I didn't mean to take advantage of her.

[Johnny2x4]

        I was at an extremely low point in my life during all this. I had gotten dumped out of an extremely abusive relationship. On top of that my cousin committed suicide right after me getting dumped. All while having to deal with graduating college and stress of figuring out what I wanted to do with the rest of my life. There was this other girl I had known since the second grade. We grew up together and to be honest I always had a crush on her, but I didn't think she always liked me like that. We've hung out before We still talked a lot on the phone despite how many times she has called me creepy and weird in the past. However she thinks I am a "hilarious" guy she always liked laughing at my jokes, even when we were in University talking. We would talk every now and then during my years at University, however We started having really good conversations during my last year of university. Sometimes we would get flirty with me over the facetime calls we had during it. we had like two hour long facetime calls all the time during this year.

Well during all the stuff I described in the beginning I called her up and just broke down crying to her. I had no one to talk to, not very close to any of my parents since my father passed away a few years ago even then my dad was just a big depressed alcoholic since ever since I was a kid. I was telling her how bad I wanted to get away from my home town for the weekend. She was up in the city about 4 hours away from my mother's house. She was in college taking summer classes during the time still. Long story short she told me she was ok with me coming up to see her. I was happy and she told me I could sleep in her bed with her to house me. I thought it was kind of out of character for her because she was usually a very strict person. I triple checked with her to make sure if it was ok with her and she said yes. Well the next day she called me back and changed her mind saying I cant sleep in her bed with her. She gave me an excuse saying she barely knows me and it would be weird. I did not argue with her, because it was a real awkward situation for the both of us when she changed her mind. If she was uncomfortable with it, I was not going to make her do it. The problem is however once you book the bus tickets, you can't get a refund unfortunately. She told me she would pay for an Airbnb for me to stay instead. I had never used Airbnb at the time so it was all new to me.

Long story short, she didn't pay for all of the Airbnb for me and I kind of got mad at her and asked for more money. I am going to be honest too I ran out of money, so that Is why I was asking her about it in the first place. It was also a small amount of money too, like 20 dollars so I was being really petty about the situation. The thing is during my time in grade school I used to get bullied a lot and would never stick up for myself. At my old high school I had like 40+ bullies, ever since those days I have a hard time sticking up for myself. So I am saying sometimes I guess I do not know when it is appropriate to let things slide or not. I realized what I was doing and tried to give her the money back, but she just told me to take it. When I tried to talk to her again and thank again for covering the trip. I told her next time it would be on me, or I would like to turn the favor in some way. She said no thank you and I haven't talked to her since. I am just kind of extremely scared to reach back out again. I didn't mean to take advantage of her like that I was having extremely bad anxiety.

Also too, I do not know if she liked me back or not. One minute she says she has "standards" for guys. The next minute she is all into my online dating profiles asking who I am talking too and what not. Honestly I would rather meet someone in person than online I try to tell her because I get a better spark or interest than on those stupid apps. I was just on them, because I guess they are convenient. She told me she would rather meet someone new online than in person too. Anyway someone tell me, maybe she felt me all these years or she as just trying to be nice back to me. I have no idea when to make a move so I just don't try. A mutual friend of ours said we should date, because she kept going up to me. That was during high school, but I wasn't sure if she liked me back or not.

[assertives]

You could use that $20 she paid for you as an excuse to ask her out for coffee date and pay for that date. If she says no, then leave it. If she says yes, go on that date and see how things go from there. 

Edited April 7, 2021 by assertives

[d0nnivain]

I'm sorry about your dad & cousin.  

However all the rest of this is too much drama.  Honestly she was foolish to tell you that you could come sleep in her bed with her.  But then when she took that offer back she was wrong  / mean to offer to get you an Airbnb but then not pay for it after you were already committed to traveling to her.  Why couldn't you have slept on her couch or even the floor if it was a studio apartment?  

None of this had anything to do with you being bullied in your past.  

Congratulations on graduating from college.  Your 1st priority now has to be finding a job.  My heart breaks for all of your generation starting out in this pandemic amid lockdowns.  Do what you gotta do to get an income.  You need to be sending out 20+ resumes per day, going to virtual job fairs, & working with the placement department at your college weekly. Meanwhile do something / anything to earn money.  Going forward you need a plan to not be financially dependent on anybody.  

[ExpatInItaly]

I would leave this girl in your past. 

Too much drama, and she's very inconsistent. You won't be able to build anything with someone like her.