Am I wrong for saying this to girlfriend's mother?

[Luwilliams6]

Serious relationship advice needed here. My girlfriend and I, 22 and 23, moved in together a couple of months back. We moved in to an apartment that she used to live in with her family as her family moved to a different state and left the place to her. Long story short there seem to have been an unpaid balance for this apartment from her moms time living here and my girlfriend had to take full responsibility of it because her mom said that it was her fault the balance was there. I haven’t been helping with that balance, besides the rent that I’ve been putting my end for. But the balance I have no touched because I do not feel that it is on me. I was not living in the home at the time the balance was for. Anyways, fast forward to today, her mother is visiting and asks me why I haven’t been helping her with the balance. I, very honestly, told her mom that I did not feel like that balance was my responsibility and had other finances to worry about as well. I didn’t think I should be paying that. Both my girlfriend and her mother proceeded to get mad at me calling me disrespectful and not a man for stepping up and helping her with that. I didn’t find what I said to be disrespectful as I was speaking from my perspective. Was I wrong for saying this to her mother? Am I wrong for not helping her pay? 

[ShyViolet]

How much of a balance are we talking about?

I agree with you, I think that balance is not your responsibility.  That balance was when her mother was living there.  It's her MOTHER'S bill.  So if you help to pay it, you are essentially helping to pay your gf's mother's rent.   And if the mother is sticking her daughter with that bill, then oh well, that's still not your responsibility.  You are not married.  

[Luwilliams6]

11 minutes ago, ShyViolet said:

How much of a balance are we talking about?

I agree with you, I think that balance is not your responsibility.  That balance was when her mother was living there.  It's her MOTHER'S bill.  So if you help to pay it, you are essentially helping to pay your gf's mother's rent.   And if the mother is sticking her daughter with that bill, then oh well, that's still not your responsibility.  You are not married.  

The balance is for about $2,000. I’m very puzzled as to why me telling her mom that it was not my responsibility was found to be disrespectful. I was voicing an honest feeling. They then proceeded to question my manlihood and maturity level which puzzles me even more.  

[glows]

You're being bullied into paying for their bills and supporting them. Unfortunately, many people (both men and women) believe it's a man's job to care for women. You're only 23 years old. It's sad to see a younger generation grow up like this crippled by a lack of independence and responsibility,, likely passed down by another generation and supported by a culture.

I would think long and hard about this relationship (not saying to end it right there and then) but start being clear and vocal that you will not be stepping in to pay for the $2000 if that's what you decide. This is a matter of boundaries and communicating clearly. You do not need to be belittled or bullied for choosing not to pay it or for not accepting those comments. 

Rethink this relationship.

 

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Luwilliams6 said:

The balance is for about $2,000. I’m very puzzled as to why me telling her mom that it was not my responsibility was found to be disrespectful. I was voicing an honest feeling. They then proceeded to question my manlihood and maturity level which puzzles me even more.  

It's not your responsibility, likely not the daughters either.  You were not insultive and in my view very much n the right.

They question your manlihood and maturity level as these are buttons they think they can push to get you to do what they want.  I really like them calling you immature, it is the mother who is being immature here big time.  A responsible, mature adult does not saddle their children with their debt even if it came about from having to raise the children; I can see some situations where it might be the daughters responsibility...but it is not yours.

Frankly, your gf behavior in response is a big red flag to me, her and her mother's response scream entitlement and not taking responsibility for their own actions.

[Wiseman2]

2 hours ago, Luwilliams6 said:

We moved in to an apartment that she used to live in with her family as her family. her mother is visiting and asks me why I haven’t been helping her with the balance.

How long have you been dating? Move out. If this is how this family operates you need to think twice about living there. You are not responsible, legally or otherwise, for expenses/bills you did not incur. Do not get into it personally. Simply state that you are not responsible for bills that are not yours.

[ShyViolet]

2 hours ago, Luwilliams6 said:

The balance is for about $2,000. I’m very puzzled as to why me telling her mom that it was not my responsibility was found to be disrespectful. I was voicing an honest feeling. They then proceeded to question my manlihood and maturity level which puzzles me even more.  

Yeah no, there was nothing disrespectful about what you said.  They are trying to take advantage of you and scam you into paying this woman's bill. They're trying to squeeze money out of you.  They're telling you anything that they think will work (that you're not manly, you're disrespectful, etc.). If they can't successfully scam you into paying it, then guess what, they are on the hook to pay it, which of course they don't want to do.  (even though it's THEIR responsibility and not yours). This is grounds for a breakup in my opinion.

[d0nnivain]

You were not wrong for responding to the mother's rude inquiry nor are you wrong for not assuming a debt that is not legally yours.  Frankly, the mother is wrong for trying to make you support her.   I kinda get why your GF may be hurt but she has no right to be mad.  

You need to pay close attention to finances in this relationship.  Your GF may have some archaic gender roles about money or she may be a bit of a gold digger, looking for a guy to support her & her family.  😧

[Sun Seeker]

You have done nothing wrong. Your girlfriend's mother is the one that was disrespectful. The fact your girlfriend sided with her is also worrying.

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Here's my take: you are not wrong for not paying the whole $2,000 yourself, but when you are in a relationship with someone (especially a LIVE IN relationship), you take on their "baggage" and vice versa. If you can help by putting a small amount down to take the worry and stress off your girlfriend, why wouldn't you? 

That being said, the mom has some nerve asking you to pay. If you plan to be with your girlfriend long-term, especially if you are considering marriage, you need to establish firm boundaries with her family regarding money. You are not going to be her family's ATM. 

Maybe the main reason your girlfriend got upset was not because you declined to pay, but perhaps because of your choice of words and tone you took with her mom. It's not what a person says, but how they say it. 

[Luwilliams6]

25 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said:

Here's my take: you are not wrong for not paying the whole $2,000 yourself, but when you are in a relationship with someone (especially a LIVE IN relationship), you take on their "baggage" and vice versa. If you can help by putting a small amount down to take the worry and stress off your girlfriend, why wouldn't you? 

That being said, the mom has some nerve asking you to pay. If you plan to be with your girlfriend long-term, especially if you are considering marriage, you need to establish firm boundaries with her family regarding money. You are not going to be her family's ATM. 

Maybe the main reason your girlfriend got upset was not because you declined to pay, but perhaps because of your choice of words and tone you took with her mom. It's not what a person says, but how they say it. 

I agree with it’s how you say things. But at the same time, I thought I could’ve said that in as polite of a way as possible. I said “I don’t mean to be rude but I didn’t think that balance was part of my responsibility as I was not living in the house for the time it’s being charged. I had have other expenses that I have to take care of as well so I didn’t think I had to be paying for that too.” As far as the other expenses the month that we moved in together I had a situation come up with my dogs health. Unfortunately my dog is no longer here but just on that situation alone I had to spend nearly $3,000 on her medical bills. I also pay for my tuition in full as I don’t receive any financial aid. Her question was why hadn’t I been up to that point. I feel like if they would’ve came to me asking for help, rather than expecting me to automatically take responsibility I would’ve reActed differently. That expectation was what threw me off and caused me to respond with that sentiment. Of course if my girlfriend would’ve came to me personally I wouldn’t have turned my back on her as I’m in a better financial state now then I have been previously. But truthfully I don’t think I disrespected anyone. They asked me a question and I gave an honest answer. If anything I was very respectful by not giving her some bs answer. 

[MsJayne]

I agree with everyone else, these two women have got a nerve.  Where's your GF's father? Is he still in the picture or did he get bullied out of the family by the entitled mother?  Women who operate like this, expect a male to "pay" just because he's a male, infuriate me because their behaviour reflects on all women. They expect equality but carry on like they're disabled when it comes to paying their way in the world.  Abusing you because you refuse to pay a debt which is not yours is veering dangerously close to an extortion attempt. I would point that out to your GF as you walk out the door, (and if you do, please leave owing a weeks rent, just to stick it up them). 

[d0nnivain]

@Luwilliams6 I'm so sorry about your dog.  

[spiderowl]

It sounds like you acted fairly and politely.

I am wondering if your girlfriend took on the apartment with her mother's bill as part of it and assumed you understood that if you were both taking on the apartment you would be taking on paying that balance off too?  If so, your girlfriend should have told you that you were both taking on the apartment on that understanding.  It would then have been your choice whether or not to take it on that basis.

I am sorry about your dog.  That must have been difficult enough for you to deal with.

The apartment balance could have been a misunderstanding with your girlfriend (as mentioned above) but it seems not as her mother has only just queried whether you were helping her daughter to pay it off.  What they have said to you was unfair and unkind.  Your girlfriend is learning from her mother how to treat men and this is one case where she needs it pointing out that her mother is not being fair.

I think you should stick to your guns about not being responsible and that their behaviour towards you was unkind.  You need to think about whether to continue living with your girlfriend or not.  If your girlfriend realises she has been unfair to you and is willing to stand up to her mother, then maybe this will be a lesson for you both, but it is a serious misunderstanding and it has hurt you.  

Edited April 8, 2021 by spiderowl

[glows]

This all happened yesterday, the conversation about the bill? Did either one of them apologize since then or approach you to talk about it?