Girlfriend said she finds me unattractive

[Warmer]

2 hours ago, elaine567 said:

Maybe, maybe not but the result is the same anyway.
You may think you are the same man, but she disagrees.
You cannot control how she feels.

The rights or wrongs of the situation are irrelevant.

You are not compatible and it is apparently over. 
People date to find people who they are compatible with. People who make them feel good inside.
If anyone does not meet  expectations or let's them down and makes them feel bad inside, then they tend to want to end things and move on to someone who does.
Life is too short for anyone to put up with stuff that makes them unhappy.

As I said before this was likely the last straw... if it hadn't been "the friends" incident, it would have been something else.
i guess you broke up with her to make her beg for you to come back, but it didn't work, she just said OK...
If you do not want to lose her then you are going to have to grovel, apologise and agree to her demands, but even then, if she is indeed "done", it may not work. 
Grieve, heal and move on is my advice.
Accept it is over and go find a woman who won't care if you go out with your friends.

(BTW, many people see their pets as part of the family, they are very very important to them.
To some people a pet is much more important than friends and family.
An ill pet can reduce even the strongest to a vulnerable wreck.
The fact she was so upset about her cat and you were out enjoying yourself with others, and apparently not giving a damn, was not a good look...).

No I've done nothing wrong to make her feel bad, I was giving her tons of support for her cat and he had gotten better, I also asked about the cat the day I was out with friends and she changed the convo back to my friends. This was not a last straw situation things between us had been better than ever for the last 4 months I have no failed this is a problem she has with herself. We were together 3 years I wouldn't call it dating to find each other we discovered each other ages ago. 

No I didn't break up with her for that, I've taken the decision very seriously been thinking about it since Monday. I Broke up with her because this relationship was harming me. This isn't the first time she's been emotionally abusive. 

Grovel? Wow you sound just like her mighty full of yourself. I have done nothing wrong to apologise for and I don't want her back I can find someone who doesn't try to control me.

Yeah I know I am one of those people but what about all the other times she's pulled stunts like this. Is she going to try and blame it on her cat or a bad day or whatever anytime she does this sort of thing? Besides, it doesn't change the reality she made one thing clear: she believes me having friends and being independent is both a betrayal of what attracted her to me in the first place and something that makes me 'less desirable'. 

Edited April 10, 2021 by Warmer

[elaine567]

6 minutes ago, Warmer said:

Grovel? Wow you sound just like her mighty full of yourself. I have done nothing wrong to apologise for and I don't want her back I can find someone who doesn't try to control me.

I didn't suggest that you SHOULD do that but IF you want her back then that may be the path you may have to follow to accomplish that...

[Warmer]

24 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I didn't suggest that you SHOULD do that but IF you want her back then that may be the path you may have to follow to accomplish that...

If I wanted it I wouldn't of ended it

[ThereSheGoes]

Reading her responses was pissing me off.

 

She sounds crazy. Insecure. Immature. Like, I get it. The older we get, the more we realize what we do and don't want. But the things she's talking about, how you go out too often (Out of your whole relationship, you went out for a few days in ONE WEEK), how she classified 'better' when a guy doesn't have the normal things that a normal human being would have, it sounds controlling. She chose a younger guy who probably did not have his 'sht together' because it would be easier to control him. She sounds like a mom who doesn't like the idea of her teenage son coming home after curfew. Hell, even introverts like to go out every now and again! You can't stay inside, locked away from the world every night, it's not healthy. 

You are all adults. You talk to her often. Multiple times a day. What else does she want. You're in a long distance relationship, it's not like you can go over and see her every single day.

She sounds like, even though she has matured to the age that she is, she's still dealing with a lot of baggage. I would just ditch her. You owe her nothing. She needs to seek some therapy.

[healing light]

On 4/5/2021 at 12:14 PM, Warmer said:

Id rather be with somebody that in societies opion may not be a catch (no car, no licence, no career, no house)

This preference would be glaring red flags to me. This is a person who thrives on emotionally isolating their victims (aka partners) so that they can completely control their life. She is happy for you to have zero outside interests, activities, or friends so the relationship can cater 100% to her.

[Warmer]

15 hours ago, ThereSheGoes said:

Reading her responses was pissing me off.

 

She sounds crazy. Insecure. Immature. Like, I get it. The older we get, the more we realize what we do and don't want. But the things she's talking about, how you go out too often (Out of your whole relationship, you went out for a few days in ONE WEEK), how she classified 'better' when a guy doesn't have the normal things that a normal human being would have, it sounds controlling. She chose a younger guy who probably did not have his 'sht together' because it would be easier to control him. She sounds like a mom who doesn't like the idea of her teenage son coming home after curfew. Hell, even introverts like to go out every now and again! You can't stay inside, locked away from the world every night, it's not healthy. 

You are all adults. You talk to her often. Multiple times a day. What else does she want. You're in a long distance relationship, it's not like you can go over and see her every single day.

She sounds like, even though she has matured to the age that she is, she's still dealing with a lot of baggage. I would just ditch her. You owe her nothing. She needs to seek some therapy.

Glad I'm not the only one who finds her responses aggravating. Exactly and the fact she basically says the more I go out the more chance I will lose her to make me scared of going out. Thing is if she is so introvert then why does she like going out with me, introverts also like having socializing. Exactly it's a relationship over the phone it was one night I slept early 1 night I was awake too long. 

14 hours ago, healing light said:

This preference would be glaring red flags to me. This is a person who thrives on emotionally isolating their victims (aka partners) so that they can completely control their life. She is happy for you to have zero outside interests, activities, or friends so the relationship can cater 100% to her.

She has always supported my running though which is a lot it's 14 hours a week I run twice a day but she's always catered to it. I've known runners who partners have left who run this much so she's been great in that. She has said in past how I don't have some areas of my life together but the important ones like character is what she loved me for but yeah it's annoying when she brings it up to remind me.

She sent me this today. 

 

Quote

 I am myself, that video did my head in, and your decision to send it me, especially after talking about his driving and car crashes that morning, and me being already worried is proper I don't get. S was right bad that day, but I knew you was out with T and decided not to contact you, also not in evening as thought let him enjoy day/maybe evening as you know I always support that (Im not getting into you saying I want you to fully isolate etc bc you know better) but you contacted me so I thought nice I could do with talking about it, and felt weight of having to deal with it alone fall off my shoulders. Then you say done this and this with friends all week, and after that video that gave me knot of fear in my stomach but tried to ignore my feelings about, but now Im gonna reset so prefer not to talk so I can rest up. So that. Made me say what I really feel about that video and the irresponsibility of T. Im not getting into it again but I stand by how I feel about it. It makes me sick to my stomach, the fear of losing you like that, if me trying to prevent losing you like that made me lose you so be it. I could have been in the position Kirsty is in now. Your very mature in many ways, some things your not, and I noticed this as well when you drive my car, you get carried away. And this is the stuff that get ppl killed. If some things are not cool Im gonna tell you. If you cant handle that and learn than at least I told you. Im not a ya sayer. I tell you very many things I appreciate about you as well. And yes I could have told you more gently but things add up and if you fear you could lose the person you care about most bc hes got different ideas on whats dangerous and not after and during the state I was in bc I tried to give you space so you could hang out without me bothering you and then you think yr being presented with a window where you can talk only for it to be taken away bc now you need to reset.

This pisses me off feel like she is saying I walked away only because she cared about me. I only drove her car twice in an empty parking lot in first gear for 10 minutes. Also I asked her if she wanted to talk that evening 

Me: Talk soon if you want?

Her. Yeah lets see if we want tonight and otherwise tomorrow ok!

Her: We'll see. Anyways enjoy meal and hope you sleep well tonight

Me. I may fall asleep at half 7

Then she got funny with me. Sent all the manipulate stuff about my friends and how she finds me.unnatractive then an hour later she said she watched the car video properly but now it's all about the car video like she's anchoring onto it. 

Edited April 11, 2021 by Warmer

[glows]

So why are you asking her to talk with you?

[Warmer]

40 minutes ago, glows said:

So why are you asking her to talk with you?

She asked me if I wanted to talk

[glows]

I'm not sure what is the point of talking. She's quite repetitive and likes to talk down to you and you've made up your mind that you won't put up with her. Are you hoping to work this out?

[Warmer]

44 minutes ago, glows said:

I'm not sure what is the point of talking. She's quite repetitive and likes to talk down to you and you've made up your mind that you won't put up with her. Are you hoping to work this out?

That's what I thought, one final swing at me I guess. Also changed her profile picture to her in skimpy outfit it's a bit pathetic. No definitely not I don't wanna be with someone who treats me like this without respect. 

[glows]

11 minutes ago, Warmer said:

That's what I thought, one final swing at me I guess. Also changed her profile picture to her in skimpy outfit it's a bit pathetic. No definitely not I don't wanna be with someone who treats me like this without respect. 

I know you're angry but that anger will eat you up inside if you don't address it. What she wants to wear is up to her. You're having trouble seeing yourself with this person because of the way she talks to you or the way she takes away your confidence or manipulates you.. so why do the same to her? Don't be like her or think like her. Just walk away.

She can contact you if she wants. It doesn't mean she's going to get a reply. Maybe you think that she's going to apologize or feel sorry for what she said? 

[Warmer]

13 minutes ago, glows said:

I know you're angry but that anger will eat you up inside if you don't address it. What she wants to wear is up to her. You're having trouble seeing yourself with this person because of the way she talks to you or the way she takes away your confidence or manipulates you.. so why do the same to her? Don't be like her or think like her. Just walk away.

She can contact you if she wants. It doesn't mean she's going to get a reply. Maybe you think that she's going to apologize or feel sorry for what she said? 

I never mentioned it to her, of course I would never tell someone what to wear and it's not about what she is wearing it's about the fact she's done it to try and get to me.

She can contact me yes but she does so to again like you say put me down. Honestly it would be nice if she did apologize since she was out of order but even if she does she won't change because I've already been putting up with this sort of thing for 3 years now and I really tried to make it work and gave so much chance. 

[glows]

1 hour ago, Warmer said:

I never mentioned it to her, of course I would never tell someone what to wear and it's not about what she is wearing it's about the fact she's done it to try and get to me.

She can contact me yes but she does so to again like you say put me down. Honestly it would be nice if she did apologize since she was out of order but even if she does she won't change because I've already been putting up with this sort of thing for 3 years now and I really tried to make it work and gave so much chance. 

Best to collect your thoughts and not have any other expectations on this. She may or may not apologize in the coming weeks. If you're going to move forwards, initiating or going along with any calls probably won't help you clear your mind and start your life fresh without her in it. 

 

Edited April 11, 2021 by glows

[Warmer]

Update she apologised and said she wasn't herself lately in the relationship. We decided to work on communication. That was 2 weeks ago.

Last night my friend was driving his new car so I agreed to come along and get food as I was hungry. We ate outside. She knew this as I was talking to her and sent her a photo. She seemed cool having a laugh. So I went inside the bar/cafe close by to use the toilet the place was empty just two femame staff in there. There were a lot of cool old paintings of portraits on the walls. I saw one painting it was the letter of her first name which we always see everywhere. So I filmed it and when I got home I edited it into a cinematic video with music and sent her it. Basically just me walking through hallway and the camera focus / zooms in on the painting. It kept me up late as my laptop is so slow. I thought nice she will love this and I even ordered the painting online to give to her.

I wake-up to find I am blocked on messenger and I get this..

Quote

You going to bars as well now?

🤷‍♀️ Just saying. Every time I accept a change, and believe you saying you haven't really changed as yr not going to bars or anything, next you know your going to a bar.

Who was you there with it's real quiet there yet I hear women and you was up right late. It don't feel good. How do you expect me to trust you when you start doing things you say your not doing then end up in a bar that late at night why is it suddenly a choice you make to go to a bar to meet new people. You really are changing 😢

I feel sick

Can't believe you out there socializing with a woman in a bar late at night. Doing everything you say you weren't doing.

You changing into what your ex did she started hanging out with a different crowd ended up going to festivals doing things she didn't before when you two was close. She changed. So did you, you like wax you just do whatever the person your hanging out with is doing. Who are you even? The freedom that you wanted back is yours forgood I hope your glad.

How can one end up from how you was last years to laughing and chatting with a woman in a bar on Saturdaynight especially after telling me your horny as f***. And that after you saying recently re my reaction not going to bars or anything, if I would I would understand your reaction and then just a week or so after you do! If thats the life you want you got it, hope it makes you happier than being with me.
How could you break my trust and throw us away.

 

I don't get it she was fine before this. She is saying I'm changing like my ex but she really did change as she started doing drugs and drinking excessively hanging out with different crowd. Should I try and call her and explain? Let her cool down? She promised not to block me on messenger anymore it feels like no matter what I do I get all this drama from her it's so unnatractive and immature. I'm too embarrassed to even ask my friend about it. How can I get her to see she is the one creating problem for herself cause this is manipulation yeah she is probs very hurt but she doesn't even communicate just goes off the handle yet again and blocks me so her apology meant nothing.

 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Warmer

[Woggle]

You have the right to a life. To be honest this sounds exhausting to me not even be able to enjoy yourself with a friend or she gets mad.

[Wiseman2]

45 minutes ago, Warmer said:

it feels like no matter what I do I get all this drama from her it's so unnatractive and immature

When it's over, it's over and old issues don't resolve.  Pull the plug for good and just end it and stay no contact. Stay single for a while.

[spiderowl]

It sounds like she wanted your attention and you were too busy.  Also, she is seeing a side of you she wasn't aware of.  Maybe she has been worried about age for a while and this just confirms to her.  She is an introvert attracted to other introverts.  She was hoping to meet similar.

She may become less critical if you go back to paying her attention but you need to think whether this is the kind of relationship you want.  I would have thought you want to be free to spend time with your friends without criticism.

[Warmer]

2 hours ago, Woggle said:

You have the right to a life. To be honest this sounds exhausting to me not even be able to enjoy yourself with a friend or she gets mad.

Exactly what is that how can I get her to stop. 

2 hours ago, Wiseman2 said:

When it's over, it's over and old issues don't resolve.  Pull the plug for good and just end it and stay no contact. Stay single for a while.

I hear you but I can't it seems the worst option 

1 hour ago, spiderowl said:

It sounds like she wanted your attention and you were too busy.  Also, she is seeing a side of you she wasn't aware of.  Maybe she has been worried about age for a while and this just confirms to her.  She is an introvert attracted to other introverts.  She was hoping to meet similar.

She may become less critical if you go back to paying her attention but you need to think whether this is the kind of relationship you want.  I would have thought you want to be free to spend time with your friends without criticism.

It's not about me changing or my personalty or age. If I had gone to toilet in a musem or a retail store there would of been zero problem. She doesn't even let me talk to her and I've told her recently not to jump the gun and block me but she just blocks me again.

I appreciate your different angle but I was messaging her whilst out with a friend, I stayed up late when I got home to send her a video so how much attention does she need because at that point it's just selfish to ask so much. I don't see what age has to do with it. Its no different than her going out with someone for a meal. I just want her to stop being so immature I mean blocking me? I was attracted to her because she was older and seemed mature and secure. But she is only mature when she chooses to be I keep seeing this other side to her too much. I don't want to feel like if I don't give her constant attention and only involve her in my life she will blow up at me. I can't tell if she loves me and has trauma issues or if she only loves me when she gets all my attention 

Edited May 3, 2021 by Warmer

[elaine567]

You knew her limits and you pushed them. You did essentially the same thing as you did the last time, complete with video which you spent all night compiling... Hmm
This time you compounded it with the addition of a bar and women...
This is basic incompatibility.

7 hours ago, Warmer said:

... how can I get her to stop. 

How can she get you to stop?

[basil67]

11 hours ago, Warmer said:

I don't get it she was fine before this.

Three weeks of good behaviour after her previous meltdown is not "fine".   It's easy to hold it together for a few weeks, but only time will show if someone has really changed.  Sadly, it did not take long for her show that she has not changed at all.     

The only way to stop this is for you to completely give up a social life and dedicate yourself to doing only things she approves of.   Be MrWarmer-no-friends who has a big thumbprint from his girlfriend on his forehead.  Naturally, I think you have more sense than to do this.  

Also, don't make the mistake of thinking age=maturity.   There are some really mature 25yos and some really immature 55yos.  

[Acacia98]

I dont understand why you're still going round and round in circles with this person. At some point, love just isn't enough. Do you enjoy the drama at some level?

[Warmer]

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I dont understand why you're still going round and round in circles with this person. At some point, love just isn't enough. Do you enjoy the drama at some level?

Because I love them I hate the drama I hate that she has anxiety issues and I hate that she takes them out on me.

6 hours ago, elaine567 said:

You knew her limits and you pushed them. You did essentially the same thing as you did the last time, complete with video which you spent all night compiling... Hmm
This time you compounded it with the addition of a bar and women...
This is basic incompatibility.

How can she get you to stop?

The video was 10 seconds long it only showed some painting and the letter of her first name which is a spiritual connection we share. Yeah I stayed up late editing it because my laptop is very slow and the video is 4K so renders slow. There were no women in the video you can very faintly hear a staff member talking in the background for like 2 seconds I didn't even notice it until she said.

How can she get me to stop having any friends or entering a bar to use a toilet? No she should be asking how can she get her anxiety to stop instead of trying to make it like I am creating a problem.

 

You mean how can she get me just sit at her feet and spend my days licking her fingers, etc. She wants me to be her dog. That's what love is to her. Unconditional, unchanging, completely on her terms. I don't think this is even a out the bar it's just an excuse to take a swing at me.

5 hours ago, basil67 said:

Three weeks of good behaviour after her previous meltdown is not "fine".   It's easy to hold it together for a few weeks, but only time will show if someone has really changed.  Sadly, it did not take long for her show that she has not changed at all.     

The only way to stop this is for you to completely give up a social life and dedicate yourself to doing only things she approves of.   Be MrWarmer-no-friends who has a big thumbprint from his girlfriend on his forehead.  Naturally, I think you have more sense than to do this.  

Also, don't make the mistake of thinking age=maturity.   There are some really mature 25yos and some really immature 55yos.  

Yeah exactly she just wants me to be her loyal dog. I don't think that is love and she says I am the one throwing it away but it's her thats making that choice out of her insecurity. That is true some people age but never grow.

5 hours ago, Acacia98 said:

I dont understand why you're still going round and round in circles with this person. At some point, love just isn't enough. Do you enjoy the drama at some level?

 

[Taramere]

On 4/5/2021 at 9:13 PM, Warmer said:

Yeah that sounds like you hit the nail on the head there. These sort of things always come out of fear but she won't say it because it makes her look unattractive being insecure as you say so she is projecting that onto me as the unattractive one. 

I would have thought "a little fearful or insecure" would be a less unattractive look than "domineering, misanthropic killjoy".

[glows]

This is going around in circles and you keep setting yourself up for more issues. She doesn't like you. Both of you aren't even local. What is this? Why settle for something so below par? It's like trying to find meaning with a microscope.. where is it? 

You mentioned you love her - is this love? Or lust? Or possessing each other like objects, fighting over who does what, does what where? 

Let each other go. Be at peace, free each other. You'll be free to find someone much more compatible with you when the time comes later on.

[basil67]

@Warmer Are you going to give her a third chance?