Dealing with jealousy

[mint1]

So it's been 4 months now since my breakup. Let me start off by saying that I made a lot of self-improvements and healthy healing for the past month now and I know I'm getting better. I know I'm happier than before, I know I'm healing. I know I've made a lot of improvements on my moving on progress. Except for one area. My feelings of envy, jealousy, and hate towards the close friends of my ex. For more context, we're in the same friend group. So these close friends of hers are also my friends. To my problem:

I'm jealous of that friend who is close to my ex. They're practically best friends now because I'm out of her life (I was my ex's best friend). I'm scared they will develop feelings for each other and start dating each other. I'm upset and sad that I've been replaced and I no longer matter to my ex --- or rather, I never mattered to her. I'm mad that she never treated that friend like s*** -- she only treated me like s***. Isn't it funny how she was always mean to me, but she never gave the same mean treatment to our friends? Shouldn't you be giving love to your partner and not shouting at them and venting your frustrations on them? I'm also sad and upset that she can "never afford to lose this friend" because that friend is all she has. Oh wow what about me? She was okay with leaving me and she lied about being scared to lose me then? I was never worth it to her then. She was never scared to lose me because I'm replaceable. Lastly, I feel sad and jealous that she's now sharing everything with him. And she never hated him. She only hated me. She always loved him more than me. She was always happy with him, but she was never happy with me. And so this of course, leads to my fear of them possibly dating.

My question is now: Should I talk to this friend and be honest about how I feel? Should I talk to him and be honest about my jealousy? I genuinely believe that this will help my moving on progress. And I really don't have a support system anymore. What am I supposed to do? I have no one to talk to. I know I'm going to explode if I don't express my thoughts. 

 

[Wiseman2]

Best way to stay sane after a breakup is to delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Distance yourself from these two in particular. Make new friends, date new women.

[mint1]

1 minute ago, Wiseman2 said:

Best way to stay sane after a breakup is to delete and block her and all her people from ALL your social media and messaging apps.

Distance yourself from these two in particular. Make new friends, date new women.

I deleted a lot of my social media already and I basically stopped stalking her already. I also left the server with my friends in it because I wanted to isolate myself. There were too many triggers.  

But I feel like I should talk to them. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can solve these feelings of envy by myself because I'm going to constantly be avoiding it and if I get triggered again, I'm going to lose it. I want to talk to him about how I feel.

[ExpatInItaly]

51 minutes ago, mint1 said:

  But I feel like I should talk to them. I don't know what to do. I don't think I can solve these feelings of envy by myself because I'm going to constantly be avoiding it and if I get triggered again, I'm going to lose it. I want to talk to him about how I feel.

And what is your desired outcome here? That he will stop being friends with her?

 

[d0nnivain]

You should not talk about this to any of these people.  Instead you should get a new friend group.  

[mint1]

19 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

And what is your desired outcome here? That he will stop being friends with her?

 

No not really. My goal wasn't for them to take sides. I just wanted to be honest with him about how I feel. And because he's my friend too, and honestly it's bad that I'm isolating myself from my friends. 

It's difficult to make new friends at the moment. They're all I have

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, mint1 said:

No not really. My goal wasn't for them to take sides. I just wanted to be honest with him about how I feel. And because he's my friend too, and honestly it's bad that I'm isolating myself from my friends. 

You can explain why you're distancing yourself from him, but I would leave it there. 

Their friendship, hard as it is to watch, is not your business. They are going to be friends with or without your endorsement. 

[Soak]

deleted
 

 

Edited April 9, 2021 by Soak

[glows]

Redirect your thoughts elsewhere. It'll be hard at first but changing your mindset and outlook takes time. Jealousy is based on have and have nots and the result of not having or not having enough. The relationship ended and that's the root problem. It's ended. Let go. It means that both of you despite your differences do have a right to move on and be happy. 

I don't recommend isolating yourself. Find new interests and friends. In the interim while that's rebuilding take a time out and give yourself a break from all this. Talk to a doctor if you have a habit with ruminations and any history of depression. Talking to these people won't do anything except create more tension and backlash, more of a spiral downwards for you. Avoid that and make better choices. 

I'm sorry your ex treated you so poorly also. You're a human being just like anyone else and she shouldn't have belittled you or shouted at you. If you need a space to unpack that check out therapy or counselling. There is absolutely no shame in trying that out.

 

[Gaeta]

On 4/6/2021 at 8:01 AM, mint1 said:

And because he's my friend too

Here is your mistake. He is NOT your friend. Block and delete. Make new friends. You don't need friends like him.