Girlfriend said she finds me unattractive

[Acacia98]

She sounds exhausting.

An insecure person who simply needs a bit of reassurance doesn't go on and on and on like this. This is someone who wants to control who you are and to crush your self-esteem.

[Warmer]

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Seems to be all very simple to me.
She thought she had found a kindred spirit, turns out you are not that. You just proved that to her this week.
She is disappointed in you, and is in effect breaking up with you, as you are not the man she thought you were.
I don't think there is insecurity or manipulation going on here.
She has just realised, you are totally incompatible.
She is not willing to put up with the new you, so it is over.

Right. So me hanging out with a couple of friends changes me in an instant and erases all the loving ways I treated her over the last 3 years I don't think so. If that is true which is absurd then if that's all it took to keep her away after everything then she is the most talented liar that ever lived.

5 hours ago, notbroken said:

I personally would tell her that I find it unattractive what she said, it is manipulative, and that we are over.  I'm sorry.   Just no way this lady would ever 'let you' have normal friendships and relationships.   Hard next.  No go.   Sorry.  

Yeah, this sucks..  I still haven't replied to her it's been 2 days and nothing from her end so maybe Elaine is right it's really over. I mean there's not much I can reply to her telling me she is no longer attracted and not the man she thought I was. So I'm not even going to reply and take that as being dumped.

[elaine567]

13 hours ago, Warmer said:

So me hanging out with a couple of friends changes me in an instant and erases all the loving ways I treated her over the last 3 years I don't think so. If that is true which is absurd then if that's all it took to keep her away after everything then she is the most talented liar that ever lived.

What usually happens is that there is a niggle at first, the niggle grows into a feeling that this may not work, then there is often an event that underlines the fact that this will never work. It is a process and the last straw breaks it for good.

Too many, it seems to me, think that the last straw event should somehow be negated by previous good events, but it doesn't tend to work like that. Here, she saw in you something she didn't like, something she didn't want to tolerate, so it is over in her mind. She is letting you go.

She is 51, she knows exactly what she wants and a bf hanging out with other guys and not prioritizing her, is not what she wants in her life. She saw a different side to you, the social side, the side that excluded her and her way of life, so she saw the writing on the wall. It doesn't matter how much you loved her in the past, all that matters is the now.

Edited April 7, 2021 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Spacing,

[basil67]

8 hours ago, Warmer said:

Right. So me hanging out with a couple of friends changes me in an instant and erases all the loving ways I treated her over the last 3 years I don't think so. If that is true which is absurd then if that's all it took to keep her away after everything then she is the most talented liar that ever lived

 

I'm looking for red flags which may have been missed.    

You mentioned that she has no friends.  Does she ever claim that she's been treated unfairly, left, abused by a lot of people in her past?   Her mother is one....but as an adult were there more people who ditched her?   If so, it's entirely likely that she had done this to other friends and actually been the one who was at fault.   To be clear, I know that many of us have one or two relationships or friendships which crashed and burned....but combine someone who has no friends, claims "abandonment issues" but then pulls a stunt like this...well it all starts to fall into place. 

[Andy_K]

She's insecure, crazy, and not nearly as special/unique as she wants to think she is.

Wish her all the best and move on.

[Warmer]

10 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'm looking for red flags which may have been missed.    

You mentioned that she has no friends.  Does she ever claim that she's been treated unfairly, left, abused by a lot of people in her past?   Her mother is one....but as an adult were there more people who ditched her?   If so, it's entirely likely that she had done this to other friends and actually been the one who was at fault.   To be clear, I know that many of us have one or two relationships or friendships which crashed and burned....but combine someone who has no friends, claims "abandonment issues" but then pulls a stunt like this...well it all starts to fall into place. 

I don't think a lot, she says her ex used to hit her but she had a 16 year marriage with her last ex who she still talks to. She really just doesn't have friends, she moved to another country and never bothered to socialize after 3 years living there. 

 

 

2 hours ago, Andy_K said:

She's insecure, crazy, and not nearly as special/unique as she wants to think she is.

Wish her all the best and move on.

Insecure yeah and that can drive her a bit crazy but maybe I can reassure her there is nothing to worry about because it must not be easy for her with long distance, a lockdown, her pet is very ill and lots of other problems she has had very bad luck recently. She did say she was feeling bad this day. I think I am going to try and enforce boundaries like suggested and see how she reacts. I still haven't replied and it's the 3rd day so I'm worried I'll get more guilt trip if I ask to talk and if I don't maybe she will end it or even already has.

[basil67]

3 hours ago, Warmer said:

Insecure yeah and that can drive her a bit crazy but maybe I can reassure her there is nothing to worry about because it must not be easy for her with long distance, a lockdown, her pet is very ill and lots of other problems she has had very bad luck recently. She did say she was feeling bad this day. I think I am going to try and enforce boundaries like suggested and see how she reacts. I still haven't replied and it's the 3rd day so I'm worried I'll get more guilt trip if I ask to talk and if I don't maybe she will end it or even already has.

@Warmer I do believe she's already ended it.   

That said, you're trying to excuse the inexcusable.   Yes, it's tough when quite a few things go wrong, but you should be the one she turns to for support - not the one she sprays with vitriol.   The best boundary you can have is to block her.   

I'm sorry that she hid this toxic side of herself from you for so long.  

[Warmer]

1 hour ago, basil67 said:

@Warmer I do believe she's already ended it.   

That said, you're trying to excuse the inexcusable.   Yes, it's tough when quite a few things go wrong, but you should be the one she turns to for support - not the one she sprays with vitriol.   The best boundary you can have is to block her.   

I'm sorry that she hid this toxic side of herself from you for so long.  

True I've always supported her especially recently ugh it's really hitting home what's happened feel a real sadness coming on. 

Do you believe she ended it based on her last comments or because she hasn't come back since Sunday? Because she said in OP rethink if I want to visit her which doesn't make sense. It's still shitty what she said but I'm not sure if this is a breakup. I thought she would at least come back today and apologise.  She said in my OP she was sad and needed me but I spent all my energy on my friends and need to reset for running. But I didn't mean reset for running I meant reset my body clock from the allnighter. 

I don't like blocking people as it seems petty and like they really got to me so much plus it was someone I thought was my soul mate who I connected with like no other human being so I'd like to know if they died. Plus you always think maybe I should unblock. 

I'm gonna see if she messages tomorrow and if not wish her well and let her know I can't be with someone who has no respect for me. Otherwise she will just wait for me to contact and if I don't she will end it thinking I am the bad one for not replying. She has gone radio silent before but this is the first time I've done it but only because I'm so confused.

[glows]

Why is she still talking with her ex-husband? Do they have kids together?

I don't think this is a break up. It sounds like she's upset and is likely cooling off or talking with her ex. By the way that's not a good sign if she's still pals with ex-hubs. Chances are she'll come back to you once she realizes she can't get anything from him as easily.

Do you mind me asking how you know each other? Did you meet on a dating app?

 

Edited April 8, 2021 by glows

[Caauug]

On 4/7/2021 at 12:30 AM, Warmer said:

Yeah I think that is possible too, they get bored right? I have noticed when things are going great she seems to throw a spanner in the works.

It's called drama... 

As a woman she will be more emotionally in touch with her feelings. She maybe lacking drama or excitement in her life so she can make it where she wants to. By the quote above this is not the first time she has done this, it will not be the last... This shows it works for her. 

Why put up with the head games from her??? You don't need to be a pawn in her games, you will never win as it is not your game. 

Just take it as a break up from her... Consider yourself lucky to be out!!! 

[Warmer]

13 hours ago, glows said:

Why is she still talking with her ex-husband? Do they have kids together?

I don't think this is a break up. It sounds like she's upset and is likely cooling off or talking with her ex. By the way that's not a good sign if she's still pals with ex-hubs. Chances are she'll come back to you once she realizes she can't get anything from him as easily.

Do you mind me asking how you know each other? Did you meet on a dating app?

 

They stayed friends, they were friends for years before we met after they separated. No kids.
Nah he's also got his own gf. 

I don't think upset because I've done nothing wrong, more like resentful. We met on a running app. 

 

9 hours ago, Caauug said:

It's called drama... 

As a woman she will be more emotionally in touch with her feelings. She maybe lacking drama or excitement in her life so she can make it where she wants to. By the quote above this is not the first time she has done this, it will not be the last... This shows it works for her. 

Why put up with the head games from her??? You don't need to be a pawn in her games, you will never win as it is not your game. 

Just take it as a break up from her... Consider yourself lucky to be out!!! 

I don't think that is the reason and I don't consider a 3 year relationship with someone I was really close to ending as being lucky. I'm not putting up with the games though not anymore.

[glows]

You're only 34 and dealing with a woman long distance with serious issues. Skip this. Yes, you can do better. No, not sorry if that's blunt. 

And way to go if you've already realized this! Onwards.

[Warmer]

On 4/7/2021 at 8:36 AM, elaine567 said:

What usually happens is that there is a niggle at first, the niggle grows into a feeling that this may not work, then there is often an event that underlines the fact that this will never work. It is a process and the last straw breaks it for good.

Too many, it seems to me, think that the last straw event should somehow be negated by previous good events, but it doesn't tend to work like that. Here, she saw in you something she didn't like, something she didn't want to tolerate, so it is over in her mind. She is letting you go.

She is 51, she knows exactly what she wants and a bf hanging out with other guys and not prioritizing her, is not what she wants in her life. She saw a different side to you, the social side, the side that excluded her and her way of life, so she saw the writing on the wall. It doesn't matter how much you loved her in the past, all that matters is the now.

@elaine567This is wrong. I have not excluded her at all. We are 1000 miles apart during a lockdown, we talk online all the time so I don't even have an option to choose my friends over her because she isn't even here. Online I always reply to her quickly, I call her, I send her photos I give her so much love. I go out one day with friends and she claims I don't prioritize her. It's just her throwing a wobble because she didn't want me to sleep when I explained I have been awake over 32 hours.

If you love someone you don't just toss them aside because they spend a little more time with friends during a lockdown apart than usual. How can you not see the controlling behaviour? She wants me to herself it's not love. She should be happy that my mates are getting me out the house. Her way of life has not been excluded at all she mentioned partying and clubbing etc as if I have done that I just went out for an hour drive with mates. You have read what she wrote and fallen for the bullshit. 



 

[glows]

You don't need to prove your reasons for walking away, Warmer. Your life, your decision. Follow your instincts.

[Woggle]

She sounds very controlling. Does she expect you to just stay in the house and do nothing while she is away?

[Warmer]

15 hours ago, Woggle said:

She sounds very controlling. Does she expect you to just stay in the house and do nothing while she is away?

The thing is we go to one of my friends and we make food for the homeless and drive around handing it out. I don't see how it is negative or unattractive it's not like we get pissed up and live some negative lifestyle. It's just 4 introvert lads going for a walk through nature which is exactly what my and my gf do but now it's unattractive if it's not with her.

18 hours ago, glows said:

You're only 34 and dealing with a woman long distance with serious issues. Skip this. Yes, you can do better. No, not sorry if that's blunt. 

And way to go if you've already realized this! Onwards.

Thanks that's fine you're right. I don't mind the distance and I was hoping we could close it soon but this is too much. It's so disappointing she's decided to act like this I wish I had been more social earlier so I could of seen these true colours show. 

[glows]

I'd leave it for now and spend some time reflecting how this happened. She'll probably come back and start texting you again or want to talk with you at some point. She doesn't seem like a very secure person or happy with herself so... in all likelihood, she is going to come back for reassurance and to patch things up. 

Use the time now to think things through and spend more time with your support network. Figure out what got you into this in the first place and what you want/don't want in a serious or long term relationship.

 

[Warmer]

8 hours ago, glows said:

I'd leave it for now and spend some time reflecting how this happened. She'll probably come back and start texting you again or want to talk with you at some point. She doesn't seem like a very secure person or happy with herself so... in all likelihood, she is going to come back for reassurance and to patch things up. 

Use the time now to think things through and spend more time with your support network. Figure out what got you into this in the first place and what you want/don't want in a serious or long term relationship.

 

Thanks for the advice I think I just allowed myself to be treated this way. She did reply with this and now it's only about the car like we was gonna crash which is untrue. Our lives were never in danger she just trying to assassinate my friend with his driving. She originally went on a rant about me socializing and then saw the driving driving and now it's only about that no reply about trying to isolate me. She said it's my own fault that she went to someone else for support. I'm angry because she did it to make me jealous and now blaming it on me. 

I sent this. 

 

I haven't been able to reply as I'm so confused. I just don't understand what I have done wrong and the amount of disrespect how could you of loved me when you don't even like me. I am the same person, I did only what we do, a drive and a walk through nature with others who are also introvert. Introverts also have friends. My morals and principles never changed it's not like we went drinking or clubbing it's the same lifestyle I am the same person but suddenly you've fallen out of love with me so quickly just like that. 

I was not too tired from 'meeting up all week' and like I said I'm not going out to people's houses or bars or anything like that. We go and make food at Dans and we feed the homeless with it I don't see how it's negative or unnatractive. I was tired because I had done an all nighter, I had been awake over 32 hours I was completely exhausted. I was tired because I spent all night making something romantic for you. I put a lot of work into it and got carried away and that's why I didn't run. The only reason I didn't bail on the day out is because I was falling asleep and used it to keep me awake until 6pm so I could crash and sleep/reset body clock. 

I talked to my friend about the driving and he said yeah he understands and admits he drives too fast and tailgates etc but we were not acting cool and laughing about that, it was something Dan had said unrelated to drivnig. I never said f*** yeah to his driving, it was again something Dan had said. And we really did get stuck behind a slow driver for a long time. Dan was not 'acting cool' he was just making a joke about me recording. 
What you have wrote you are basically making me choose between being attractive to you or having friends. You tried to actively make me jealous too as punishment "I'll talk to somoene else". That hurt. You made it pretty clear: If I have friends you will consider me 'average' and 'less attractive' and 'like other boys' etc. Why the threat? Why mock hanging out with friends as if it's boring especially when it's okay for us to go for a drive and a walk through nature?

You also imply that I misled you like you made the wrong choice in me. I just don't get it I thought you loved me so f***ing much so deeply and you see a little social side to me and it's gone.

 

Her reply:

 

If we speak about driving accidents just before you set off, and you know Im worried and then after the trip you send me a video of the irresponsible driving of yr friend, who has the responsibility for 3 passengers 1 of them you and none of them telling him to take it easy all completely ok with it. That is just not cool or ok for me and totally unsexy, sorry but I just see 18 year old boys getting carried away driving a stupid ass car. 
I understand your need for and supported you seeing friends, as you know, but this kind of behavior plus giving them so much time that you dont have time left for yr gf who is waiting patiently till you are done doing yr thing with the friends but is in a stressful situation again with her cat that she just went to vet with 12 times being sick again and could do talking about it. Then dont be surprised if she turns to others for support. 'No my bf is hanging out with his mates all the time, yeah so cool one of em has a new car!! They gonna show the road who is boss!! Supercool, only when he comes home he cant talk to me bc this is the time he picks to restart his sleep routine"

When I saw video first time I tried to ignore it bc you had had a good time, so started conversation but I felt superuneasy about it.
You sometimes dont oversee things and their possible consequences. Like with the padron. Kristel went to townhall and applied (she needed to be registered at council in a padron in order to get a loan for her new business), week after her landlady was notified by townhall she had filed the padron, and now they are evicted.
What is love, is love knowing yr gf is worried and then sending her a video of you and 3 other guys in a car that could have crashed when you all didnt even realized?

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by Warmer

[glows]

Both of you just aren't compatible. To put it very bluntly, she's looking for someone her age/phase in life but she probably can't find anyone at her peer level because of her own issues. 

You have a good head on your shoulders if you know that her blaming you for looking for support elsewhere is not your fault. I suggest you shrug this relationship off. It's dragging you down and it'll continue to drag you down. She needs to date someone closer to her age and stop preying on men almost 20 years younger or criticizing them for their free time/hobbies. 

 

[Warmer]

3 hours ago, glows said:

Both of you just aren't compatible. To put it very bluntly, she's looking for someone her age/phase in life but she probably can't find anyone at her peer level because of her own issues. 

You have a good head on your shoulders if you know that her blaming you for looking for support elsewhere is not your fault. I suggest you shrug this relationship off. It's dragging you down and it'll continue to drag you down. She needs to date someone closer to her age and stop preying on men almost 20 years younger or criticizing them for their free time/hobbies. 

 

It's ME who invested 3 years into someone who didn't even truly love me I feel so stupid so so stupid that I am angry at myself. Sacrificed so much. I told her it's over and she just replied "ok". Starting to think she was cheating on me and wanted to do this to push me away. Using the car video as a free punch.

Edited April 10, 2021 by Warmer

[basil67]

I’m so glad you’re getting mad over this.  You have every right to be mad, and that anger will propel you out of there. 
 

 

[basil67]

4 hours ago, glows said:

Both of you just aren't compatible. To put it very bluntly, she's looking for someone her age/phase in life but she probably can't find anyone at her peer level because of her own issues. 

 

As a woman who’s only just a little older than the woman in question, she’s going to do it tough.  I don’t know anyone who wants their partner to isolate from friends like this.   Yep, she’s got some serious issues going on 

[elaine567]

5 hours ago, Warmer said:

It's ME who invested 3 years into someone who didn't even truly love me

How can you say that? You don't know that.
Romantic love no matter how intense or sincerely felt, tends to be very conditional and can disappear in an instant.
Here she lost respect for you, you were no longer the man  she thought you were and so love flies out of the window.

5 hours ago, Warmer said:

I told her it's over and she just replied "ok".

Of course she did, as breaking up with you I guess was her intention all along.
This was not really about the friends per se. I think she just realised she was dating a guy so much younger.
She likely thought you were more on her level, but the video clearly showed you were not. 

9 hours ago, Warmer said:

I just see 18 year old boys getting carried away driving a stupid ass car.

The age gap just widened exponentially...

[Warmer]

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

As a woman who’s only just a little older than the woman in question, she’s going to do it tough.  I don’t know anyone who wants their partner to isolate from friends like this.   Yep, she’s got some serious issues going on 

Yep it seems she is just not capable of a healthy dynamic, and I invested a lot in the hopes she magically will one day.

 

Insecurity can ruin a person the people like her can live a life never getting help it's a tragedy. She's a broken person on every level. I was reasonable, in fact I think I did too much to try and make this work. Her thinking is just clearly distorted. And it is sad for her because she is doomed to be sad and alone forever really.

I told her I was going to upload the video as I spent days on it and she can unsub before I do but then I changed my mind and realized I was doing it for her not me. She replied 

"If its just for you, just keep it to yourself no need to put it out there. I'm not unsubscribing so you can put a video of us up for all to see. So I trust you won't. It wasnt for nothing anyways, it showed that you loved me enough to make me a video one day, and to break up a few days after bc Im upset about something, and first thing you think about is that you want yr stuff back."

Still manipulative blowing hot n cold to throw me off balance with untruths. Trying to blame it on a bad day. It doesn't change the reality she made one thing clear: she believes me having friends and being independent is both a betrayal of what attracted her to me in the first place and something that makes me 'less desirable'. This has nothing to do with her being upset just a coincidence she is taking advantage of to make me feel guilty. 

 

49 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

How can you say that? You don't know that.
Romantic love no matter how intense or sincerely felt, tends to be very conditional and can disappear in an instant.
Here she lost respect for you, you were no longer the man  she thought you were and so love flies out of the window.

Of course she did, as breaking up with you I guess was her intention all along.
This was not really about the friends per se. I think she just realised she was dating a guy so much younger.
She likely thought you were more on her level, but the video clearly showed you were not. 

The age gap just widened exponentially...

No you don't just stop loving someone because they had fun with friends. She was completely fine before she saw my friends and me having fun. My mate just overtook a few people in car and she used it as a free punch and to try to shame me for hanging out with them. I am the same man nothing changed except she got jealous.

The video was just my friend overtaking and didn't show much you don't toss away a relationship over something so trivial. She is just jealous of the time I'm spending with others.

 

 

 

 

 

 

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, Warmer said:

She is just jealous of the time I'm spending with others.

Maybe, maybe not but the result is the same anyway.
You may think you are the same man, but she disagrees.
You cannot control how she feels.

The rights or wrongs of the situation are irrelevant.

You are not compatible and it is apparently over. 
People date to find people who they are compatible with. People who make them feel good inside.
If anyone does not meet  expectations or let's them down and makes them feel bad inside, then they tend to want to end things and move on to someone who does.
Life is too short for anyone to put up with stuff that makes them unhappy.

As I said before this was likely the last straw... if it hadn't been "the friends" incident, it would have been something else.
i guess you broke up with her to make her beg for you to come back, but it didn't work, she just said OK...
If you do not want to lose her then you are going to have to grovel, apologise and agree to her demands, but even then, if she is indeed "done", it may not work. 
Grieve, heal and move on is my advice.
Accept it is over and go find a woman who won't care if you go out with your friends.

(BTW, many people see their pets as part of the family, they are very very important to them.
To some people a pet is much more important than friends and family.
An ill pet can reduce even the strongest to a vulnerable wreck.
The fact she was so upset about her cat and you were out enjoying yourself with others, and apparently not giving a damn, was not a good look...).