Leaving a toxic relationship for someone else?

[LostOpportunity13]

I’ve been with my partner since I was 17. Nearly 9 years and we have a child. Our relationship has always been really toxic. We’ve had more bad times then good, sadly. We have built a life together but we are not truly in love. We’ve not slept together for 2.5 years, he’s never given me what I wanted and I’ve communicated it all with him. So I don’t know what to do.

I met a good friend a couple years ago and we have developed a serious connection. I am ready to leave my current and be single. But I do want to explore this love interest. Have you been in a similar experience? How did it work?

Edited April 6, 2021 by LostOpportunity13

[basil67]

I haven't been in this situation, but my sister has.   She left with the knowledge that things with the new guy may not work out, but if it got her away from her abusive husband, it was worth trying.  As it turned out, she married the new guy and they've just celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary

[LostOpportunity13]

22 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I haven't been in this situation, but my sister has.   She left with the knowledge that things with the new guy may not work out, but if it got her away from her abusive husband, it was worth trying.  As it turned out, she married the new guy and they've just celebrated their 16th wedding anniversary

That’s great for her. I’m happy she found love ❤️

[basil67]

I'd say that you should do what you need to do.  But just make sure to stay grounded and have a secret plan B for if it doesn't work out with the new guy.

[dramafreezone]

1 hour ago, LostOpportunity13 said:

I’ve been with my partner since I was 17. Nearly 9 years and we have a child. Our relationship has always been really toxic. We’ve had more bad times then good, sadly. We have built a life together but we are not truly in love. We’ve not slept together for 2.5 years, he’s never given me what I wanted and I’ve communicated it all with him. So I don’t know what to do.

I met a good friend a couple years ago and we have developed a serious connection. I am ready to leave my current and be single. But I do want to explore this love interest. Have you been in a similar experience? How did it work?

If you don't know what to do, the next thing you should do is begin therapy.  You don't currently possess the skills to cultivate a healthy relationship.

Edited April 7, 2021 by dramafreezone

[LostOpportunity13]

1 hour ago, dramafreezone said:

If you don't know what to do, the next thing you should do is begin therapy.  You don't currently possess the skills to cultivate a healthy relationship.

What I mean from “I don’t know what to do” is, I’ve made it clear to my “partner” what I need and what I need to work on. And he doesn’t seem to care - so now I need to leave. I have worked on purely myself and mental health these past two years so I feel level - headed. I don’t want to rush into a relationship but explore this friendship. Being a parent comes first. Thank you for replying. 

[LostOpportunity13]

2 hours ago, basil67 said:

I'd say that you should do what you need to do.  But just make sure to stay grounded and have a secret plan B for if it doesn't work out with the new guy.

Ofcourse, it’s not priority as he lives in a different state. So it’s not an obligation. 

[ShyViolet]

If you're getting out of a toxic relationship that you've been in for years, it seems like a terrible idea to jump right into another one.  Just focus on getting out of the toxic relationship and being single for a while, and getting some stability.

[d0nnivain]

Monkeybranching is not a good idea, especially in your situation.  

You want to leave a toxic relationship, that's great!  But leave to stand on your own two feet.   Forget about this new guy.  You are not emotionally prepared to move into a new relationship.  You have never done the reflection that is required.  You have not processed at the reasons this relationship didn't work out.  You have no idea how to date as an adult because you were a child last the time to dated.   All of those concerns doom this new thing if you go straight into it.  You will simply be trading one toxic relationship for the next. 

You need a plan to live independently & support your child.  You need a plan to co-parent your child with this toxic EX.  Since he's your child's father you don't get the luxury of no contact.  You have to deal with him for the rest of your life.  Making that harder by throwing your new guy in his face . . .just adds to the drama in your life.  It also teaches your daughter to be co-dependent instead of strong & independent.  Is that what you want? 

[Gaeta]

Do not move in with someone else. Like d0nnivain said set up your own place, organize everything with your ex concerning visits, schools, etc. Do you work?

If you want to date a new man than do it, you will learn what you have to learn by dating, not by jumping in another relationship. Most often we need a few failed dating experience before we start understanding ourselves. 

[lana-banana]

My husband and I left our long-term partners for each other. My situation was much simpler because I didn't live with my boyfriend, and my relationship was just not working out (vs his, which was sincerely dysfunctional). He had to go through the messy part of splitting up a condo, etc. It was complicated for a bit but life is way too short to be unhappy. Relationships don't always follow neat timelines. The important thing is to be empathetic and graceful.

[LostOpportunity13]

3 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Monkeybranching is not a good idea, especially in your situation.  

You want to leave a toxic relationship, that's great!  But leave to stand on your own two feet.   Forget about this new guy.  You are not emotionally prepared to move into a new relationship.  You have never done the reflection that is required.  You have not processed at the reasons this relationship didn't work out.  You have no idea how to date as an adult because you were a child last the time to dated.   All of those concerns doom this new thing if you go straight into it.  You will simply be trading one toxic relationship for the next. 

You need a plan to live independently & support your child.  You need a plan to co-parent your child with this toxic EX.  Since he's your child's father you don't get the luxury of no contact.  You have to deal with him for the rest of your life.  Making that harder by throwing your new guy in his face . . .just adds to the drama in your life.  It also teaches your daughter to be co-dependent instead of strong & independent.  Is that what you want? 

I’ve been living part time at my parents again and trying to find a routine. I just want to clear up, I am not jumping into another relationship. He lives in a different state, so I will keep focus on my son and I, regardless. I’ve known what’s been wrong in my current relationship for years, I’ve gone to therapy and such. Thank you for replying ♥️♥️

Edited April 7, 2021 by LostOpportunity13

[LostOpportunity13]

46 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Do not move in with someone else. Like d0nnivain said set up your own place, organize everything with your ex concerning visits, schools, etc. Do you work?

If you want to date a new man than do it, you will learn what you have to learn by dating, not by jumping in another relationship. Most often we need a few failed dating experience before we start understanding ourselves. 

Yes, I own a business. I would never move in with another man after leaving my sons dad! We’re living with my parents part-time until we finalize a separation. I know better then to do anything like that. I just wanted to see where our friendship goes, he lives in another state so no biggie. Besides that, I don’t have interest in dating any man. I know I have more healing to do but dealing with this for a few years, I’ve done as much healing possible. I’ve literally been alone - my ex and I are roommates. It’s not healthy for my son to see two adults so distant. Thanks for replying ♥️

Edited April 7, 2021 by LostOpportunity13

[LostOpportunity13]

28 minutes ago, lana-banana said:

My husband and I left our long-term partners for each other. My situation was much simpler because I didn't live with my boyfriend, and my relationship was just not working out (vs his, which was sincerely dysfunctional). He had to go through the messy part of splitting up a condo, etc. It was complicated for a bit but life is way too short to be unhappy. Relationships don't always follow neat timelines. The important thing is to be empathetic and graceful.

Thank you ♥️ People who know me personally say the same. I wouldn’t date man to man and bring them around my son. I do feel like this situation is different, although, I do need to continue to heal.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, LostOpportunity13 said:

Yes, I own a business. I would never move in with another man after leaving my sons dad! We’re living with my parents part-time until we finalize a separation.

Excellent. Stay with your folks until you sort things out. It's fine to talk to someone for company. Good you left and are doing the best for yourself and your son.

[d0nnivain]

Getting out of the relationship that isn't working is a wonderful plan.  As long as you take your time & explore other options, moving slowly into the next relationship down the line that should be fine. 

I mis-understood your Q.  I honestly thought you were saying can I dump my baby-daddy to change states & immediately move in with the new guy, who I have kind of known as a long distance friend but never dated conventionally,  so he can support me?   I think you would agree that scenario is a recipe for disaster.  

[dramafreezone]

16 hours ago, LostOpportunity13 said:

What I mean from “I don’t know what to do” is, I’ve made it clear to my “partner” what I need and what I need to work on. And he doesn’t seem to care - so now I need to leave. I have worked on purely myself and mental health these past two years so I feel level - headed. I don’t want to rush into a relationship but explore this friendship. Being a parent comes first. Thank you for replying. 

Well, it sounds like you know what you have to do, so what was the question again?

[S2B]

Don’t you find it ironic that you haven’t been satisfied since the time you began participating with the OM? 
 

you place your energy/interest in someone else - what would you expect? 
 

you’ve basically been having an notional affair...and short changing the partner you’ve spent 9 years with.

yes leave the 9 year relationship. You aren’t “invested” in it anyway. 
but do long term counseling to learn how to be happy on your own - without a guy by your side. It’s healthier for you that way.