Girlfriend said she finds me unattractive

[Warmer]

She's known me 3 years, she I'm 34 she is 17 years older than me. long distance but long visits for months. I went out for a day with 3 friends and she asked for photos. she finds it unattractive that I socialize. This is some of the things she said, I know it's not the whole context but the rest was mainly like yeah nice photos, weather, looks good etc. I thought seemed like she was jealous.

"God so social I mean many people together that would do my head in"
"God we no match anymore your too social these days"
"Are you not gonna miss that when you come here?"

Then asking about my friends friend. 

"Did you meet up with him before in the past?"
"And then you just hang out at his place?"
"God Didnt know you was so social and then day after out with a group"
"Im a bit worried really if you come here its too quiet for you entertainment/friend wise as I live same as before l like a really quiet lifestyle like we had"
"Thanks for pics and videos. Hope Taz will send you with you in"

Then I said I can't talk tonight because I did an all nighter the night before and she turned funny with me. Told her I feel bad for hanging out with my friends now.
"Oh ok well then we wont talk"
"Priorities when did you start caring more for going out over giving time to me and running."
"But its probably my mood. I felt fed up with situation today thought I was in sync with you"
"Sometimes I think I can pick up the other ones vibe, but thats bullocks as we lead such different lives lately, it was just my imagination."
"Im just, you are out all the time and then you get tired and cant speak to me after I had a bad day"
"Its just new I never knew you was so social and thought groups werent your thing and I always thought that was hot"
"Now yr like the average guy"
"But you done nothing wrong"
"Im sad and need to speak to someone but it appears that cant be you bc you gave your energy to your friends and now I need to make way so you can run."
"I thought you was introvert, didnt like to hang out in groups, and wouldnt socialize with non vegans for fun bc they are funny etc so this is surprising to me and makes me think we are less of a match than I thought because I am sooo not like that, plus if you give your time to them but tell yr gf after she had a bad day sorry but dont have any time left for you as hanging with mates all week left me tired plus I need to reset for running tomorrow (when you didnt say to them I need to reset for running) then I think, hmm your priorities have indeed changed."

I asked her if she is jealous of me being with others

"No, Im just not into extravert guys that make hanging out with friends a priority over their gf and even over running. I thought you was extremely ultra cool the way you was before, this hanging out all the time is just super unattractive to me, its so standard and I thought you was different."
"But its your choice you life and apparently what your into. Lets just say night I will talk to someone else tonight. Sleep well and hope you can run tomorrow!"
"Night!"

Then she came online later and sent this, it's all a bit too much just because I spent 1 day with people which I hardly do.

"I remember last year or year before, Matt asked you to come over as he had a few friends at his, and you said no Im not into groups, and not interested in being in one. I thought, oh wow thats my man!! I find that supersexy and you said you was too introvert for it anyways. I always love(d) you exactly the way you was, the good and the bad, but you said as well, if people change you can fall out of love with them. If last week is what you love these days, you do need to rethink if you actually want to visit me, as Im still the same Im looking for a partner to have sex with, cook/eat  with, exercise with, and take care of animals with, and Im not going to no bars or at peoples house for meetups, that would feel way too empty for me. But each their own. You choose this over your running and over me (you continuously said yes to your mates but when I could do with talking yr too tired because of meeting up all week and you wanna prepare for running but you didnt wanna prepare when out with mates, that was more important than your running ), you never did that before its something you started pursuing more for some reason and fine, if it makes you happy then go for it but its a change in you that makes me feel less attracted to you. These guys are 13 in a dozen, you were so unique"
"Not attacking you, your young and thats generally what typical young guys do, just thought you was so different fuuuck I loved that uniqueness in you!"
"Your just one of the standard lads now looking for superficial entertainment. You look so out of place doing that, cant you see/feel that yourself? I may not be normal/standard in this, but thats why Im not looking for a standard guy who chameleonises himself to fit in with groups. Id rather be with somebody that in societies opion may not be a catch (no car, no licence, no career, no house) but in my opinion is the catch of the century because he is so different from those around and just chooses his own path and isnt into the standard stuff. Its the reason I fell for you. Have a think if you want stay in your country, and do that flat thing with Matt and the others, for maybe we just dont want the same things in life."

Then this too

"Ive just watched the driving video properly, totally irresponsible driving and your all laughing like young foolish lads like its some big adventure possibly getting killed, and then acting cool like 'yeah we got stuck after the slowest driver in the world'. No you didnt, that was reckless, and you all felt cool for it. How old are you all, my God. I thought you were all about health and not taking stupid risks, and then when you with mates you forget all about it. Hes doing a few things he could get a fine for for sure, as it's dangerous and you go Haha. f*** yeah. Your in a goddamn moving car ffs. And after the discussion we had this morning. Your gonna end up like your dad. Im totally put off by it, and lost attraction to you, behavior like this makes me realize I invested time in a boy, not a man."

I haven't even replied to her yet, I feel hurt. I just went for a nice day out with my friends and I did an all-nighter because I was up all night making a video from clips/photos on the computer I put tons of effort into. I didn't expect to be told I'm unattractive and like the average guy. It's really messed with my head and confidence. I didn't try and fit in with anyone or try and pursue a social life. I didn't and don't go to any bars or parties.

I didn't run that day because of the all nighter and I asked how she was she said she was fed up I asked her if it was about her cat and she said yes, I talked to her about it. I talk to her for hours a day it's not like I'm always too busy with friends that I could understand. It's like she is jealous of me hanging out with other people and resents me having some sort of social life. My freinds aren't 13 in a dozen either one I've kown over 15 years and he's a great guy, the other I've not known him but she doesn't even know him either so to judge like that.

Also looking for superficial entertainment? I don't get it, when I go with her for a drive out somehwhere that's okay but not with friends? She says we act immature but it's okay when me and her do? The comments on the driving too, he did nothing wrong okay he drives faster than her and maybe he tailgated a car because he wanted to pass. I wasn't acting cool about being stuck behind a slow driver either, we really did get stuck behind a slow car for a long time who was well under the speed limit. It was just a bit of a joke not trying to act cool like oh they should drive faster. 

Am I wrong here or does anyone else feel she is jealous and gas lighting me with the age thing, she always said the age gap never mattered but it looks like it does all of a sudden. Or is she projecting here and she is scared she doesn't have a social life herself and resents mine? Sounds like she could be scared I'm going to forget about her if I start hanging out with new people and it's her who is feeling less attractive because I don't see how my social life affects how attractive I am. 

Also this " I will talk to someone else tonight"
She always says she never talks to others so for her to say that it's her going out of character. It's like she wants me to feel insecure and jealous like she does, then she isn't the only jealous one. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by Warmer

[Wiseman2]

Sorry this is happening. Is she involved with or on/off with someone where she lives?

[Warmer]

No, why do you say that? When she said talk to someone else she means online messenger.

[FMW]

My guess would be that yes, she's insecure about the age gap.  She probably thinks if you're out with your friends you'll come into contact with younger women and be tempted. 

No matter what your ages, the person you're involved with romantically needs to accept your friends and the activities you choose to engage in.  If they can't then you're not compatible and you need to go your separate ways. 

I think it would be really difficult to remain attracted to someone who was acting so insecure.  If she had her own friends and interests she wouldn't be so in your face about yours.     

[Warmer]

Yeah that sounds like you hit the nail on the head there. These sort of things always come out of fear but she won't say it because it makes her look unattractive being insecure as you say so she is projecting that onto me as the unattractive one. I don't mind her being insecure because it must not be easy to always be secure dating a guy 18 years younger when you're in the age where you're not old but not young either. She also has a fear of abandonment as her mother was especially cruel so it doesn't affect my attractiveness to her, I do love her. The thing is what annoys me is instead of talking the truth how she feels insecure she is attacking my friends/character to bring me down to insecure like her. Making me feel like I am foolish and fake etc. I believe if you love someone you build them up with positivity not being them down with negativity. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by Warmer

[Warmer]

Also the "I invested time" comment so she is worried she invested time in me and I'll find someone younger. Maybe I am just reading between the lines too much?

[basil67]

1 hour ago, Warmer said:

I believe if you love someone you build them up with positivity not being them down with negativity. 

Indeed.  She sounds like someone who no longer even likes you, let alone loves you.    Frankly, if someone spoke to me like this, I'd end it.

[Warmer]

You're right it's like she doesn't even like me, but you would really end it? 

[basil67]

For sure I'd end it.  Without hesitation.   When someone tells you that they've lost respect for you and don't like the person you are, what other choice is there?  

[glows]

She's 17-18 years older than you and pouting like a two year old. Wouldn't you expect a little more out of a partner, let alone someone who is so much older or with a little more maturity? I am sorry this is happening. No, it's not acceptable and no, it's not just that she's not attracted to you. She's isolating you and emotionally abusing you (those very negative comments are completely leftfield and not necessary). All she has to do is mention that you both have different lifestyles and end the relationship. There was no reason to take it so far or cause you to have a loss of confidence. 

This woman thrives on drama and control. Please consider yourself warned. What do your family members or friends think of this relationship?

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, FMW said:

 

I think it would be really difficult to remain attracted to someone who was acting so insecure.  If she had her own friends and interests she wouldn't be so in your face about yours.     

My attraction dropped just reading all of that nonsense in the OP's post.

She doesn't respect you.  If the woman doesn't respect you, she can't love you.  It's that simple.

Edited April 5, 2021 by dramafreezone

[Warmer]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

For sure I'd end it.  Without hesitation.   When someone tells you that they've lost respect for you and don't like the person you are, what other choice is there?  

When you put it like that you're right... Felt pretty bad but now I feel awful I feel like I don't want to break up it would hurt too much but also feel like I shouldn't be with someone who doesn't love me. 

 

 

6 minutes ago, glows said:

She's 17-18 years older than you and pouting like a two year old. Wouldn't you expect a little more out of a partner, let alone someone who is so much older or with a little more maturity? I am sorry this is happening. No, it's not acceptable and no, it's not just that she's not attracted to you. She's isolating you and emotionally abusing you (those very negative comments are completely leftfield and not necessary). All she has to do is mention that you both have different lifestyles and end the relationship. There was no reason to take it so far or cause you to have a loss of confidence. 

This woman thrives on drama and control. Please consider yourself warned. What do your family members or friends think of this relationship?

You're right I wanted to say to her it's me who invested time into someone older, someone I wanted to be with to avoid all this childish drama. Thanks for the warning but it's not the first, others have said she is emotionally abusive as I've come to them for advice but because I only talked about bad stuff it painted her as a villain so they don't like her which is why I don't ask them anymore. She did change her negative behaviour and I was proud of her for that, the last 4 months a couple of situations but she was great which inspired me to make a video for her. Usually she is building me up and telling me how much she loves me and she is struggling with the lockdown distance, she can't wait to see me in June so this negative attack on me is just unexpected. 

[basil67]

Yes, of course it will hurt to break up with her.   But at least this hurt will end.   Unlike staying with her when she hurts and abuses you repeatedly.

Regarding your friend's opinions, they are right about her being abusive.  Imagine this is a situation where your sister was married to a guy who was mostly OK, but abused and belittled her often enough that you all felt it was unhealthy.  Would you advise her to stay because of the good times?  

[MsJayne]

Sounds like fear of being forgotten about and replaced.  A 51 year old woman, even a very attractive one, is going to feel worried if her 17 years younger partner is hanging out with the lads a lot. I don't think you're destined to work out in the long run, if you still like to go out with a group of friends regularly, (as opposed to an every now and then catch up), and she's not interested in that lifestyle, then you're incompatible, and that, plus the long distance and the age gap, will be very hard to overcome, and that's what she trying to express, though not very well.  If it was me I'd interpret the conversation as the beginning of the end. 

[mark clemson]

The point of ending it (on your side) would be so that you don't sink too much time into a relationship that is (starting to appear) unlikely to work out and instead look for someone more compatible.

This can be distressing if you've become emotionally attached, but it may be wiser to take the longer term view and move on now rather than, say, after another 3-5 years or what have you. (Although from the way she's talking I honestly doubt you have another 3-5 years before this all becomes too much for her.)

Edited April 6, 2021 by mark clemson

[ExpatInItaly]

This woman is emotionally abusive. She has no respect for you, and you would be wise to get rid of her. This isn't what love looks like. 

 

[basil67]

@Warmer have you ever had a healthy, loving relationship to compare your current relationship to?     Sure, it may not have gone the distance, but hopefully you've had previous partners who've treated you with love and respect.

Edited April 6, 2021 by basil67

[Caauug]

12 hours ago, Warmer said:

"Not attacking you, your young and thats generally what typical young guys do, just thought you was so different fuuuck I loved that uniqueness in you!"

Ya Right!!! Everything you stated she said is an attack on you. It is abuse, plain and simple!!! She thinks she is loosing control of you, she is trying to shame you back in to being an introvert. It is somewhat working as you are here for advice. 

She's playing mind games, using shame. She also puts herself down for making the wrong choice in you, this is the same as playing a victim, as in you have hurt her.... 

It's a LDR, she can't take away sex, what else can she do to control you?? Just mess with your head.... If she does succeed and gets you to be an introvert, it will show that you are weak as a man, that she can control you....  She will loose respect then attraction for you... What ever you do it is a no win for you with her.

Ditch the b****, find someone that will compliment your life. Not be counterproductive and try to control it. 

[glows]

15 hours ago, Warmer said:

When you put it like that you're right... Felt pretty bad but now I feel awful I feel like I don't want to break up it would hurt too much but also feel like I shouldn't be with someone who doesn't love me. 

 

 

You're right I wanted to say to her it's me who invested time into someone older, someone I wanted to be with to avoid all this childish drama. Thanks for the warning but it's not the first, others have said she is emotionally abusive as I've come to them for advice but because I only talked about bad stuff it painted her as a villain so they don't like her which is why I don't ask them anymore. She did change her negative behaviour and I was proud of her for that, the last 4 months a couple of situations but she was great which inspired me to make a video for her. Usually she is building me up and telling me how much she loves me and she is struggling with the lockdown distance, she can't wait to see me in June so this negative attack on me is just unexpected. 

Think first about what you want to say because both of you responding to each other and belittling each other based on age is not the point. Don't lower yourself to that level. It's not worth it, imo. The reason only why I brought it up was to think of the irony and to be very wary about why someone so much older is behaving in this way. Think through the relationship, its advantages, disadvantages and where you see yourself as you grow in your own life. 

Maintaining friendships are important. They are your support system - providing love, support, entertainment and also a sense of community and feeling accepted. If someone feels threatened by your friendships the only thing you start doing is asking WHY. 

What I'm hearing in her responses to you and messages is that she feels threatened by your friends and wants to be your sole support network. Introverts have friends too (who would have thought, yes?) This has nothing to do with introvert/extrovert as she's portraying it. It has everything to do with her own insecurity and knowing that mentally healthy individuals would never put up with her manipulation and controlling behaviour. In other words, grown/more mature adults (her peers her age) would not put up with her or her behaviour because most people already know it's not acceptable and abnormal. 

If you're not ready to throw in the towel, then start enforcing your boundaries heavily and with extreme caution. If she has more comments about your friends or family, start enforcing that those individuals have a place in your life and are part of your support network. See how she reacts. 

Also, how do you both plan on working out the LDR in the long term? Is she planning to relocate to you permanently soon or is she trying to get you to leave your town and move out to her? 

 

[Warmer]

15 hours ago, basil67 said:

Yes, of course it will hurt to break up with her.   But at least this hurt will end.   Unlike staying with her when she hurts and abuses you repeatedly.

Regarding your friend's opinions, they are right about her being abusive.  Imagine this is a situation where your sister was married to a guy who was mostly OK, but abused and belittled her often enough that you all felt it was unhealthy.  Would you advise her to stay because of the good times?  

I see what you're saying I think I give too many chances I'm too forgiving.

 

15 hours ago, MsJayne said:

Sounds like fear of being forgotten about and replaced.  A 51 year old woman, even a very attractive one, is going to feel worried if her 17 years younger partner is hanging out with the lads a lot. I don't think you're destined to work out in the long run, if you still like to go out with a group of friends regularly, (as opposed to an every now and then catch up), and she's not interested in that lifestyle, then you're incompatible, and that, plus the long distance and the age gap, will be very hard to overcome, and that's what she trying to express, though not very well.  If it was me I'd interpret the conversation as the beginning of the end. 

The thing is when we are together I go out with my friends less, in fact we were together for months I didn't see them as I am usually in her country. It's usually every now and then catch up but one of my friends I started hanging out with more often as he always likes to get out and do things. So it's not like I have changed or am suddenly extrovert and social it's just this one friend makes more effort and I'm usually always up for a run or a drive or gym whatever he wants to do. When I visit her country I don't even know anyone and prefer to do things with her.

 

 

14 hours ago, mark clemson said:

The point of ending it (on your side) would be so that you don't sink too much time into a relationship that is (starting to appear) unlikely to work out and instead look for someone more compatible.

This can be distressing if you've become emotionally attached, but it may be wiser to take the longer term view and move on now rather than, say, after another 3-5 years or what have you. (Although from the way she's talking I honestly doubt you have another 3-5 years before this all becomes too much for her.)

That's the thing we are so compatible in almost everything except almost every fight we had was because of her insecurity which I thought was improving. I see what you're saying though I've not thought about long term it's just gonna be so hard because the day before her comments I felt we were in the best place we've ever been, I felt really good about us spent 3 days making a video for her. Moving on was the last thing on my mind. 

 

8 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

This woman is emotionally abusive. She has no respect for you, and you would be wise to get rid of her. This isn't what love looks like. 

 

You're right my friend said 

"It does seem a pretty major concern that part of what she found attractive about you was that you seemed to want to avoid having friends."
"she is basically making you choose between being attractive to her and having friends"

"There really isn't any other way to interpret it. She is pretty clear: if you have friends she will consider you 'average' and 'less attractive' and 'like other boys' and etc. That is a clear threat"

It is just straight manipulation.

She is using several different angles

One being that she'd find you less attractive which is to make you scared of losing her

One is to imply you mislead her, to make you feel guilty

The other is as you note to mock that lifestyle [having friends, lol] and making it seem 'boring' or whatever

But note that all of these are just to confuse you

Most people if they heard a partner say that stuff to them would dump them and walk away because clearly that is bad"

 

[Warmer]

8 hours ago, basil67 said:

@Warmer have you ever had a healthy, loving relationship to compare your current relationship to?     Sure, it may not have gone the distance, but hopefully you've had previous partners who've treated you with love and respect.

I had a 7 year relationship when I was 18-26 and yeah she didn't treat me like this but also not great. 

 

6 hours ago, Caauug said:

Ya Right!!! Everything you stated she said is an attack on you. It is abuse, plain and simple!!! She thinks she is loosing control of you, she is trying to shame you back in to being an introvert. It is somewhat working as you are here for advice. 

She's playing mind games, using shame. She also puts herself down for making the wrong choice in you, this is the same as playing a victim, as in you have hurt her.... 

It's a LDR, she can't take away sex, what else can she do to control you?? Just mess with your head.... If she does succeed and gets you to be an introvert, it will show that you are weak as a man, that she can control you....  She will loose respect then attraction for you... What ever you do it is a no win for you with her.

Ditch the b****, find someone that will compliment your life. Not be counterproductive and try to control it. 

Thank you you're right and yeah it is working I guess I am just a soft idiot. Exactly what my friend said trying to make me feel guilty as if I mislead her making the wrong choice in me that's how she is trying to make me feel bad because really I've done nothing wrong. Yeah that's what he said also it's just to mess with my head to confuse me. The thing is if she thinks she can do this all 1000 miles away when I'm not even there.. I mean I can just go offline but I can't do that over there and she wants me to go there for 3 months. It will never succeed it only makes me want to socialize even more. I'm more angry that she has put me in this position it's so bad I never do this to her, I would never break up with her but she is giving me no choice. 

 

45 minutes ago, glows said:

Think first about what you want to say because both of you responding to each other and belittling each other based on age is not the point. Don't lower yourself to that level. It's not worth it, imo. The reason only why I brought it up was to think of the irony and to be very wary about why someone so much older is behaving in this way. Think through the relationship, its advantages, disadvantages and where you see yourself as you grow in your own life. 

Maintaining friendships are important. They are your support system - providing love, support, entertainment and also a sense of community and feeling accepted. If someone feels threatened by your friendships the only thing you start doing is asking WHY. 

What I'm hearing in her responses to you and messages is that she feels threatened by your friends and wants to be your sole support network. Introverts have friends too (who would have thought, yes?) This has nothing to do with introvert/extrovert as she's portraying it. It has everything to do with her own insecurity and knowing that mentally healthy individuals would never put up with her manipulation and controlling behaviour. In other words, grown/more mature adults (her peers her age) would not put up with her or her behaviour because most people already know it's not acceptable and abnormal. 

If you're not ready to throw in the towel, then start enforcing your boundaries heavily and with extreme caution. If she has more comments about your friends or family, start enforcing that those individuals have a place in your life and are part of your support network. See how she reacts. 

Also, how do you both plan on working out the LDR in the long term? Is she planning to relocate to you permanently soon or is she trying to get you to leave your town and move out to her? 

 

Thanks for the insightful reply I don't think in relationships as advantages and disadvantages only in how I feel about someone. You're right and others keep saying how nobody else would put up with that behaviour. I have given her so many chances with it that she thinks I will just continue to put up with it. 
I've not even replied yet still as I'm wrapping my head around it, also nothing from her. What I want to say to her is how does she think what she said makes me feel and tell her how manipulative she is and that she is the one being immature and unattractive. I just want to stand up for myself I don't like her calling me a boy and not a man I mean you just don't say that to people.  Enforcing boundaries sounds like a good idea,  then she can make the horrible decision to break up and I won't have to think about regret I will know for sure it would of never worked out. 

The plan was messed up due to brexit so now we are either gonna marry so I can be in her country or we both relocate to Ireland next year. Her lease ends on her place in November.
 

Edited April 6, 2021 by Warmer

[mark clemson]

1 hour ago, Warmer said:

 I see what you're saying though I've not thought about long term it's just gonna be so hard because the day before her comments I felt we were in the best place we've ever been, I felt really good about us spent 3 days making a video for her. Moving on was the last thing on my mind.

There are also people who have odd personality tendencies and "avoidant attachment" who tend to push you away or self-sabotage when things are "good". They are not fully comfortable with too much intimacy/things going too well and so will start mucking things up. Not sure if that's what's going on here, but that is a possibility as well.

[Warmer]

Yeah I think that is possible too, they get bored right? I have noticed when things are going great she seems to throw a spanner in the works.

[elaine567]

Seems to be all very simple to me.
She thought she had found a kindred spirit, turns out you are not that. You just proved that to her this week.
She is disappointed in you, and is in effect breaking up with you, as you are not the man she thought you were.
I don't think there is insecurity or manipulation going on here.
She has just realised, you are totally incompatible.
She is not willing to put up with the new you, so it is over.

[notbroken]

I personally would tell her that I find it unattractive what she said, it is manipulative, and that we are over.  I'm sorry.   Just no way this lady would ever 'let you' have normal friendships and relationships.   Hard next.  No go.   Sorry.