'm doing, if I say I am sad or have difficulty, then they may reply once with sympathy or say I need therapy, or they chose to miss my message. After some time, I learned and accept most people are busy with their lives and in general would avoid other's negativity... I accept people grow apart , friendship doesn't last long... 

I appreciate those friends' efforts with emails, I just don't know how to reply to them, and not being a burden to them. I want to be a motivated person, however, I'm just there now. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by maybejune

[primer]

Sometimes when I am struggling, I respond with "I have been better."

Tell them everything is starting to get you down . . . . unemployment, covid isolation, etc. Maybe they will offer you words of encouragement. They really do care because they took the time to reach out.

Things will get better. I have been practicing a lot of "self care". Try that. 

 

 

 

[BaileyB]

35 minutes ago, maybejune said:

I want to be a motivated person, however, I'm just there now. 

There is nothing wrong with that. We all have our ups and downs, and there is nothing wrong with taking the time you need.

My only advice would be not to isolate completely. Is there perhaps one or two people with whom you could share how you are feeling. And, by that I mean people who won’t just send the customary, “I’m sorry to hear that. Take care” reply. 

Honestly, it’s nice that you have people who are concerned for you - not everyone has that. While you don’t have to reply and tell them everything, it would be kind to acknowledge their email and stay in closer touch with one or two friends who you trust who can support you through this challenging time...

If I may, when I feel like this the first thing I do is go for a walk. There is something about being outside, and getting some excercise, that soothes my soul... best wishes. 

[d0nnivain]

Since they reached out & you consider them friends, answer them honestly but not too honest & give them a concrete way to help. 

I'd say something like 

Thanks for reaching out.  Covid & all these lock downs have really don't a number on me.  I'm feeling a bit isolated.  Do you have time for a video chat or a walk?  I'd love to see a smiling face.  

Give your friends a chance to help.  Maybe one of them can get you a lead on a job or spark an idea you hadn't considered.   

I'm having a Zoom meeting with a dear old friend in a few minutes.  I have been overwhelmed about something in my business.  She's been out of work & her consulting business is slow so we're gonna talk about whether I can hire her to fix my problem.  That would not have been possible if we both hadn't be honest about the problems Covid caused in each of our lives.   

Remember -- we're all angels with only one wing; we need to hold on to each other to be able to fly.  

[glows]

I second the comment on suggesting more time in person or going for a walk. If this isn't workable, then a quick video call can be wonderful and uplifting. Just making a suggestion or asking won't hurt and it's a lot better than writing lots in an email describing a situation in written format. 

I'm sorry you're feeling down too. That's very nice that you have friends that reach out in email.

[basil67]

4 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Thanks for reaching out.  Covid & all these lock downs have really don't a number on me.  I'm feeling a bit isolated.  Do you have time for a video chat or a walk?  I'd love to see a smiling face.  

Give your friends a chance to help.  Maybe one of them can get you a lead on a job or spark an idea you hadn't considered.   

 

I love this idea of putting out there the things which could help.   I confess that I wouldn't know what to do if someone just talked about feeling bad....but if they told me what they need as support, I'd be all in.

[Beachead]

Hey Maybejune.

Nice to hear from you again but sorry to hear you're not doing well.

Back in the day, when people asked me this question, I always felt inclined to be truthful..and the truth was, I wasn't doing well.  I was hurting.  I was heartbroken.  I was angry over my circumstances. I was embarrassed by it.  I felt alone.  Sleepless nights.  Maybe some tears.  So many things.   I wouldn't get too specific about all this but I did mention that I was doing well and I realized from their responses eventually that most people don't want to hear all that or don't know how to reply to it even if they do.  Especially through Instant Message or Email where it's very difficult to grasp tone and impossible to grasp facial expressions and body language...all things important in communication.   

So when most people ask this, take it as a gesture that shows they have thought about you, but aren't interested in the heavy details.  Reply with that in mind.  Maybe say " I'm doing well thanks.  Been quite busy with (Insert 1 or 2 things you've been up to)" If they ask about those activities, keep your answers at about 1-2 sentences per question.   Maybe try to turn the focus on the conversation towards them by asking them questions.  If you feel up to it, follow up with a plan to meet up and catch up.

Be careful about speaking on anything too heavy.  It's personal and it's close to the heart and if people don't respond the way you expect them, it can really hurt you, and then you'll harbour resentment towards them.  You want to remain as balanced as possible so be more on the cautious side and read the terrain.  In-person is best to do that.

- Beach

Edited April 6, 2021 by Beachead

[Alpacalia]

They're messaging because they're concerned about your well-being. If you're not ready to share right now, appreciate their checking in with you and you'll call once things settle down.

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, Beachead said:

Be careful about speaking on anything too heavy.  * * * You want to remain as balanced as possible so be more on the cautious side and read the terrain.  In-person is best to do that.

I agree in part in the sense that you can't turn your friends into a therapist & you really can't dump on an acquaintance.  But if somebody reaches out & the inquiry is more than the throw away opening line of How are you?  which merits a response of "fine" only, you can share if you are upset but as I said before when you share have a suggestion ready of some concrete, easy thing the person can do for you -- video chat or take a walk.  Don't expect much more from friends.  Even the most well meaning can't be expected to figure out what you need to be fixed nor is it their responsibility.  But most good friends will find tine for a cup of coffee to chat.  

[Beachead]

@d0nnivain

I didn't read your post but I have now.  You made a great point, about allowing friends to help in a way they can. 

I had a chance to experience that when I allowed a friend to help set me up with a full-time job after I graduated uni, and it did a lot of good for me.  Normally I wouldn't have.  In fact, I wanted to job hunt without help and maybe get back to school, but she pushed me to apply.  So I figured, why not, I could use the experience and I'll be making a living.  It turned out, I ended up gaining a lot of valuable work experience, made a lot of money and met some great people who I am still friends with today.  It's not everyday that happens so I was truly grateful.  Ultimately, our friendship became stronger for it..and really because I let her in and allowed her to help.

Edited April 8, 2021 by Beachead