I don't want to lose my friends

[Erica_2]

Hi,

I have come here as I feel so upset and torn.

I have two guy friends who are a couple , we have been great friends and and I have known one since my uni days.

I have a boyfriend of 4 years, I am happy and he has never hurt me or caused me upset. My friends have taken a dislike to my partner, over various social occasions. They just never seem to gel, and I feel my friends judge him harshly for minor things. 
 

They think he doesn’t take responsibility for things he says sometimes, and various other things like at the end of a meal, me and my partner paid, one friend didn’t like this, and told me so later on. My friend says he loves me and he thinks he is coming from a place of good by telling me these things.

 

I see my two friends alone without my partner, even more so as they don’t like him. We also have two other friends, a couple whom are more a friend of a friend to me.

my two friends and them, often plan things and invite me. All couples so i feel awkward not inviting my partner. The thing is I won’t attend with my partner due to how my friends perceive him. 
 

I have tried to invite my partner and It never ends very well, there is always some issue they gripe at. 
 

the problem is, I have made excuses the last few times for these group/couple hang outs. Last night the two couples had a film night, my friend has asked me if I wanted to do something over the weekend but I made an excuse as my partner was with me at my house and I didn’t want them to mix or leave my partner out.

I have arranged to see my two friends next week, but I feel like this is the start of the two couples doing their own thing and me not being invited.

I don’t want to lose my friends or miss out on group events because two of them disliking my partner and having to make excuses for not going when he is with me.

 

I feel torn and would appreciate some advice.

 

Thank you 

Edited April 6, 2021 by Hannah90

[d0nnivain]

This has been going on for a long time.  

A good friend will make peace with your SO out of respect for you.  If they can't be friendly they can at least be tolerant & keep their mouths shut.  Because your "friends" continue to criticize & make trouble you need to re-evaluate how good of friends they are.  Their continued lack of acceptance is basically them kicking you in the teeth & criticizing your judgment. 

[Erica_2]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

This has been going on for a long time.  

A good friend will make peace with your SO out of respect for you.  If they can't be friendly they can at least be tolerant & keep their mouths shut.  Because your "friends" continue to criticize & make trouble you need to re-evaluate how good of friends they are.  Their continued lack of acceptance is basically them kicking you in the teeth & criticizing your judgment. 

Thank you for your response. 
 

You’re right, it has been going on for a long time. I haven’t been out with my friends and my partner together since last year. 
 

The next event we had, I attended alone and my friend said that if my bf would have showed up they would have been okay with it, and my two friends spoke about it before the event saying if my partner arrives to be okay with it. 
 

it really is a headache. I miss my friends a lot.

[d0nnivain]

Well if the friends are making the effort to be OK with the BF and you haven't hung out with everybody together since last year what's the present problem now?  get 'em all back together.  You & your BF have more time under your belts & he should now understand you picked him over the friends so he will be more secure.  Maybe it will be better now that time has passed.  

[Erica_2]

5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Well if the friends are making the effort to be OK with the BF and you haven't hung out with everybody together since last year what's the present problem now?  get 'em all back together.  You & your BF have more time under your belts & he should now understand you picked him over the friends so he will be more secure.  Maybe it will be better now that time has passed.  

I would do that as you say, however I don’t want to take that risk. 
 

my friend had a problem with my partner, they made up, then it moved on to my other friend having the issue.

I can’t trust that it won’t happen again. 

[d0nnivain]

Something is really off here.  The fact that you don't want to "risk" mixing your BF & your friends tells me you are embarrassed of one of them & that is the real problem.  If you won't put them together then you will lose the friendship because all relationships -- romances & friendships -- take nurturing. 

[FMW]

You need to talk to all of them about it (separately) and express exactly what you're expressing here.  Not everyone is always going to like each other, but unless someone is just being really out of line and offensive, they all should be able to spend time together on occasion. 

My guy's closest friends can sometimes be a challenge for me (I even posted here about it), but because I know how important they are to him and I know how supportive they've been of him I've adjusted my attitude and we usually socialize together a few times a month.  We've all accepted each other because of our mutual love for him.

  

[ShyViolet]

If they insist on "not liking" your boyfriend and refuse to accept him, despite the fact that you are happy with him and he treats you well, then they are being immature, rude and they are terrible friends.  You shouldn't dance around them and accommodate them when they are rejecting your boyfriend for no good reason and making everything awkward.  No one needs friends like that.

[glows]

What are the comments or some of the gripes they have about him? It's hard to offer any advice here not knowing what their issues are with your bf. Aside from the split-paying issue after the meal, what else do they have a problem with? 

[basil67]

These friend who are rude about your partner....do they also negatively gossip about or criticise other people who they know?  

[Erica_2]

4 hours ago, glows said:

What are the comments or some of the gripes they have about him? It's hard to offer any advice here not knowing what their issues are with your bf. Aside from the split-paying issue after the meal, what else do they have a problem with? 

It started from a New Year’s Eve party 2 years ago. My bf asked one of the two friends to play a song that I liked, someone at the party said “who put this on, it’s a bad song” my friend said “Josh (my bf) did” to which my bf said “no I never” I don’t y’know why he said this, maybe it was drink, I’m not sure.

my friend got annoyed at this, but they later made up and it was forgotten. A year or so later, we all go for a meal and one of my two friends ask my bf when I’m out the room “would you live in this certain town which is closer to Hannah” my bf apparently replied that this town was far but that we had not yet discussed it. I come back in the room, and my friend says “would you live here Hannah, Josh says it’s far” to which my bf replies “no I never”.

my friend later tells me that he felt embarrassed and “made a show of” when my bf denied that he said our town was far. He said my bf should have “owned his sh*t” rather than deny he said it. The split Bill thing, my friend said it made my bf look like a princess.

i feel immature writing these reasons for why my friends aren’t my bfs “biggest fan” as one of them put it, but from what my friends tell me, this is why. 

[glows]

My thoughts overall are that your friends are looking out for you (they try to have your best interests) but they also seem quite meddlesome and like to instigate/cause trouble. 

This can come across as controlling and a bit too domineering. They're trying to tell you how to behave and date which suggests that they may think you're not capable of handling yourself in relationships? Why is that? Or why would they behave like over-protective brothers?

If it's not one thing, it's something else. They're looking for another friend to include in their group but they're not respecting that it's you that is dating your boyfriend, not them. They do not need to be his "biggest fan" or even his fan for that matter and there IS such a thing as respect for another human being. 

What does your boyfriend say about those incidents in private to you? Does he remember any of it? Is the split bill scenario something you both agree upon on a regular basis or is it something you both do? 

[basil67]

So these tiny glitches caused your friends to dislike your boyfriend?   No, your boyfriend isn't perfect....but none of us are.   Your friends were being horrible. 

 

 

[NuevoYorko]

You are giving these friends way too much power.  Who cares if they don't like something Josh said?  Big deal.  It seems odd to me that people would actually "fight" and then "make up" because one of them denied that they asked for a song to be played?  How old are you?   This seems like teenager behavior.

In any case, stop trying to control how these people (are your 2 friends guys?) interact with each other.  It's not worth fretting over.  Let them all work it out.  

[Wiseman2]

20 hours ago, Hannah90 said:

i feel immature writing these reasons for why my friends aren’t my bfs “biggest fan” as one of them put it, but from what my friends tell me, this is why. 

Stop forcing them to socialize together. Have your own friends in addition to shared friends. Reconsider if these are really  friends or just agitators. When you sic these wolverine "friends" on your BF, it's amazing he stays.

Edited April 8, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Erica_2]

On 4/8/2021 at 5:57 AM, NuevoYorko said:

You are giving these friends way too much power.  Who cares if they don't like something Josh said?  Big deal.  It seems odd to me that people would actually "fight" and then "make up" because one of them denied that they asked for a song to be played?  How old are you?   This seems like teenager behavior.

In any case, stop trying to control how these people (are your 2 friends guys?) interact with each other.  It's not worth fretting over.  Let them all work it out.  

I know, I agree it is overly dramatic. I am 31, my two friends are 28 and 24 (the couple) 

 

me and boyfriend both agree that I am older and wiser than them. The two friends messaged to see if I wanted to do brunch where they could only get a table of 5. This is to exclude my boyfriend, and have them two, me and 2 other fiends attend only.

i am at a lost and exhausted by it now. 

[Erica_2]

On 4/6/2021 at 1:26 PM, d0nnivain said:

This has been going on for a long time.  

A good friend will make peace with your SO out of respect for you.  If they can't be friendly they can at least be tolerant & keep their mouths shut.  Because your "friends" continue to criticize & make trouble you need to re-evaluate how good of friends they are.  Their continued lack of acceptance is basically them kicking you in the teeth & criticizing your judgment. 

You’re right, they have never offered to make peace. My boyfriend said he is willing to make peace and invite them out for a meal to make amends (over this tiny issue)

they instead continue to cause trouble, by asking me this week for brunch where they could only get a table of 5. It’s a big place and I’m not sure I believe this. It is to exclude my boyfriend and to make sure only 5 people attend (me, the two of them and 2 other friends) this has had me torn all week and makes me feel sick how they are behaving.

[d0nnivain]

Drop the friends.  They are meddlesome busybodies who want to stir up trouble.   Do not empower them by having brunch with them without your BF.  If anything call the restaurant & ask to upgrade to a table for 6.  When they restaurant tells you that they can accommodate that request ask your "friend" why he LIED to you.  Don't bother attending the lunch 

[vla1120]

3 hours ago, Hannah90 said:

I know, I agree it is overly dramatic. I am 31, my two friends are 28 and 24 (the couple) 

me and boyfriend both agree that I am older and wiser than them. The two friends messaged to see if I wanted to do brunch where they could only get a table of 5. This is to exclude my boyfriend, and have them two, me and 2 other fiends attend only.

i am at a lost and exhausted by it now. 

 It is one thing to socialize with friends outside of your relationship, but it is rude of your friends to purposefully exclude your boyfriend from plans. You've been with him for four years. If they have not accepted him by now, they won't. Clearly this is causing you some heartache. If I were you, I would talk very openly to the two friends and ask them exactly what their issue is with your boyfriend and tell them, if he is someone very important to you, that they need to respect that and include him in plans they want to make with you. 

[Miss Peach]

I am going to be the dissenter here. What is your experience with your friends and other guys who were your BF? Is this a pattern with your friends or something specific to THIS boyfriend?

 

The reason I'm saying this is that in my last relationship all my more established friendships and my kid hated my BF. The only people who liked him were more acquaintance type of people who we socialized with together. They all saw different things but all those things turned out to be true when I took off the rose colored glasses. Most of those friends wanted to see me but not in his presence.

 

I don't know from this if it's your friends or your BF but wanted to give you another perspective to think about. Is it over more than these incidents. Are they picking up something else you're not?

[Stupidkupid]

19 hours ago, Miss Peach said:

I am going to be the dissenter here. What is your experience with your friends and other guys who were your BF? Is this a pattern with your friends or something specific to THIS boyfriend?

 

The reason I'm saying this is that in my last relationship all my more established friendships and my kid hated my BF. The only people who liked him were more acquaintance type of people who we socialized with together. They all saw different things but all those things turned out to be true when I took off the rose colored glasses. Most of those friends wanted to see me but not in his presence.

 

I don't know from this if it's your friends or your BF but wanted to give you another perspective to think about. Is it over more than these incidents. Are they picking up something else you're not?

Yeah... I think your partner is potentially coming across as a liar, to them. Although I don't like your friends behaviour much either

[Erica_2]

7 minutes ago, Stupidkupid said:

Yeah... I think your partner is potentially coming across as a liar, to them. Although I don't like your friends behaviour much either

Yeah, I can see how he has come across like this through the “no I never” comment. But, what do I do when I know he isn’t a liar and is genuine? They’ve met him about 4 times and I’ve known him for  4 years. My bf is the type of guy that will just say what he feels, he can’t lie to say his life! Haha. 
 

My fiends do need to stop making this a big deal over this though as it’s putting me in a v difficult situation and I will have a talk to them about it.

[Stupidkupid]

Just now, Hannah90 said:

Yeah, I can see how he has come across like this through the “no I never” comment. But, what do I do when I know he isn’t a liar and is genuine? They’ve met him about 4 times and I’ve known him for  4 years. My bf is the type of guy that will just say what he feels, he can’t lie to say his life! Haha. 
 

My fiends do need to stop making this a big deal over this though as it’s putting me in a v difficult situation and I will have a talk to them about it.

But he did lie. 2 or 3 times. They might be small and it might have been out of nervousness or embarrassment, but even so, he lied. And that is their whole experience of him.

Everyone lies at some point but that level of really blatant lying is odd and has potentially started them out of the wrong foot altogether.

Forgive me if I've missed this, but have you actually asked your friends what the issue is?

Further, why do your friends and your boyfriend need to socialise? Unless they are digging him out every time you see them, then I'd just keep the friendship and relationship separate. 

[d0nnivain]

6 minutes ago, Hannah90 said:

 But, what do I do when I know he isn’t a liar and is genuine? They’ve met him about 4 times and I’ve known him for  4 years.

Your friends may be judging out of context but the few times they have seen him he hasn't put his best foot forward. 

That said, @Miss Peach makes an excellent point.  When 1-2 of your friends / inner circle have a problem with your SO, it's probably a personality conflict.  When everybody around you has nothing nice to say about your SO, it's time to open up your eyes to see what they see & what you have been missing.  

I am not saying either your friends or your BF is blameless here but your friends are still pot stirrers.   They need to shut up & trust your judgment because that is what real friends do.