Strange breakup. Having a hard time accepting.

[DCG17]

Hi everyone,

This may get a little long as it's been a strange series of events and I'm still kind of all over the place so my apologies. My gf of 3 years, who I live with, broke up with me about a week ago and I'm pretty devastated. She brought it up by saying we are going to go on a little break and she needs some space but then accused me of something ridiculous, which I'll touch on later.

2 weeks prior to this, we had gone on a trip away with some of my friends and their girlfriends. She had a great time she said but on the way home from the trip she asked me if we were going to talk about what had happened last night. I asked what happened and that nothing happened. She said how me and my friends were talking about how we are swingers and wanted her to join and I offered her up to my friends. Not one of these things happened and I was so confused. I thought maybe she drank too much and made this up in her head or something but I would never do anything like this and she would have known that by now. She let it go and we didn't talk about it again for a week or so until the breakup day.

Fast forward 2 weeks to The day of the breakup we went for a walk around the lake, holding hands and chatting about our future and possibly buying a place together soon, and kissing etc. Everything good. When we got home she had to deal with some work stuff that she has been stressed out about. She has had ongoing work stress for the past while and then now lately she seems to think people at work know private info about her. I walked in to the bedroom at one point while she was working on stuff and I saw her like whisper yelling and pointing at the wall and I asked what are you doing? She said oh nothing I'll be right back I need to drop this off at work. So I said ok I'll see you in a bit, wondering what I had just seen.

Half an hour goes by and she comes home and is acting strange. I ask what's up? And she says we need to go on a break. I say why? She says I think that you gave the people at my work info about me. I say "why would i do that? I love you". She said maybe I took a payment for it and thats how I got my new car (bought a car this same week). I told her how ridiculous this is and she just believes it to be true and then mentions how I also tried to pass her along to all my friends on our trip. I am in shock at this point and terrified of what's happening. She tells me I need to move out and we're done.

Over the next day few days I try to see what is going on and it just gets worse. She has all of a sudden "found God and he has shown her the light" and she believes that I'm satanic and a part of some organization to bring her down to hell. I can't believe any of this has happened and it seems like she's slowly slipped into psychosis somehow, maybe stress induced from all the work stress and our relationship.

Our relationship has had ups and downs and she's tried to warn me before that she didn't feel important to me as I would always want to go out with friends or didn't show enough affection. She's opened my eyes to the fact that I probably at one point had a porn addiction which killed my sex drive and killed our intimacy and passion. I believe i have fixed these issues and things seemed better as of late but now this potential (not diagnosed yet and my opinion) psychotic episode.

The last few days there hasn't been much talk of these delusions but she still is obsessing over religion all of a sudden and even has the 10 commandments on the wall now. She tells me we need a 6 month break and can talk after that but for now the relationship is over. I said 6 months doesn't seem like a fair number and we should be working through these issues together but she says no she needs to get help for herself for previous life traumas that she ignored and that now is the time and I have to move out and maybe in 6 months we can talk.

I understand she probably needs therapy to solve some things before there's any potential of fixing anything here. I just think we should be working through this together but I guess that's me being selfish. My worry is that that much time apart without talking will just lead her further away and there will be no fixing things. Part of me wants to believe that if she gets help and therapy then maybe it won't take that long but then the other part of me worries I'll never see her or hear from her again. This whole thing is a mess and I don't know what to do.

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

I think you are right to be concerned about her mental health. She sounds like she's losing touch with reality, with some of these paranoid-tinged beliefs she's expressing (about conversations that didn't happen, and you selling her info to workmatrs)  Have you ever seen signs of this before? 

A dear friend of mine went through something similar a few years back. She suddenly believed people at work were essentially spying on her, trying to hack her phone, and even break into her apartment (absolutley none of this was true) She started accusing people around her of colluding with these workmates, and various other bizarre ideas. It alerted us that she was not well, and it culminated in an episode that could be termed a breakdown by us non-medical folks. It was sad and very concerning to watch. Her boyfriend at the time was the one who notified her family that she needed help, he was so worried. She wound up taking several months off on medical leave, being evaluated, seeking treatment, and so on. Her relationship wound up a casualty of all of this, as she simply was not well enough to maintain a relationship and look after her own mental health.

Like you, her boyfriend wanted to be there to help her but in the end, she couldn't manage it. Your girlfriend may or may not have more serious underlying health issues, but it's well within her rights to choose to end a relationship if that's what she feels is best for her. I would also not agree to a break. Much as you would like, you cannot be there for her if she doesn't want that. 

 

 

[d0nnivain]

Talk therapy is not going to help this.  She needs a brain MRI & a visit to a neuro-psychiatrist for a full mental health assessment.  Honestly my 1st thought was she's developed a brain tumor 

[CommanderCody799]

Go no contact. Live your life. Move on. 

[trident_2020]

9 hours ago, DCG17 said:

 I said 6 months doesn't seem like a fair number

There's nothing fair about relationships or life in general for that matter.

For whatever reasons she's dumped you. Forget about negotiating. Go live your life.

The less contact with her the better for you and the faster you will heal.

Sounds like she's doing you a favor anyway. You don't want to come home to weird drawings of pentagons on the floor sacrificed animal carcasses on the dining room table, do you?

[DCG17]

1 hour ago, trident_2020 said:

Sounds like she's doing you a favor anyway. You don't want to come home to weird drawings of pentagons on the floor sacrificed animal carcasses on the dining room table, do you?

Lol definitely not but I just feel that she's not herself right now and not in a good head space. Obviously if this were the new her and something permanent then no I don't want to be with her anymore either and it would be a favor, but I don't believe this to be true. If she can get back to a good place mentally then yes I definitely want to be with her. I have never known her to be like this in our 3 years of dating. Our relationship issues were small and fixable and things had begun to be better as of late, before this. I know I have to move on for now but can't help but think that if she gets some help then maybe she'll have a change of heart and want to work on things again.

 

[DCG17]

6 hours ago, d0nnivain said:

Talk therapy is not going to help this.  She needs a brain MRI & a visit to a neuro-psychiatrist for a full mental health assessment.  Honestly my 1st thought was she's developed a brain tumor 

Yeah she said she needs therapy and counseling which is good that she realizes something isn't right here, but I worry she isn't going to get the right type of help. I think she may need some meds. It would be super easy for her to avoid talking about these delusions to a psychiatrist or psychologist and lie to them and herself. 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, DCG17 said:

Yeah she said she needs therapy and counseling which is good that she realizes something isn't right here, but I worry she isn't going to get the right type of help. I think she may need some meds. It would be super easy for her to avoid talking about these delusions to a psychiatrist or psychologist and lie to them and herself. 

Again she doesn't need talk therapy until she gets a brain MRI.  The sudden & drastic nature of these delusions is not just your average depression / anxiety. 

Since she has broken up with you, all you can do is say a prayer & move along.  If you are that concerned, perhaps reach out to her parents or BFF to inform them of your observations. 

[DCG17]

9 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said:

I think you are right to be concerned about her mental health. She sounds like she's losing touch with reality, with some of these paranoid-tinged beliefs she's expressing (about conversations that didn't happen, and you selling her info to workmatrs)  Have you ever seen signs of this before? 

 

 

 

There were a few other signs looking back. One time at another party like a year ago, the day after she said she walked into a room at the party and i was in there explaining to my friend how I was only dating my girlfriend for her place and money and stuff. This also never happened at all. We didn't talk about it much more after that back then and there wasn't many events or not frequent enough for me to think anything was wrong.

[DCG17]

3 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Again she doesn't need talk therapy until she gets a brain MRI.  The sudden & drastic nature of these delusions is not just your average depression / anxiety. 

Since she has broken up with you, all you can do is say a prayer & move along.  If you are that concerned, perhaps reach out to her parents or BFF to inform them of your observations. 

Yeah I've had a meeting with her dad and showed him the crazy texts and emails and explained to him everything else that's gone on in the past 2 weeks. She's able to have conversations and act normal so again I worry she won't get the right help. Her dad is also of the opinion that she needs therapy. I agree with you that this is something more serious and she needs an mri and possibly meds. So I just worry she isn't going to get the right help. But I guess if I'm being shut out of her life now all of a sudden then I've done all I can do, at least I've shared the info with him. He may just take her side here but I'll have to stop letting this bother me as it's out of my control.

[Wiseman2]

11 hours ago, DCG17 said:

She has all of a sudden "found God and he has shown her the light" and she believes that I'm satanic and a part of some organization to bring her down to hell. I can't believe any of this has happened and it seems like she's slowly slipped into psychosis somehow

Sorry this is happening. Have you moved out? How old is she? Does she have a prior history of mental illness? 

It could be anything from schizophrenia to a manic episode to drugs, etc.  Does she have reliable friends or family? She needs to go to an ER. She will be evaluated medically Imaging, blood tests etc.) and by a psychiatrist.

Acute psychosis is a medical emergency. Particularly after travelling. Stop trying to talk her down, talk sense or relate this to porn, stress, etc. Contact her family or if you are still living there call 911.

[DCG17]

3 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

Sorry this is happening. Have you moved out? How old is she? Does she have a prior history of mental illness? 

It could be anything from schizophrenia to a manic episode to drugs, etc.  Does she have reliable friends or family? She needs to go to an ER. She will be evaluated medically Imaging, blood tests etc.) and by a psychiatrist.

Acute psychosis is a medical emergency. Particularly after travelling. Stop trying to talk her down, talk sense or relate this to porn, stress, etc. Contact her family or if you are still living there call 911.

I haven't moved out yet, she's given me some time to figure out where to go so I'm looking right now.

She's 38 and no history of mental illness but she has shared with me during this time that she has had many life traumas that she never got help for. She grew up in an orphanage and has bad memories from that, after she got adopted her mom died and it broke her. Her dad and her had a falling out for awhile which also made her feel unloved. She tried to always feel better by getting into relationships but ended up in abusive relationships. She mentioned she has suppressed her hurt and feelings for all these years and she thinks it's taken a toll on her and it's finally all coming out. 

This doesn't explain the potential psychosis all of a sudden though. The trip we went on which maybe was the start of this whole thing, she took some MDMA for like the second time in her life as she doesn't use drugs. I also worried that may have triggered something.

[d0nnivain]

The MDMA may very well have triggered something.  If she's adopted you don't know if there is a history of mental illness or brain tumors in her bio family.  Sadly there is nothing further you can do.  I'm glad you told her dad.  If you are a person of faith. pray.  

[Wiseman2]

21 minutes ago, DCG17 said:

the trip we went on which maybe was the start of this whole thing, she took some MDMA for like the second time in her life

You need to get medical help for her and stop speculating. It could be anything from a brain bleed to drug reaction etc. Stop playing with her life. MDMA is s very dangerous drug.

Take her to an ER . Stop guessing about her childhood etc. Random internet people are Not EMTs ER doctors or psychiatrists or neurologists. That's what she needs. 

[DCG17]

55 minutes ago, Wiseman2 said:

You need to get medical help for her and stop speculating. It could be anything from a brain bleed to drug reaction etc. Stop playing with her life. MDMA is s very dangerous drug.

Take her to an ER . Stop guessing about her childhood etc. Random internet people are Not EMTs ER doctors or psychiatrists or neurologists. That's what she needs. 

I've been trying, she refuses. I called her dad to explain that this needs immediate attention and tried to get him to convince her to go. He just thinks she needs eventual counseling. I told him how serious it is but nothing. Other than physically grabbing her and taking her, which doesn't seem like a good idea right now, I have tried everything. She doesn't think it's necessary.

[ShyViolet]

41 minutes ago, DCG17 said:

I've been trying, she refuses. I called her dad to explain that this needs immediate attention and tried to get him to convince her to go. He just thinks she needs eventual counseling. I told him how serious it is but nothing. Other than physically grabbing her and taking her, which doesn't seem like a good idea right now, I have tried everything. She doesn't think it's necessary.

You are in way over your head here.  Her mental health is NOT your responsibility and there is nothing you can do about it.  You cannot "work on this together."  

It sounds like she is slipping into schizophrenia.  No, "therapy" is not going to help.  She needs a hospital and a full psychiatric evaluation.  You need to stop playing therapist and making her problems your problems.  She actually did you a favor by breaking up with you.  Accept it and leave this unsafe situation.  I actually think you did the right thing by calling her Dad.  Now you know that she has family and you are not the only one who is aware of what is going on with her.  This is her family's responsibility now, not yours.

Edited April 7, 2021 by ShyViolet

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, DCG17 said:

I've been trying, she refuses. I called her dad to explain that this needs immediate attention and tried to get him to convince her to go. He just thinks she needs eventual counseling. I told him how serious it is but nothing. Other than physically grabbing her and taking her, which doesn't seem like a good idea right now, I have tried everything. She doesn't think it's necessary.

You can't really do anything more. 

Some people never really do get the help they likely need. It's very painful to watch but you did the right thing bringing it to her dad's attention. It's also possible that if she does get herself into therapy, a therapist will recognize that something else could be going on with her and recommend medical intervention. 

And you might be correct that with the right treatment, things could come back together. But there's no hedging any bets on that. People can be unstable but still know when they no longer want to continue a relationship. 

[DCG17]

1 hour ago, ShyViolet said:

You are in way over your head here.  Her mental health is NOT your responsibility and there is nothing you can do about it.  You cannot "work on this together."  

It sounds like she is slipping into schizophrenia.  No, "therapy" is not going to help.  She needs a hospital and a full psychiatric evaluation.  You need to stop playing therapist and making her problems your problems.  She actually did you a favor by breaking up with you.  Accept it and leave this unsafe situation.  I actually think you did the right thing by calling her Dad.  Now you know that she has family and you are not the only one who is aware of what is going on with her.  This is her family's responsibility now, not yours.

I'm trying to accept it, it's just tough for me since I'm still living there but I'm working on getting out. Not good for my own mental health being there right now either and I probably won't fully accept it til I'm out so the quicker the better. My anxiety is insane when I get home and see her so I try to just stay out as long as I can for now.

I know it's not my responsibility as we've broken up now and she's her own person. Just tough to watch someone you love totally change in a few days.

Feels like a horror movie, my girlfriend has disappeared from her body and someone else is in there.

[DCG17]

41 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You can't really do anything more. 

Some people never really do get the help they likely need. It's very painful to watch but you did the right thing bringing it to her dad's attention. It's also possible that if she does get herself into therapy, a therapist will recognize that something else could be going on with her and recommend medical intervention. 

And you might be correct that with the right treatment, things could come back together. But there's no hedging any bets on that. People can be unstable but still know when they no longer want to continue a relationship. 

Yeah whether I want her back or not, unfortunately I have to move on and be done with it. It's all out of my hands now, it sucks but it's my reality now.

[redglass]

OP, this is seriously concerning. It sounds like she’s becoming schizophrenic or going through a psychotic episode - certainly a mental health breakdown of some sort. She is a danger to herself and possibly others, and she needs to be assessed. I’d seek medical intervention immediately. I realise you’ve broken up, but please put the call in, especially if her family and friends won’t take any responsibility.

Edited April 8, 2021 by redglass

[Wiseman2]

3 hours ago, redglass said:

OP, this is seriously concerning. It sounds like she’s becoming schizophrenic or going through a psychotic episode - certainly a mental health breakdown of some sort. She is a danger to herself and possibly others, and she needs to be assessed. I’d seek medical intervention immediately.

Agree. Simply call emergency, describe someone acutely psychotic and they will dispatch medically trained personal who can intervene. You're worry about breakup anxiety but she may be bleeding into her brain or something that requires immediate medical attention.

Stop chitchatting with the lame father, take action. Do something. EMTs or whatever other service they dispatch can talk to her and convince her to seek treatment much better than friends and family can, given that she's a middle aged adult.

Have you read the disclaimer on the bottom of the page? 

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.

Edited April 8, 2021 by Wiseman2

[spiderowl]

I am sorry to hear what has happened, OP.  It must be a very scary situation.

It does not sound to me like you have done anything wrong and this is certainly not your fault.

As your girlfriend has technically made you her ex, you are not responsible for her any more.  However, if you are seriously worried about her - and there is clearly a major concern here - you could phone her doctor and tell them the situation.  In all likelihood, they will not 'discuss' her with you, due to patient confidentiality, but you can let them know you are not together any longer and while you have told her father, he does not seem to see this as urgent as appears to have little understanding of psychosis.  Then, it is up to them to follow up as they think fit.

Once you have informed her doctor and close relative/friends, there is no reason why you should take on more, but you have passed the responsibility to someone else, as it were.

I really feel for you because you are in an appallingly difficult situation and have been hurt by your girlfriend while she is in this state of mind too.  She may change her mind, when she is better, but for the moment you'd better assume you are broken up and move on accordingly.

I am truly sorry you have been put in this awful situation.  Look after yourself and find yourself somewhere you can relax in and wind down.  Have you got anyone else you could talk to about your own troubles?

Edited April 16, 2021 by spiderowl

[Negotaurus]

Hi, I am a bit late to this but I am a schizophrenic and see my disorder in this situation in many ways. Paranoia, people talking about you, delusions about religion are also very common. She has the textbook delusions. I may be wrong, and I know this is none of your responsibility, but if it is schizophrenia, please take note that left untreated, an episode can be quick to begin and turn severe, and last a very very long time. My most severe episode lasted for 8 months. I am fully biased here, but her delusions do come off as quite strong and advanced, whether she is your responsibility or not, it would be kind to get her help ASAP.

Schizophrenia is (largely) not treated with therapy alone. When it comes to women, it often begins during late 20s or 30s. This is probably not her first "incident". 

I felt compelled to comment, I hope I didn't cross any lines or make anybody uncomfortable. 

I hope she will be okay. It would be nice to get an update, if possible. 

Edit: all above is only in case it is schizophrenia, having the experience, I do worry about it. It might be something else, of course. 

Edited April 16, 2021 by Negotaurus

[Highndry]

This sounds like psychosis. I know a gal who went through it. The last thing you should be thinking about is a relationship at this point. She is very ill and it will take a long time for her to not only recover, but be able to handle an intimate relationship, if ever. I'd support her but make plans to move on with your life and find somebody else.