Is this marriage/man salvageable? No sex and multiple affairs

[LoveIsBlind]

I have been with my husband for 15 years and have have been married for 9 years. We met each other when we were in Uni and I gave him my virginity. The first few years my husband (boyfriend at the time) had lots of sex drive so we were having regular sex. Although it was a lot of pain for me, which did improve over time, I went through with it each time. However, somehow since we started working, he has stopped asking for sex. Not only that, he has started being impatient with me and taking me for granted for everything. His attitude to me gets worse over time. At first, I thought it was the stress of finding job and subsequently I thought it could be his tiredness from work, further studies etc. Since sex to me is not the most important part of a relationship i was happy to be patient with him and let him do it in his own time. 

We got married 9 years ago (!!),  but sine then he still doesnt get intimate with me. When i put my body on him he usually pushes me away and I have been too ashamed to ask him why. In most cases when we kiss i was the one who requests it but it always feels to me like he is doing it as a job rather than out of passion. Then few days ago, I found out that he is currently having a  full on affair with another women. Over the past year, they having been meeting regularly and have even spent trips together by telling me lies after lies. Not only that, i found out it wasn't his first affair. When we were having our wedding, there was another girl he was having an affair with at the time too. I also found that he went out for prostitution at least once during our marriage........

Once i found out the current affair, he said that he was with other women out of curiosity. He said I am the right person for him with my high calibre (highly educated professional and financially dependent) hence why he continued to marry me even though he did not have sex drive with me anymore, saying that the fact that sex was painful to me when we tried it in the past might have caused his loss of sex drive with me hence why he was sleeping around outside. He said that he never spoke about this with me which was his fault and asked me to give him a chance to see a therapy together and try to have sex again to fix this 'problem' in our marriage once and for all, since we have been together for 15 years after all...

Is he giving me bullshit?? If he truely loves me, would he not have the sex drive with me naturally and wants to get intimate? Also, he had the whole decade in our marriage to try with me if he respect me and our marriage. Instead he seeks to have affair after affair. From my perspective, i only thought he might be having difficulty with sex so i was giving him the space and time to try with me but clearly he has no problem with sex but just not with me!! From his perspective i guess since he has found the 'solution' elsewhere (with other women) he has less reason to put effort in to try to find the root problem for his loss of sex drive with me. Does he even love me or am i just a comfortable living partner to him because we have been together and growing together for a long time? Should i waste my time to go to therapy with him or is this man/marriage not salvageable? I clear do not have another 15 years to waste on the same man. Shall i just divorce him and give myself a chance to try love?

 

[ExpatInItaly]

5 hours ago, Lovelyjubbly888 said:

Does he even love me or am i just a comfortable living partner to him because we have been together and growing together for a long time?

It's this. 

I personally would not waste time and money on therapy with him. He does not have even basic respect for you and clearly did not marry you for honorable reasons. Therapy isn't going to change that. 

Please do book yourself an STI/HIV test, though. God knows what he has been exposed to with all these assorted women. And book an appointment with an attorney to discuss your options for dissolving this marriage. I really can't see one good reason to stay. 

[BaileyB]

11 hours ago, Lovelyjubbly888 said:

Should i waste my time to go to therapy with him or is this man/marriage not salvageable?

I’m sorry, I know that you have invested a lot of time into this marriage and for that reason among others, it’s hard to let go...
But, this is done. No marriage counselling could help the fact that he hasn’t wanted to have sex with you for years, he has been engaged in a long term affair, and he has lied to you about everything. 
Save your money for the divorce lawyer. You will get a better return on your investment. 

[ShyViolet]

Why on earth would you even want to salvage this marriage?  What is there even to salvage?  I don't see any redeeming qualities to this marriage.  Cut your losses and get a divorce as quickly as you can.

[vla1120]

On 4/6/2021 at 9:34 PM, Lovelyjubbly888 said:

Should i waste my time to go to therapy with him or is this man/marriage not salvageable?

No way. Kick him to the curb. What I WOULD do if I were you is go to a doctor and find a solution for the pain you have during sex. Once you get that issue resolved, then you can spend some time finding someone who will appreciate you, love you and respect you. Don't waste another moment of your life on this man. I'm sorry you find yourself in this situation. You deserve better.