I'm so lost

[georgiapeach0831]

I've been with my partner altogether about 2 years now. We broke up for about 6 months and have been back together for 6 months. Of course everything was great at first but the last months have been hell. We overthink too much and one little thing will start an argument and then leads to a very bad fight and hurting each other every time. When we are good its the best feeling in the world and every one thinks we look so happy and I can feel how great we are.......We started our relationship back knowing that our communication had to be better. I have insecurities and some trust issues built up that I told him that would take me some time to work through, at the time he understood. Now he feels like I'm smothering him and starts to push away. He can be very manipulative, I've often seen signs of Narcissism but I'm not 100% sure. When we argue we both try to be healthy about it but it always turns really really bad. He also has issues with running from everything. When we fuss he always threatens to pack and leave, sometimes he does and comes back that night or the next day. When we do finally get over the argument and come back together its always the same pattern. He is very sorry, he should of handled things different, He's depressed and keeps so much inside about his child hood, says everyone always ends up hating him, he's not good for no one and wants to die. He will post about being depressed and how he thinks about not being good enough to be on earth. We also fuss about my kids. I've been divorced about 5 years now and while I was single it was very hard raising them alone. He says I need to make them mind more and have more responsibility and I agree. He thinks if he needs to improve then I need to work more on getting my kids in order. He tried to help me with them but they don't really like it because he can come off as pretty stern and mean and they see how he packs his stuff all the time when we argue.  He has kids but has not raised them. He only sees one of them twice a month. We just have a lot going on and it's starting to really get to me. I'm always tired and stressed over the fighting and arguing. We have agreed to go to therapy but it's hard to find anywhere in the town we live in and taking time off to do so is almost impossible.

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, georgiapeach0831 said:

 I've been divorced about 5 years now and while I was single it was very hard raising them alone. He tried to help me with them but they don't really like it because he can come off as pretty stern and mean and they see how he packs his stuff all the time when we argue.  

Sorry this is happening. Don't let him around your kids. How is your co-parenting relationship with their father? Focus on that.

You don't need joint therapy. He's moody, nasty and depressed, he needs to see a physician on his own.

Step way back from this. Don't try to Fix him or the relationship.

[Sun Seeker]

You made a mistake getting back together after breaking up. A successful relationship is one where there are no break ups.

Don't make another mistake by staying in this relationship. End things, the sooner the better.

[d0nnivain]

You both have a lot of issues.  Those need to be addressed individually & then in couples counseling.  

With telehealth your small town is no longer a barrier to finding good mental health services.  Now it's just an excuse.  

Your insecurities are your problem  His childhood is your problem.  While you may be curious, leave it alone already.  It's really none of your business.   If his childhood is screwing him up now, then he needs to address that with a professional not with his SO.  Stop being an armature psychologist.  Not everybody is a narcissist.  Do not throw around loaded medical terms like that causally.  

Him packing up & leaving or threatening to every time you fight is a problem.  It undermines the foundation of your relationship & shows he can't handle conflict.  It's emotional manipulation.  Next time he does this, leave him gone.  Seriously.  It's upsetting your kids. They don't need this drama from mommy's BF.  

 

15 hours ago, georgiapeach0831 said:

one little thing will start an argument and then leads to a very bad fight and hurting each other every time. 

You both need to learn to control your own tempers.  When your partner says something that sets you off, don't respond.  Take a very deep breath & count to 10. If you can't respond sweetly & calmly to whatever was said, take another deep breath & count to 10 again.  Repeat until the next words out of your mouth & your tone won't escalate the situation.   When you recognize your partner is in a bad mood & being snappy, you need to keep yourself in check & realize that the other person's issue isn't with you.  You are just there & are getting the brunt of it.  Yes that sucks & people need to not to that to each other but the way to make that stop is to not react fiercely or defensively to whatever was said. 

Since you agree with your partner that your kids need better boundaries & more discipline, what are you doing to implement those changes?  Forget your partner, do  this for your kids so they turn out to be responsible, independent, self-sufficient, well-adjusted adults.  

Edited April 7, 2021 by d0nnivain

[Gaeta]

Your first priorities are yourself and your children. A new partner should bring you support, understanding, help, kindness. He should inject humor and love in your life and I read none of that. Him being mean with your children will only dig a rift between you and your children and they will resent YOU for it later in life. 

You find yourself an online therapist and address your personal issues. Stay broken up, you and your children deserve better. 

[georgiapeach0831]

We do both have issues and both have appointments to see someone individually and together. Sorry for throwing around medical terms like that. I do know in his past relationships the same stuff happened and with his last divorce she had him seek help.  He was put on meds and diagnosed with anxiety, ptsd, and bipolar. He never followed through. When we split up he started back going only to stop again a month later. When we were split up we some what kept in touch. He tried to get back with me the first month and I was trying the no contact and told him we both had to get better we could not keep fighting the way we were. He gave up after a month and moved on to another woman and then would try to reach out to me saying he loved me still and missed what we had. After that first month I slipped into a depression missing him so much that I felt like I'd lost someone to a death. I also dated but could not stop missing him. Tried to reach out to him several times and he would push me away saying he was in love with her.  He said they were in a relationship and he was happy. I tried to leave him alone but would often reach out to check on him, I love him and still cared for him. He had strong thoughts of suicide when we split up so I would try to check in just to hear from him.  I love him with all me heart.  When we fuss I try to back off and stay quiet hoping that it will blow over but when I do that he gets in his head and the issue just seems to build up inside him so he starts doing petty things to hurt me or get me back. He will even block me on all social media and block my text if he gets real upset. My insecurities are over things that happened when we split up and when we first got back together. I know I've got to leave those alone and not focus on them, they are a thing of the past but I did talk to him about those hoping he would respect me and then he does things like block me or other little things that do not help with that. When we fuss he puts me down, yells at me, packs, tells me its over, talks about the kids and how they don't like him or care if he is there or not so he just wants to work, come home to me and thats it. Says he finds it hard to connect with them, he will try and then give up if they don't act or do how he thinks they should. He may talk to them and be in a good mood for a few days then the next few days he acts like they are not even in the same house.  Idk maybe my expectations are to high for him. He has finally kept the same job now for almost a year so that helps and I can see where he is or has tried to do better but always starts slipping back to where it all goes wrong. I try to talk and be polite and think about it before I say things then after I do I even explain myself. We are going to both get help. I just don't want us to cause each other even more damage or hurt especially if he is suicidal. He lost a friend 6 months ago right after we got back together and he still hurts everyday about that. Says he still struggles with it daily. He had not seen the friend but once in 9 years but has become close to the widowed wife and says his feelings and emotions have still been dealing with that.  I want us to get better for the kids, for each other and not have this stress over us everyday. We both are scared to even talk too much because we don't want to say the wrong things to start a fight or hurt each other. Thanks everyone for letting me vent.

[ShyViolet]

This pattern is just going to continue and continue.  You need to end this relationship once and for all.  It's irresponsible to stay in a toxic, drama-filled relationship when it's affecting not only your own well-being, but also your kids and causing turmoil in their lives.  You need to put an end to this, and work on your own issues, and focus on being a parent.  This relationship is not going to work out.

[d0nnivain]

Your expectations are not too high.  Your self esteem is too low. 

I dated a bi-polar guy for a while.  One of the conditions of us staying together was that he had to stay in therapy & on his meds.   The story does not have a happy ending.  We broke up when I found out he lied to me.  He moved out of state.  He started dating another woman & moved in with her very quickly.  He was in a manic phase at the beginning of their relationship & off his meds.  When he swung back to the depression side, he killed himself on night in a morose drunk.  

I actually had no guilt about that because we were no longer together when he made his tragic & heartbreaking choice.  I didn't prevent him from taking his meds.  He did that all on his own. 

For your kids' sake you need to get off this roller coaster.  

[Wiseman2]

4 hours ago, georgiapeach0831 said:

He was put on meds and diagnosed with anxiety, ptsd, and bipolar.

Please don't do this to your kids and yourself. Interact with their father and your friends, family, etc. and any support you have. You need to run from this man.

[georgiapeach0831]

This sounds like what I'm dealing with. He says the meds makes him different but I know he uses that in a way to also talk down on having to do it. He usually don't give the time to really start working correctly. I have noticed and he has admitted that he uses his past now to get his way with others. He has these same manic behaviors that you are talking about. When he is in a good mood I couldn't be any happier, he is my best friend and everything makes sense and people notice how happy we are.....then it all changes. We can fuss and then he acts like a different person. The fight to me will not even be that bad but he will hold a grudge and or be petty some how leaving me to then pull away and eventually act the same. I've never been the jealous type or petty but I feel myself becoming that person. He will admit he has mental health issues, he usually always admits its all him, that he is a hard person to deal with. Tells me everyone ends up hating him, he is not a good farther, that he will eventually push me away and is no good for me. I do love him so it makes everything so hard, I want to support him in getting better. I want to work on my issues also for myself and the kids. They do not dislike like him but have found it hard to get real close to him. He knows my kids come first and I think he even gets jealous at times, another issue. I already know where this is going its just hard. Not being alone, just walking away from someone you love knowing he could possibly harm himself or going through the depression of the detachment from my own low self esteem and insecurities.

[Wiseman2]

How often do the children see their father? Do not risk having your kids taken away for this guy.

[georgiapeach0831]

I have 4 kids, ages 20, 17, 13, and 10.  The two oldest have not really had a relationship with their dad ever since the divorce 6 years ago. The two younger ones were court ordered after a year of supervised visitation. I was married 16 years to the man I had my 4 kids with, very hands on farther and great provider but also came from a very unhealthy child hood and has been diagnosed with bipolar and has deep issues. He has very bad anger issues and would snap really easy over stuff he would let build up( anger from hidden issues he kept to himself) that I put up with way too long and it eventually started affecting our kids. We hardly ever fussed and would get along well but when we did it was BAD because it was when I would least expect it and the last few times the law was called and I made him leave for good(we had never split up before). So yeah he works for a pretty well known man in our small town and had awesome lawyers to say the least. I do trust him now with the kids and they are okay seeing him but would much rather be home on his weekends. Their relationship is not the best it could be, he spends what time he has court ordered and pays his child support.

[mark clemson]

Part of this is coping strategies. E.g. his are not good, the packing up etc then coming back. Not sure if he's genuinely conflicted or this is a way to "get your attention" but either way it's messed up after more than once or twice tops. (Zero is preferable.)

I do think you'll need to continue to work on all this (not just the leaving stuff) via couple's therapy for there to much hope of success. It sounds like you're considering the idea that it might not be worth all the work you're putting into it, which is certainly one possibility.

[spiderowl]

You love him with all your heart but he is moody, irritable, erratic, manipulative, and childish.  You are loving the wrong guy!

You know what you really need is to split up from him - for your sake and for your children's sake - but you are dependent on his company so that you do not feel lonely and for the few good times.

At the same time, you know this is not going to get better.  It is always going to be fighting and arguing.  Meanwhile, your children will suffer and you will find yourself years down the line in the same situation with the same problems.

Although you miss him, you need to let months pass after splitting up, not one month.  Mourning a lost relationship usually takes longer than a month.  You got as far as the hard bit and then got back with him.  You would be best to split up, stay away from him, cut off contact, and give yourself time to heal from this.  Then you will be in a position to find someone more stable and someone who is capable of caring for you and your family.

Edited April 16, 2021 by spiderowl