Husband discovered my phone affair

[carrie2021c]

I am here looking for coping and general advice regarding this mess I am in. 

First let me give a little background information about my marriage so you can understand how I got into this situationship with my former boss. 

My husband travels CONSTANTLY, in fact he moved overseas against my wishes, I plead with him for years to stop businesses overseas and concentrate in our home and life, but he refused and because I loved him I accepted. Over the years I caught him speaking with several women online, never sharing private images or sexual content but, he did discuss our marriage with others and I felt betrayed. 4 years ago I started working for a public figure, he is a famous government representative in the ministry of international affairs and married, with an impecable public image (I can not reveal the country as this would make it more obvious). I somehow fell in love with him and 2 years after ending my job I got in touch with him and we started a series of texts and calls with heavy emotional and sexual content. 

Husband hacked my phone and found out. He even said ''I knew you had a crush on him'' and he has been threatening to make it public. He is very angry with the man but has not reached out to him. He is still overseas. Meanwhile, I have been distraught for 2 week and not finding the courage to tell my affair partner. He will be emotionally and mentally destroyed if he thinks my husband has had access to our conversations. Yes, I am also concerned about my husband's emotional state, and trying my best to discuss our relationship and make peace with him.

I feel like my husband is blackmailing me and its a horrible horrible feeling.

Plus, I do not know what actions affair partner would take to defend his position and reputation. I am affraid to discuss it. 

I do not know what to do so I have been trying to calm husband down, some days is easier than others, some days he repeats the threats ''it will be all over the media''. I have not slept well, I am frozen without action. 

I still am in love with this man but we have not consumated though we discussed heavily about it, and am scared about husband. 

Please advise. 

Edited April 5, 2021 by carrie2021c

[d0nnivain]

What do you want? 

Do you want a divorce?  Do you want the public figure?  That's never gonna happen.  

You need to tell your AP ASAP so his team can go about scrubbing the conversations or denying them or however else this stuff gets spun.   

If you want to keep your marriage, you have to agree to stop interacting with your AP.  That said, I don't think you have much of a marriage so maybe it's time for a fresh start on your part.  

[carrie2021c]

2 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

What do you want? 

Do you want a divorce?  Do you want the public figure?  That's never gonna happen.  

You need to tell your AP ASAP so his team can go about scrubbing the conversations or denying them or however else this stuff gets spun.   

If you want to keep your marriage, you have to agree to stop interacting with your AP.  That said, I don't think you have much of a marriage so maybe it's time for a fresh start on your part.  

I would have to make myself ready to end in order to reveal my husband's knowledge of it. I am not ready yet. It can go either way. It is tough. 

[ExpatInItaly]

Unfortunately, this is a risk you took having an affair - and an affair with a public figure. 

It might indeed become public, if your husband is angry enough. You need to warn your affair partner. Your relationship with him was unlikely to ever go anywhere, so you might as well bite the bullet and let him know that your husband found out and is threatening exposure. 

I would also do as d0nnivain suggested, and re-evaluate your marriage. It sounds like it's been over in all but name for a long time. 

Edited April 6, 2021 by ExpatInItaly

[Wiseman2]

You seem very lonely. Unfortunately it also seems like your marriage is a sham and your husband has multiple affairs.

Somehow it almost seems like getting "caught" was some sort of vindication.

You're not even having a physical affair. This former boss is sort of a substitute partner because your husband is checked out and doesn't even live with you.

Get a burner phone. Change all your passwords. That's how your husband does it.

Apparently you both wish to maintain this sham marriage, so why don't you both focus on more discreet affairs?

[d0nnivain]

10 hours ago, carrie2021c said:

I would have to make myself ready to end in order to reveal my husband's knowledge of it. I am not ready yet. It can go either way. It is tough. 

He's leaving you no matter what.  If you give the famous guy the chance to get ahead of it, that is the most loving thing you can do.  But keeping it a secret gives your husband too much power & will only prove to the famous guy that you are selfish because you could have given him the chance to down play it.  If you do that, maybe, just maybe, after the fall out he might come back.  If you let this crash around him without giving him the heads up he will hate you with a white hot fury.  I would.  

[carrie2021c]

On 4/6/2021 at 7:09 AM, Wiseman2 said:

You seem very lonely. Unfortunately it also seems like your marriage is a sham and your husband has multiple affairs.

Somehow it almost seems like getting "caught" was some sort of vindication.

You're not even having a physical affair. This former boss is sort of a substitute partner because your husband is checked out and doesn't even live with you.

Get a burner phone. Change all your passwords. That's how your husband does it.

Apparently you both wish to maintain this sham marriage, so why don't you both focus on more discreet affairs?

You understand me the most. Thank you so much, darling. 

[BaileyB]

On 4/5/2021 at 4:51 PM, carrie2021c said:

Please advise.

The time for advice was four years ago. Now, you are in a pickle with no real solution. 

I don’t know that either man is a particularly viable option at this point. You marriage sounds like a marriage of convenience, your husband sounds like a prince.  Seriously, he has multiple affairs and he is now threatening to reveal your actions to destroy your reputation and that of your affair partner. Nice guy. I would also venture to guess that your affair partner will be done when he learns that your husband knows the truth and is threatening his reputation. 

My best advice is to start thinking about what you want for your life, minus these two men. If you can find a way to divorce that is somehow amicable, that would be my first priority. 

[spiderowl]

Sorry to hear what has happened, Carrie, you must feel very anxious.

Your husband is blackmailing you, so no wonder you feel as if he is!

In a way, I am not surprised you have got into this situation.  Your husband clearly disregards your feelings about a lot of things, so in a way you were getting revenge and attention by having this emotional affair.

I suspect you know that your affair partner will do everything to maintain his reputation, including dropping you or (possibly) even maligning you to make him look the better party.  Is that what you are worried about?

It occurs to me also that you may be at risk.  If this guy is a politician and his reputation is on the line, is he likely to harm you or arrange for something to happen to you?  I don't know, but some people don't get to the top in politics without being prepared to 'hide' anything that might be embarrassing for them.

I am not sure whether you fear your husband and affair partners' anger, losing either of them, or for your personal safety.  Perhaps you could clarify?

Personally, I would leave your husband as he seems like an uncaring control freak; you should be entitled to a reasonable divorce settlement. As for the affair partner, will he continue to love you or retreat to his wife when this becomes public?  I would expect the latter, as that is what men often do.  They love their wives but 'play' away.  However, we don't know him and we don't know what relationship you have built with him.

I don't think you can hide this so you need to expect it to come out.  Why put up with your husband's blackmail a minute longer?  At some level, you knew you were playing with fire. You are not the only one though and maybe it is best it all comes out and you find a better way of living than with a husband who does not appear to love you.  

You need to put your personal safety first though, and maybe alert close friends and family who can support you and keep an eye out for you.  Surely it is best they hear it from you first so they can support you?

 

 

Edited April 16, 2021 by spiderowl

[Commongoal123]

People with high profile jobs and a popularity of high caliber, particularly in politics, tend to be Narcissistic individuals.

Unfortunately I think you got played by this guy, and you are probably one of many, many women.

Your husband is right to be angry.

Either way this is probably going to feel like a lose-lose situation at first, and eventually down the road you'll see it as a win-win

As for the other guy... his feelings won't hurt.  If anything he will be furious with you and take it out on you.