Did she cheat on our anniversary?

[Jkline]

It was about six months ago on our eleventh  wedding anniversary night.  My wife and I were at a wedding where I honestly drank too much and made a few comments about how I felt like some of the attraction had been lost and that I wanted to work on getting that back.  I’m sure it didn’t come out as well as I had hoped and I told her I was still attracted to her but didn’t want to fall into that rut.  Completely the wrong time and place for that conversation and I totally own that.

After the wedding she dropped me off at home where I basically passed out.  She was hurting and wanted to see if she still had it so she went up to the local bar. She got up there at 10:30 pm and didn’t get home until 4:30 am.  Naturally she started drinking with a group and at bar close at about 1:30 she offered to bring a guy home that needed a ride.  She brought him home and said he offered to show her around the farm and she stayed there til 4:15 or so.  She said they looked at the animals and talked. She also said that as she was getting into the car to leave he tried to kiss her but she moved her head and he ended up brushing her cheek.  My gut is screaming that they didn’t just have a little tour of the property in the middle of the night.  Also he must be one great conversationalist to stay alone with him and talk for that long.  I don’t think I’ve heard the whole story.  Even if nothing happened physically it still hurts that she went out and found comfort in another man on our anniversary and stayed out so late alone with him.  Is it possible it went down like she stated?  I don’t believe it but I want to.  No history of cheating.  One time she said she was out with a girlfriend but that friend left hrs ago and she was hanging with a mutual guy friend and a group of friends at the bar.  I know she didn’t cheat then but did lie about who she was with.  

[smackie9]

Shrugs, if anything really did happen, she probably would have said she slept on her friend's couch and have that friend cover for her. I would be concerned that she was drinking and driving. If she was sober enough to drive, then she wouldn't be influenced by alcohol, and lose her better judgement. I say give her the benefit of a doubt, and work on your relationship...because IMO she's sponging attention off these guys to feel desired which what is lacking at home. Lots of women do it. It's an ego boost emotional thing that gives them a charge, while if they were a man it would be definitely more physical/sexual. Most women drawn the line, and there is not sexual contact. Just observe, and communicate. Pay more attention to her.

Edited April 7, 2021 by smackie9

[S2B]

Polygraph time.

I’d bet money she’s lying.

Why do you both drink so much? Can you quit?

[Jkline]

1 hour ago, smackie9 said:

Shrugs, if anything really did happen, she probably would have said she slept on her friend's couch and have that friend cover for her. I would be concerned that she was drinking and driving. If she was sober enough to drive, then she wouldn't be influenced by alcohol, and lose her better judgement. I say give her the benefit of a doubt, and work on your relationship...because IMO she's sponging attention off these guys to feel desired which what is lacking at home. Lots of women do it. It's an ego boost emotional thing that gives them a charge, while if they were a man it would be definitely more physical/sexual. Most women drawn the line, and there is not sexual contact. Just observe, and communicate. Pay more attention to her.

Good point about the drinking and driving, we talked about that as well.  I get what you’re saying about getting some attention at the bar and boosting the ego.  My issue is the going home with him afterwards and the amount of time she spent alone with him at that time of night.

[d0nnivain]

I have gotten drunk in bars when I was younger, gone home with some guy & not done anything physical so it is possible.  

Only you know if you trust her.  If you do, never bring this up again unless the behavior is repeated.  

If you don't, then just end your marriage.  

[Jkline]

4 minutes ago, S2B said:

Polygraph time.

I’d bet money she’s lying.

Why do you both drink so much? Can you quit?

We actually rarely drink, it was one of those deals where the open bar at the wedding was too enticing.....definitely a mistake.  I’ve decided the free booze usually ends up costing you more than it’s worth.  I’m afraid you’re right though. I am going to ask her tonight if she’d take a polygraph test, we’ll see how that goes.....

[S2B]

Why have you waited six months to resolve this concern? 

[Jkline]

Just now, S2B said:

Why have you waited six months to resolve this concern? 

Honestly I was hoping time would kinda dull the feelings I had around the issue.  It just sits there though and when you don’t believe someone and lose the trust it’s a real mind f@$k.  It’s the not knowing that sucks.

[trident_2020]

You insulted her, she was looking for validation that what you said to her wasn't true.

It appears that she got it.

 

[Jkline]

That she did, my concern is how much she got.  

[trident_2020]

You'll probably never know for sure.

 

[Wiseman2]

1 hour ago, Jkline said:

My wife and I were at a wedding where I honestly drank too much and made a few comments about how I felt like some of the attraction had been lost and that I wanted to work on getting that back.

 Don't worry about her "cheating", worry about your drinking and insults. And this was your anniversary? Sounds like she rejoined the party with other guests and this guy because she was so disgusted by you telling her "you lost some attraction" and getting passed-out drunk. Can't really throw stones in a glass house, right?

 

Edited April 7, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Jkline]

I respect your input.  I’m not worried about my drinking, I very rarely drink and admittedly I’m a lightweight.  It’s true I drank too much and I am at fault for that as well as poor timing addressing my concerns that we were losing some of the passion and romance.  I never once said she was unattractive or that I wasn’t interested in her.  I certainly carry the guilt of making her feel that way.  I surprised that a person who admits they drank too much one particular night is someone who is considered to have a drinking problem.  When a couple gets in an argument is it justified to run off and seek attention from others and stay out all night with a stranger???  Maybe I’m old school but I didn’t think so.

[trident_2020]

If she cheated she was already inclined to do so, you may have just given her what she felt was a valid excuse.

 

[mark clemson]

2 hours ago, Jkline said:

My gut is screaming that they didn’t just have a little tour of the property in the middle of the night.  Also he must be one great conversationalist to stay alone with him and talk for that long.  I don’t think I’ve heard the whole story.  Even if nothing happened physically it still hurts that she went out and found comfort in another man on our anniversary and stayed out so late alone with him.  Is it possible it went down like she stated?  I don’t believe it but I want to.

Either is possible. It wouldn't be very logical to "admit to all this" rather than simply concoct a plausible alternate excuse. But people don't always behave logically. And this way you know that "worse is possible" if that's something she (perhaps unconsciously) wishes to convey. There's a bit of an implied threat and/or "I have options" vibe to this, which is likely part of the point. "I could have screwed this guy, but I chose not to," or so it would appear.

You might consider seeing a marriage counselor so you can discuss with her how deeply this hurt you (and she can discuss with you the hurts that led up to it, of which there may be more than you realize) with a "referee" there to keep things from going too far south too quickly. This seems to have "weakened" you a bit emotionally, which may have been part of the intent, but you're now probably not in a good place emotionally to "build your relationship back up" and/or get past this, which may not have been intended.

Speaking generally, when a person's "solution" to relationship issues is to go do something intimate with someone else and then come back and rub it in your face, that is IMO a BIG red flag in terms of coping strategies. (Perhaps that's simply stating the obvious.) This is not quite that, but it IS also in that ballpark. So you're right to be concerned. Getting her to get past this sort of thing as a coping strategy is probably an important goal here, along with others, like getting you to feel more secure (assuming things are as she indicated). Which puts it in the realm of "needing a professional" IMO.

If you do look for a marriage counselor, suggest you look for a very experienced one who genuinely specializes in relationship issues. And don't hesitate to shop around as a certain % are weirdos and/or have specific agendas that may not align well with "who you are".

[MsJayne]

I don't think she cheated, but she may as well have. She deliberately set out to make you feel insecure, and that's the difference between your actions and hers that night. Your actions were stupid but well-intentioned, hers were a spiteful payback for your ill-timed honesty.  It's still bothering you, so maybe it's time for a proper conversation about your marriage and the elephant in the room.  Personally I suspect she may be lying about where she was that night, she was probably parked around the corner the whole time. 

[Wiseman2]

31 minutes ago, Jkline said:

It’s true I drank too much and I am at fault for that as well as poor timing addressing my concerns that we were losing some of the passion and romance.  I never once said she was unattractive or that I wasn’t interested in her.  I certainly carry the guilt of making her feel that way. 

Focus on moving forward and addressing the underlying issues. There's a reason you said that to her and there's a reason she detailed this info about farm guy. I don't think she's cheating. Why tell you all this?

I think she wanted to shake/wake you up and refute your claim that she's unattractive (even if you phrased it 'lacks passion', whatever).

Bottom line, explore this with a neutral pro. Get the dialogue started about what's dogging both of you below the surface with the privacy and expertise of a marital therapist.

Edited April 7, 2021 by Wiseman2

[Sun Seeker]

The fact that her response to what you told her was to go out and meet a guy and go to his farm etc etc tells you all you need to know. It really doesn't matter if she actually cheated or not. Why would you want to stay married to someone who reacts like that, thinking it's the solution?

If it was me I would be ending the marriage.

[S2B]

If you can’t trust her - you have no foundation for the marriage.

[Jkline]

Thanks for all of the advice and input.  I have no plans on divorcing my wife.  Trust has been broken and the mind loves to play tricks when we try and fill in the blanks when you don’t know what happened in a situation like this.  I realize not every person in a situation similar to this has cheated but I also realize that people make mistakes in the moment.  I know I played a part in this as well so I accept that.  Perhaps a marriage counselor is a good option.  Even if there wasn’t a physical affair the fact she went to find comfort and attention from someone else is hard to deal with.  I actually get going to the bar even though I don’t agree with it.  I don’t understand going home with him and spending so much time alone at such a late hour.  Looks like there’s some work to do.  Btw we have talked a lot about it I just don’t understand the why and frankly if something did happen I don’t think there would be any reason to admit to it.  I feel like it’s enough truth to make it seem plausible but in end it still doesn’t feel right.

[S2B]

Then polygraph her 

[Jkline]

1 minute ago, S2B said:

Then polygraph her 

Do people really do that?  I’m not being sarcastic just curious.

[S2B]

They do when they need peace of mind.

[basil67]

@Jkline If your lack of trust in your partner is so deep that you need a polygraph, you may as well divorce.  

Further, the there is insufficient evidence that the tests are not accurate enough, and this is why the results aren't admissible in evidence in a court of law.  The risk of a false positive is deemed too high.   Indeed, most psychologists agree that there is little evidence that polygraph tests can accurately detect lies

 

Edited April 7, 2021 by basil67

[glows]

All that matters is how much the two of you want to stay married and whether you respect each other. The past six months have suggested the answer is no. If you're saying you have no plans of divorcing her and she likes the company of other men or making you squirm and feel uncomfortable or continue to emotionally manipulate you, then this is probably headed for divorce anyway (both of you are just taking the long road). 

Do try getting some input from marital counselling but use your gut instincts. Explore your reasons for staying married also. They may be deep-rooted in fears or not an option because of preconceptions you have about yourself/your wife/how you should live according to other standards or rules outside of your marriage or relationship. 

I don't think you getting drunk at a wedding party as a guest gives her license to stay out till past 4 am with another man. Key word: respect. If there's not enough of that I don't think this will last. I think both of you have serious issues in your marriage that go beyond that one night so best to talk about it sooner rather than later.

 

Edited April 7, 2021 by glows